Matt Millen: There’s a word for what has happened with the Penn State football family. And that word is unconscionable. The actions of Jerry Sandusky were unconscionable, but the fallout has been unconscionable too. The unconscionable firing of Joe Paterno reeked of unconscionability. And that goes double for the students who took to the campus to show their dissatisfaction with vicious, destructive, unconscionable rioting. There are many things in the world that are conscionable and this is not one of them.

Will this forever mar the proud name of Penn State? I shudder to think so, but who knows? It just might. Does that mean that it should? In my opinion, no. This was simply a singular case of repeated abuse that made the entire program culpable through its silence and inaction. Had there been multiple Jerry Sanduskys raping and abusing scores of young boys and possibly pimping them out to donors, then okay. We can begin to maybe open up that line of debate. But that’s not has happened and until it happens, we can’t. Right now, it was only one serial molester. Name a big name program that hasn’t had one of those. You can’t.

It’s a tragic situation, is what it is. I wish there were a way I could make it all go away. You try to tear up all the newspapers reporting on this, but they only print more of ‘em. Then they report on the story on the computers. Now, I can rip a computer in half, no problem. But those bad boys are expensive and I’m not pulling in the GM money that I used to. It’s like there’s just no way to keep this horrible, horrible story from spreading.

I-I just… [Has emotional breakdown on air]

Host: We all know how much this means to you, Matt. This is a proud legacy. Penn State is like family to you.

Host: Now let’s bring in another famous Penn State alum, LaVar Arrington, to weigh in on the issue. LaVar, how have you been coping with the news?

LaVar Arrington: Not well. Not well at all. There’s a lot to process here. First, there was lots of these kids coming forward to say they was touched by this man. That’s sad. I don’t care who you are. That’s sad. This predator is not any man. It’s a man who works, or did work, for Penn State football. That’s personal to me. I played for Penn State football. I still have a connection to Penn State football. If things happen to them that are sad, I become sad by extension. That’s how an emotional extension thing works.

Joe Paterno is gone. The man is a legend. Is, was, will be forever. I played for Joe Paterno. He was like a father figure to me. I say father figure because he is not my actual father but he taught me life lessons in the manner that a father might teach to his real son. Now I’ve lost my father figure. That hurts. The Penn State football program is in disgrace. That hurts. And kids that I don’t know personally but have real feelings were touched. That hurts as well, because I possess empathy. That is sadness on many levels. Compound sadness is what you could call it. So when you ask me questions about whether I am doing well with this news, I say no.

Host: Very emotional take by former Penn State linebacker LaVar Arrington on the recent scandal at his alma mater. Shifting on to the news of -

Matt Millen: If I could add something…

Host: Oh. Sure, Matt. Go ahead.

Matt Millen: I liked what LaVar had to say. Griping, succinct and deeply felt. That he’s a product of the program that shows that Penn State still has a lot to be proud of. Now, I’m going to proceed to cry again on-air and I would appreciate it if you kept the camera on me for the duration of my little jag here. These tears aren’t easy to work up.

LaVar Arrington: I’ve been crying all day, too, Matt. This is a story that touches a lot of people emotionally. I’m emotionally touched.

Matt Millen: I can appreciate that, LaVar. But the public associates me with Penn State football. This is the outpouring they need to move on and heal.

LaVar Arrington: I was an iconic football player for Penn State football. I frequently mention that I played for them, even in a context that strikes people as bizarre and offensive. I got a Penn State coffee mug that I use during my radio show. I don’t even fill it with coffee. I just let it sit there.

Matt Millen: Oh, you frequently mention that you played for Penn State. Isn’t that nice? Have you worked as an announcer for nationally televised NFL games where you gratuitously and constantly pointed out which players went to Penn State? Because I’ve done that. I’ve been doing that since even before you came to State College.

LaVar Arrington: Well, I’m so devastated by this news, I think I’m gonna run out into traffic. Suddenly, I become part of the story. “UPDATE TO THE PENN STATE SCANDAL: LaVar Arrington So Overcome With Grief, He Plays Suicide Frogger On The D.C. Beltway. I-66 Gridlock Is Relatively Unaffected.”

Matt Millen: Not if I beat you out there.

LaVar Arrington: Not a chance, old man.

[Both take off]

Host: Joining us to discuss the recent suicide pact made by former Penn State standouts Matt Millen and LaVar Arrington, made in reaction to the child molestation scandal, is former Penn State linebacker and current Jacksonville Jaguar, Paul Posluszny.

Paul Posluszny: Thanks for having me.

[Pause]

Pretty sad stuff.

It’s a light mailbag this week, folks. Sorry about that; we just didn’t get a whole lot in the way of wild and crazy submissions. But hey, look! Rape Stove! The preferred stove of Lawrence Taylor! Or Ben Roethlisberger! Or some other player accused of rape! Great for baking your 40-pound box of rape!

That makes this whole post worthwhile, right?

No? Ah well. Let’s just get it over with then.

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Tonight at 8, ESPN premieres it’s 30 for 30 documentary about Ricky Williams titled, “Ewok Village and the Time I Wore a Dress On That Magazine Cover”. I’ll have to double check on the that, actually. Anyway, it’s usually anathema for bloggers to praise anything tWWL does, but the doc series has actually been mostly good, so it’ll probably be worth a viewing. I mean, the movie’s got weed, sexual abuse and football. If they make so much as one Simpsons reference, it might as well be about this site.

Everyone who reads this blog knows I’m a huge Steelers homer, so let’s just get that out of the way so as to eliminate the need for 35 commenters to make note of it. As with any scandal involving a famous athlete, there’ve been oil tanker-size loads of stupidity being doled out on the reg in regards to each development of the latest Ben Roethlisberger sexual assault case. I’ve managed to ignore most of it while minimizing my Twitter fights with Mike Florio to a respectable two. However, after Georgia investigators determined they had insufficient evidence to even bring charges against Roethlisberger, the Steelers misguided decision to trade Santonio Holmes for a 5th round pick and yesterday’s subsequent meeting between commissioner Roger Goodell and Big Ben, the retardery ramped up to a height that made my brain bleed. Then I clicked on this fetid pile of word shit and had to jam my typing finger in my cat’s litter box to ease the stench. The only recourse was unleashing the FJM treatment, but the result skewed more toward the shrill than funny. I told the rest of the Gay Mafia that I wasn’t going to post it, but then Drew and flub demanded that I do anyway, because they enjoy seeing me make an ass of myself. So here it is. Be forewarned that massively annoying homerism abounds.

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Ben Roethlisberger will not be charged for the alleged rape that occurred in a Georgia bar last month. You’ll just have to wait until the next time Big Ben rapes for justice to be served. We’ve already heard enough canned analysis from pundits and indignation from everyone else. But what would the reaction be like if we lived in a country that revered its rapists? I think it might go a little something like this:

“Ha! I knew Ben Roethlisberger couldn’t rape. He’s not a real rapist. He’s just a rape manager. Just because he got accused of rape doesn’t make him a rapist. I hate that argument. I mean, even Trent Dilfer got accused of rape once.”

“Ben Roethlisberger only rapes because of his defense. You give me that defense, I could rape anyone. ANYONE. Ben is definitely not an elite rapist. He couldn’t even rape a college girl. OVERRATED RAPIST!”

“Have you seen that guy? Eat another ribwich, fatty. And cut your stupid mullet. A rapist shouldn’t be so chunky. It’s an embarrassment to rape. I could never root for a guy who raped like that.”

“ESPN totally overplays this story because it’s a white quarterback. When a black guy rapes, he has to practically kill for any attention. When the golden boy white quarterback is the one doing the raping, you never hear the end of it. Typical. Jason Campbell could rape five chicks tomorrow and you’d see a paragraph on it. Maybe not even that much. Or they’d try to subtly undermine him by saying he’s a ‘running rapist’. Just because he’s a better athlete doesn’t make him any lesser of a rapist. I’m so tired of this. The media has ruined rape for me.”

The absence of concrete facts in a celebrity scandal is ideal conditions for the idiocy plant to flower into a bumper crop of half-formed thoughts and flimsy speculative arguments. Witness this. And this. AND THIS!!!! Granted, it’s not helping that the bumf*ck authorities in Jawja are taking their sweet tea time in actually interviewing Ben Roethlisberger about the alleged sexual assault.

They may not even get around to talk to Big Ben for a few days. In the meantime, the Southern cops regale us with press conferences that provide no new information about the “pacific allegations regarding Ben Rothenburger”. Well sorry, Chief Gillespie, we can’t wait that long. So we’ve used our considerable contacts and resources to reach out to Big Ben and get his version of what actually went down last Thursday night.

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Or, alternatively: X MARKS THE RAPIST.

Yes, that’s Shawne Merriman with the logo for something called POWERADE ION4 shaved into the side of his head, because who wants Brent Celek to get away with being the biggest guerrilla marketing whore in the NFL? Puhlease. Who’s he ever forced himself on? I mean, besides my mom.

All you future sexual assailants out there better get with this Powerade stuff, especially now that they’re outlawing Joose (the bastards). It promises revitalized, angry sperm.

Rape is certainly no laughing matter, despite the fact that we poke fun at it on a near hourly basis on this blog. But in the real world, it isn’t. That is, unless a woman fabricates a patently ludicrous story of a rape or assault by a celebrity, then that’s a whole ‘nother story. It’s the tender tale of Fake Rape. And it’s the laugh riot of the year. Two such examples cropped up just before this 2009 season got underway. Now that the accused square off on the football field, with nothing on their mind than a little permissible forced entry, we examine the accusers and their lying lies that aren’t true. So, WHO YA GOT?

Our regularly scheduled Monday night live blogification returns, with us streaming to you live vulgarities and inappropriate jokes to bolster your viewing experience of what will undoubtedly be two massive blowouts between divisional foes. First up, you might have seen it scrawled on Bill Simmons’ masturbation journal that the Dreamboat is back (we can’t confirm Simmons’ report that his dick is even tastier now) and Brady’s bringing cuddles (and even more kids!) with him. This should be a doozy. How ever will a Patriots defense gutted of old useless automatons like Mike Vrabel, Tedy Bruschi, Rodney Harrison (who’s still talking trash about Patriots opponents even though he’s a studio analyst now) and Richard Seymour manage to stifle a supersimplified Bills offensive strategy devised by Alex Van Pelt? Surely they cannot hope to try. Lay down your arms, fellas.

Our latter Mike & Mike narrated lop-sided contest features King Philip the Laserfaced GOING ALL PHILIP RIVERS on the Tom Cable’s band of overweight quarterbacks and savagely beaten coaching staff in Raidervania. Will Tila Tequila follow up on her promise to get all the battered women of the world to show up and protest (only to be raped again by Raiders fans)? Let’s hope so!

One of the most important developments in the NFL this off-season was Brad Childress’s decision to grow a beard.  With the simple act of not shaving, he swiftly eliminated one of his biggest criticisms: that he believes in Tarvaris Jackson looks like Gerald McRaney. But not Gerald McRaney in a tough-but-loving Marine officer way. More like Gerald McRaney as the villain in a Lifetime movie. The paleness, the male pattern baldness, the glasses, and most especially the mustache really made you feel like “Childress” was a surname shortened from “children undressing.”

This was Childress last year:

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