Jill T., Bethesda: Hi, Joe! Joe, what did you think about the Steelers guaranteeing a victory over the Patriots and then losing so badly? Do you think these lame guarantees devalue your guarantee way back when?

Drunken Joe Namath: Well, Jill, I’ll tell you. History has that story all wrong. Hold on just a moment. My bourbon glass is only three-quarters full. (fills rest of glass) AH! THERE! Now THAT is a way to spend a morning! Anyway Jill, legend goes I guaranteed a win over the Colts. But that’s not true. What I guaranteed was that I would make Ann-Margaret a real woman that night! And I did! And I’ll do the same for you, Jill. It doesn’t matter if you’re under 18. LEGENDS GET A FREE PASS ON YOUNG ASS! I feel great! Who wants to split a Scorpion bowl?!

Mary J., Brooklyn: We love ya, Joe! Joe, what do you think of Eli Manning and my Giants? Do they have what it takes to go far in the playoffs?

Namath: Well, Mary, I tell you this: that Peyton Manning is one heckuva good quarterback! He’s got the heart of a LION! Say Mary, you sound like quite a saucy little minx. Why don’t you meet me at the Holiday Inn just down the street? Ask for Frank Pentangeli. That’s my code name. They’ll escort you to Room 306 right away. That’s my lucky room! THEY HAVE FREE ICE!

Donna K., Boston: Joe, will the pressure mounting on the unbeaten Patriots cost them in the playoff?

Namath: The playoffs? The Patriots? With Jim Plunkett quarterbackeeng that team? Ho ho ho, Donna! I think not! Tell ya what, sweetheart. Why don’t you come on over and you and I can figure out a fun way of ignoring the Pats’ struggggggles. God, it’s so hot in here! (unbuttons top button on shirt). I’VE NEVER FELT SO TAN!

Beth R., Queens: WE LOVE YOU, JOE!

Namath: And I love you! You gave me goosebumps, Beth. Look at those goosebumps! I can’t keep ‘em down! (drinks jar of Barbicide)

Jane R., Indianapolis: Joe, don’t you think the Colts deserve a bit more credit for their recent play. They’ve dominated, my man!

Namath: It’s true, Jane! Those Colts are outstandeeng at playeeng both on offense and defense. I’m sorry, but did anyone tell you your name reminded them of Jane Fonda? I tell ya, that Hanoi Jane sure knew how to party! When that girl wasn’t sitteeng on tanks, she was sitteeng on other large objects! WHO WANTS A CIGAR?!

Betty H., KC: Joe, what about the Dolphins? They got killed yesterday! Will they ever win a game?

Namath: Will they ever win a game? Lemme tell you sometheeng, Betty Boop! That Don Shula is one heckuva leeeeeeeeader! He’s gonna win a lot of games for you down in Miamee. YOU CAN BET ON IT! Betty, my dear, you got a sexy way of typeeng. How about you join me out on the veranda? I’ve got a bottle of Prosecco on ice and notheeng but free time! My lounges have very thick cushions!

Judy B., Arlington: Joe! Help my Redskins! Should Gibbs stay or go?!

Namath: That’s a tough question, Judy. I’m gonna have to think about that one. (drinks bottle of kerosene) AH! Nectar of the Gods! Judy, lemme tell you about the time I bagged Judy Garland! It was one of her very last tours, and she was a lonely, lonely, woman! But when ol’ Joe took her in his arms, she knew she was in for a special night! Even today, I bet there are still some little Joes floateeng around in her Kansas Twister. WHO WANTS A SHRIMP COCKTAIL! I LOVE RETIREMENT MORE THAN I LOVE MY CHILDREN!

Jenny Q., Las Vegas: Joe, who do you like to come out of the NFC? Dallas is dominating, but the Packers and Seahawks look strong too!

Namath: Jenny, that NFCeeeee is one wild conference! Boy, I tell ya, it’s like the ol’ West out there! And I love how that Brett Favre plays the game. Say Jenny, you’re from Vegas, eh? You must know a lot about discretion. Lemme tell you what Joe Namath really likes. He likes watcheeng women “handle” themselves! I admit it! Kinda crazy! But sitting back with a bloody bull and watcheeng a beautiful girl play her pussy harp is one great way to spend a night? LET’S HIT THE FLAMINGO! I know one of the dealers there. Brown fellow. Always gives me a fair shake!

Jimmy D., Malibu: Hey Joe, I was wondering…

Namath: Next question.

Jenna S., Sarasota: Joe! How about some love for the Bucs!

Namath: Oooh! If you need love, Jenna, ol’ Joe’s here to give it to ya! Why don’t you and I have another drink together? Do you like gin? I LOVE GIN! Is that a karaoke machine? Let’s hit it!

I’ve had the time of my life…
No, I’ve never felt this way before…
Yes, I swear…
It’s the truth…
And I owe it all to you!!!!!

I FEEL GREAT! LET’S PLAY HEARTS! I WANNA KISS EVERYONE!

Bob T., Bethesda: Hi Mike, I’m a big fan. I just wanted to get your most recent thoughts on Sean Taylor’s death. Has your perspective changed at all in recent days?

Michael Wilbon: What a stupid question. I’m a journalist, okay? I stand by what I wrote. Is his death sad? Yes. Did it surprise me? Not in the least. Not any aspect of it at all. Not even the time it occurred, which was early morning. Now I knew Sean a little bit. Not a lot. Just a little bit. And I can tell you, that bad elements WERE a part of his life at some point. Maybe not anymore. But they were there. So don’t bring that junk about me having to change my perspective. Okay?

Mary J., Brooklyn: Hi, Mike! What’s your reaction to the Yankees’ resigning Alex Rodriguez?

Wilbon: What a stupid question. I don’t care about A-Rod. Do you care about A-Rod? Because I don’t. We already talked about A-Rod on PTI today, okay? We’ve talked about it on PTI for two weeks, specifically because I don’t care about it. So don’t bring that junk in here. Am I in awe of his new contract? Yes. Am I surprised the Yankees would be dumb enough to give it to him? Not in the least. Now, I know Alex a little bit. Not a lot. But we’ve spent SOME time together. And this is not out of the ordinary. Why aren’t we talking about Marion Jones? Now THAT is a story!

Roy K., Boston: Michael, what is your opinion on the Patriots? Do you think they can go undefeated?

Wilbon: What a stupid question. I don’t know if they can go undefeated unless they GO undefeated, okay? Is their record impressive right now? Yes. Would I be surprised if they lost? Not in the least. Now I know Bill Belichick a little bit. Not a lot. Just a little. We’ve hung out at a few… gentlemen’s establishments. He knows how hard it is to go undefeated, okay? So don’t bring that undefeated talk in here. It’s just a bunch of junk. You don’t know. I don’t know. But would I be surprised if they went 19-0? Not in the least. Knucklehead.

Frank R., Indianapolis: Michael, I just heard Charles Barkley on the radio saying the Redskins are racist for memorializing Sean Taylor in a parking spot. Doesn’t he understand that was his defensive player of the month spot?

Wilbon: What a stupid question. Charles is crazy, okay? You can’t listen to anything he says. Charles is a good friend of mine, okay? He’s a good good good good friend. Am I surprised he said something like that? Not in the least. That’s what he does. So don’t come in here bringing that junk about Charles being crazy. He’s supposed to be crazy!

Dave H., KC: Michael, how about that Kim Kardashian! Is she hot or what?! Badonka-DUNK!!!

Wilbon: Oooh, Kim! Yeah, I like that!

Shannon B., Arlington: Hey Michael, who do you think the Skins will look at in the draft?

Wilbon: What a stupid question. IT’S THE SEASON, OKAY? I hate the draft! Do you really expect me to talk to you about what you want to talk about? That’s not why I’m here, okay? I want to talk about the Wizards. Have you even seen the Wizards play yet? I bet you haven’t. I bet you were too busy watching your precious Redskins. See, that’s my problem with this town. They aren’t focused on the things I would like them to focus on. And that bothers me. And I don’t want to say they have an aversion to prominent black athletes, but they may have an aversion to prominent black athletes. Now, I know Gilbert Arenas a little bit. Not a lot. Just a little. But I bet he comes back firing on all cylinders. Does that answer your question, jackass?

Dan Q., Las Vegas: Michael, I was wondering what you thought about the upcoming OJ Simpson…

Wilbon: What a stupid question. NEXT!

Jimmy D., Malibu: HOLY SHIT! A fucking spaceship just landed outside my window! It’s all over the news! My God, it extends to the fucking horizon! I’ve never seen anything like it! It’s First Contact! Can you fucking believe this?!!

Wilbon: What a stupid question. Of course I believe it. Have we ever encountered intelligent life from other systems? No. Am I surprised they would land today, right outside your kitchen window? Not in the least. Were you really arrogant enough to assume we were the only lifeform in the universe when life on Earth grows in so many diverse places, and often in hostile environments? Why would anyone be surprised? Now, I know the chief of the Naval Observatory a little bit. Not a lot. Just a little. Said it was a matter of time that something like this would happen. So don’t bring that junk in here about how all amazed you are. Knucklehead.

Gary S., Seattle: AHHHHH!!!!!! ALIENS HAVE ATTACKED MY HOUSE!!! MY WIFE WAS JUST COMPLETELY INCINERATED BY SOME SORT OF DEATH RAY!!! OMIGOD! THESE ALIENS MEAN FUCKING BUSINESS! GREAT FUCKING FLAMING TESTICLES! WHAT DO WE DO?!!!

Wilbon: What a stupid question. You have no clue as to the background of any of these aliens, yet you automatically categorize them as thugs. It’s not right, okay? It’s only cute when I do it. Am I surprised that aliens possess a death ray that can eliminate all physical matter? Not in the least. But let’s not paint all invading aliens with the same brush, okay? This isn’t a blog. Let’s hold off on the speculation on this until all the information is in.

DAROJIX 97, THE LIGHTRON NEBULA: Greetings, Earthling. We have come to enslave you and make you build us a new intergalactic base for our fleet of FittuCrafts. If you do not accept our demands, we will destroy every last one of you. What say you to this request?

Wilbon: What a stupid question. I’m a BLACK man, okay? Don’t bring that slave junk in here. I’m not gonna tolerate that. Now, am I surprised aliens would try and enslave me via a web chat? Not in the least. Tiger Woods and I talked about that possibility just last week. Now I know Tiger a little bit. I consider him a friend. But I am no man’s slave. And I hate “Seinfeld”. I really, really, really fucking hate it.

Jane P., New York: Why did you agree to a chat if you’re just gonna treat us all like we’re drooling idiots?

Wilbon: What a stupid question. I am here to EDUCATE you, okay? NEXT!

Tom S., Chicago: Mike, how do you think the Cubbies will do this year? GO CUBS! WOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Wilbon: Now THAT is a good question.

Fred T., Dallas: Mike, who’s more NOW: Tiger or Federer?

Wilbon: Another good question! There’s hope for you people after all.