Black Monday saw several coaches and team executives being shown the door like the miserable incompetents that they are. Then Black Tuesday did as well. Surely, some more people will be fired and those days will get to dress in blackface as well. Everyone knows firings are great, except for when reporters repeat that euphemistic bullsh*t that someone was “relieved of their duties” by a team, like they’ve been granted freedom from the manacles of their football job and are now able to go frolic freely with smiling, singing forest creatures. They got fired. Just say it. Anyway, here’s a rundown of who’s been canned and who probably should have been canned but was mysteriously given another chance to suck.

Bill Polian

One of the most powerful executives in football, Polian made it possible for the Colts and Peyton Manning to thrive through a slight rejiggering of the rules to benefit Indy’s pass-happy attack. On the other hand, he’s a controlling asswipe and Jim Irsay would like to be able to have some say in his team’s operations between posting classic rock lyrics on his Twitter feed.

Status: FIRED

Jim Caldwell

To his credit, Caldwell showed marked gains in feigning understanding the responsibilities of his job this season.

Status: PROBABLY ALSO FIRED BUT COLTS HATERS HOPE NOT

Jerry Angelo

The Bears general manager had a draft record of futility to rival anyone’s. Oh, and there was that time he ignored the pleas of his coaches not to sign Kordell Stewart to big money and did it anyway. And still kept his job for almost another decade.

Status: FIRED

Mike Martz

Once again, an NFL offense fails to grasp the fantastic complexity of the Mike Martz system. Why, it’s not his fault football players are such simps. Who are you to question genius? How could he have known that Jay Cutler would get hurt and then the team couldn’t bring in another veteran because it would take too long to learn Martz’s Byzantine playbook? Force majeure. No refund.

Status: FIRED until he can sucker yet another team into giving him a job.

Norv Turner

The Chargers reportedly gave scroteface an ultimatum a few weeks back that either his team wins out and makes the postseason, or he gets canned. Well, the Chargers didn’t win out, so naturally…

Status: SHOCKINGLY NOT FIRED

Andy Reid

One season of tarnished expectations shouldn’t get in the way of many more seasons of tarnished expectations.

Status: NOT FIRED

Raheem Morris

Drew picked the Buccaneers to go to the Super Bowl and no one makes Drew look foolish and lives to tell about it.

Status: FIRED

Steve Spagnuolo

The Rams demand their next coaching sacrifice. At least they no longer have to worry about inheriting A.J. Smith from the Chargers. And by they, I mean a largely theory based idea of a Rams fan base.

Status: FIRED

Leslie Frazier

Frazier has capably maintained the level of ineptitude to which Vikings fans are accustomed, with or without Purple Jesus.

Status: NOT FIRED

Kyle Shanahan

Only including this to toy with Kogod’s and other ‘Skins fan emotions.

Status: Nepotism still alive and well.

Jeff Fisher

Meeting with the Dolphins. Does this spell a return to excessive sideline fistpumps?

Status: FISTPUMP

The NFL primetime games this week aren’t particularly great, at least on paper. In fact, they’re pretty bad. But that’s never stopped us from tuning before. And who knows? The games might even be entertaining, in their own sloppy, derpy way. Best case scenario: through in odd combination of events, the Vikings blow yet another huge lead in the second half while Cutler’s linemen allow him to be dismembered by Jared Allen. Other than that, there’s not much for those who don’t have Matt Forte or Purple Jesus in fantasy.

With that in mind, let’s focus on the more amusing moments from today’s action, shall we?

LeSean McCoy punching Andy Reid in the gut after icing the game with a first down run is instantly my new favorite gif/image/whatever. This even eclipses the DeSean Jackson-Andy Reid chest bump attempt from ’09. No small feat.

via Jose3030

Meanwhile in DC Raljon, MD, the Sex Cannon was benched for throwgasming four times to the other team.

John Beck took over from there, and played about as well as you’d expect John Beck to play. He did, however, go a long way to making sure that the security at team headquarters finally recognizes him. Because he had a name tag on during the post-game press conference.

via The Bog

Obviously, the “skirmish” between Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz will be fodder for all the talking head football etiquette experts to wring their hands, knit their brows and evacuate their bowels over. Not me. I love coach fights. Coach fights should serve as a playoff tiebreaker. Maybe not the first one, but at least in the top three. It should go: head-to-head, record vs. conference then coach fight. If the fight results in a Street Fighter-esque simultaneous double KO, keep going down the list.

That was a Hitler salute away from a Josh McDaniels-style gloat-splosion from Harbaugh. Later on, Harbaugh attributed all the drama to his handshake being too firm. TOO MUCH MAN FOR YOU, SCHWARTZ!

Just included this to point out that Jim Harbaugh has sideline gigolos.

Troy Polamalu suffered approximately the 900th concussion of his playing career today when his helmet collided with what Gruden would call one of Maurice Jones-Drew’s “thick lowers”. It certainly didn’t help that Ryan Clark felt it necessary to headbutt Troy after the play. James Harrison is sure to be upset when he isn’t the first Steelers player fined for causing a head injury in a teammate.

Cam Newton paid an homage to Deion Sanders after running in a TD against the Falcons. Because swag monster respect swag monster.

also via @Jose3030

Dalmatian whipping out his yellow member at a goose? The things network TV can get away with these days. Oh, and if you think that’s the only seemingly innocuous thing from yesterday’s Eagles-Bears game that we can put into a forced inappropriate context, then you are surely mistaken.

That’s the last time anyone knocks Andy Reid’s cock management skills.