Hate restores us. Hate focuses us. Hate keeps us warm at night and spoons us if we so desire it. And no time is hate more powerful – more necessary – than the postseason, when those we despise are so close to getting what they want. I don’t get what I want, so f*ck those guys. There are countless reasons to hate anyone. Some of which you might not be aware. Or been made to realize that they are worthy of scorn. Well, you came to the right place. Allow us to guide you to the darkest recesses of the soul, where the streets run dark green with bile and everyone knows your embarrassing nickname.

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Drew Brees HERPED and DERPED and nearly cost his team the game with Gunslinger-style behind-the-back shovel pass monkeyshines, but all was well because with Michael Turner being mostly useless all night, the Falcons offense couldn’t get anything going. That said, a Breesus victory isn’t quite as life-affirming when the announcers bend over suggestively to apologize for his mistakes, as Jaws did tonight, saying that Brees has “amnesia” and that mistakes, even mind-bogglingly terrible ones, never dog him. Someone will have to remind him tomorrow that he has more than 20 interceptions this season.

I haven’t finished crunching the numbers, but I’m fairly certain TEAM NAME is still in playoff contention, but the other TEAM NAME has been eliminated. Will the NFL have to change division alignment if a 0-0 team qualifies for the postseason?

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The Falcons have to lose out and the Saints have to win out for anyone other than Atlanta to win the NFC South. As everyone knows, the city of New Orleans began its completely real sports-guided road to redemption when the Saints blocked that Falcons punt on the Monday night game in 2006, which is something Dirty Bird fans must never be tired of constantly reliving.

Falcons players themselves seem to be plenty tired of it, as evidenced by Roddy White’s New Orleans diatribe on Twitter last week.

What is it with receivers and blaming God for things? If Atlanta wants a championship, they need some sort of biblical disaster to unfold within city limits. Does “The Walking Dead” count?

Remember, this is the final Monday Night Football broadcast of the season, so savor Jaws’ further devolution into slavering superstar nuthugger and possibly Gruden’s final THIS GUY in the booth, at least until he botches his next head coaching job. Not that this is the final primetime game of the week or anything.

OF COURSE, the first Thursday night game of the year (at least of those broadcast on NFL Network) would be a better match-up than any primetime game from the previous week. For a contest between two teams considered Super Bowl contenders, there’s been remarkably little hype about this game. Maybe that’s because most media know considerable swaths of the country still don’t get NFLN. And though I will never mind having football on more days of the week, I acknowledge that Thursday NFL games might still be weird and unexpected for the more casual, bullshit fans.

I think this game provides pretty compelling storylines, actually. The suspense of who Le’Ron McClain spits on next has consumed my thoughts for days. I bet he does it Tony Gonzalez somehow, and Gonzo freaks out because he detects traces of meat products in his saliva. That crazy macrobiotic vegan!

It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the NFC South, which boasts of being the third most interesting football division to Southerners, behind the two in the SEC.

ATLANTA FALCONS

Key Additions: Dunta Robinson, Jason Heyward (it’s the only way to get Atlanta fans to pay attention)

Key Departures: Tye Hill

Five Fast Facts About The Falcons:
- Matty Ice is following the example of many other 20-somethings and staving off the need to develop into his full potential until at least his 30s.
- Jerious Norwood averaged fewer than five yards per carry for the first time in 2009. An thus the torch was passed to [other lusted over back-up rusher who is perceived to get too few carries].
- Rookie linebacker Bear Woods not only has an awesome name, but he’s this year’s recipient of the Drexl Spivey Award for Best White Dreadlocks. Previous winners include former 49er fullback Zak Keasey.

- Noted do-gooder and macrobiotic dieter Tony Gonzalez last year posed naked for a PETA ad. This year: a promotion for Naked Juice in which he dons animal pelts.
- Second-year tight end Keith Zinger can’t say anything without you thinking he’s insulting you.

Over/Under For 2010: 9 wins

Verdict: OVER

Michael Turner was hurt for a good portion of last season. That and their defense being largely horrendous meant taking a step back from their 11-win season in 2008. Despite starting the season with Michael Jenkins injured and Jonathan Babineaux suspended, I like Atlanta to get back to the 10-win mark in 2010. It also helps that they’re probably be gifted four victories from the Bucs and Panthers.

CAROLINA PANTHERS

Good idea, Jimmy. Get Steve Smith accustomed to hitting you with his fists.

Key Additions: F*ckface Jimmy Clausen

Key Departures: Julius Peppers, Jake Delhomme, Muhsin Muhammad, Maake Kemoeatu, Keydrick Vincent, Hollis Thomas, Brad Hoover

Five Fast Facts About The Panthers:
- With an average age of 25 years and seven days, the Panthers have the third youngest roster in the league, trailing only the 49ers and Packers. Of course, spending five minutes around Clausen will force his teammates to age at triple the regular rate.
- Captain Munnerlyn’s name is bizarrely the only thing that Jon Gruden says that I enjoy. There’s an extra oomph to the enunciation, as if he were pleased that someone has already provided a nickname for him.
- Brandon LaFell sounds the name of the pirate who first invented the plank.
- Wait! Matt Moore was actually mostly competent last year? So Clausen will have to go through a full year of Brady Quinn-like riding the pine until he finally get the opportunity to flame out in Year 2? Ooh, that’s gonna be nice.
- Jon Beason is so good, a Panthers fan actually knows who he is.

Over/Under For 2010: 7.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Yeah, fine, they have a fine tandem of running backs and a pretty good O-line. And Matt Moore did help the team to late season victories over the Vikings and Saints. Of course, those are just the kind of deceptive, nothing-to-lose type victories that mediocre teams use to build unrealistic expectations for themselves the following year. Also, Peter King has the Panthers as his sleeper team, which is as strong an indicator to me that they’re doomed to failure as anything.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

Alex Rodriguez isn’t going to be happy that Drew Brees disfigured Peyton’s centaur ass even before he could get there.

Key Additions: Millions of gallons of oil from BP, free of charge, and yet all they do is bitch about it.

Key Departures: Scott Fujita, Mike Bell, The Gulf of Mexico

Five Fast Facts About The Saints:

- From acclaimed television writer David Simon comes “Treme,” a dramatic retelling of the run-up and immediate response to Hurricane Katrina, as seen by a motley collection of city residents, most of whom are involved in the local music scene.

- From acclaimed novelist Dave Eggers comes “Zeitoun,” the story of a Syrian-born painting collector who decides to remain in New Orleans after the hurricane to protect his property. Using a small canoe, he rescues people stranded by Katrina until he is arrested by government responders and flung headlong into a “vortex of bureaucratic brutality.”

- From acclaimed film director Spike Lee comes “If God Is Willing and da Creek Don’t Rise,” the second documentary from the filmmaker about post-Katrina New Orleans. While the first focused on the immediate aftermath, the newer documentary will examine the recovery process five years after the storm struck, beginning with the Saints Super Bowl victory.

- From acclaimed graphic novelist Josh Neufeld comes “A.D.: New Orleans After the Deluge,” which recounts the survival stories of five individuals who Neufeld encountered while researching the hurricane and its aftermath.

- What? Nothing on the BP spill yet? Damn your slow turnaround time, creative types!

Over/Under For 2010: 10.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

Somehow, improbably, even after winning a championship, the Saints remain a mostly likable team. This is true even as the team’s title as citywide redemption story still gets repeated ad nauseum, as if it’s improved the quality of life of a single person living there. Nevertheless, the Saints put a stop to Peyton Manning in the Super Bowl and are promising to once again mete out swift and extensive punishment to Brett Favre in the NFC Championship Game rematch in a few weeks, so far be from me to rain on the parade of happy feelings.

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

Stylez G. White can dig it.

Key Additions: Gerald McCoy, Keydrick Vincent, Sean Jones

Key Departures: Antonio Bryant, Will Allen, Chris Hovan

Five Fast Facts About The Buccaneers:
- Ah, so this is where former Eagles receiver Reggie Brown went to die.
- The buzz is that Kareem Huggins might beat out Derrick Ward for the backup running back job. How was he able to do that? If it was more than “ask nicely” it was too much.
- Aqid Talib’s Muslim name wants to build a Ground Zero mosque inside your stadium pirate ship. Stop him, crackers!
- Russ Grimm’s son, Cody, is trying to make the team as a safety. As we all know, sons of Hall of Fame linemen are 35 PERCENT MORE LIKELY TO BE CRAZY OBSCURE PLAYERS!
- Safety Corey Lynch used to wear the no. 47 in college and with the Bengals because of his admiration for former Bucs safety John Lynch. Someone just bought himself five extra years to suck in this town.

Over/Under For 2010: 5.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Last season, the Bucs had two players with 600 or more receiving yards. One of them left in free agency. The other one was Kellen Winslow. So unless Arrelious Benn happens to be the biggest steal in the draft, Josh Freeman is going to have a fun time finding a primary target in 2010. Speaking of Freeman, he just broke the thumb on his throwing hand. Oh yeah, their running game isn’t particularly strong either. So, uh, best of luck, Raheem Morris.

Omigod! Matt Ryan doesn’t have any money. Oh, please don’t shoot him, sir! Matt Ryan didn’t mean to make three-tenths of a second’s worth of eye contact! Honest! Here, here’s Matt Ryan’s wallet and watch, now please…j-just go away! Matt Ryan never did anything to you!

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Curse these likable Saints!

You know how I know that New Orleans won’t win the Super Bowl this year? Because it would be way too acceptable to the average viewer. Of all the teams that could possibly contend for a title this year, the Saints are the only one (OTHER THAN MAH STILLERS, A-COURSE!) that I would be perfectly content with them getting a championship.

And the likable team never wins titles. NEVER! Sure, on occasion the MORE likable team will win a Super Bowl (viz. SB XLII) but never an entirely likable one.

Look at ‘em, likable little bastards. Breesus leads the league in likability and skipping passes on water. Even with Jeremy Shockey on the roster, I have a hard time hating them (no small feat). Even knowing a Saints title would force more Archie Manning on my television, I can’t say I would be all that troubled by the overall prospect of it happening. I’ve never had a bad experience with a Saints fan. I mean, I’m sure they’re all raging Cajun dickholes when they get in LSU mode, but for whatever reason, when they don the Saints gear they become halfway tolerable, which is the highest compliment I can pay a fan of a franchise other than my own. Most importantly, of course, the Saints have never won dick, so it’s not like their fans could get all that cocky afterward.

And that’s why the Saints are doomed. DOOMED, I SAY!

TONY GONZALEZ TO THE ATL. The Pro Bowl tight end is dealt to the Falcons for a 2010 second-round pick. Suddenly, the Falcons offense looks that much more dangerous and Matt Cassel looks like he’ll be staring down Dwayne Bowe a little more often. COACH HALEY SAYS YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO DEAL, DICKLICK!

UPDATE: Noted Clinton Portis fetishist Chris Mottram calls the trade “a very-Snyderish deal” by The Falcons. Sure, but only if Atlanta turns around and gives him $50 million guaranteed. And surrenders two more 1st day picks to KC.

If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

The Falcons are the undisputed Cinderella team this year. They are because Nightmare Falcon commands it. The Dolphins are a fine story, but we’ve made a striking about-face in an actually tough division. And they have Joey Porter, so I think you’ll join me in hoping those marine mammals get machine gunned while performing tricks for rotten fish.

However, there are those out there who would test the patience of Nightmare Falcon by pointing out disagreeable aspects of his Cinderella Falcons. These makes Nightmare Falcon lose plumage. Rather than reflexively give you the ol’ talon to the eye, I will calmly and rationally instruct you why you will ignore these things. Lest the talon find your eye socket.

-You will overlook white Falcons fans. Besides being incredibly disloyal, they, along with the media, will heap all the praise on Mike Smith and Matt Ryan for the Falcons playoff run, conveniently ignoring the contributions of Michael Turner, Roddy White and John Abraham. Way to follow the Paula Deen Diet, you fat fucks.

- You will ignore the black Falcons fans. Matt Ryan could win the next eight Super Bowls and they’d still be wearing Ookie jerseys to every game.

- You can pay attention to our Hispanic fan. He’s pretty cool. Say hi, Manuel.

- Speaking of Matt Ryan, do not judge him by his Masshole roots. Or the fact that Patriots fans are now rooting for either the Panthers or the Falcons to win the Super Bowl. Remember we had Joey Harrington last year. That sympathy should still linger.

- You will ignore that our general manager looks like Michael Showalter.

Or you could embrace it. The Baxter was funny. Admit it!

-While you’re at it, go ahead and disregard the entire state of Jawja. We gave you Outkast. Let’s just leave it at that.

What? NO! Who the fuck let Carter in? He’s history’s greatest monster! Fuck, now everyone hates us.

/sharpens talons

Update: Bonus Falcontardery courtest reader Matt T. They’re sure thrilled Matty Ice just won offensive ROY. “He’s the only reason they’re winnin’!”

Okay, you’ve suffered enough of my homerism for one day. Let’s turn our focus to another pivotal divisional matchup laden with playoff implications, as the Bucs, fresh off their humbling at the hands paws of the Panthers, take on the Falcons. Naturally, Jeff Garcia’s date with Matt Ryan will get all the attention, but what of the two receivers responsible for making them look good. WHO YA GOT?

This week, we’re holding the second annual KsK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House, which helps build temp housing for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.