Perhaps you’re new to KSK this season, and you think that now that the Super Bowl is over, we merry pranksters fold up our tent and move back to Carnytown for spring and summer. WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG.

As always, our motto at KSK is that football season may be over, BUT DICK JOKE SEASON IS ALL YEAR ROUND. We’re not going anywhere. Except for flubby, who’s going to a Buddhist temple for some much-needed spiritual lofting. We’re here all offseason. All horrible, miserable, terrible offseason. God, it’s just so shitty and abysmal I WANT TO KILL MYSELF AND LEAVE NO NOTE. Anyway, stick around in the coming months for…

-More Fun with Peter King!

-More Rex Ryan!

-More Thursday sex mailbag sexiness!

-The return of KSK mock drafts!

-The return of THIS WEEK IN FUCK YOU

-The return of KILL KILL KILL, in which we watch animals kill one another to satisfy our unending bloodlust.

-The possible end of Marvin and Ocho!

-Angry screeds against the owners if those fuckfaces lock the players out!

-More podcasts!

-More Sexy Friday!

-Drew whoring his second book!

-CANDY!

-ELEPHANTS!

-CHEAP JOKES ABOUT GAYS WE’LL PROBABLY END UP REGRETTING LATER ON!

And of course, the return of the sultry wild card that is KSK Off Topic. Who can forget last offseason, when that Latino man tried to touch my peepee?

Let’s face it. This site is barely about football as is. No matter what time of year, we’re just gonna keep on keepin’ on. So join us, won’t you? It’s gonna be a fingerblast.

Well, KSK’s vacation week is finally at an end. We couldn’t let you go for the holiday without giving you a little something sexy to send you on your way. And I have a special announcement for those that give a crap. Starting on Monday, I’ll now be posting over at Deadspin on a daily basis. Joy of joys. Have a good 4th, everyone. Drive safely.

More boner-related salutes after the jump.

Anyway, what the fuck are the 49ers doing laying five and a half points? I don’t care if that’s against Seattle, it’s gotta be a joke.

Tomorrow night marks the beginning of another glorious season of sweet, sweet life-superseding NFL action. It also marks the first of our weekly live blogs. Because the rest of KSK is too busy tending to their brood or, in the case of Maj, watching their team go down the shitter a few days before everyone else’s, it’ll just be me and whatever other panelists I can cobble together beforehand. We’ll be starting at 6:45. Should be fun, by which I mean a huge clusterfuck that I’ll have to purge from my memory with drink.

Thanks to our readers for heeding our pleas for running up the vote total. We conquered, then we conquered a little more, then we let this guy go after their tattered remains.

KSK finished with more than 50 percent of the vote. No doubt seeing in us a great example of how to run a pledge drive, NPR yesterday cited Drew for the coinage of the Purple Jesus moniker. Yet it’s Mottram who’s making coin on his Horse Balls and Purple Jesus shirts. Hey, we should be the ones soaking Drew’s talents for cash. Step off, Blogfather.

To our rivals, thanks for participating. We’ve got a fine parting gift for you.

You’re in luck. It could’ve been New England-style fish assholes. They come with Sully sauce.

credit oomsa for fishhole pic

UPDATE (9/6): This is the latest group. ID#: 27548, pw(latelate). Remember, one entry per person. Thanks for playing.

A quick announcement:

KSK will be running a suicide pool for the 2007 season. If you’re interested, we’d like you to get in on it. Here’s the information:

Click here.

Here’s our Group ID# (1510) and the Password (gargargargar).

If you’ve never done a NFL suicide pool before, you pick one team per week. If your team wins, you advance to the next week. If your team loses, stick a fork in your ass, because you’re done. Oh, and you can only pick a team to win once. That bit is crucial.

This particular group only holds 50 people. Once it fills up, we’ll open another group, and so on, until everyone that wants to get in, gets in. There’s plenty of room on this crazy train, but, for fuck’s sake, one entry to a person. We will post a comprehensive leaderboard of the survivors when the pack gets whittled down to 30.

We will do something special for anyone that survives the entire season. We don’t know what that will be yet, so don’t ask. The updates for new groups will be made in this space, so check back if you don’t get into the first group.

UPDATE: Group 2 is up. Same link, ID#: 3858, pw(jeangray). Sorry that took so long; I just woke up.

UPDATE: Group 3 is up now, too. Same link, ID#: 3877, pw(majofhonor).

UPDATE: Group 4 is up. Same link, ID#: 3920, pw(donthasseltheuf).

UPDATE: Group V is up. Same link, ID#: 3939, pw(daddydrewblood).

UPDATE: Group 6 is up. Same link, ID#: 3975, pw(falcocrest).

UPDATE: Group 7 is up. Same link, ID#: 4023, pw(ifuckmules).

UPDATE: Group 8 is up. Same link, ID#: 4028, pw(scottvanpelt).

UPDATE: Group 9 is up. Same link, ID#: 4033, pw(tblmovienight).

UPDATE: Congratulations to Kels, who just got his ass banned for signing up for more than one pool. It takes skill to finish dead last before the contest even starts. ONE ENTRY PER PERSON. If you put in two entries, I will find your cheating ass. So don’t bother.

UPDATE: Group X is up. Same link, ID#: 4198, pw(urmomcame4me).

UPDATE: Group 11 is up. Same link, ID#: 4620, pw(killkillkill).

UPDATE: Group 12 is up. Same link, ID#: 5107, pw(kelscheated).

UPDATE: Another Group 12. Same link, ID#: 5105, pw(jugsandred).

UPDATE: Group 14. Same link, ID#: 6543, pw(apecanttype). If you’re already in one of the other 13 groups and you join this group, I will come to your house and sew your genitals to your face.

UPDATE: Group 15. Same link, ID#: 8780, pw(shanofftimer). If you are in more than one group my friends and I will shit in your car.

UPDATE: Group 16. Same link, ID#: 27548, pw(latelate). If you are in more than one group my friends and I will come to your house and tear your wife in half.

Hello folks,

You are using the name Ookie for promotional items but must be unaware that my company has a registered trademark for that name. Therefore I am sorry but you should no longer use the name. I appreciate a response.
You can see our trademark Ookie at www.babyemporio.com

thank you,
Clasina Valkenberg
Baby Emporio

We checked it out and, sure enough, Baby Emporio sells little rag dolls for babies called “Ookies.” Twenty-six bucks plus shipping and handling for a knotted up diaper that my son wouldn’t wipe his ass with. If he could wipe his ass. Which he can’t.

Our first inclination was tell Clasina Valkenberg to go pound sand. Where the hell does Clasina Valkenberg get off telling us what we can and can’t sell? Plus we had serious doubts over any exclusiveness Clasina Valkenberg claims to have over the word “Ookie” since it appears in other places on the web. But then the shit hit the fan…

We learned from MSNBC’s Darren Rovell that the NFL has forbidden fans from purchasing Mike Vick jerseys with the name “Ookie” on the back. Ye gods, we thought, had Clasina Valkenberg got to Roger Goodell? Had the mysterious baby novelty cartel forced the world’s most powerful sports league to its knees? If the NFL couldn’t stand up to Baby Emporio, what shot did a renegade band of sports bloggers have? Internally, we debated the course of action we should take. At long last, we came to a decision.

Since Clasina Valkenberg requested our response, here it is– drafted and vetted by a fleet of white-shoe attorneys, every single one a wily Jew:

We don’t give a rat’s ass if Clasina Valkenberg has a trademark on Ookie for her rag dolls. Trademark law was adopted so consumers can identify products from one another. Trademarks aren’t infinite in scope. Miller Brewery couldn’t stop you from selling Miller brand pencils, gum, nails etc. There is no likelihood of confusion between Clasina Valkenberg’s rag dolls and KSK’s shirt, which, incidentally, offer commentary on a wholly unrelated public news event.

[Note to any IP attorneys / smartass law students: I realize leaving out trademark dilution, free speech and other issues which may also figure in to any potential legal claims, but this is an NFL blog, We've already spent way to much time discussing legalities. No one wants to read boring shit like that on a Monday morning.]

So, in summary, we are changing nothing and Clasina Valkenberg can take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.

Just as you are, we’re gearing up for the holiday that celebrates challenging authority, blowing shit up, and casually neglecting the rights of women. Independence Day is Wednesday, which totally fucks our week, blah blah blah we’re gonna be lazy assholes.

We’re not posting tomorrow, and we’ll be fortunate to get one post up for Thursday and Friday. We don’t like it either, but this is how it’s going down. Some of us will be out-of-town, or even out-of-country, and you’ll have to split time with the people that put up with our shit in real life. When the withdrawal starts to set in, just remember that training camps will open less than three weeks after we come back, and to use lotion. Or sunscreen. Anything with lubricative properties is good.

And, oh yeah, the contest to pick the owner of KSK’s 14th fantasy team ended Saturday. We received over 11,000 submissions, give or take. The quality of your work was high, and the debate over who deserved to win was (sort of) intense. In the end, it came down to who we thought would make the best addition to our league. By the end of the contest, we had it narrowed down to four people, and the final decision was not unanimous.

We’ll be sharing our favorite submissions with you over the next couple weeks, and you can see what kind of badassery your submission was up against. Plus it helps us keep being lazy. That’s a win-win.

The 14th member of the KSK Fantasy Football League is Sarah, better known as commenter/troublemaker SportsGirl365 from the blog Strike Zones and End Zones. In the end, we liked her style, football knowledge, and her ability to deliver (and receive) trash talk.

Please give Sarah your warmest welcome in the comments.

UPDATE: Sarah’s submission appears below. I think she’s gonna fit right in: