Of all the celebrities who didn’t get the chance to blow me off in Miami, Andy Rooney is the one I’m saddest of all that I missed. Actually, I totally forgot that he goes to the Super Bowl every year. But luckily, before dotage claimed what’s left of his memory of the event, he was able to provide us with the gripping tale of his Super Bowl experience during last night’s 60 Minutes. Basically, he did what Conan fake-did to NBC, only with more entertaining senility. To recap:

This man is a cultural treasureforce. Yes, that’s the portmanteau I have coined in his honor. Andy Rooney: Treasureforce.

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There’s been a lot of grumbling over the years for a national amendment to the Constitution to legalize gay marriage. There are a lot of rights that married couples have that the pillow-biters don’t have. But what about the rights that gay couples have? Like the right to go into a bathroom stall and have sex whenever they want? Being the same gender means they can use the same bathroom. Straight couples can’t do that. This really has nothing to do with football. I just find it interesting.

The Miami Dolphins are one of six teams to start the season 0-3. The others are the Rams, Browns, Chiefs, Titans, and Buccaneers. The Tennessee Titans won their division last year. So did the Dolphins. The Buccaneers almost won their division, but they didn’t. And the Chiefs and Browns weren’t even close to winning their divisions. Winning a division is hard in pro football. It’s not as hard as winning a conference, but it’s harder than winning a single game.

The Pittsburgh Steelers have lost two games in a row, first to the Chicago Bears and then this past weekend to the Cincinnati Bengals. They seem to have trouble against teams from cities starting with the letter C, but why? How would they do against the Carolina Panthers? The team plays in Charlotte, North Carolina. That starts with C, but they don’t call themselves Charlotte, they call themselves Carolina. “Carolina” starts with C, but Carolina’s not a city. It’s not even a state. Maybe its an American territory, like Guam. Lovely summers in Guam, though the child prostitution there isn’t what it used to be.

Brett Favre threw another game-winning touchdown pass last weekend. San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Singletary only played six defensive backs against Favre on that last defensive play, but why? Why not play eleven defensive backs? You know he’s going to throw it? Maybe the next time that happens, Singletary should play ten defensive backs, and one defensive lineman, or perhaps a very angry dog.

Jim Mora Junior seemed pretty put off when his Seattle Seahawks kicker missed two field goals in a game that Mora’s team lost by six points. Coaches and kickers never really get along in the first place, but why? Kickers are usually out of shape and only good at one particular skill. Football coaches are out of shape and only good at one particular skill, and some of them aren’t even good at that. And then there’s Dick Jauron, who’s anorexic and not particularly good at anything. Sounds like my granddaughter, Millie. Her name’s really Angela-Renee, but I like to call her Millie. Sounds less French.

And Detroit won its first game in nearly two years on Sunday. People in Detroit need something to feel good about these days, but why? They’re not building cars anymore. People there can’t afford to live in houses anymore. And the schoolchildren there suffer from low self-esteem since their mommies and daddies can’t afford to buy them all those nice things they see on TV. It won’t be long before Ma and Pa start pimping out these little tikes to the highest bidders in the U.S., Canada, or however far you can send a child with UPS’ two-day shipping. That has nothing to do with football. I just find it interesting.

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I don’t think I like these new energy efficient light bulbs. They have this fancy new design that makes it look like some kind of pasta noodle, but why? Why design the glass part of the bulb to look like the screw part of the bulb? How do we know which end to stick into the socket? If we really wanted to be energy efficient, we’d all settle for candle wax stains in our carpeting.

Kurt Warner only threw two incomplete passes in Arizona’s win over Jacksonville Sunday. Nobody seems to want to watch the Jaguars play this season, but why? I think it’s because of Warner’s outspoken love for Jesus. And maybe something to do with the economy, too. Our country’s so poor right now that we can’t even afford a white president.

Everyone seems surprised that the Bears beat the Steelers last week in a pouring rain. Pro football makes its players play in the rain. That doesn’t happen in baseball, since the first baseball players in America were made entirely of sugar. Bears quarterback Jay Cutler isn’t made of sugar or spice or anything nice at all. How could somebody making so much money look so upset all the time. I have one guess. Hemorrhoids.

Jerry Jones opened a new stadium for the Dallas Cowboys over the weekend, but why? What was wrong with the old stadium. He made the roof the same shape and the seats the same color. Nobody would build a bigger house and then make it the same as their old house. That just seems silly to me. And then the New York Giants came over and beat the Cowboys on a last-second field goal. Usually in new surroundings, it’s the dog that soils the rug first.

People in Washington seem upset that Washington only beat the St. Louis Rams by two points Sunday, but why? They won the game, and yet people are still talking about firing Jim Zorn. It’s true that people get fired in Washington all the time, whether they’re doing their jobs or not. But I notice that Jim Zorn might be one of the skinniest coaches in the league. Surely it wouldn’t cost much to move him. Surely Dan Synder is keeping Zorn on staff because he costs less to feed.

The Miami Dolphins had the football for 45 minutes in their Monday Night game. And they still lost, but why? Why not take some of that time holding the football and just hide it? Peyton Manning can make all the hand signals he wants, but he can’t score a point if he can’t find the ball. I remember when I was in prep school; we used to take the smallest girls we could find and lock them in the janitor’s closet. Then we would tell the freshmen that the janitor was a child molester. Turns out he actually was, but none of us knew that at the time. That has nothing to do with football. I just find it interesting.

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