Alabama tackle Andre Smith showed up at the NFL combine out of shape. I’m talking back-of-the-neck-looks-like-a-package-of-Hebrew-National-hot-dogs out of shape. To make matters worse, when he realized how woefully unprepared he was, Smith decided he was gonzo. But before he left he made sure to notify… well, no one.

Smith later issued a statement saying he left to add a couple more chins at Hometown Buffet go work out with a personal trainer in preparation for Pro Day in Tuscaloosa. CNBC’s Darren Rovell estimates Smith’s tomfoolery may cost the big man as much as $23 million.

Damn Dre, you could have bought all kinds of chicken-fried bacon with that kind of cash.

Yesterday, the good people at Sloshspot created a guide for bacon-infused alcohol and bacon-flavored mixed drinks.  It’s a handy thing to have if, like me, your two favorite things not attached to women are bacon and alcohol.  The only problem is, Sloshspot completely fucked it up.  The article reeks of Google search and inexperience.  As the preeminent Internet writer who spends most of his free time finding new ways to combine bacon and alcohol, let me set things straight point-by-point.

1. Bacon-infused vodka

To its credit, Sloshspot accurately copied the dozens of recipes out there: fry three pieces of bacon, put it in a mason jar with vodka, wait three weeks, freeze, strain.

2. The Bacon Martini

AKA colossal fuck-up #1.  SS takes a recipe meant to give a regular vodka martini a hint of bacon (lining the edge of the glass with bacon grease; garnishing with a piece of bacon), and mistakenly says that you should use three ounces of bacon-infused vodka with the recipe.

I’ve dabbled with making bacon-infused martinis, and anything that is 90% or more bacon vodka will taste like ass.  I promise you.  The bacon flavor is just too salty and overpowering.  It’s like drinking pork-flavored seawater.

So you have to dilute it a little.  Here’s a tomato-bacon martini recipe that will knock you on your ass:

- 1 oz. bacon-infused vodka
- 2 oz. plain vodka
- 3 oz. tomato water (It’s another time-consuming pain to make, but well worth it)

Add ice.  Shake.  Garnish with fresh cherry tomato.  Optional ingredient: dash of black pepper.

You know how good a BLT tastes, right?  Imagine getting rid of all that horseshit lettuce and bread and mayonnaise and adding booze.  Make that at a party and you’ll be a goddamned hero.  Just remember where you got the recipe: an obscene football blog.

3. The Bacon Bloody Mary

This is another one that’s pretty impossible to mess up.  Just a regular Bloody Mary made with bacon vodka instead of plain.  And rimming the glass with bacon salt is definitely a good call.

4. Bacon-Infused Bourbon

There’s a bar in New York called PDT that insists you can make bacon-infused bourbon in just a couple hours.  New York Magazine bought into that idea, and so did Sloshspot.  Guess what?  It’s a fucking LIE.  I tried it, and it sucks.  The best way to make bacon bourbon is the same way you make bacon vodka: by waiting impatiently for three weeks.

5. Bacon Old-Fashioned

This is a brilliant drink, but only if you do the annoying time-consuming process to make your bacon bourbon.  Start with just a little maple syrup (a little goes a LONG way), add just enough water to liquefy the syrup, then add a shot of bacon bourbon.  The PDT recipe calls for bitters and an orange twist, but bitters suck, and twists aren’t worth the effort.  Instead, add a few drops of lemon to cut the smoky sweetness.  Serve over ice.  If you need a garnish, I recommend a dark cherry.

So go forth, Internet readers, and drink bacony booze down the path of delicious drunkenness.  Have faith that these recommendations have come only after extensive trial and error, and though it pains me to share my secrets, I’d rather do that than see others lead you astray.  Because bacon-flavored booze is a terrible thing to waste.

Image via XKCD

In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.

Marvin: On the double! We like to eat as a family every night. This stuff’s getting cold.

Ocho: I’m comin’, I’m comin’! (comes down stairs) My, my, my… I am HONGRAY. What do we have for dinner?

Marvin: The Mrs. cooked up some roast chicken.

Looks damn good, doesn’t it? Let’s dig in.

Ocho: Whoa ho yo, coach. Hold up. Hold up. I can’t eat that.

Marvin: What do you mean?

Ocho: Tell the Mrs. I am grateful, but Ocho Cinco doesn’t eat chicken. Too heavy. Much too heavy. I’m just gonna kick back with my usual dinner.

Marvin: A family-sized bag of chips?

Ocho: Yeah, yeah. Chips are much lighter. Much better for my biology. This one’s even got tomatoes.

Marvin: Um, no. Chips are not a lighter food that white meat chicken.

Ocho: No? Here, hold this chip.

Marvin: What for?

Ocho: Just feel how light it is. It’s very light. Very low weight.

Marvin: That isn’t how nutrition works, Chad. The weight of food isn’t an indicator of whether or not it’s good for you.

Ocho: Sure it is. If you eat LIGHT food, you stay light. That’s why I eat chips, bacon, donut holes, and cotton candy. That’s a very light diet.

Marvin: Actually, that’s just about the heaviest diet you can possibly have.

Ocho: You’re crazy! Look at this strip of bacon.

You see how light that bacon feels? It’s so light, it floats.

Marvin: No, it’s doesn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it does.

Marvin: No, it’s doesn’t. Bacon does not float.

Ocho: Yes, it does. Look.

(picks up bacon, drops it to the floor)

See?

Marvin: See what?

Ocho: It almost kinda floated right there.

Marvin: No, it didn’t. It fell straight to the floor.

Ocho: You didn’t see it just kinda sorta hesitate right there?

Marvin: No. It didn’t hesitate. It fell straight down.

Ocho: You don’t know that. That shit is not readily oblivious to the naked eye.

Marvin: YES IT IS. It’s bacon. It’s a solid object. Solid objects do not float.

Ocho: They do if you drop them from really high up.

Marvin: No they don’t.

Ocho: Then how come I see skydivers floating on TV all the time? They got their arms and legs out and are all like “LOOK AT ME! I’M A WHITE PERSON AND I’M ALL FLOATING AND SHIT!”

Marvin: Those people aren’t floating. They are FALLING. To earth. At an astonishing rate of speed. They’re solid. They don’t float.

Ocho: What about dust? Dust floats.

Marvin: Dust is made of microscopic particles. It gets blown around by the wind.

Ocho: How do you know it’s not made of bacon?

Marvin: It isn’t. It’s made of things like tree pollen and spores. It’s not made of bacon.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t know that.

Marvin: Yes, I do.

Ocho: No, you don’t. You’re no scientologist like Albert Edison. You can’t possibly know all that.

Marvin: Yes, I can. Dust is not made of bacon.

Ocho: Okay. What if I took my fork and knife and cut up a very tiny piece of bacon and POOF! Tossed it in the air. Then it’s just like dust.

Marvin: But you wouldn’t do that. No one cuts up microscopic pieces of bacon and then tosses them in the air.

Ocho: You don’t know that. They might do it in Germany.

Marvin: THEY DON’T DO THAT IN GERMANY. THEY DON’T CUT UP LITTLE BITS OF BACON AND THROW THEM IN THE AIR. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BACON DUST.

Ocho: Yes, there is. They sell it at the store. And they keep it in a bottle to keep it from flying away.

Marvin: Those are Bac-O’s, Chad. Bac-O’s. And Bac-O’s are not bacon dust. Bac-O’s are bacon bits. And they keep the Bac-O’s in a bottle to prevent them from spilling, FALLING onto the floor, because they are heavier than the air. They wouldn’t fly away if the bottle were to be opened.

Ocho: But you don’t know that. They could.

Marvin: No, they couldn’t.

Ocho: They could if there was a hurricane. I saw that Gustav hurricane make garbage cans fly and shit.

Marvin: That’s because it would be subject to 150MPH winds. Bacon does not float in a no-wind environment.

Ocho: Okay, then. Let me point something out to you. I eat bacon. You eat chicken. Right?

Marvin: Uh huh.

Ocho: Now, look at me.

Marvin: Uh huh.

Ocho: Now look at you.

Marvin: Uh huh.

Ocho: I rest my case. That bacon is VERY light.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. ARE YOU RETARDED? SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU MEDICALLY FUCKING RETARDED? THERE ARE 4 MILLION FACTORS THAT GO INTO A PERSON’S PHYSIQUE, INCLUDING HEREDITY, WORKOUT REGIMEN, AND METABOLISM. DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT YOU’RE THINNER THAN ME BECAUSE FUCKING BACON, FOR SOME INSANE REASON IN YOUR PEA-SIZED MIND, IS EXEMPT FROM THE PHYSICAL LAWS OF FUCKING GRAVITY? IS THERE A FUCKING BLACK HOLE IN YOUR HEAD?

IN FACT, BACON DOESN’T START OFF AS STRIPS. IT STARTS OFF A FUCKING HEAVY FUCKING SLAB THAT IS THEN CUT THIN AND FRIED, SO AS TO BE EVEN FUCKING HEAVIER. DOES THAT REGISTER AT ALL WITH YOUR TINY LITTLE FUCKING DINOSAUR BRAIN?

Ocho: They cut bacon in strips? Okay, now you’re just making shit up. Lemme call Ray Lewis and we’ll see what’s what.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.