With Mike Shanahan unlikely to qualify for the postseason anytime soon, the next two most red-faced head coaches must vie for supremacy on the big stage. Falcons-Giants is one of those games where a team that is consistently decent but never great goes against a wildly erratic opponent who can one week actually hang with Green Bay until the final whistle and then get plowed by the Redskins the next. So as much as it sucks for tepid Atlanta fans to hear, this game will be decided by which version of this schizophrenic Giants team shows up. Personally, I’d rather we wait a week for the petulant Eli derpface version, for that would at least give the blowout next week in Lambeau a watchable sideshow.

One of the main subplots for pundit yammering today will be whether Matt Ryan can be on a team that happens to win a game in the playoffs for the first time in three career tries. We’re obviously down with unfairly maligning a quarterback by boiling down his team’s shortcomings to his singular crushing failure, but it’s just not as fun to shake the choker stick at Matt Ryan as it was and is to do so at, say, Tony Romo or Peyton Manning. Clearly Matty Ice needs to be featured in more ubiquitous advertising campaigns.

Cherish these moments, friends. For this is the final Monday Night Football of the season. It was a fraught year for the primetime institution, what with sloppy blowout after sloppy blowout, Hank Williams Jr. getting bounced for getting Hitler-y on his rowdy friends and, to top it off, stadium blackouts. Don’t know what we’ll do without you. Maybe Gruden will actually land a coaching job before next season. Probably not, but we try to remain hopeful.

I initially figured that the Falcons have little to play for, having clinched the playoffs last night with a Chicago loss. But upon further investigation, it appears Atlanta can still technically catch the Saints for the NFC South title, longshot though it may be. So they’ll be playing in the Wild Card round regardless, but they could maybe host a game and spoil the Saints’ outside chance at a first-round bye. Ah, the joys of seeding. A shame they’re playing in the Superdome, where New Orleans wins every game by 40. It’s okay, though, because the Falcons have a really awesome conditioning regimen that eliminates injuries forever.

“I’m very confident with what we’ve been doing over the last three and a half years,” said general manager Thomas Dimitroff, who described the methods as semirevolutionary.

Quasi-innovative-esque! No wonder PK loves him.

It’s funny because Mike Smith had a heart attack but lived and is still coaching. Yes, yes, we’re horrible people, but you already knew that. If Smith suffers from any further chest pain, Peter King will interrupt the pointless football fun to breathlessly report that he’s gonna be okay and now back to the pointless football fun.

As part of the new TV deal that the NFL announced this week, the number of Thursday night games that NFL Network will broadcast is set to expand, though no one yet knows by how much. And that’s good. The NFL needs more options besides Monday night to hide all the bad games of the week. Hell, Jacksonville might play their entire schedule on Thursday nights next year.

Tonight’s offering is a rematch of last year’s divisional round playoff game, which the Packers won by roughly 3,000 points. Roddy White said after the loss that he still thought the Falcons were the superior team, which was hilarious then and still is now. But who knows? Maybe Rodgers will get hurt and Matt Flynn will get knocked out and then Atlanta can prevail, thus giving Matt Ryan another Cris Collinsworth-dubbed signature victory, like when the Falcons beat the Eagles after Vick got injured. Anyway, let’s all hope Green Bay can be comfortably ahead in time for the “Breaking Bad” finale at 10.

Under no circumstances will this game not be all about Michael Vick all the time. Which I guess is all right. Worse players to suffocatingly hog the spotlight. Especially when we get tender moments between Ookie and Mr. Home Depot Man.

Really wish they had saved that one for the coin toss. Nothing like hearing an entire dome breaking into a collective BAWWWWWWWWWW.

Most people that have lived in the deep south understand the difficulty that pro football endures in winning over hearts and minds in the Bible Belt. Most so-called “Yankees” could pull their hair out listening to how locals prefer the college game, because the “student-athletes” there play for the love and not at all for the chance to cash in with a big NFL contract in three or four years.

I had a conversation earlier this week with Jay Busbee, noted double-fisting Yahoo! blogger and Atlanta native. He said on the podcast that in terms of overall popularity in the city, Jay puts Georgia football and even Georgia Tech football ahead of the Falcons, depending on how those teams are playing. That seems nuts to me, especially when the ACC seems content to serve as a BCS undercard. You have no reason to be excited about anything when Wake Forest wins your league.

Jay also talked about his new book, Bluff City, which is a crime/humor/thriller tale several years in the making. It’s only $3, which I told him was too cheap. We also chatted with NBA analyst Jackie Taylor, who joined the chorus of pundits talking shtt about LeBron James. It’s more fun than watching the Finals!

If you want to listen to the podcast, you can listen live here, download the MP3, AND/or subscribe on iTunes. Do people still use iTunes? I really have no idea.

The Packers were the most talented NFC team coming into the season. And they’ll probably destroy whoever emerges from tomorrow’s Seattle/Chicago runner-up fest. But let’s give a hand to Atlanta for being so kind as to be the team that occupied the top seed in Green Bay’s stead until being summarily dispatched by the Pack. Good times. We had fun getting to know your unremarkable team these past few months.

And while it will be endlessly funny to see Matt Ryan remain winless in the postseason, it’s a tad poignant that Gonzo has never tasted playoff victory even still in the final flushes of his exemplary career. It’s enough to make a vegan backslide into misery eating. Might I suggest a Matty Melt?

The meat is low grade but the cheese is so braying and obnoxious that you’ll never notice.

In other news, Blank is blank. More flattering light fixtures might take the harsh off your face, Mr. Home Depot Man.

For as much bad blood is flowing in the AFC divisional match-ups, there’s frighteningly little animosity going on in the other conference. Green Bay visited Atlanta earlier this season and got screwed by the lack of review that could have overturned what might have been a decisive play in the game, but there appears to be little bitterness on their part going into the rematch.

Aaron Rodgers got his first playoff win last week in Philly and was greatly aided by James Starks making it seem for a week like the Packers had a viable running game. Meanwhile, Matt Ryan is seeking his first postseason victory. His first postseason appearance ended quickly in 2008 when the Falcons were the first victims of the Buzzsaw Super Bowl charge. No doubt someone who goes by Matty Ice will only be further humbled by gaining success on the big stage.

Hate restores us. Hate focuses us. Hate keeps us warm at night and spoons us if we so desire it. And no time is hate more powerful – more necessary – than the postseason, when those we despise are so close to getting what they want. I don’t get what I want, so f*ck those guys. There are countless reasons to hate anyone. Some of which you might not be aware. Or been made to realize that they are worthy of scorn. Well, you came to the right place. Allow us to guide you to the darkest recesses of the soul, where the streets run dark green with bile and everyone knows your embarrassing nickname.

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Drew Brees HERPED and DERPED and nearly cost his team the game with Gunslinger-style behind-the-back shovel pass monkeyshines, but all was well because with Michael Turner being mostly useless all night, the Falcons offense couldn’t get anything going. That said, a Breesus victory isn’t quite as life-affirming when the announcers bend over suggestively to apologize for his mistakes, as Jaws did tonight, saying that Brees has “amnesia” and that mistakes, even mind-bogglingly terrible ones, never dog him. Someone will have to remind him tomorrow that he has more than 20 interceptions this season.

I haven’t finished crunching the numbers, but I’m fairly certain TEAM NAME is still in playoff contention, but the other TEAM NAME has been eliminated. Will the NFL have to change division alignment if a 0-0 team qualifies for the postseason?

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