Hi, folks! I’m Alonzo Spellman, former defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears and star of the new direct to DVD documentary “Alonzo Spellman Strangles A Nun”. You might remember me from the time I began speaking in tongues when I played on special teams, or the time I tried to mummify my wife while she was still alive. CLOVES WILL MAKE YOU SMELL GOOD UNDERGROUND, DEAR.

You also might remember me from such successful lunch products as Alonzo Spellman’s Eye Loaf, Alonzo Spellman’s Pussy Spork, and Alonzo Spellman’s Spreadable Hooker Liver. But now, I have concocted perhaps my tastiest product of all!

It’s Alonzo Spellman’s MayonnAIDS!

Wow! Is that like Baconnaise, but with AIDS, Mr. Spellman?

Sure is! Finally, the great taste of mayonnaise and the great taste of AIDS, together! You’ve never tasted AIDS quite like this! Go on. Have a bite.

Wow! It’s so thick and creamy! And a little bit medicinal!

That’s that subtle, unmistakable flavor of AIDS you’re savoring! Made with fresh egg yolks, 100% pure vegetable oil, and full blown AIDS, Alonzo Spellman’s MayonnAIDS goes great with any kind of food. Spread it on ham and AIDS sandwiches! Serve it as a delicious dip! Inject it into a cellmate! It’s one condiment you’ll never get enough of!

Say, Mr. Spellman, am I supposed to have open pustules all over my body after eating it?

Yep! That lets you know it’s delicious! AIDSlicious!

I feel very cold all of a sudden. I feel like never eating again and curling my body into the shape of a question mark.

That’s MayonnAIDS, all right! Best of all, Alonzo Spellman’s MayonnAIDS is certified 100% organic! No harmful preservatives or chemicals. I get my AIDS from local growers, like Tamaya down the block. Freshest AIDS available! Try it in my delicious chicken salad recipe!

1 cup Alonzo Spellman’s MayonnAIDS
1 cup chopped celery
2 tsp city puddle water
Gum
Hearts
Box of thumbtacks

Mix all the ingredients in a hollowed-out dog and serve. Mmmm, that’s good AIDS!

So don’t delay! Order some today and you’ll also get two free tubs of Alonzo Spellman’s cHIV cream cheese AND Alonzo Spellman’s cumgurt AT NO EXTRA COST.

What do you mean, you don’t like AIDS? YOU SHOULD. I WANT YOU TO HAVE AIDS BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO LIVE WITH THIS BY MYSELF. WELCOME TO THE WALKING DEAD. I WILL SEND YOU A VERY SMALL COFFIN TO SCARE YOU. YOU WILL DIE OF AIDS. SOON I WILL FIND A WAY TO GIVE IT TO YOU, SO YOU MAY AS WELL ENJOY A CRABCAKE WITH ME.

WHY IS THAT MAN IN MY TREE?

Order today!

Photoshop by Christmas AIDS, er, Ape.

Brandon Marshall: Jesus, we got minicamp already? Season just ended, man.

Champ Bailey: I know. But hey, at least Shanny’s gone. I hear the new guy is pretty chill. Easy to talk to. Real young. Real brainy.

Marshall: What do you mean by brainy?

(door flies open)

Josh McDaniels: Team! Team! Everyone bring it in! I’ve got some incredible findings I have to share with you. Gentlemen, I promised Mr. Bowlen that I would find new and innovative ways to win football games. I’d like to share one of these new techniques with you.

(throws filled syringes to players)

Bailey: What’s this?

McDaniels: AIDS.

Marshall: What?

McDaniels: That’s right, men. I’ve found a new way to get a physical and psychological edge on our opponents, particularly within the division. We’re going to give our opponents AIDS. And I don’t mean that dormant, Magic Johnson half-AIDS. I’m talking real Eazy-E AIDS. POWER AIDS.

Bailey: I don’t want to give anyone AIDS.

Marshall: Don’t you have to be a gay to give people AIDS?

McDaniels: No, men. Gays only GET AIDS. These syringes are for injecting your opponent, not yourselves. You see, like drop kicks, there’s nothing explicit in the NFL rule book forbidding us from giving AIDS to our opponents. That’s why, starting today, I want to do more AIDS drills and AIDS conditioning. If you see exposed skin on the field, I want you to grab your syringe, yell BALL, and then deliver that AIDS blow quickly and aggressively. Nothing will break an opponent’s will like a good dose of AIDS.

Bailey: That’s true. I hear AIDS, like losing, is contagious.

McDaniels: And this isn’t any ordinary AIDS, men. This is horse AIDS, which I will now rechristen Bronco AIDS. It’s a strain that’s impervious to typical AIDS cocktails. I’ve placed it in the coolers around the field, marked POWER AIDS. That lets you know it’s real Bronco AIDS, and not some kind of gay thirst quencher or diet candy.

I’ve studied a lot of tape on other teams, gentlemen. And while many of them can do thing like pass, and run, and tackle, they all have a common weakness we can exploit: THEY DO NOT LIKE AIDS.

Marshall: Coach is right. I heard Peyton Manning gets happy feet when he gets AIDS.

Bailey: I heard that too.

Marshall: I also heard Al Haynesworth will give up if you give him AIDS long enough.

McDaniels: You’re forced to abandon a lot of game plans when you get megahorseAIDS, gentlemen. Let’s say an opponent knows they can run on us. Well, if we can give them AIDS, they’ll abandon the run in favor of soothing their open lesions with a cold washcloth. Then we can pick them apart. Literally. Because they have AIDS.

Bailey: What about a team like the Steelers, who already have AIDS?

McDaniels: I’m glad you asked. Everyone, we’re in the middle of a new renaissance in football thinking. We have to start thinking outside of the usual marks for football accomplishment: TD’s, yards, sacks, and so forth. We need to start focusing on the hidden parts of game that matter: like AIDS, and AIDS babies, and power rapes.

Marshall: Power rapes?

McDaniels: That’s right. Our quantitative analysis shows that many teams are susceptible to power raping. And I think we need to make that a bigger component of our offense. One good power rape can be worth nearly FORTY yards of field position, netting an extra .6 points per game on average. And that’s just from one rape. I’m going to have Hal, the strength coach here, record the number of explosive rapes we commit per game. Put simply: the more we rape, the more we win.

Bailey: Doesn’t raping people make you gay?

McDaniels: No. GETTING raped makes you gay. Raping another player makes you even MORE heterosexual, because it means you’ve turned other men into girls. Because you raped them. And then gave them AIDS. That’s how it works.

Now, I’ve taken the liberty of scripting our first 15 rapes for the game. What we want to do is set the tone. It’ll also help us learn how they’re game planning for our large Bronco penises. So we can make our rapejustments at the half.

Marshall: I’m not sure I’m ready to rape people.

Bailey: Yeah, I heard that’s how Merriman fucked up his knee.

McDaniels: Well, what we’re looking for here is balance. You want to be able to mix your AIDS and your rape. So you can set up the AIDS with the megarape. And we sometime we can use the AIDS as the rape.

Bailey: BANG!

McDaniels: But gentlemen, we’re not alone in this pursuit. I think you all know how much my old boss liked deploying the AIDS. He was obsessed with AIDS. And he was very good at finding new and creative ways to get AIDS more involved in the game. Other coaches are going to be scheming with AIDS, and rectal warts, and monkey herpes. THE GAME IS CONSTANTLY EVOLVING. Think Tedi Bruschi isn’t ready to give you AIDS? He is. Now, here’s your playbook. Your AIDS plays are in the front. But be aware for the colored tabs indicating which plays are for dog rape, which are for germ warfare, which are for cum wiping, and which are for nipple biting. We’re going to get into nipple biting later in camp.

Marshall: Nipple biting?

McDaniels: That’s right, Brandon. Nipple biting can really throw a defense off. One second, they’re zone blitzing. The next, you’ve sunk your teeth deep into the thin pink tissue surrounding the areola, causing their nipples to leak a clear, viscous fluid. You really want to clamp down on that nipple and never let it go. Again, that’s inside the numbers, so it’s not holding if you bite nipples. That’s gonna throw teams for a loop, if they come to the line knowing you want to feast on their soft, hairy man-spouts. They’ll think twice about going over the middle then!

Marshall: If I bite Quentin Jammer’s nipple, I could then power through with an AIDS hit.

McDaniels: Now you’re getting the idea! So come on, gents. We’ve got a lot of practicing to do.

Bailey: Fuck, now I can’t WAIT until September, man! I’m gettin’ jacked for that first rape!

Marshall: I like this new coach! He’s a player’s coach. But he’s also good with x’s and AIDS.

McDaniels: My friends, we’ve only reached the tip of the nipple.