It’s hard to discern precisely why Jim Caldwell’s firing makes me happy. I hate the Colts, after all, and I found it endlessly amusing to watch a man hired to stay out of Peyton Manning’s way suddenly thrust into the role of helming a team without Peyton Manning. His passive observation of the Colts’ unbridled awfulness will remain one of my favorite visuals of the 2011 season; the Colts may as well have been coached by a large toadstool or an ottoman.

So why enjoy his dismissal? It’s a relief to sane observers of the NFL — a welcome affirmation that an organization worth hundreds of millions of dollars is perhaps not captained by blind inbreds, as we’d begun to suspect with every passing day that Caldwell kept his job. There’s a recession, after all, and we’re capitalists: we’re happy that Jim Caldwell is fired because he DESERVED to be fired. Love or hate the Colts, the job should go to a productive member of society. (I say that now, but I actually hope the Colts hire someone equally terrible.)

In a just world, this would not only be the last time either of these godheads of incompetence would appear as a head coach on an NFL sideline as the two would be laid out before wheat threshers after the game, but considering how long the Chiefs and the Bengals hate their respective fans, that may not be the case. Hell, they might even be back next year. But let’s pretend this is their respective swan song and they’re gonna get a little crazy. In that case, WHO YA GOT?

Sure I’m a little miffed about the whole firing thing, even a little baffled. It’s not every team that can carry a lead over the Bills at halftime. Wait, the Raiders did it last week too? Well, I imploded more spectacularly than they did! And I didn’t even need a horrible imperious owner to do it.

Fine. Whatever. Let me go. I’ll catch on somewhere else. 10 gets you 20 the Lions will have a place for me in their new power structure next season. Count on it. Just tell me you didn’t…you did, didn’t you?

Haslett? You replaced me with Jim Pre-Cum-Suffused Haslett, that dithering, aquiline-nosed motherfucker? That’s like replacing a downed traffic light with a disco ball. A flat tire with a circus seal. A burned out light bulb with a burned out defensive coordinator. Tell me it’s cronyism.

I mean, in a way it’s kind of beautiful. Replacing me with the coordinator of the defense that’s allowed the most points in the league. That’s positively Linehanian. I guess my work here is done.

1. Joe Gibbs announces his retirement leaving the average fan unmoved. The franchise looks to be heading in the right direction and the name Bill Cowher has us cautiously optimistic.

2.We begin to realize that all of Danny’s money can’t lure Cowher, so Gregg Williams becomes the favorite by default.

3. Vinny Cerrato is promoted to “Executive” Vice President of Football Operations. Rumors float that Snyder offered the job to Jim Mora. Meanwhile, Gregg is left twisting in the wind after several interviews and no offer.

4. Jim Fassel’s name emerges as the most likely candidate JIM FASSEL! ARE YOU SHITTING ME? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

If (when) the official announcement is made I’ll be back to try and explain things the best I can. Until then, try not to look any Washington fan directly in the eyes. We’re all feeling a little froggy this week.

I already feel a rant coming on.

Chris Mottram is already loading his gun.

Maiden: Our land has been cast into shadows and our armies pounded into dust, sir knight. My kingdom lies in ruins, torn asunder by the great red and blue beast. Our homes have been ransacked. Our women have been raped. Our children have been raped. Our rapists have been raped.

I fain not think that you should fail in your quest, Brave Sir Norval. I’ve heard of your exploits — how you failed in leading the noble savages of Washington, how you miserably failed in leading the less than noble savages of Oakland, but you are all that remains.

Your pockmarked visage is difficult to regard. Your breath reeks of carrion. Your armor is tattered and I am fairly certain your horse has been dead for some time. The Good Lord has not seen fit to bless you in the ways of looks nor intelligence, but you are indeed brave. That counts for something, though it be not much.

All who have gone before the beast have been vanquished soundly and without mercy. Even you yourself were defeated most handily early in its reign of terror, perhaps only spared your pathetic life for no other reason than sheer boredom by that foul creature and its braying supporters.

If there existed a system in which I could wager our kingdom’s fortunes on your chances of success, I would surely lay on money on the side of the beast and take the points. Sadly, there is no such system. It is an unfortunate consequence of our Slaughter of the Jews many years past.

Go now. Take in your hand the dark blade of Volek and strike down this scourge upon our realm. If successful, I could even learn to love you and would lustily expose a section of ankle to you. Think me not bawdy, sir knight. I am ready to make the appropriate sacrifice.

It’s been announced that Joe Gibbs 2.0 will retire at a press conference this afternoon. Even in the rocky years of the Gibbs comeback we owe a lot of thanks to the legendary coach/preacher. We thank him for two playoff seasons, we thank him for his leadership in the wake of Sean Taylor’s murder, but mostly, we thank him for leaving. We’ll always love our coach Gibbs but clearly the time had come. From the handcuffed offense, to the blown leads, and befuddled timeouts/challenges, it was clear that his time had come and gone.

So now my Redskins find themselves at a crossroads. They’re $25 million over next year’s cap and Gregggg Williams reportedly has a clause in his contract that makes him the overwhelming favorite to become the next head coach. So what’s next for the Redskins?

OH SHIT! JESUS CHRIST, DON’T LEAVE JOE, WE STILL LOVE YOU! WE’LL LET YOU DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!

You can challenge all of the obvious fumbles you want. Feel like calling back-to-back timeouts? Have at it! Hell, I’ll even let all of the Jesus bullshit slide for another season or so, just don’t leave us with that smarmy prick in charge of our franchise!

Fine, go shove your hands down Dale Jr’s Wranglers, you old fuck! We don’t need you, we have Tom Fucking Cruise on our side!

I feel like Richie Tenenbaum at Wimbledon.

The top two seeds in the AFC last season are barely hanging onto faint playoff hopes with only a few weeks remaining in the regular season. When heads eventually roll, they’ll probably bear the visages of these two clowns. Likely, incompetence will emerge Hydra-like from the stumps. In the meantime, we can find out who’ll be king of the unemployment line in the offseason. WHO YA GOT?

This is a continuation of yesterday’s post analyzing the NFL’s 32 head coaches.

NFC East

Fatty Arbuckle (Dal)- Every time Jason Garret walks by the head coach’s office he mentally measures for new curtains.
Tom Coughlin (NYG)- He could become the first coach to be unceremoniously fired after winning the Super Bowl…nah, they aren’t winning the Super Bowl.
Joe Gibbs (Was)- Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die.
Andy “The Pin” Reid (Phi)- Roger Goodell will intervene to fire Reid on Philly’s behalf.

NFC North

Mike McCarthy (GB)- As long as he keeps Brett full of opiates it’s all good.
Rod Marinelli (Det)- You mean to tell me that Mike Martz isn’t the Lions coach?
Brad Childress (Min)- Staking his future on Chester Taylor.
Lovie Smith (Chi)- He took the Sex Cannon to the Super Bowl. Big time grace period.

NFC South

Jon Gruden (TB)- They tried to burn him in the fire place but he managed to escape.
John Fox (Car)- On the verge of becoming the biggest scapegoat since German Jews
Sean Payton (NO)- He could blow up the levee’s and still be untouchable.
Bobby Petrino (Atl)- Even Home Depot managers get more respect from their underlings. Mutiny is all but assured.

NFC West

Mike Holmgren (Sea)- They’re already collecting the necessary tonnage of smelt to buy out his contract.
Ken Whisenhunt (Ari)- Cushiest job in the NFL. Nobody expects too much and there’s no chance he’s getting fired before his contract expires.
Mike Nolan (SF)- They’re already stocking the fuhrerbunker with cyanide pills.
Scott Linehan (StL)- Injuries happen, and so does seppuku.

NFC Far East

Coming September 2012!

Yesterday I was watching the SportsCenter’s NFL highlights for the seventh time when I came to a realization, this league is filled with incompetence. You may remember that last year it was the quarterback play that left me feeling appalled. This year I’ve set my sights on those other lightning rods of criticism, the head coaches. And why the fuck shouldn’t I? The NFL is the single greatest sports league in the galaxy yet we’re unable to produce 32 people with the ability to not cripple a franchise.

Seeing as how every team has gotten to the halfway point in the season it seems like a good time to evaluate the 32 NFL coaches, division by division. There will be no wine involved.

AFC East

Bill Belichick (NE)- He’s safe…for now.
Dick Jauron (Buf)- So that’s who they’re their coach is! For another year at least.
Eric Mangini (NYJ)- His fat ass could better serve the franchise if he were buried in the foundation of the new stadium.
Cam Cameron (Mia)- Poor fucker.

AFC North

Mike Tomlin (Pit)- He’ll be there for the next fifteen years.
Romeo Crennel (Cle)- He didn’t get fired last year? Good for him. Looks like somebody’s getting an extension!
Brian Billick (Bal)- If this pompous shit-eater still has a job next year the city of Baltimore will be torn asunder by riotous mobs–nobody will notice.
Marvin Lewis (Cin)- From the worst offensive coach to the worst defensive coach, this division is stellar! The only way that Mike Brown will eat his contract is if Chris Henry digs up and rapes the corpse of Paul Brown. So it’s 50/50.

AFC South

Tony Dungy (Ind)- Put it this way, if they fire God’s coach then it’s an automatic seven years of bad luck. But if Jim Irsay comes out of the closet all bets are off.
Jeff Fisher (Ten)- When he dies they’re going to prop his rotting corpse up against the first down marker.
Jack of the River (Jax)- They would fire him, but he’s just so damn intimidating!
Gary Kubiak (Hou)- If he keeps moving along at this 10-15 pace the Texans will erect a thirty foot golden statue in his honor.

AFC West *Award Winner for Worst Coaches in the NFL

Herm Edwards (KC)- The team has a record of 4-4 making Herm’s career record 52-52. In today’s NFL you really can’t put a price on that kind of sustained mediocrity.
Norv Turner (SD)- Hahaha! I’m not laughing because they’re going to fire him, I’m laughing because somebody else is going to give him a job. People are fucking stupid.
Mike Shanahan (DEN)- If somebody can provide a rational argument against taking Shanny out back and shooting him in the base of the skull then I’d love to hear it.
Lane Kiffin (Oak)- Al Davis has enough energy to fire Kiffin or to poop, and man, he really needs to poop.

AFC Europe
Coming September 2012!

Check back this week for Part II: The NFC!

Though receiving scant attention from the mainstream press, Marvin Lewis yesterday was continuing his mentoring program with Cincinnati-area at-risk youth.

Marvin Lewis: Okay, glad you could make out here today, uh…

At-risk youth: Terence Hawkins.

Marvin Lewis: Terence, right. Okay, I’m gonna let you take over for a bit. We’re up 3-0. We stopped the Steelers on their opening drive, but now they’re moving down the field. This is a critical point in the game. Our offense is playing well, but we don’t need to play catch-up on this defense. Whaddaya got for me?

At-risk youth: Okay, right. Okay. Yeah. I think I remember what my mans was telling me to do last week. Let’s try this…Madieu Williams, spin around real fast.

Madieu Williams: Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa

At-risk youth: Cool. A’yo, Leon Hall. When Hines Ward makes a routine move to the inside I want you to run straight at that goal post.

Leon Hall: Goal post. Got it.

At-risk youth: Dhani Jones, take a seat.

Dhani Jones: Has anyone espied my copy of “Piscatorial Eclogues”? You would be ill-advised if you displaced my Dr. Cornel West bookmark.

Marvin Lewis: Okay, who are you subbing in for Jones?

At-risk youth: No one.

Marvin Lewis: But you only got 10 men on the field.

At-rish youth: ‘xactly. It’s called the 46 defense. Because four plus six equals ten. I learned that shit last week from the new Mick Boogie mixtape.

Marvin Lewis: What’s it called?

At-risk youth: ‘s called “Four Plus Six Equals Ten.”

Marvin Lewis: What does tha–

At-risk youth: It’s about drugs.

Marvin Lewis: But you can’t have only 10 men on the field. It makes it easier on the offense.

At-risk youth: Nah, nah, coach. My man told me ’bout this thing, right. Like, he told me, if you play 10 dudes on dis down, you can play, like, 12 on the next and shit. And you if you play nine dudes…

Marvin Lewis: YOU CAN PLAY 13! Oh, man. That is genius. Yo, Bresnahan.

Bresnahan: Yeah?

Marvin Lewis: You’re fired. Terence here is my new defensive coordinator.

(Bresnahan shrugs, walks away without bothering to take headset off.)

At-risk youth: Aight. I’m thinking, like, we play, like, five guys per play in the second quarter, then in the second half, we can play the whole team on defense.

Marvin Lewis: Fantastic. If Tomlin didn’t wear sunglasses all the damn time, you could see the terror in his eyes.

At-risk youth: Yo, can I get your prints on this gun, right quick?