I recall it was last week that I proclaimed “Bill Belichick: A Football Life” to be unwatchable on near “Whitney”-ian levels. Well that was before they showed the Patriots holding a Halloween party at a rollerskating rink with Ol’ Hoodie Grumblebottom dressed as a pirate captain. Be rethinking my original stance, says I.

What ho! A misplaced screencap or evidence of piratical overtones this eve? One can never tell with the likes of ARRRRRRcher.

Help! Please someone, help me! I’ve been taken hostage by Jon Gruden and the Bucs! You’ve got to do something! They’ve locked me in the basement, and placed a ball gag on me! And they often spend all day tickling me. They’re so strong and rough! I can’t take the sheer ecstasy!

Oh, it’s terrible, the conditions they’ve left me in. Just the other day, they placed me in a barrel and made me fellate members of the staff! It was heaven… I mean, it was terrible! And sometimes, they whip me! They tie me to a post in the “Love Brig” and take out their long, leather whips, flaying me across the back as a man in a gimp mask tickles my balls! And they just whip me and whip me until I’m begging for more! No, please! I can’t take these kind of earth-shattering orgasms! It’s just like “Kiss of the Spider Woman”!

This is all Jon Gruden’s doing! He’s an animal! With his sun-bleached blonde hair, and his rippling muscles, and his husky voice, and his take-charge attitude! This man is a monster! No one can resist his charms! Oh, how I wish I were free from his mesmerizing spell! But he’s just so… so very dreamy. Can’t you see how he’s managed to enslave me somewhat against my will?

You must help me! I cannot get out of this terrible cycle of lusty pirate BDSM. The abuse is just so horrible, and titillating. Just last week, they stuck a feather up my ass! God, how I hated it. And loved it. No, I hated it! No, I loved it! I HATED THAT I LOVED IT! GAHHHHH!!!!!

SET ME FREE, BUCS! LET ME GO FROM THIS HORRIBLE, WONDERFUL OBSESSION! QUIT PLAYING YOUR IRRESISTIBLE SEX GAMES!