Look at that insouciant air of contentment. And that was taken last year, before I won my Super Bowl ring. Yeah, I totally earned it. I wear it on the sidelines, even when I pretend like I’m warming up. Peyton smirks at it disdainfully after he throws a TD pass, but I like it just fine. He can’t break my stride, because, well, I sit, mostly.

But it all got so much better. Yes, folks they just added a new lane to Easy Street — Jim Sorgi got himself an extension.

What’s that, Matt Cassel? YOU’RE still in your original contract? YOU still haven’t won a ring? YOUR douchey fans are angry at you for throwing garbage time picks against the Dolphins when the Pats are already up by 40 points?

Oh sure, you ran for your “Eff You TD” against the Redskins. I’m pretty sure Mickey from Natick scored in that game, too. Well, I had my first two pass attempts of the season Sunday against the Panthers. And I completed one of them! My 62.9 passer rating scoffs at your meager 19.2.

And you call yourself a backup.

If Brady goes down, you’re a total liability. Me? I’m like the tiny nuke backing up America’s 50,000 other nukes.

Sunday, you and me. It’ll probably be close so neither of us will actually get in the game. How’s about this: the first one of us kicked off the bench because a lineman wants to sit down loses. The Colts love them some Sorgi, especially when they hide my car keys and kick me in the knees. You’re just another cog of Belichick’s machine. I’m like those extra parts you get with IKEA furniture, y’know, in the really nice plastic baggy?

But with a RING.

October 19, 2007

Dear Diary,

Can you believe that Ashley just tried to have sex with me?

YUCK!

Like I told her on our wedding night, only one woman touches Pey-Pey and her name is Mom. I have sex with my wife the same way I have sex with you Mr. Diary, by busting a perfectly straight line down the spine. I’ve got control like Julia Child with a pastry bag, once a year I even write Happy Birthday on her back (I can’t get full release when those boobs are bouncing all over the place). But seriously, she should know better by now; sex with women is number three on my list of fears behind Hillary Clinton and ghost dads.

Here’s a list of5 things I’d do before putting Pey-Pey inside of a woman’s kitty cat…

1. Have gay relations with a cute little country music star
2. Defer any credit to Jim Caldwell
3. Quit acting
4. Call a real audible
5. Beat Florida

I don’t see what more she could possibly want from me. One time I even let her get a glimpse of Pey-Pey and the twins. That was the first time I conducted a public viewing since the thing with the whorish trainer at UT.

Gotta run to practice…big game on Monday Night! TTYL!