With Mike Shanahan unlikely to qualify for the postseason anytime soon, the next two most red-faced head coaches must vie for supremacy on the big stage. Falcons-Giants is one of those games where a team that is consistently decent but never great goes against a wildly erratic opponent who can one week actually hang with Green Bay until the final whistle and then get plowed by the Redskins the next. So as much as it sucks for tepid Atlanta fans to hear, this game will be decided by which version of this schizophrenic Giants team shows up. Personally, I’d rather we wait a week for the petulant Eli derpface version, for that would at least give the blowout next week in Lambeau a watchable sideshow.

One of the main subplots for pundit yammering today will be whether Matt Ryan can be on a team that happens to win a game in the playoffs for the first time in three career tries. We’re obviously down with unfairly maligning a quarterback by boiling down his team’s shortcomings to his singular crushing failure, but it’s just not as fun to shake the choker stick at Matt Ryan as it was and is to do so at, say, Tony Romo or Peyton Manning. Clearly Matty Ice needs to be featured in more ubiquitous advertising campaigns.

Cherish these moments, friends. For this is the final Monday Night Football of the season. It was a fraught year for the primetime institution, what with sloppy blowout after sloppy blowout, Hank Williams Jr. getting bounced for getting Hitler-y on his rowdy friends and, to top it off, stadium blackouts. Don’t know what we’ll do without you. Maybe Gruden will actually land a coaching job before next season. Probably not, but we try to remain hopeful.

I initially figured that the Falcons have little to play for, having clinched the playoffs last night with a Chicago loss. But upon further investigation, it appears Atlanta can still technically catch the Saints for the NFC South title, longshot though it may be. So they’ll be playing in the Wild Card round regardless, but they could maybe host a game and spoil the Saints’ outside chance at a first-round bye. Ah, the joys of seeding. A shame they’re playing in the Superdome, where New Orleans wins every game by 40. It’s okay, though, because the Falcons have a really awesome conditioning regimen that eliminates injuries forever.

“I’m very confident with what we’ve been doing over the last three and a half years,” said general manager Thomas Dimitroff, who described the methods as semirevolutionary.

Quasi-innovative-esque! No wonder PK loves him.

It’s funny because Mike Smith had a heart attack but lived and is still coaching. Yes, yes, we’re horrible people, but you already knew that. If Smith suffers from any further chest pain, Peter King will interrupt the pointless football fun to breathlessly report that he’s gonna be okay and now back to the pointless football fun.

As part of the new TV deal that the NFL announced this week, the number of Thursday night games that NFL Network will broadcast is set to expand, though no one yet knows by how much. And that’s good. The NFL needs more options besides Monday night to hide all the bad games of the week. Hell, Jacksonville might play their entire schedule on Thursday nights next year.

Tonight’s offering is a rematch of last year’s divisional round playoff game, which the Packers won by roughly 3,000 points. Roddy White said after the loss that he still thought the Falcons were the superior team, which was hilarious then and still is now. But who knows? Maybe Rodgers will get hurt and Matt Flynn will get knocked out and then Atlanta can prevail, thus giving Matt Ryan another Cris Collinsworth-dubbed signature victory, like when the Falcons beat the Eagles after Vick got injured. Anyway, let’s all hope Green Bay can be comfortably ahead in time for the “Breaking Bad” finale at 10.

Under no circumstances will this game not be all about Michael Vick all the time. Which I guess is all right. Worse players to suffocatingly hog the spotlight. Especially when we get tender moments between Ookie and Mr. Home Depot Man.

Really wish they had saved that one for the coin toss. Nothing like hearing an entire dome breaking into a collective BAWWWWWWWWWW.

Most people that have lived in the deep south understand the difficulty that pro football endures in winning over hearts and minds in the Bible Belt. Most so-called “Yankees” could pull their hair out listening to how locals prefer the college game, because the “student-athletes” there play for the love and not at all for the chance to cash in with a big NFL contract in three or four years.

I had a conversation earlier this week with Jay Busbee, noted double-fisting Yahoo! blogger and Atlanta native. He said on the podcast that in terms of overall popularity in the city, Jay puts Georgia football and even Georgia Tech football ahead of the Falcons, depending on how those teams are playing. That seems nuts to me, especially when the ACC seems content to serve as a BCS undercard. You have no reason to be excited about anything when Wake Forest wins your league.

Jay also talked about his new book, Bluff City, which is a crime/humor/thriller tale several years in the making. It’s only $3, which I told him was too cheap. We also chatted with NBA analyst Jackie Taylor, who joined the chorus of pundits talking shtt about LeBron James. It’s more fun than watching the Finals!

If you want to listen to the podcast, you can listen live here, download the MP3, AND/or subscribe on iTunes. Do people still use iTunes? I really have no idea.

The Packers were the most talented NFC team coming into the season. And they’ll probably destroy whoever emerges from tomorrow’s Seattle/Chicago runner-up fest. But let’s give a hand to Atlanta for being so kind as to be the team that occupied the top seed in Green Bay’s stead until being summarily dispatched by the Pack. Good times. We had fun getting to know your unremarkable team these past few months.

And while it will be endlessly funny to see Matt Ryan remain winless in the postseason, it’s a tad poignant that Gonzo has never tasted playoff victory even still in the final flushes of his exemplary career. It’s enough to make a vegan backslide into misery eating. Might I suggest a Matty Melt?

The meat is low grade but the cheese is so braying and obnoxious that you’ll never notice.

In other news, Blank is blank. More flattering light fixtures might take the harsh off your face, Mr. Home Depot Man.

For as much bad blood is flowing in the AFC divisional match-ups, there’s frighteningly little animosity going on in the other conference. Green Bay visited Atlanta earlier this season and got screwed by the lack of review that could have overturned what might have been a decisive play in the game, but there appears to be little bitterness on their part going into the rematch.

Aaron Rodgers got his first playoff win last week in Philly and was greatly aided by James Starks making it seem for a week like the Packers had a viable running game. Meanwhile, Matt Ryan is seeking his first postseason victory. His first postseason appearance ended quickly in 2008 when the Falcons were the first victims of the Buzzsaw Super Bowl charge. No doubt someone who goes by Matty Ice will only be further humbled by gaining success on the big stage.

Hate restores us. Hate focuses us. Hate keeps us warm at night and spoons us if we so desire it. And no time is hate more powerful – more necessary – than the postseason, when those we despise are so close to getting what they want. I don’t get what I want, so f*ck those guys. There are countless reasons to hate anyone. Some of which you might not be aware. Or been made to realize that they are worthy of scorn. Well, you came to the right place. Allow us to guide you to the darkest recesses of the soul, where the streets run dark green with bile and everyone knows your embarrassing nickname.

Pfft. Going to Morehouse doesn’t make you from Atlanta, Sam Jackson. I’ll just have to revert to my default Falcons clip:

It takes a lot to make me ever want the Eagles to win anything (just as soon as Unsilent dubs their fans “unfairly maligned,” those toxic subhuman drooltards went and trashed a Packers fan’s car when the Iggles lost on Sunday). Nevertheless, I was hoping those shitheads would at least advance to the NFC championship to face the Falcons in Atlanta, so we could witness the spectacle of 90 percent of the home crowd rooting on the opposing quarterback. Michael Vick wasn’t even that good with Atlanta, but it’s like the racial inverse of Boston. They’ll love him forever. Matt Ryan could win the next dozen Super Bowls and you’ll still see every jersey in the stands be a 2004 vintage Michael Vick.

Atlanta, by the way, is frequently cited as one of the worst sports cities in America. The Braves had the entire South to themselves for pretty much forever and can barely get anyone to care about them. I think I saw half dozen people get in a tizzy about Jason Heyward last year. Fantastic. The Falcons will never stand a chance unless they’re allowed entry into the SEC. So you could be excused for not being up to speed on what has been going on with the Durrrrty Birds lo these last forty-plus years. A brief summation:

Them sucking. Then sucking some more. Jerry Glanville wearing a bunch of hokey black shit like an even faker version of Johnny Cash. Deion Sanders being good before he left to win titles with other, better teams. Brett Favre being traded away so they could swiftly usher in the Jeff George era. Andre Rison getting his home burned down by Left Eye. That one good season in ’98 where they kept the far more entertaining Vikings team out of the Super Bowl then proceeded to get blown out by the Broncos and have Eugene Robinson arrested for solicitation. Michael Vick being exciting but erratic and eventually jailbound. Bobby Petrino fucking the team over but nobody caring because it’s the Falcons. Matt Ryan being a mediocre shriveldick.

You are now caught up on Falcons history.

It’s a quarterback fluffing league, so it’s not surprising that Matty Ice has received an inordinate amount of credit for this BANNER Falcons season, even though if you take away Michael Turner, the offense goes entirely to shit. The Falcons are 1-3 this season in games where he’s posted fewer than 50 yards. Neutralize him and Ryan forces 30 passes at Roddy White. Annoying aging vegan Tony Gonzalez has finally hit the wall and doesn’t do anything but run five-yard crossing patterns. Kroy Biermann has a stupid name and a reality show whore of a fiancee. Arthur Blank is Vincent Price, only unintentionally creepy. Mike Smith has eclipsed Tom Coughlin in facial ruddiness and he doesn’t even coach a cold weather team. I’ve never been to Atlanta, but the laws of urban planning dictate that if your city has a nice aquarium, it’s almost certainly a shithole. More than a few people have confirmed as much.

But mostly what I hate about the Falcons is that they’re just goddamn boring. Roddy and Brent Grimes are exciting players and John Abraham remains measty, but for the most part their games are plodding affairs. They don’t have any fans to rile up. No compelling narrative in any way, other than me wanting to see that Play 60 team bus commercial end in a fiery wreck. If the league weren’t already intent on destroying itself with an impending lockout, Goodell would have to be shitting himself over the however remote possibility of a Ravens-Falcons Super Bowl. Holy shit would that generate absolutely no buzz whatsoever. ESPN might just start previewing Jets-Patriots games for the 2012 season. Lucky for the Rog this team will get rolled by the Packers, unless Atlanta can keep getting away with not showing replays that would reverse critical 4th down conversions.

Players

Fans

Shermometer

Drew Brees HERPED and DERPED and nearly cost his team the game with Gunslinger-style behind-the-back shovel pass monkeyshines, but all was well because with Michael Turner being mostly useless all night, the Falcons offense couldn’t get anything going. That said, a Breesus victory isn’t quite as life-affirming when the announcers bend over suggestively to apologize for his mistakes, as Jaws did tonight, saying that Brees has “amnesia” and that mistakes, even mind-bogglingly terrible ones, never dog him. Someone will have to remind him tomorrow that he has more than 20 interceptions this season.

I haven’t finished crunching the numbers, but I’m fairly certain TEAM NAME is still in playoff contention, but the other TEAM NAME has been eliminated. Will the NFL have to change division alignment if a 0-0 team qualifies for the postseason?

Hybrid cars, not hybrid fans.

There’s no way Atlanta doesn’t greet Michael Vick with a deafening cheer if the Eagles have to come to the Georgia Dome for the NFC Championship Game. There’s really nothing right about this sign.

Looks like the Falcons cram all the costumed dorky road fans into one conveniently torchable row. They must promise free props from “The Walking Dead” set.

Eminently commendable, however, were the Falcons cheerleader camo outfits. I’d ride those tanks any day!!!!

/is crushed under weight of own awkwardness