Jay Cutler, ever the font of priggish wisdom, has agreed to lend an ear to some readers’ most pressing problems.

About a year ago I stumbled upon this hidden folder on my husband’s computer featuring pictures of amputees having sex with each other. All of the pictures featured sexual scenes where the stump figured prominently in the interaction and there were at least close to a hundred of them. Okay, perhaps stumbled was wrong because admittedly I was prying, as his behavior has made me a little suspicious of late. This discovery has really freaked me out. He’d been volunteering at the VA hospital for the last year and what before seemed like a really selfless act now comes off as a fulfillment of a sick fetish. I find it hard to be intimate with him knowing what is really going on in his mind. Is there a way I can discuss this with him without losing his trust?

-Severed Connection

Your husband is weird.

I followed with great interest the recent news that you had been diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. I myself suffer from the same condition. I’m on a fixed income so dealing with it is a real challenge. I spend about $115 a month on insulin and that accounts for about 15 percent of my income. Sometimes I have to cut my dosage from week to week to make sure I make it to the next paycheck. I know the risks, but it’s something I’ve learned to monitor and live with. Certainly someone of your status has been exposed to effective strategies and low-cost programs for dealing with the disorder. Any help would be greatly appreciated. And Go Broncos!

-Struggling with diabeing

Get more money.

Jay, this is your mother. Why haven’t you called? Yesterday was Mother’s Day, in case you forgot. And not just in humdrum Santa Claus, Indiana. Your father took me to a lovely brunch at the Holiday Inn and snuck out a few extra biscuits like old times. You loved those biscuits so, Jay. I know you didn’t like it when we made the big scene at that game last year, but it’s only because we were so overcome with emotion watching you play. You know how your father gets. Anyway, please give me a call. Because I’m your mother and I worry. You’ll never be too old for me. And I know you want these biscuits. Judging from photos, you are about due for dad to cut your hair again. WRITE SOON!

-Mama Cutler

Biscuits!

Jay Cutler, ever the font of priggish wisdom, has agreed to lend an ear to some readers’ most pressing problems.

My mother died late last year. My father, who just retired 10 months ago, is now at loose ends. He was always really committed to work so he wasn’t sure what to do with himself once he stopped with his job. My parents had a lot of travel plans set up together, but he’s not going to follow through on those alone. And I don’t think he’s ready to start dating again. I really don’t want to have him moping around the house, but it’s hard for me to keep him company. My brother has a much closer bond with my dad but he moved across the country for work years ago. I’m close by but I still find it difficult to relate to him. I don’t want him to be lonely but what can I do to help if we always feel like strangers to one another?

-Conflicted in Charlotte

I don’t know.

I told my parents I’m inviting my new boyfriend over for Passover. They’re very excited about meeting them, as we’ve been dating for some time, but they don’t know he’s not Jewish. They’ve always pressured me to marry someone who is Jewish and I feel like I’m making a mistake by making this revelation during such an important holiday. The thing is, we’ve already made plans to move in together. I know I should have said something earlier, but I’ve never agreed with their position and they’ve never given any indication that they are going to stray from it.

-So Hard to Jews

That sucks.

I’ve been happily married for eight years. My wife and I have sex once or twice a week. But I have a serious problem: I’m addicted to pornography.

I keep a stash of porn in a drawer at work. Three times a week, my lunch hour is spent jerking off in the handicapped stall of a public restroom. And that’s only the beginning. I have a fetish for shit. An ideal experience for me is to save up my bowel movement until my lunch hour, go to my favorite restroom, and time it just right so that I empty my bowels right before the moment of ejaculation. An extra bonus is if someone arrives at one of the other stalls and takes a shit. The sound and smell of it excites me even more (I am definitely not gay). And once the person leaves, I finish with a head-shattering orgasm.

After a really good one, I sometimes smear my shit on the walls of the stall. I feel very disgusted afterward. I’m not hurting anyone, but this seems wrong. Should I talk to someone?

-Jackin’ It in Jackson

Jesus. It’s always something with you people.

Thanks Jay!