When a team that KSK collectively loathes makes it to the Super Bowl, we can get a little carried away with rooting for their opponent. This might lead some to believe that we objectively approve of a slapdick team like the Giants. We do not. We hate everyone. Just some a little more than others. The Giants are goddamn annoying, but only slightly less annoying than the Patriots. Given a little more sustained success and the attending sense of entitlement, who knows? The gap isn’t as wide as it used to be.

We’re glad the Giants were able to beat the Pats in the Super Bowl in a fashion somewhat similar to the way they did four years ago. But if it weren’t you, it would have just been the Niners or the Packers. Expedience doesn’t excuse the fact that you’re mostly Yankees fans and denizens of Durrty Jerzz. Despite your constant protestations, you’re just as trashy as Jets fans, so stop putting on airs, you dicks.

Stop calling your team the New York Football Giants. The baseball team left more than 50 years ago. There’s no confusion. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.

Yeah, I know, all us other fan bases are super jealous that your team won the title and that they made the incredible run twice in five years. It’s true. So we’re gonna take extra satisfaction when your team hopefully follows up this title like they did the last time, by running roughshod through the NFC, getting the top seed, then sh*tting the bed against the rival Eagles in the playoffs. Make us another crying Giants fan.

By the way, thanks for getting swept by the Redskins. Now D.C. fans have something, even sarcastically, to crow about. That’s never good. Getting Devin Thomas a ring for ‘Skins trolling purposes only provides minor relief.

Dammit, Eli: now that we finally have to admit you’re good, the least you could do is embrace it and talk a little sh*t about your brother.

YOU’VE BEEN IN PEYTON’S SHADOW YOUR WHOLE LIFE. WE KNOW YOU’RE ENJOYING THIS. ACT LIKE IT. NO ONE SAID YOU HAD TO WAVE YOUR DICK AT HIM, BUT MAKE A JOKE, YOU AWKWARDLY STOIC OLIVIA OEDIPUS.

NeckAIDS better run in the family.

Cashier: Okay, sir. You got two bacon cheeseburgers, one spicy fish fillet, two sides of chicken fries, one order of chili cheese fries and one extra large cherry limeade. That’ll be $18.12.

Derek from Muncie: Ha! That’s funny! 18-12! That’s what Colts fans call the rivalry between Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. The War of 1812. I don’t know if you can really call it a “war” anymore, because we own the Patriots now. How stupid was Belicheat going for that 4th and 2? Peyton would’ve never done that.

Cashier: [Polite chuckle]

Derek: Speaking of Peyton, did you know he’s the first quarterback to ever throw for 40,000 yards in ONE DECADE!? I learned that in my issue of Colts Insider that I keep right here in my front seat. Oops, it fell under this Quinzo’s bag. There it is!

Cashier: $18.12 is your total, sir.

Derek: Did you know the Colts have the most total wins of any team this decade? Sure, we might not have the most titles, like those cheating Patriots and Steelers who robbed us of what was rightfully ours, but the best team doesn’t always win the Super Bowl. But I do think we’re gonna win it this year. How couldn’t we? You just can’t count the Colts out, no matter how far they fall behind in any game. They’re just way, way too good. Did you see how they came back against the Texans? Classic Colts. Just like that Dolphins game where they won despite only having the ball for what? Five minutes? That’s crazy.

Cashier: You’re holding up the line, sir.

Derek: I appreciate you being so courteous to me. I used to frequent Subway all the time even though some of their employees are jerks. Wanna know why?

Cashier: [Doesn't get a chance to speak]

Derek: Because Jared, their spokesguy, is a Colts fan. And people say the Colts aren’t a glamorous team!

We have a celebrity fan! I mean, Peyton’s really a celebrity in his own right. Did you see him on SNL? So funny. I think he’s gonna star in movies when his career is over. That is, when he’s not being a Super Bowl winning coach. Not like he’s not really coaching the team right now anyway. Caldwell’s just an empty figurehead. Anyway, I stopped going to Subway after they dropped Jared as their spokesguy. Now they have Justin Tuck and Michael Strahan doing ads? Whatever. The Giants suck. We beat them in the Greatest Game Ever Played in 1958. Man, I wish I could’ve been an Indy Colts fan back then.

Cashier: Please, sir. The money.

Derek: All right, all right. You know what you guys should do? When the Colts beat the Cheatriots record of 21 consecutive victories in two weeks, you should have a special promotion with that. Like, a free large cherry limeaid or something. I mean, the Colts should really have the record now anyway because the Pats are cheaters. The Chargers are too. Those scumbags didn’t deserve to beat us in our first playoff game the last two seasons. The NFL should investigate them. Shawne Merriman shared his steroids with everyone on the team. I read it on a message board. The Colts are good guys. We got rid of Marvin Harrison after his gun incident. Of course, he was old, decrepit and useless by that point anyway, but we still did it.

Oh, here’s you money.

Cashier: [Exhales sharply] Thank you.

Derek: HEY! My food’s cold now! I want my money back!

Wooo, Sunday Night Football! Oh wait, Steelers-Ravens? Can I downgrade that “Wooo” to a “Meh”?

Yes, it’s Pittsburgh versus Baltimore in the race for second place in the AFC North. The Steelers are without Ben Roethlisberger, backup QB Charlie Batch, and Head & Shoulders spokesmodel Troy Polamalu. In place of Roethlis-Batch will be rookie fifth-round draft pick and former Oregon Duck Dennis Dixon, who — as Cris Collinsworth will tell you several times tonight — has only thrown one pass in the NFL until now.

Thus, in order for the game to stay interesting tonight, we’ll need to cull all the hate these two teams inspire. I hate the Steelers. Christmas Ape hates the Ravens. Ravens fans hate Christmas Ape. Ed Reed hates not throwing laterals. 21st century industry hates both cities. And EVERYONE hates Ray Lewis.  HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE!!!!!!!!!!

The Giants are 10-1 right now and look to be the best team in the NFL. No matter your rooting inclinations, it’s hard to deny that the Giants are talented, versatile, and well-coached. Well, we at KSK will not stand by and watch as one team plays the game the way it should be played. Oh sure. The Giants were cute last year. But they were supposed to spend the majority of 2008 cratering back to Earth, missing the playoffs in the wake of horrific injuries and wildly inaccurate Eli Manning passes.

Instead, they’ve decided to continue being good. And that just won’t do. I don’t know about you, but I fucking hate it when some asshole NFL team that isn’t the one I root for decides to play good football for very long stretches. You had your moment in the spotlight, Giant fans. Spread the goddamn wealth, you glory hogs! Giant fans, your team is no longer the feisty little underdog. It’s now a fire-breathing colossus everyone expects to win. Therefore, it is time for all of us to give Giant fans their long-awaited heel turn. I hated the Pats. I hated the 90′s Cowboys. I hated the 80′s 49ers. And now, I hate YOU.

Because if my team can’t win jack shit (and they can’t), they I don’t want you enjoying your team’s success. Fuck you, Giant fans. You iceball-throwing, chest-painting, mouth-breathing pizza slice folders. Die.

Now we’ve had our fun fans of other teams here at KSK. And, since we are now tragically bereft of the weekly musings of Carl Brutananadilewski, it’s up to us to create the perfect mocking stereotype of Giant fans. But where would we begin? Well, I think it’s obvious that our perfect asshole Giants fan would need to be wearing a Shockey jersey…

Bavaro will also do in a pinch. Now, of course, our Giants fan must have a great deal of civic pride…

“NEW YORK CITY IS THE FUCKING GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD, YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKERS!”

…despite never actually having lived in any of the five boroughs…

“Rockaway, New Jersey, born and bred! MORRIS KNOLLS HIGH SCHOOL FUCKING RULES!”

…and he, of course, should always act more Italian than he actually is…

“My fucking uncle’s stepcousin is fucking Sicilian. These are my fucking people, you prick. You fuck with them, you fuck with me. Hey, who do I gotta blow to get some gabbagool around here, am I right?”

…Now that I think about it, he should probably just say “am I right?” at the end of every sentence…

“Look at that tits on that broad, am I right? I’d put my proshoot in that hoagie roll, am I right? Tell you what, I’d let that broad suck my dick ALL DAY LONG, AM I RIGHT?”

…And swear to God often…

“SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD, the girl’s mom also gave me head. SWEAR TO GOD.”

…Oh, and he should be misogynistic. I mean, just repellently misogynistic…

“So I’m fucking this broad the other night, right? And get this: She wants me to eat her pussy. And I say to her, uh excuse me. But maybe if your drain didn’t smell like a dog’s open mouth, maybe I’d consider it. Then I hit her in the face with my cordless phone. She’s gotta play by the rules, AM I RIGHT?”

…Yes, yes that’s it. He should always be demanding that you think he’s right…

“The Giants are the fucking best team in the league. AM I RIGHT, FUCKO?!”

…and he should always state obvious facts as if they are amazing observations he is kind enough to bestow upon you, and dare you to disagree with him in a very menacing fashion…

“All’s I’m sayin’ is that the Giants have a fucking great running game. SWEAR TO GOD. YOU WANNA FUCKING TELL ME THEY DON’T?!”

…He should probably quote Bronx Tale or Goodfellas whenever he can…

“IT WAS RESPECT!”

…And he should really hate Puerto Ricans…

“SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH! Jesus. You believe these spics?”

…And liberally use the n-word without shame…

“Sure, Plaxico Burress is a great deep threat. But he plays like a n—-r, am I right?”

…He should probably be drunk…

“Dude, I’ve already had, like thirty fucking beers. And it isn’t even noon. How many beers have you had? Ten? You’re a fucking faggot. This guy’s a fag, am I right?”

…And belligerent…

“DRINK THAT FUCKING BEER, OR I WILL KICK YOUR WIFE IN THE FUCKING CUNT. I DON’T WANT ANY FUCKING FAGGOTS AT THIS TAILGATE. You don’t drink that beer, I will fucking slit your mother’s throat while your dad watches, I FUCKING SWEAR THIS TO YOU.”

…Of course, he should be fat. And a cop…

“Good morning, Mr. Magary. I’m calling from the Policeman’s Benevolent Association. And we’re holding our 35th annual holiday party this year. We were wondering if you could contribute over the phone, because we’d like to have a fucking ice luge at the party this year.”

…And he should only root for the Giants as a winter-time diversion from his real passion: obsessing over the Yankees and calling into the WFAN to propose trades…

“Mike, why isn’t Cashman going harder after fucking Liriano? THAT’S THE RIGHT MOVE, AM I RIGHT?!”

…He should look down on the Jets, despite the fact that they play in the same stadium and have equally trashy fans…

“The Jets? They’re not a real fucking team.”

…Oh, and he’s gotta love the Boss, and Bon Jovi…

“We’re livin’ on love! They say we’re we’re living in sin! O-OOOOO WHOAAAAA WHOAAAAA!!!!”

…Finally, he should have a trashy-looking, overly bossy girlfriend who has a terrible French manicure, thinks she much better looking than she actually is, and is somehow even more loud and obnoxious than her man…

“YOU GUYS DRINKING AS MUCH AS I AM?! GO HARD OR GO HOME! GOD, KEVIN BOSS IS SO FUCKING HOT! I’D LET HIM STICK A FLASHLIGHT IN MY ASS! WE’RE GOING TO THE ‘SQUAN THIS SUMMER! GOOOOO GIANTS!”

Yup, I think that should do it. But your suggestions are also welcome for our new creation. Any pictures of our potential asshole Giants fan stereotype in would also be appreciated. Let’s call him ASSHOLE IN A SHOCKEY JERSEY for now. That should work. Oh, and fuck the Giants in the goat ass.