I’ve been saving the gay draft for a rainy day. And, since it’s rained for 3,490 consecutive days now, it seems like it’s about time. I’m assuming many of you will elect to not participate in this draft, and that’s okay. Because the reason I’m posting the gay draft today is to tell you this story:

I had a friend in college named Jon who, without fail, would get drunk and ask people annoying question after annoying question.

JON: Hey Drew, would you rather fuck your mom, or have your pubes ripped out?

ME: Uh, neither.

JON: No! You have to pick one!

ME: No, I don’t.

He was like a walking version of “The Book Of Questions,” which was the most annoying book ever published. He’d also spring this one:

JON: Hey Drew, would you suck a black dick?

ME: No.

JON: Why are you so racist?

Anyway, I was on a train once with him and two other friends. And he pops this one on us.

“If you HAD to fuck a guy, who would it be? Honest.”

Now, Jon never willingly answered any of his fucking questions, at least not first. And Lord knows there have been enough times in this world where some guy has purposely tried to annoy some other guy by asking that exact question. He threw the question around the horn. I said there was no way I was answering before him. Same with my other friend. Then we got to our friend Damon (not his real name).

DAMON: I’m not answering that.

JON: You have to! Don’t be such a fag!

DAMON: Okay, fine. Larry Mullen Jr.

There are a few rare moments in life where I feel like I’m going to laugh until I fucking collapse, and this was one of them. For real, who the fuck pulls out Larry Mullen Jr. when that question is asked? I think he had settled on that answer ages before someone had asked him it. After that, we played U2 on every jukebox we could find when Damon was around. I think someone also made him a Larry Mullen Jr. collage. The lesson, of course, is to never answer that question. And certainly, to never give it the level of thought that Damon did.

That said, IF YOU HAD TO FUCK A GUY, WHO WOULD IT BE?

The rules: Pick someone of your own gender to bang. Living or dead. You can either pitch or catch. You have to bang them, or else you get killed. BY RAPE! Either way, you die gay! Please wait 10 picks to choose again (like you’ll choose again, if at all). I don’t expect anything remotely resembling sincere answers here. But I’m gonna jump in the pool and give it some real thought anyway. My pick? David Geffen. Richest known gay man on the planet. He’s worth $6.5 billion. If I’m gonna suck a dick, I better be well compensated for it. I’ll be your pool boy, buddy. What do you think, Pete Townshend?