Matt Millen: There’s a word for what has happened with the Penn State football family. And that word is unconscionable. The actions of Jerry Sandusky were unconscionable, but the fallout has been unconscionable too. The unconscionable firing of Joe Paterno reeked of unconscionability. And that goes double for the students who took to the campus to show their dissatisfaction with vicious, destructive, unconscionable rioting. There are many things in the world that are conscionable and this is not one of them.

Will this forever mar the proud name of Penn State? I shudder to think so, but who knows? It just might. Does that mean that it should? In my opinion, no. This was simply a singular case of repeated abuse that made the entire program culpable through its silence and inaction. Had there been multiple Jerry Sanduskys raping and abusing scores of young boys and possibly pimping them out to donors, then okay. We can begin to maybe open up that line of debate. But that’s not has happened and until it happens, we can’t. Right now, it was only one serial molester. Name a big name program that hasn’t had one of those. You can’t.

It’s a tragic situation, is what it is. I wish there were a way I could make it all go away. You try to tear up all the newspapers reporting on this, but they only print more of ‘em. Then they report on the story on the computers. Now, I can rip a computer in half, no problem. But those bad boys are expensive and I’m not pulling in the GM money that I used to. It’s like there’s just no way to keep this horrible, horrible story from spreading.

I-I just… [Has emotional breakdown on air]

Host: We all know how much this means to you, Matt. This is a proud legacy. Penn State is like family to you.

Host: Now let’s bring in another famous Penn State alum, LaVar Arrington, to weigh in on the issue. LaVar, how have you been coping with the news?

LaVar Arrington: Not well. Not well at all. There’s a lot to process here. First, there was lots of these kids coming forward to say they was touched by this man. That’s sad. I don’t care who you are. That’s sad. This predator is not any man. It’s a man who works, or did work, for Penn State football. That’s personal to me. I played for Penn State football. I still have a connection to Penn State football. If things happen to them that are sad, I become sad by extension. That’s how an emotional extension thing works.

Joe Paterno is gone. The man is a legend. Is, was, will be forever. I played for Joe Paterno. He was like a father figure to me. I say father figure because he is not my actual father but he taught me life lessons in the manner that a father might teach to his real son. Now I’ve lost my father figure. That hurts. The Penn State football program is in disgrace. That hurts. And kids that I don’t know personally but have real feelings were touched. That hurts as well, because I possess empathy. That is sadness on many levels. Compound sadness is what you could call it. So when you ask me questions about whether I am doing well with this news, I say no.

Host: Very emotional take by former Penn State linebacker LaVar Arrington on the recent scandal at his alma mater. Shifting on to the news of -

Matt Millen: If I could add something…

Host: Oh. Sure, Matt. Go ahead.

Matt Millen: I liked what LaVar had to say. Griping, succinct and deeply felt. That he’s a product of the program that shows that Penn State still has a lot to be proud of. Now, I’m going to proceed to cry again on-air and I would appreciate it if you kept the camera on me for the duration of my little jag here. These tears aren’t easy to work up.

LaVar Arrington: I’ve been crying all day, too, Matt. This is a story that touches a lot of people emotionally. I’m emotionally touched.

Matt Millen: I can appreciate that, LaVar. But the public associates me with Penn State football. This is the outpouring they need to move on and heal.

LaVar Arrington: I was an iconic football player for Penn State football. I frequently mention that I played for them, even in a context that strikes people as bizarre and offensive. I got a Penn State coffee mug that I use during my radio show. I don’t even fill it with coffee. I just let it sit there.

Matt Millen: Oh, you frequently mention that you played for Penn State. Isn’t that nice? Have you worked as an announcer for nationally televised NFL games where you gratuitously and constantly pointed out which players went to Penn State? Because I’ve done that. I’ve been doing that since even before you came to State College.

LaVar Arrington: Well, I’m so devastated by this news, I think I’m gonna run out into traffic. Suddenly, I become part of the story. “UPDATE TO THE PENN STATE SCANDAL: LaVar Arrington So Overcome With Grief, He Plays Suicide Frogger On The D.C. Beltway. I-66 Gridlock Is Relatively Unaffected.”

Matt Millen: Not if I beat you out there.

LaVar Arrington: Not a chance, old man.

[Both take off]

Host: Joining us to discuss the recent suicide pact made by former Penn State standouts Matt Millen and LaVar Arrington, made in reaction to the child molestation scandal, is former Penn State linebacker and current Jacksonville Jaguar, Paul Posluszny.

Paul Posluszny: Thanks for having me.

[Pause]

Pretty sad stuff.

It’s a light mailbag this week, folks. Sorry about that; we just didn’t get a whole lot in the way of wild and crazy submissions. But hey, look! Rape Stove! The preferred stove of Lawrence Taylor! Or Ben Roethlisberger! Or some other player accused of rape! Great for baking your 40-pound box of rape!

That makes this whole post worthwhile, right?

No? Ah well. Let’s just get it over with then.

(Insert witty greeting here),
FF: Played in a league with the same guys for 3 years now and we are all in agreement we want to start up as a keeper league this year. We have always just used a site ran league where we put our scoring in and it does the rest, so any recommendations for a site that is good for a keeper league format?

Yahoo does everything well. Some people prefer other sites like Fleaflicker, but Yahoo just feels the most user-friendly to me.

Sexytime: 22 year old nerd kid who by the grace of god has fell into an amazing girl who I know is way out of my league. She is older, sexy, funny, and all my friends think she is the shit. (I know if I say hot I have to include pics but a lot of my buddies also read you so to save embarrassment, no deal) Perfect situation, been dating for a few months. She is a single mom who has not even mentioned meeting her kid yet and we hang out most all the time she is kid-free. She usually stays over on the weekends she has her free time and everything to this point has been great, until last weekend.

She sounds like a really great mom.

Long story short I talk in my sleep and decided to go ahead and tell amazing girl I love her. The problem with that is I did not call her by her name but my ex’s name instead. Whoops. She mentioned it the next day but didn’t by any means do a girl freak out. I said I was sorry, and she hasn’t said anything else really although her demeanor has changed this week. Maybe its just me, but she just seems more preoccupied and not as quick to respond to me as normal. This leads me to believe she’s pissed about it but isn’t saying anything. Do I just let sleeping dogs lie, or how do I go about fixing this?
Thanks,
Subconscious Screwup

I’m not sure you can fix this, unless you’re actually in love with this amazing girl and want to clarify your feelings sometime when you’re awake.

Of course, you can try to confront her and see if something’s wrong. I remember one date I went on with a (now-ex-) girlfriend a couple years ago. She was being all quiet and sullen, and I was like, “Listen, it’s obvious something’s bothering you, just tell me what’s up so we can talk about it and make it better.” And she was all, “No, it’s fine, I’m just tired.” Two hours later, as I turn the light off to go to bed, she says, “It just bothers me that…” and she might have finished that sentence had I not strangled her to death on the spot. Some women — correction: some people – would rather be quietly bothered with something and bitch about to their friends instead of resolving the situation with a simple conversation.

Anyway, I’m babbling AND projecting, which doesn’t help you with your problem. I suggest the most tried and true solution in the book: buy her flowers.

Captain Caveman,
Sex: I’ll keep this as short as possible, since I know that’s how you like it. I think I’m in a scenario that is a bit different than most people my age (23). Long story short, I’m a recovering alcoholic. It’s something I’ve kind of known has been an issue for a while, but I haven’t really faced that reality until somewhat recently. I have been completely sober for a little over six months. It’s something I’m proud of, and I am intent on staying this way, but it does pose some problems. Namely, meeting girls and/or hooking up with them. My question is basically a two-parter: 1) when dating, when do you think would be an appropriate time to bring this up? I’m obviously not going to say something on a first date, but it’s clearly something that needs to be put out in the open if I want to have a healthy long-term relationship.

Why would you not say something on the first date? I mean, you don’t HAVE to bring it up, but if you go to dinner or out to a bar after a movie and you don’t have a drink, she may very well ask why you’re not drinking. Go ahead and be honest: tell her you’ve already done a lifetime of drinking, and/or you didn’t like the person you were when you drank. There’s no shame in honesty and self-improvement.

2) What are the ethics behind going home with a girl that I meet out? Just because I’m not drinking doesn’t mean I won’t still be out in normal situations with other people my age – where drinking is kind of the main focus. So what do I do if a girl obviously wants to hook up, but has been drinking? Normally, that’d be a green light for most 20-somethings, who have also imbibed throughout the night. But being sober, it just feels…wrong. Your thoughts?

Hey, if a girl wants to hook up with you, go for it. She’s an adult — at least, I would hope and assume so — and she’s drinking, at least in part, to lower her inhibitions. Is she only supposed to hook up with guys as drunk as she is, so that both parties can blame it on the alcohol in the morning?

I say go ahead and hook up with that hypothetical drunk girl (just make sure she’s not TOO drunk, gnome sayin’?). There aren’t many advantages to not drinking, but being clear-headed at the end of the night and being able to drive your conquest home are two of the few.

Football: My one championship-winning fantasy football season in six years has been with Donovan McNabb at the helm. Obviously, he wouldn’t be my first choice for QB (or my 5th, for that matter), but do you think there’s a chance he has a bit of a resurgence this year with the Redskins? I’m no Washington fan (it’s more that I despise the Eagles, and would love to see their fans regret running him out of town), but am I crazy to think he could regain some form with a new team?
Sincerely, Dry Drunk

No, you’re not crazy. Oh wait, that new team is the Redskins? Then yes. Definitely crazy.

Dear KSK,

Football, because the rules stipulate it – the knocks I saw people giving Sergio Kindle centre on his work ethic and injury problems. Work ethic is hopefully something the team’s veterans can pummel into him (possibly on pain of stabbing), but how concerned should I be with his history of knee injuries? That’s a vague question and one you probably don’t have the answer for, but it just popped into my head.

Kindle has already been vocal about winning Defensive Rookie of the Year, and he certainly has the talent and 3-4 skills on a good defensive team to do so. I wouldn’t worry about the work ethic thing — plenty of football stars have DWI charges in undergrad and move on to better things. Why, just look at Jerramy Stevens!

So, bad example. But back to your question:

how concerned should I be with his history of knee injuries?

Hold on, let me shove this crystal ball and magic 8-ball up my ass, and maybe I can crap out an answer. My rectum is never wrong!

Sex – well, it’s not even sex, really. I’m just curious how you got used to sleeping in the same bed as your girls. Maybe it’s because it’s unusual or because I like to flail, but I’m finding it nearly impossible. If I need to sleep, I have to sleep in another bed.
-Thrash McDreamy

Are you kidding? I sleep way better with a woman next to me. They’re like teddy bears with vaginas.

You’ve got some kind of problem that I don’t know anything about, because the only professional schooling I have beyond undergrad involves things like calling for artillery and the use of claymores when preparing an L-shaped ambush. I recommend speaking to your physician and looking into tests at a sleep institute.

Smartest Gay Mafia on the Internet:
I have a friend getting married soon. Recently, we were discussing past sexual conquests. He noted he wishes he had sex with more girls in college. Hard to disagree with that statement. Then he said there were specifically two girls he was friends with that he wishes he would have had sex with. If he’d done that, he’d have been with “enough” women. Now, I’m not concerned this will impact his upcoming nuptials or anything, but I do fundamentally disagree with what he said. If he’d had sex with those two, there’d be two more women he’d wish he’d have had sex with. There will always be some woman or women that we wanted to have sex with and didn’t. It’s our nature as men. Even guys who have slept with thousands of women probably have one or two that “got away”. There’s no such thing as “enough.” No man says “I’ve had sex with enough women, time to get married.” I’m pretty sure they say “I really love this woman, so I’m done sleeping with other ones”. What are your thoughts on the subject?

Yeah, that’s about right. No matter how happy a man is in a relationship, he’s bound to be a little depressed when he thinks about how he’ll never see an old college friend or the flirty woman at the gym or the grocery cashier naked. I’m not even married, and just thinking about the women I won’t get to sleep with makes me kind of sad.

Same guy has not paid his league fees for last year’s fantasy football. He’s also notorious for paying late. Granted, he lives out of state, but it’s 2010, not like he has to contract the Pony Express to send money across the country. Dick move to deduct payment from his wedding present? Better or worse than requesting payment during the ceremony? I will probably just ask him for the money again, but the other scenarios are much more fun.
- J.H.

Yeah, definitely be the guy who talks about late payments for his fantasy football league at a friend’s wedding. Everyone will think you’re totally cool.

Hey KSK,
First FFB: After playing fantasy football for a while I have come to this understanding:
1. You can’t make the playoffs without a Top 5 QB
2. You can’t win a Championship with Peyton Manning as your QB

Well, considering a lot of leagues have 6- and 8-team playoffs, I would theorize that you CAN make the playoffs without a Top 5 QB. And you probably can win a championship with Manning, but only if he’s on your bench in Week 16.

So, Who are your Top 5 Fantasy QBs this year (non Manning)? Mine is Rodgers, Rivers, Schaub, Brees, Brady in that order.

Mine are similar to yours, but with correct grammar. I’d put Brees first because even if he has a bad week, I’ll still like him. Then Rodgers, Schaub, Rivers, and Brady.

Relationships: I’ve been married for 3 years (I’m 30) and I love my wife. But, whenever we go to my parents house together, she always drops a “Can we not stay here too long?” or “I don’t want to stay all night with your parents.”

And then when we go to her parents house, we stay FOR-EVER. It is never a short visit, and she wants to get there early and stay late. It pisses me off that she always finds excuses with my parents, but she never wants to leave her parents at a reasonable hour.

Do I bring this up with her, or do I just bite my tongue with the in-laws and avoid the fight (that’s bound to come)? Help me KSK. You’re my only hope.
Thanks, Rex

Everyone in my family always gives me the same advice: “Marry an orphan.”

What you’ve got is a run-of-the-mill stock marriage problem experienced by almost every married couple I’ve ever known. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a fair (read: limited) exposure to in-laws. Obviously, you need to address the problem with your wife — just do it with tact and when she’s in a good mood.

Knowers of Women & Football:

Sex: I’ve been seeing a girl for a little under a year now. Everything is great, she’s wonderful, we’re great, etc. However, earlier this week she informed me that she’s going to have to move out of her apartment, due to financial difficulties. She plans on moving back in with her parents, which is a good 45 minutes to an hour outside of our city. This would suck. I own my own place and it’s plenty big enough for the both of us, and I could conceivably ask her to move in with me.

The thing is, I just don’t think I’m ready for that yet. It’s something I’ve thought about, but never anything we’ve discussed; it’s obviously a serious relationship, and that’s the route I want it to take, I just don’t want to take that (admittedly big) step right now. I want it to be because we want to, not because we have to; to her credit, she’s echoed the exact same sentiments verbatim (want to, not need to), and she isn’t asking to move in nor is she putting any pressure on me to do so. But I can’t help feeling a little selfish about it, as the move is obviously bothering her, and I feel like I could help if I just said “hey, move in with me”…I just don’t think I’m ready for that just yet. Am I being a selfish prick here?

Nope. The quickest way to ruin a relationship is by moving in together before you’re ready. Let her live with her parents for a while. Have her spend weekends with you. Enjoy both the benefits and the pains of a medium-distance relationship, and maybe that will help you realize, “Wow, I miss her all the time. I want her to live with me.” Or it could be “This broad ain’t worth all the drivin’.”

Whatever the case, you’ve got a pretty mature approach to the situation. My only recommendation is that you reiterate to her that you want to help her out, but you’re just not ready for that step. Besides, she’s probably better off — as are you — if she finds her own two feet financially instead of being bailed out by you.

Football: What the fuck are the Broncos doing? Trading for Brady Quinn, drafting Tebow, still starting Orton….seriously, what the fuck? Thanks for any advice you can provide.
-Confused

Not to mention trading Brandon Marshall. Anyway, we’ve handled the Josh-McDaniels-is-an-asshole question before. And I don’t know, dude. I yukked it up this time last year when McDaniels sent Cutler’s bitchy ass to Chicago, then the Broncos turned out to have a nasty D and went 8-8 — not exactly bad for a rookie coach who most predicted would fall on his face. From here on out, I’m treading lightly in my preemptive Broncofreude.

Tonight at 8, ESPN premieres it’s 30 for 30 documentary about Ricky Williams titled, “Ewok Village and the Time I Wore a Dress On That Magazine Cover”. I’ll have to double check on the that, actually. Anyway, it’s usually anathema for bloggers to praise anything tWWL does, but the doc series has actually been mostly good, so it’ll probably be worth a viewing. I mean, the movie’s got weed, sexual abuse and football. If they make so much as one Simpsons reference, it might as well be about this site.

Everyone who reads this blog knows I’m a huge Steelers homer, so let’s just get that out of the way so as to eliminate the need for 35 commenters to make note of it. As with any scandal involving a famous athlete, there’ve been oil tanker-size loads of stupidity being doled out on the reg in regards to each development of the latest Ben Roethlisberger sexual assault case. I’ve managed to ignore most of it while minimizing my Twitter fights with Mike Florio to a respectable two. However, after Georgia investigators determined they had insufficient evidence to even bring charges against Roethlisberger, the Steelers misguided decision to trade Santonio Holmes for a 5th round pick and yesterday’s subsequent meeting between commissioner Roger Goodell and Big Ben, the retardery ramped up to a height that made my brain bleed. Then I clicked on this fetid pile of word shit and had to jam my typing finger in my cat’s litter box to ease the stench. The only recourse was unleashing the FJM treatment, but the result skewed more toward the shrill than funny. I told the rest of the Gay Mafia that I wasn’t going to post it, but then Drew and flub demanded that I do anyway, because they enjoy seeing me make an ass of myself. So here it is. Be forewarned that massively annoying homerism abounds.

It’s time for the Steelers to cut Ben Roethlisberger. Just let him go. Stand strong and state that he no longer deserves to wear Pittsburgh’s uniform.

An outright release for one of the two best quarterbacks in the franchise’s history? Sure, let’s hear this guy out. I haven’t had a reason to drink ammonia yet this morning.

Base the stance not on legalities, but on standards and values. Base the decision on Roethlisberger’s actions — and his attitude toward his actions.

Of course it’s not based on legalities, because if you go by that standard, Roethlisberger has done nothing wrong. Nothing. You’re just as much in violation of the law writing this mindless thumbsucker piece than he’s been bar-hopping. This is the point in the column where you already know the writer has no actual point to make, but my morbid curiosity obligated to press on.

A suspension is warranted, but it’s not enough. Roethlisberger has earned his release.

I like the presupposition that a suspension is deserved. Unless it’s become a violation of league policy to be a fatass, or to hold press conferences while having a redneck version of Snake’s evil hair, Roethlisberger has, again, done absolutely nothing wrong. And if you want to throw out the often invoked argument that a black player would be mistreated similarly by the league, then go ahead and name me a black player who has been suspended by the NFL for violating the personal conduct policy when he has never been arrested or charged with a crime. Pacman Jones? Arrested, charged and in one case plea bargained for a lesser charge. Chris Henry? Arrested four times in a 14-month span. Brandon Marshall? Arrested and charged numerous times.

Big Ben has no charges and no arrests. There are rampant acts of tasteless idiocy to consider, but then if that were a violation enforced by the NFL, we’d probably only have enough players available to fill three teams.

That said, the Steelers recent grandstanding with Santonio Holmes, which forced them to trade their no. 1 receiver away for a song as a message to potential wrongdoers, might compel them to make a similarly pointless statement with their starting quarterback in the form of a suspension of a couple games, lest they be called hypocrites. All so they can keep telling the media they’re more morally upright than anyone else, even when it’s clear that they are not. That still doesn’t mean Big Ben necessarily deserves to be suspended though.

It’s admittedly tough to say what was expected of Roethlisberger in his first public statements concerning that much-publicized March night in Milledgeville, Ga.

But the last thing expected was to hear him speak with defiance and without a hint of remorse.

Remorse for what? He. Didn’t. Do. Anything. Do people really expect an apology for their presumption of guilt?

“HI AMERICA! THE BEN SORRY HE WAS ACCUSED OF THING HE NOT REALLY DID! NEXT TIME HE TRY HARD TO DO THINGS PEOPLE SAY HE DO BUT REALLY DID NOT. BEN SORRY NO DO SIT-UPS YESTERDAY NEITHER.”

Compare his defiance to these written words from the victim

You mean to tell me the other party in a criminal complaint paints a different picture of events than the accused? Especially when they still likely plan on filing a civil suit? No way! The judicial system is KRAZEE.

That a crime could not be proven beyond a reasonable doubt does not erase these written words from a 20-year-old, written, Bright said, 12 or 13 hours after the incident when she was “sober … and coherent.”

Why, she’s downright eloquent when she’s not fucking plastered. Such situational poise! And you should see Donte Stallworth not hit people with his car when he’s driving sober.

To be fair, nobody knows what happened in that bathroom in that bar that night. Nobody was there but Roethlisberger and his accuser.

Fairness, making its first appearance in paragraph 11. You never can count on that guy to make it to the party on time.

What is known is that Roethlisberger is a strong 28-year-old who routinely shrugs off tacklers. His accuser is a 20-year-old coed with her life ahead of her.

Irrelevant fact + Irrelevant fact = Irrelekkake!

People say a sexual assault victim is assaulted twice — once when it happens, the second time in court.

People also say those accused of sexual assault are hit with presumed guilt, both at the outset of the case, and even afterward, when they aren’t actually found to be guilty. It cuts both ways, this sad process.

In a letter to the prosecutor, this girl’s attorney asked that the prosecution not go forward because she did not want to go through the torment of the trial. Whether her assault claim is right or wrong, her stance on the trial is reasonable.

So the accuser’s statement is taken at face value, but everything Roethlisberger claims is duplicitous, misleading and self-interested? What happened to the fairness? Is it just gonna hang out in paragraph 11? C’mon fairness, you gotta learn how to mingle.

The woman claimed assault. Roethlisberger denied it. Bright could not say, but he said enough when he said he did not try morals but crimes and that Roethlisberger should “grow up.”

It also wasn’t Fred Bright’s job nor place to make that determination. He was assigned to investigate a criminal matter, not compile a personality profile on Ben Roethlisberger. That long-winded fuck was also taking about what influence his father had on his life and commitment to justice, so suffice it to say that shithead was looking for a bit of attention.

Roethlisberger used 17 first-person references in his statement. Never once did he mention the girl, not even to say he regretted what she had been through.

“NOT TRUE! THE BEN ALWAYS SPEAK IN THIRD PERSON!”

So having the accuser mentioned in court proceedings is somehow one of the evils of sexual assault, yet he’s supposed to discuss her in front of the national media? Also, to apologize suggests a degree of guilt, and what with a likely civil suit, perhaps that’s not the smartest message to convey. NEVERMIND, THE BEN IS SORRY HE NOT REALLY RAPE YOU. HE RAPE YOU FOR REALS NEXT TIME!

If any contrition or remorse exists, Roethlisberger did not show it.

Yes, Ben could have come out and put on an act of false contrition and moved on, but people see through a put-on — just like they can how Roethlisberger acted so put on at this 74-second statement. Put on, as in he was the victim.

If he was falsely accused of something he did not do, then yes, I would say he is in fact the victim in that scenario.

/gets drawn, quartered and castrated by Jezebel readers

Imagine Dan Rooney, the respected leader of the Rooney family and now the U.S. Ambassador to Ireland, watching.

Oh boy, another idiotic rhetorical ploy. Heavens, he let down Rooney Claus. There will be no Rooneymas this year, boys and girls. Who gives a shit how embarrassed Dan Rooney is? Why does the media buy and promote the holier-than-thou shit the family constantly spouts? He’s a fine, upstanding owner, but it’s far from the first time one of his players has been in the news for negative reasons. Especially ones that turned out to be unfounded. Jerome Bettis was falsely accused of sexual assault once. Did he shame the fucking franchise?

The case can be made that Roethlisberger was not even accused, much less convicted. But playing for the Steelers is not determined by a court, or a prosecutor. It’s determined by a long-respected family that cherishes values and holds actions to a standard of accountability and responsibility.

He’s judge, jury and Rooneycutioner!

If the Steelers embrace higher standards than their peers, they should act on what happened and release Roethlisberger.

Another team might pick him up, and he might play well for that team. So be it.

Oh sure, you’ll lose. And lose horribly. But you can lose smugly and self-righteously. THAT’S THE STEELER WAY!

Get fucked Fanhouse. First you bury all the bloggers who helped your site establish itself, only so you can now promote this worthless overwrought tripe. That’s the fucking tragedy.

Ben Roethlisberger will not be charged for the alleged rape that occurred in a Georgia bar last month. You’ll just have to wait until the next time Big Ben rapes for justice to be served. We’ve already heard enough canned analysis from pundits and indignation from everyone else. But what would the reaction be like if we lived in a country that revered its rapists? I think it might go a little something like this:

“Ha! I knew Ben Roethlisberger couldn’t rape. He’s not a real rapist. He’s just a rape manager. Just because he got accused of rape doesn’t make him a rapist. I hate that argument. I mean, even Trent Dilfer got accused of rape once.”

“Ben Roethlisberger only rapes because of his defense. You give me that defense, I could rape anyone. ANYONE. Ben is definitely not an elite rapist. He couldn’t even rape a college girl. OVERRATED RAPIST!”

“Have you seen that guy? Eat another ribwich, fatty. And cut your stupid mullet. A rapist shouldn’t be so chunky. It’s an embarrassment to rape. I could never root for a guy who raped like that.”

“ESPN totally overplays this story because it’s a white quarterback. When a black guy rapes, he has to practically kill for any attention. When the golden boy white quarterback is the one doing the raping, you never hear the end of it. Typical. Jason Campbell could rape five chicks tomorrow and you’d see a paragraph on it. Maybe not even that much. Or they’d try to subtly undermine him by saying he’s a ‘running rapist’. Just because he’s a better athlete doesn’t make him any lesser of a rapist. I’m so tired of this. The media has ruined rape for me.”

The absence of concrete facts in a celebrity scandal is ideal conditions for the idiocy plant to flower into a bumper crop of half-formed thoughts and flimsy speculative arguments. Witness this. And this. AND THIS!!!! Granted, it’s not helping that the bumf*ck authorities in Jawja are taking their sweet tea time in actually interviewing Ben Roethlisberger about the alleged sexual assault.

They may not even get around to talk to Big Ben for a few days. In the meantime, the Southern cops regale us with press conferences that provide no new information about the “pacific allegations regarding Ben Rothenburger”. Well sorry, Chief Gillespie, we can’t wait that long. So we’ve used our considerable contacts and resources to reach out to Big Ben and get his version of what actually went down last Thursday night.

THE BEN WAS IN BAR. THEN BEN WAS IN DIFFERENT BAR. HAD GIRLS. HAD DRINKS. DEVIL SHIRT ON TO SHOW LADIES ELEMENT OF DANGER. LADIES LIKE.

ONE GIRL SING CARRY OKIE. SHE SAY SHE WANT BOOM BOOM POW WHILE LOOKING RIGHT AT THE BEN.

BEN THINK TO BENSELF THAT SHE PRETTY ENOUGH TO DROWN IN TOILET

THE BEN WANTED TO LOVE HER AND HUG HER AND PET HER…

GEORGIA PEACHES GOOD. SLOPPY BUT GOOD

THE BEN TELL GIRL HE IS INTO FOOTBALL, CHOCO TACOS, CALL OF DUTY. GIRL SAID SHE KNOW THE BEN FROM THE TV. BEN GET THAT A LOT.

GIRL LAUGH AND SAY SHE HAD TO DROP OFF CHOCO TACOS IN TOILET. BEN WAS EXCITED. THAT WAS WHERE THE BAR WAS HIDING CHOCO TACOS. HE WAS LOOKING ALL NIGHT.

GIRL CONFUSED ABOUT BEN IN BATHROOM. BEN SAID YOU SAID CHOCO TACOS IN HERE. YOU SAID THAT WAS JOKE. BEN SAID YOU NOT MAKE HARFS ABOUT CHOCO TACOS. THAT IS SERIOUS. SHE SAID SORRY, BUT THERE IS NO CHOCO TACO.

BEN GOT UPSET

BUT THEN BEN REMEMBER SOMETHING FUNNY FROM THE TV. SHOW CALLED FUNNY OR DIE. BEN DID NOT DIE, SO SHOW MUST BE FUNNY. BEN DO WHAT SHIRT DOES BECAUSE WHAT SHIRT DOES IS FUNNY.

SO BEN INNOCENT BECAUSE HE MADE COMEDY. EVERYONE SAY RAPE SERIOUS, BUT IF SERIOUS THEY WOULD NOT HAVE IT ON A FUNNY SHOW. BEN IS GOING ON WITH HIS OFF-SEASON NOW.

Or, alternatively: X MARKS THE RAPIST.

Yes, that’s Shawne Merriman with the logo for something called POWERADE ION4 shaved into the side of his head, because who wants Brent Celek to get away with being the biggest guerrilla marketing whore in the NFL? Puhlease. Who’s he ever forced himself on? I mean, besides my mom.

All you future sexual assailants out there better get with this Powerade stuff, especially now that they’re outlawing Joose (the bastards). It promises revitalized, angry sperm.

Rape is certainly no laughing matter, despite the fact that we poke fun at it on a near hourly basis on this blog. But in the real world, it isn’t. That is, unless a woman fabricates a patently ludicrous story of a rape or assault by a celebrity, then that’s a whole ‘nother story. It’s the tender tale of Fake Rape. And it’s the laugh riot of the year. Two such examples cropped up just before this 2009 season got underway. Now that the accused square off on the football field, with nothing on their mind than a little permissible forced entry, we examine the accusers and their lying lies that aren’t true. So, WHO YA GOT?

Our regularly scheduled Monday night live blogification returns, with us streaming to you live vulgarities and inappropriate jokes to bolster your viewing experience of what will undoubtedly be two massive blowouts between divisional foes. First up, you might have seen it scrawled on Bill Simmons’ masturbation journal that the Dreamboat is back (we can’t confirm Simmons’ report that his dick is even tastier now) and Brady’s bringing cuddles (and even more kids!) with him. This should be a doozy. How ever will a Patriots defense gutted of old useless automatons like Mike Vrabel, Tedy Bruschi, Rodney Harrison (who’s still talking trash about Patriots opponents even though he’s a studio analyst now) and Richard Seymour manage to stifle a supersimplified Bills offensive strategy devised by Alex Van Pelt? Surely they cannot hope to try. Lay down your arms, fellas.

Our latter Mike & Mike narrated lop-sided contest features King Philip the Laserfaced GOING ALL PHILIP RIVERS on the Tom Cable’s band of overweight quarterbacks and savagely beaten coaching staff in Raidervania. Will Tila Tequila follow up on her promise to get all the battered women of the world to show up and protest (only to be raped again by Raiders fans)? Let’s hope so!

One of the most important developments in the NFL this off-season was Brad Childress’s decision to grow a beard.  With the simple act of not shaving, he swiftly eliminated one of his biggest criticisms: that he believes in Tarvaris Jackson looks like Gerald McRaney. But not Gerald McRaney in a tough-but-loving Marine officer way. More like Gerald McRaney as the villain in a Lifetime movie. The paleness, the male pattern baldness, the glasses, and most especially the mustache really made you feel like “Childress” was a surname shortened from “children undressing.”

This was Childress last year:

Scary, right?  The only thing Photoshopped in that picture was the outdoors and the playground.  The original photo was taken in his vast underground kiddie-rape dungeon [Ed. Note: not true. His kiddie-rape dungeon is in the attic.].

But the beard gives Childress some gravitas. He almost looks distinguished. He’s like an English professor at a community college now:

Now instead of leering at children, he’s leering at Michelle, the chubby 20-year-old single mom who got pregnant in high school. I can totally see him mailing in his lectures and making the symbolism in The Scarlet Letter even more boring than it already is. And encouraging Michelle to come by his office hours and discuss how she might be able to improve her grade, heh heh heh.