Curse these likable Saints!

You know how I know that New Orleans won’t win the Super Bowl this year? Because it would be way too acceptable to the average viewer. Of all the teams that could possibly contend for a title this year, the Saints are the only one (OTHER THAN MAH STILLERS, A-COURSE!) that I would be perfectly content with them getting a championship.

And the likable team never wins titles. NEVER! Sure, on occasion the MORE likable team will win a Super Bowl (viz. SB XLII) but never an entirely likable one.

Look at ‘em, likable little bastards. Breesus leads the league in likability and skipping passes on water. Even with Jeremy Shockey on the roster, I have a hard time hating them (no small feat). Even knowing a Saints title would force more Archie Manning on my television, I can’t say I would be all that troubled by the overall prospect of it happening. I’ve never had a bad experience with a Saints fan. I mean, I’m sure they’re all raging Cajun dickholes when they get in LSU mode, but for whatever reason, when they don the Saints gear they become halfway tolerable, which is the highest compliment I can pay a fan of a franchise other than my own. Most importantly, of course, the Saints have never won dick, so it’s not like their fans could get all that cocky afterward.

And that’s why the Saints are doomed. DOOMED, I SAY!

TONY GONZALEZ TO THE ATL. The Pro Bowl tight end is dealt to the Falcons for a 2010 second-round pick. Suddenly, the Falcons offense looks that much more dangerous and Matt Cassel looks like he’ll be staring down Dwayne Bowe a little more often. COACH HALEY SAYS YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO DEAL, DICKLICK!

UPDATE: Noted Clinton Portis fetishist Chris Mottram calls the trade “a very-Snyderish deal” by The Falcons. Sure, but only if Atlanta turns around and gives him $50 million guaranteed. And surrenders two more 1st day picks to KC.

If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

The Falcons are the undisputed Cinderella team this year. They are because Nightmare Falcon commands it. The Dolphins are a fine story, but we’ve made a striking about-face in an actually tough division. And they have Joey Porter, so I think you’ll join me in hoping those marine mammals get machine gunned while performing tricks for rotten fish.

However, there are those out there who would test the patience of Nightmare Falcon by pointing out disagreeable aspects of his Cinderella Falcons. These makes Nightmare Falcon lose plumage. Rather than reflexively give you the ol’ talon to the eye, I will calmly and rationally instruct you why you will ignore these things. Lest the talon find your eye socket.

-You will overlook white Falcons fans. Besides being incredibly disloyal, they, along with the media, will heap all the praise on Mike Smith and Matt Ryan for the Falcons playoff run, conveniently ignoring the contributions of Michael Turner, Roddy White and John Abraham. Way to follow the Paula Deen Diet, you fat fucks.

- You will ignore the black Falcons fans. Matt Ryan could win the next eight Super Bowls and they’d still be wearing Ookie jerseys to every game.

- You can pay attention to our Hispanic fan. He’s pretty cool. Say hi, Manuel.

- Speaking of Matt Ryan, do not judge him by his Masshole roots. Or the fact that Patriots fans are now rooting for either the Panthers or the Falcons to win the Super Bowl. Remember we had Joey Harrington last year. That sympathy should still linger.

- You will ignore that our general manager looks like Michael Showalter.

Or you could embrace it. The Baxter was funny. Admit it!

-While you’re at it, go ahead and disregard the entire state of Jawja. We gave you Outkast. Let’s just leave it at that.

What? NO! Who the fuck let Carter in? He’s history’s greatest monster! Fuck, now everyone hates us.

/sharpens talons

Update: Bonus Falcontardery courtest reader Matt T. They’re sure thrilled Matty Ice just won offensive ROY. “He’s the only reason they’re winnin’!”

Okay, you’ve suffered enough of my homerism for one day. Let’s turn our focus to another pivotal divisional matchup laden with playoff implications, as the Bucs, fresh off their humbling at the hands paws of the Panthers, take on the Falcons. Naturally, Jeff Garcia’s date with Matt Ryan will get all the attention, but what of the two receivers responsible for making them look good. WHO YA GOT?

This week, we’re holding the second annual KsK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House, which helps build temp housing for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

This Falcon fan has a football for a beak. He’s liable to do anything! His team is in a three-way tie for first place when most people left his team for dead before the season started. It’s a dirty bird no falconer can tame. And he must’ve gotten into Ookie’s stash to come up with something that off the wall.

Here we have Atlanta Falcons’ first-round picks Matt Ryan and Sam Baker enjoying the theater standing uncomfortably at center-stage while the cast of Oklahoma! sings and cavorts about. Hoo boy, awkward doesn’t even begin to describe this scene. These two couldn’t have looked more uncomfortable if they had porcupines in their shorts.

Despite consultation with the media savvy, I’m unable to determine what exactly this video is intended to promote. The Falcons? Rogers & Hammerstein aren’t going to move season tickets. Maybe it is intended to attract patrons of the musical theater? If so, Ryan and Baker have to qualify as the worst Curly and Laurey ever. (What, no kiss? This is supposed to be a wedding scene.) Furthermore how is serenading someone with the Oklahoma state song supposed to welcome them to Atlanta? This video is giving me tiredhead.

“C’mon Ryan, is this what we’ve worked on all week? From the top. One, two… step, slide… heel ball change. And Baker, you call that a promenade? We’re going to be here as long as it takes, people! Don’t forget your jazz hands!”

Despite his early progress in learning the Falcons offense during OTAs this month, Matt Ryan has given virtually no attention to his tendency to face the wrong way during press conferences.