Or, alternatively: X MARKS THE RAPIST.

Yes, that’s Shawne Merriman with the logo for something called POWERADE ION4 shaved into the side of his head, because who wants Brent Celek to get away with being the biggest guerrilla marketing whore in the NFL? Puhlease. Who’s he ever forced himself on? I mean, besides my mom.

All you future sexual assailants out there better get with this Powerade stuff, especially now that they’re outlawing Joose (the bastards). It promises revitalized, angry sperm.

Rape is certainly no laughing matter, despite the fact that we poke fun at it on a near hourly basis on this blog. But in the real world, it isn’t. That is, unless a woman fabricates a patently ludicrous story of a rape or assault by a celebrity, then that’s a whole ‘nother story. It’s the tender tale of Fake Rape. And it’s the laugh riot of the year. Two such examples cropped up just before this 2009 season got underway. Now that the accused square off on the football field, with nothing on their mind than a little permissible forced entry, we examine the accusers and their lying lies that aren’t true. So, WHO YA GOT?

Our regularly scheduled Monday night live blogification returns, with us streaming to you live vulgarities and inappropriate jokes to bolster your viewing experience of what will undoubtedly be two massive blowouts between divisional foes. First up, you might have seen it scrawled on Bill Simmons’ masturbation journal that the Dreamboat is back (we can’t confirm Simmons’ report that his dick is even tastier now) and Brady’s bringing cuddles (and even more kids!) with him. This should be a doozy. How ever will a Patriots defense gutted of old useless automatons like Mike Vrabel, Tedy Bruschi, Rodney Harrison (who’s still talking trash about Patriots opponents even though he’s a studio analyst now) and Richard Seymour manage to stifle a supersimplified Bills offensive strategy devised by Alex Van Pelt? Surely they cannot hope to try. Lay down your arms, fellas.

Our latter Mike & Mike narrated lop-sided contest features King Philip the Laserfaced GOING ALL PHILIP RIVERS on the Tom Cable’s band of overweight quarterbacks and savagely beaten coaching staff in Raidervania. Will Tila Tequila follow up on her promise to get all the battered women of the world to show up and protest (only to be raped again by Raiders fans)? Let’s hope so!

One of the most important developments in the NFL this off-season was Brad Childress’s decision to grow a beard.  With the simple act of not shaving, he swiftly eliminated one of his biggest criticisms: that he believes in Tarvaris Jackson looks like Gerald McRaney. But not Gerald McRaney in a tough-but-loving Marine officer way. More like Gerald McRaney as the villain in a Lifetime movie. The paleness, the male pattern baldness, the glasses, and most especially the mustache really made you feel like “Childress” was a surname shortened from “children undressing.”

This was Childress last year:

Scary, right?  The only thing Photoshopped in that picture was the outdoors and the playground.  The original photo was taken in his vast underground kiddie-rape dungeon [Ed. Note: not true. His kiddie-rape dungeon is in the attic.].

But the beard gives Childress some gravitas. He almost looks distinguished. He’s like an English professor at a community college now:

Now instead of leering at children, he’s leering at Michelle, the chubby 20-year-old single mom who got pregnant in high school. I can totally see him mailing in his lectures and making the symbolism in The Scarlet Letter even more boring than it already is. And encouraging Michelle to come by his office hours and discuss how she might be able to improve her grade, heh heh heh.

HALP!

HINES YOU GOTSTA HALP

Hines Ward: Carm down, carm down. What is happen, Rongrastname?

Ben Roethlisberger: CRAZY COWBOY LADY SAY THE BEN PUT HIS PENISSPOT WHERE IT SHOULDNA BEEN

Hines Ward: She is say you is commit the lape?

Hmm

Vvveeeeeeellllleeeeee selious

Ben Roethlisberger: BUT THE BEN DONE NOTHING BAD! HE IS PURE AS NEW CHOCO TACO FRESH OUT THE WRAPPER! SHE IS THE FIBBER! SHE IS THE FIBBER!

Hines: You is needing to lerax and make exprain what is -

Ben Roethlisberger: NOW THE BEN FANS ALL THINK BEN IS BAD BEN. THEY DON’T BELIEVE NOTHING I TELLS THEM. EVEN KIDS CHASE THE BEN AROUND AND SAY HE IS THE GIVER OF THE BAD TOUCH.

Hines: Foll stalter, you terr foll me what is happen on night with supellclazy cowboy woman. Make celtain you not reave out any detairs.

Ben Roethlisberger: OK. IT GO LIKE THIS:

THE BEN IS IN HOTEL TO STAY FOR OFFSEASON GOLF STUFF, RIGHT? THE TV IS DONE BROKE. CANNOT PLAY CALL OF DUTY. KINDA GOING LITTLE BIT CRAZY. I SEE HOTEL LADY. I SAY, “HEY HOTEL LADY. TV IS BROKE. MAKE UNBROKE MY TV ON THE PRONTO.”

SO SHE COME IN ROOM AND PLUG IT IN AND TV WORK AGAIN LIKE MAGIC. THE BEN START PLAYING CALL OF DUTY RIGHT AWAY. BUT I NOTICE COWBOY HOTEL LADY IS STILL IN ROOM, I THINK EXPECTING HER TIP. I SAY, “GO FOR IT, HELP YOURSELF” BECAUSE MY AWESOME VELCRO WALLET IS SITTING ON THE LAMPSTAND.

NOW I IS ONLY PAYING ATTENTION TO CALL OF DUTY BECAUSE I IS PLAYING WITH MAURICE TWO-NAMES, BUT ALL A-SUDDEN IT START GETTING MORE FUN THAN USUAL. IT FEELS VERY GOOD, LIKE THE BEN HAS 20 KILL STREAK, BUT THE BEN DOESN’T HAVE 20 KILL STREAK AT ALL. GOOD FEELING IS ACTUALLY COWBOY LADY WITH HER LIPS ON THE PENISSPOT.

THIS IS A SURPRISE TO THE BEN

Hines: Then what happen?

CALL OF DUTY GAME ENDS AND THERE IS A MINUTE UNTIL THE NEXT ONLINE MATCH LOADS SO I FIGURES I HAS TIME TO TAKE EXPRESS TRAIN TO SEXTOWN. WE DO THAT, THE BEN’S PENISSPOT DUCKS OUT OF THE LADY POCKET JUST IN TIME, THEN SHE GOES TO BATHROOM TO CLEAN HERSELF OR SOMETHING. I GO BACK TO GAME.

LITTLE LATER, WHEN SHE LEAVE, SHE TELL ME TO CALL HER AGAIN. I SAID, “HARF HARF HARF, WHY SHOULD I CALL AGAIN? YOU ALREADY FIX TV”

THIS MAKES CRAZY COWBOY LADY TURN TO ANGRY CRAZY COWBOY LADY. I IS NOT SURE WHAT MAKING HER SO TICKED OFF. SHE FIXED TV, SHE BOARD EXPRESS TRAIN TO SEXTOWN. ALL GOOD STUFF. WHY THE ANGRY?

NOW ONE YEAR LATER SHE SAYING THE BEN PULLED A KOBE.

WHAT IS THE BEN TO DO!? WHAT IS THE BEN TO DO!? FOR LOVE OF CHOCO TACOS, CALL OF DUTY AND HONEY COMBS CEREAL, YOU MUST TELL ME!

Hines: Thele no need to wolly, Rongrastname. Befole you come to Steerels, sevelar yeal in past, a simiral thing is happen to Jelome Bettis. Woman, she make stolee, say he make lape on hel. But we is too smalt foll hel.

It no take numbell one smaltest leceivel to see how to solve plobrem. Look at this, it say clazee cowboy woman farr in rove with fake miritaly man onrine. Arr we must do is make second fake solrdiel to sweep cowgilr off feet and she wirr terr him tluth, say stoly about Rongrastname is ugree, ugree rie. Then, viora, youl name is crean again.

Ben Roethlisberger: CAN WE CALL FAKE SOLIDER CAPTAIN BEN?

Hines: I am think I wirr be handring this.

Ben Roethlisberger: OH, OH – CORPORAL BEN? THAT IS MY RANK IN CALL OF DUTY! ALL MAKES SENSE!

Send in Your Football/Sex Mailbag Questions or This Turtle Will Rape Your Shoe. And believe me, Lil’ Lights Out has been practicing on RapeLay. That shoe’s gonna be too scared to testify.

To stave off the specter of boredom or maybe just to sublimate our own latent rapey urges, the Gay Mafia occasionally engages in hour-long sessions of e-mail-based rape joke bandying. Really works out the dark urges. Yesterday, in what began innocently enough as a discussion of which reader has creeped us out the most at various blogger meet-ups then quickly morphed into a whirlwind brainstorm of how rapists would alter popular board games. Because we’re sick deviants like that. And, being so, we enjoy passing our pathology onto you, the reader. Preferably against your will.

**No rapist’s game shelf would be complete without handcuffs, And, of course, the game of Battlerape!

“You sunk my Rapesub!”

And now there’s Electronic Battlerape! With sound effects!

“D-Rectum? It’s a hit!”

“Beware the submarine — long, hard, etc.”

**A rapist sets up a spy cam in the dressing rooms in Mall Madness.

**They always like a good game of Connect Four Toddlers.

**Rapists naturally love Rape-opoly. Sample Chance card:

“You win first prize in a beauty contest. And then are raped.”

**Every time he captures a country in Risk, he rapes you using methods specific to that nation.

**Rapists love Twister. RIGHT FOOT LEFT LABIA

**Rapists claim Parcheesi is Hindi for “forced entry.”

**When playing Trivial Pursuit, a rapist goes right for the pink triangle.

**Only a rapist will call his scrotum the “Popomatic bubble”

**I’ve found that many rapists love a good game of Chutes and More Chutes.

**Candyland is the #1 game played in their windowless vans.

**Rapists are hard at work developing a new version of Mouse Trap, complete with a cage capable of subduing even the lithest tween.

**rapists adore a good game of TABOO. Guess the word without saying these five clue words!

crime
penetration
violation
bruising
rope

**A rapist will always choose rapist as their profession when playing The Game of Life. Then they rape all the pink and blue stick figures. Then the spin wheel.

**A rapist was the first and last champion of “Win Ben Stein’s Skin and Internal Organs.”

**A classic among rapists: Guess Who…Is Sneaking In Your Bedroom At Night

**Kerplunk is the noise it makes when he takes his dick out of your ass.

**They play Sorry! with kids only AFTER raping them

**Yahtzee is what a rapist screams when he rapes an ESPN anchor

**Rapists win every game of Scene It?: Rape Edition

**Rapists write letters to the makers of Operation demanding they supply them with the missing Penis Bone.

**The rapist version of Jeopardy! The Home Game! has nothing to do with the TV show.

**A rapist loves playing Clue, but it’s the same result every time. Col. Mustard, in the ass, with the candlestick.

**The rapist version of Chinese Checkers involves a confused 12-year-old and some anal beads

**Don’t challenge a rapist in Horny Horny Rapists. He always get more balls.