I’ve thought about it for nearly two weeks now, and I still can’t bring myself to root for either team. My wife is a Giants fan, which doesn’t really help me decide. As much as I want to avoid dealing with some weepy Super Bowl loser, I’m not convinced the alternative is any better. Either way, she’s probably going to cry.

A win for the Giants means they’ll have one more than the Redskins. A loss and Boston fans will be happy. There is no good choice here, no matter how I think about it. The only thing that makes me lean in one direction over the other is the idea of Eli having more rings than Peyton. But that’s hardly enough to make me happy about the outcome. This is why gambling is so important. All I have to do is commit to one team, and put enough money on the line to make a win satisfying.

On to the Super Bowl picks…

Point Spread: New York +3

Fuck it. I called them a .500 team (which was accurate for a while), and picked against them most of the year. I’m ready to come around on Elisha.

Over/Under: Under 54

The Giants AND the under? Somebody hates himself.

Super Bowl MVP: Hakeem Nicks 12/1

Quarterbacks win the award half the time, but 9/4 just isn’t good enough to get me to pick Eli. I’ll take a longer shot with a legitimate chance of having a huge game.

First team to 10 points: Giants EVEN

Both teams tend to finish strong, but it’s the Patriots who tend to go down early. This is certainly more interesting than betting on the coin flip at -105.

Opening Kickoff Result: No Touchback +155

While there is something to be said for adrenaline, neither of these kickers has a very high touchback rate.

Will Madonna wear an NFL jersey or shirt: No -400

This is the easiest money of the night. There is zero fucking chance that Madonna is going to rock a jersey, or anything else that looks like she bought it at Spencer’s Gifts.

Live shots of Peyton Manning during the game: Under 3.5 -110

Four seems excessive. Especially because NBC is probably under strict orders to keep the focus on the game rather than the Peyton/Irsay ordeal. NBC is the NFL’s bottom bitch.

Eli Manning interception total: Over .5 -200

Victor Cruz’s longest reception: Over 27.5 yards

Cruz led the league in receptions of over 25 yards, so he should be good for a long one against this secondary. Then he’ll do that fucking dance and your girlfriend will ask why you can’t dance like that and you’ll be forced to flick a bottle cap at her head.

Yards gained on Rob Gronkowski’s first catch: Over 9.5 -130

I feel like I should have one New England pick, and this is a good one. Gronk is fine, everyone. Bill Belichick ordered Gronk Sr. to go on the radio and call it a high ankle sprain. SMAHT LIKE A FAWX.

Head over to With Leather for more fun with Super Bowl prop bets.

Our old comrade Punte posted a fun slideshow over at his new home. David Frei, a former NFL PR man and current god of the Westminster Dog Show, compared several of this weekend’s championship game participants to breeds that will be on display the week after the Super Bowl. Some, like Victor Cruz as a Whippet (lithe and athletic) and Wes Welker as a Brittany spaniel (white-bread), were dead on, while some miss the mark entirely. The most questionable comparison was easily Eli Manning as a Border Collie. Come on, Mr. Frei. You just compared this guy to one of the smartest and most reliable breeds to ever exist. That’s bullsh*t. We could get better analysis than that from Buck Laughlin.

If Elisha is anything he’s a Cocker spaniel. I once knew a Cocker who would piss all over the floor every time somebody walked in the front door. That’s the quarterback I know. He looks pretty good from a distance, he’s not likely to bite your hand off, and he’s the product of questionable breeding practices. Just look at that dopey bastard. You can hardly even tell Flubby manipulated the image.

Speaking of dogs, the Unnecessary Purchase of the Week is this £250,000 canine condo fit for a Super Bowl champion. It’s probably nicer than your apartment, and it even has a retina scanner to keep your poor dog on the outside looking in. Ugh.

Last week: 3-1
Playoffs: 5-3

On to the picks…

Baltimore +9 at New England

Here I am again, forced to root for either the Ravens (not an option) and the fahkin Pats. I don’t know why, but I always seem to find myself rooting for New England this time of year. It makes me sick, but I never feel like I have much of a choice. Whether they’re up against the Tim Tebow media express, Peyton Manning’s Colts, or the godforsaken Ravens, the answer is always clear. Go with Belichick.

Pats win, but the Ravens cover. And everyone can thank Bodog for tacking a couple of extra points on to the line.

Fuck the playoffs.

New York Giants at San Francisco -3

It may not be the best cover of N-words in Paris, but this version titled “Niners In Paris” by Ashkon (the Ashton Kutcher and Akon we’ve all been waiting for) really isn’t terrible. Plus they got rid of the n-word, which makes telling people about the song much less awkward.

I like the Niners by two scores. Their secondary should be able to limit big plays, and if somebody does get free over the middle Donte Whitner will probably kill him before he can score.

So if I’m right we’re heading for a Patriots and 49ers Super Bowl. That’s right, a full week of stories about Tom Brady’s Bay Area upbringing. Did you know he grew up a 49ers fan in San Mateo? He used to swim to and from the games. True story.

Niners in Paris from Shutdown Corner via With Leather

I had a TA in college who was obsessed with Rambo: First Blood Part II the way Bill Simmons obsesses over every other Sylvester Stallone movie. I had to write a paper about this piece of crap, which, if memory serves, was awful. Needless to say, the movie (and my paper) would have been ten times better if it was two hours of Eli Manning making his stink face at confused Vietnamese people.

Your Unnecessary Purchase of the Week is the stuffed panda chair designed by Fernando and Humberto Campana. I know a lot of morons look at works of modern art and piss all over them by saying their five year old could do the same thing. I truly feel that way about this chair. If you’re going to charge $85,000, I demand a chair made out of an actual giant panda. So cuddly. So endangered.

Playoffs: 2-2
Regular season: No longer relevant.

Now that the Bengals and Lions are back home, the real playoffs are ready to begin. On to the picks!

New Orleans at San Francisco +4

What a badass way to start off the weekend. Homer knows what’s up. Have all of your snacks in position before 4 pm and just go to town for eight hours. I’m rooting for the Saints, but giving serious consideration to placing a bet on the 49ers anyway. I haven’t actually placed a football bet this year, which is definitely for the best. I’m terrible at this.

Denver at New England -13.5

Instead of doing another post dedicated to Tim Tebow, I’ll just include all of the latest news right here in bullet point format. I call it, the KSK Kristian Kuarterback Klearinghouse.

• Unbeknownst to me, ESPN has been conducting a monthly poll over the last 18 years to determine America’s favorite athlete. In that time only 11 people have ever finished number one. December’s winner was Tim Tebow, having brought in 45 of the 1502 votes. Kobe Bryant finished second. So yes, Tim Tebow is slightly more popular than a likely rapist. I’ll take Kobe, thanks.

• According to a magazine for people who think US Weekly uses too many big words, Katy Perry’s evangelical parents want to see her settle down with Tebow, or something. I don’t fucking know, but everybody seems happy to run with it. KATY PERRY TOPLESS BOOB JIGGLE TIM TEBOW CIRCUMCISED PENIS.

• Adam Schefter wrote a whole thing about Tebow and 3:16. Not just his 316 passing yards, but even dumber shit like this, “The Steelers finished the game with a time of possession of 31:06.” If I know my New Testament, John 31:06 says, “Thou who doth see Adam Schefter shall cast a stone in the direction of his genitals.”

• In other polling news, 43% of those polled who were aware of Tim Tebow’s run of success believe that Divine Intervention has played a role. Those same 43% of people don’t believe in evolution because they’ve never seen a monkey give birth to a human baby.

• As for the reason we’re here, the game’s two-touchdown point spread, Tebow had this to say. “The cool thing about that is maybe a bunch of people will win some money betting on our side.” First they ease up on the whole usury thing, now they’re advocating gambling. It’s a slippery slope, Christians. Soon enough you’ll be using sodomy as a form of birth control.

Ugh, this Broncos season can’t end soon enough. As for actual notes that may be of interest, the week 15 meeting between these two teams generated over $1 billion in wagers (the legal kind, I presume) according to RJ of Pregame.com. Only half of that total came from Floyd Mayweather.

Houston +9 at Baltimore

A Maryland middle school student was told that he had to take off his Ball So Hard University sweatshirt because an assistant principal who last had sex in 1972 thought it sent “mixed messages.”

New York at Green Bay -9

Most places seem to have the line set at 7.5, but Bodog has it all the way up at nine. So yeah, it might make sense to take them up on the +9, but I’m not falling into the trap. The Packers are the pick to win big, then Eli can get started on his offseason plans.

Simpsons gifs via Mmm… The Simpsons.

Top image via Traina.

This set of nesting knives from a company called Deglon come via the excellent Tumblr, Reasons to Go Broke. It’s over $800 for a set of four, which is a crazy amount of money to pay for any knives that aren’t world-class pieces of cutlery. I love my knives, and even the nicest one I received as a wedding present didn’t approach $200. But how do the most fickle Amazon reviewers feel about their purchase? Let’s check in with the item’s lone one-star review.

You would think that for over $800.00 they could give you the whole knife and not cut the middle out of the dang thing.

You make an excellent point, Mr. Amazon Reviewer.

Regular Season: 117-122-6

On to the playoff picks!

Cincinnati +3 at Houston

There’s a chance that Jake Delhomme could be forced in to action at some point tomorrow. In a playoff game. Jake fucking Delhomme, man. The last time he played in a playoff game he threw five interceptions and crashed his truck into a blind orphan.

Detroit at New Orleans -11

I’m writing this post while my wife watches this week’s episode of Biggest Loser, and holy shit, this show is a mess. I wish it were possible to FJM the entire thing. At one point a guy worked out so hard he was unable to tell the paramedic what state he was in or the name of his trainer. Come on, can exercised induced amnesia possibly be a real thing? Oh well, at least he didn’t get heatstroke from barbecuing on Top Chef. I only mention any of this because Shaun Rogers is big fat man from Texas.

Important Biggest Loser update: One of the contestants was a professional wrestler who once finished a match after her opponent broke her back with an Owen Hart special (by which I mean a botched wrestling move, not a harness accident). When asked how she finished the match she said, “Like I said, I don’t like to lose.” At fake wrestling.

What I’m trying to say is that the Saints are really good.

Atlanta +3 at New York

God, I love betting against the Giants. This team sees similarities to the one that won it all in ’07, because of course they do. What else are they going to say? That they’re a decidedly average football team with four or five standout players and a bunch of Aaron Ross types? I think Atlanta is going to smoke them. Take the moneyline, leave the canoli.

I have been drinking.

Pittsburgh at Denver +9

The 2010 Saints were the only other road playoff team in NFL history to be favored by more than a touchdown (via Pregame.com). That doesn’t mean Tebow will go all Beast Mode for the win, but that’s a big cushion for a really good defense against a banged up offense. At least that’s what I’m telling myself today. Tomorrow I’ll be sure that BEN is going to fuck me like a semi-conscious cheerleader on Pro Bowl weekend.

License plate via Darren Rovell (#unfollowdarrenrovell).

Ugh, the last week of regular season football. Fantasy seasons are over, most of the games don’t matter, and even the games that are supposed to matter don’t really matter. I mean, do any neutral fans really really give a damn who wins the NFC East? Of course not. But as pointless as this week may seem, I would probably give my left nut to watch a meaningless Redskins/Eagles game this summer.

One thing I wouldn’t give a piece of my body for is this leather six-pack holder (via Uncrate, of course). You have to be a special kind of douchebag to spend $65 bucks on this kind of thing.

Last week: 8-6-1
Overall: 111-114-5

Dallas at New York Giants -3

Sunday Night Football usually goes at the bottom of the post, but seeing as how it’s the one win-and-you’re-in game of the week it’s getting top billing. In fact, I’m going to go ahead and ignore most of the other games in this week’s post.

Everything you could ever need to know about this game can be summed up in this video from NMA TV.

These Taiwanese people have a better understanding of the NFL than 90% of the people employed by ESPN. All of those tours of Jerry World and nobody thought to show us the fireman’s pole that transports Jerry to the sidelines? Inexcusable.

Washington at Philadelphia -9

The saddest part is that I’m going to watch every minute of this game. Because I hate myself.

San Francisco -11 at St. Louis

A win clinches the 2 seed for the 49ers. Simple enough.

Chicago at Minnesota PICK

Oooh, a pick ‘em! I have no fucking clue.

Detroit -3 at Green Bay

Maybe that Matt Flynn guy can play quarterback for the Redskins next year.

Carolina +8 at New Orleans

Speaking of backup quarterbacks, Chase Daniel! That’s a thing, right?

Tennessee -3 at Houston

The Titans can still get in the playoffs? That makes about as much sense as their coach leaving for Penn State.

Indianapolis +4 at Jacksonville

My dad has convinced himself that if the Colts fuck up and lose the top pick to the Rams then the Redskins will trade for Sam Bradford. NOT HAPPENING.

New York Jets at Miami -1.5

Because it would be funny.

Buffalo at New England -11

Buffalo has never won at Gillette, and their quarterback has never used one. HI-YO!

Tampa Bay at Atlanta -11.5

The Falcons are going to the playoffs in back-to-back years for the first time in team history. What a shitty franchise.

Baltimore at Cincinnati +3
Pittsburgh -7.5 at Cleveland

Bengals sneak in to the playoffs, and Pittsburgh gets their precious bye week.

San Diego at Oakland -3

Enjoy the waning hours of the Norv Turner era, people. You’ll miss it when it’s gone. Unless you like the Chargers.

Kansas City +3.5 at Denver

Again, because it would amuse me.

Seattle +3 at Arizona

The playoffs start next week!

You probably can’t read the tag on that bear’s paw, but it says £1900. That’s about $3000 in non-Harry Potter money for an over-sized version of the famed Harrods bear, making it the perfect Unnecessary Purchase for Christmas time (even though it’s owned by those World Cup thieving Qataris).

My wife dragged me through Harrods during an extended layover in London earlier this year, and let me say, that place is the worst. Every department is more depressing than the last. But if you want to feel really shitty about the world, head right for the children’s departments. Whether its $1100 for a three year-old’s dress or $5600 for a toy pedal car, it’s enough to make you want to occupy something. So if you’re ever in London, stay the hell away from this place. Except for the food court. Because holy sh*t, the food court, you guys!

Last week: 8-7-1
Overall: 103-108-4

One step closer to .500!

Houston at Indianapolis +6.5

Damn it. I knew the Colts were going to win outright and I still didn’t pick them in my pool. I’m such a pussy.

Arizona +4 at Cincinnati

Can the Buzzsaw make it five in a row? Maybe!

St. Louis at Pittsburgh

Most places haven’t posted a line, and frankly, I could do without picking this one.

Denver -2.5 at Buffalo

Shocking news out of western New York, nobody wants to watch the Bills play. If the second coming of Jesus Christ playing football on Christmas Eve isn’t enough to get people’s asses in the seats, I say let Canada have them.

New York Giants +3 at New York Jets

I know of a few Kansas City fans who will be watching the game while wearing this shirt.

Jacksonville at Tennessee -7.5

By far my least favorite game of the week. I hate the Titans. They inspire zero faith whatsoever. But betting on Yo Gabba Gabbert is not an option.

Miami at New England -10

I can’t believe that the Patriots are talking about restructuring their entire front seven because of an injury to Andre Carter. It’s just Andre Carter, guys.

Cleveland +13 at Baltimore

Oakland at Kansas City -2

Both of these teams can still make the playoffs. The AFC West is a god damn mess.

Minnesota +6.5 at Washington

Fucking Matt Barkley. Without him in the draft the Redskins are never going to have a shot at RG3. They may as well just win.

Tampa Bay at Carolina -7.5

I fucking love the Panthers. Cam Newton is a joy to watch, and Ron Rivera actually ran the Annexation of Puerto Rico in last week’s game. Plus, they used to have those lesbian cheerleaders, who the other cheerleaders probably called “Icebox.”

San Diego +3 at Detroit

The Lions need a win (or a bunch of help) against the Chargers or the Packers to get to the playoffs. It would be a very Detroit thing to do to lose both of them.

Philadelphia +3 at Dallas

It’s like the Oakland/KC game, only we’re supposed to care for some reason.

San Francisco -2 at Seattle

Beast Mode runs on the power of Skittles, which is funny, because “Taste the rainbow” is the city of San Francisco’s unofficial motto.

Chicago at Green Bay -13

Pride? Yes. Let’s go with that. Should be good enough for two touchdowns.

Atlanta at New Orleans -7

Wow, what a great Monday Night game. Let’s all thank FOX for protecting the Jets/Giants and/or Cowboys/Eagles over this game. I’m pretty sure that’s how it works. Maybe.

Are you tired of burning oak like some kind of god damn hobo? Then you might want to take part in the hot new trend by ordering some designer birch firewood from Minnesota. The good stuff retails for more than $1 per pound (plus shipping), which is about what Sam Hurd pays for his weed. The best part? “I don’t have to worry about ugly wood.” Thank god. That frees up so much valuable time to worry about your NFL picks.

Last week: 9-6
Overall: 95-101-3

Jacksonville at Atlanta -11

I am incredibly thankful that the Redskins didn’t draft Blaine Gabbert last year. Now they can draft a quarterback this year. Sorry.

Dallas -6.5 at Tampa Bay

Gob would make a great black sheep in the Garret family.

Green Bay -15 at Kansas City

Romeo Crennel has brought an end to the Tyler Palko era in KC. Bless this man.

Seattle at Chicago -3.5

God will be busy in Denver, so there shouldn’t be any outside forces ruining Marion Barber’s life this week.

Cincinnati -7 at St. Louis

Because the Rams are horrible.

Tennessee at Indianapolis +8

When did the TSA become so fucking cool? And why doesn’t Freddie Gibbs even bother to hide that shit in a bottle of body wash or something?

Miami at Buffalo -1.5

I assume it’s going to be cold in Buffalo. That’s enough for me.

Carolina +7 at Houston

Wade Phillips is recovering from surgery on his kidney and gallbladder. No fat jokes until he’s released from the hospital, please.

New Orleans -7 at Minnesota

When Eric Gordon was traded to the Hornets Drew Brees picked him up at the airport. Al-Farouq Aminu had to settle for a ride on the handlebars on Tiny Darren’s tiny bicycle.

Detroit -1.5 at Oakland

Ndamukong Suh stomped on that Green Bay lineman because the guy kept untying his shoe. If only the NFL had known the real details they never would have gone through with that suspension.

New York Jets +3 at Philadelphia

That’s good hustle, Nacho! Seriously, two women on the same morning? Well done.

New England -7 at Denver

According to SportsCenter, Fathead has sold $50,000 worth of Tim Tebow poster type things in the past two days. Please stop giving Dan Gilbert your money.

Cleveland +7.5 at Arizona

None of you care, right? Good. Here’s the video I was going to post underneath the Patriots game until I saw that shit about thousands of people buying giant acrylic pictures for their sacrilegious shrines.

Why is this not on television yet?

Washington at New York Giants -7

I was thrilled when the Redskins beat the Giants in Week 1. I’ve been a bit conflicted about every other win since then. I really want that top-five pick. If that makes me a bad fan, then fuck you.

Baltimore at San Diego +3

Pittsburgh +2.5 at San Francisco

THAT NOT BEN FOOT. THAT IS ESKELETON.

Every year Neiman Marcus releases their Christmas Book to remind you that you’re hopelessly poor. One of this year’s fanciful fantasy gifts is a $45,000 ping pong table made out of rubber. According to the description, when not in use the table doubles as art. Good thing, because $45,000 seems like a lot to pay for a super bouncy ping pong table.

Last week: 7-9
Overall: 86-95-3

I’m terrible. I don’t deserve a ping pong table or art, let alone both.

Cleveland at Pittsburgh -14.5

Via.

Kansas City at New York Jets -10.5

The Chiefs have scored an average of seven points in their last five games. FUCKING SEVEN.

Indianapolis +17 at Baltimore

Minnesota +10 at Detroit

So, Jared Allen, what are your thoughts on Detroit?

“I’ll be honest, it’s gloomy, it sucks. Everything is brown and then there is snow on the ground. There’s like Brownstones everywhere and I’m like, ‘Awesome.’ I don’t know, I couldn’t do it. If I had to live in Detroit, I think I’d just drown myself in the river that was across the way.”

Just to be clear, he said everything. Don’t worry, Jared. Soon you’ll be back in the sun-kissed paradise of Minnesota soon enough.

New England -9 at Washington

Did Jason La Canfora claim that Trent Williams has failed 11 drug tests since August? If so, it must be hard to piss with all of the resin clogging his pipe. If not, LaCa needs to work on his wording.

New Orleans -4 at Tennessee

I wonder if Jared Allen has any thoughts on other NFL cities…

“There’s two cities like I don’t go out to eat or don’t do anything. It’s Detroit and New Orleans. New Orleans looks like I’m driving through a third-world country every time I get off the plane, I’m like, ‘Oh, flak jacket.’ I’m trying to get down. I’m like, ‘Ah, crap, I can’t carry my gun here. This sucks.’”

Third-world blah blah blah blah? Who the fuck doesn’t go out to eat in New Orleans? Jackass.

Philadelphia +3 at Miami

Ugh. I hate this game. It’s easy to lean towards Miami because they’ve been playing so well. Also, the Eagles are shit. That said, Vince Young is back on the bench, and Miami’s offense can’t possibly be this good.

Atlanta at Carolina +3

I don’t care how good or bad the Panthers are expected to be next year. If they don’t get Cam Newton on national television five times they are idiots.

Tampa Bay -2 at Jacksonville

On a weekend filled with games this shitty, it’s great to have NFL RedZone.

Houston +3 at Cincinnati

I still can’t wrap my head around Andy Dalton being from Texas. I always assumed that they drowned gingers at birth.

San Francisco -4 at Arizona

Oakland at Green Bay -11.5

Yes please.

Chicago +3.5 at Denver

It’s breath spray that makes you believe in God, as opposed to that ChapStick that nearly turned Tim Tebow gay.

Buffalo at San Diego -7

Now that everyone knows Norv is getting fired all of the pressure to win should be eased.

New York at Dallas -3

Much like every other Giants game, this one will likely come down to one of Eli Manning’s patented no-look fadeaway bombs that inexplicably work out more often than they don’t.

St. Louis at Seattle*

Just another reminder that ESPN is paying $15.2 billion for the right to air these games. Idiots. That kind of money could buy them 61 Albert Pujolses. Which, coincidentally, is exactly what Will Leitch believes awaits him in the afterlife.

*I still haven’t seen an active line for this game.

Have you been dreaming of fighting robots since you saw the preview for Real Steel? Well tough sh*t, because this is the closest you’re going to get. This pair of $17,000 Bionic Bopper Cars from Hammacher Schlemmer (German for “Unnecessary Purchase”) can be yours if you are over 8 years old and under 300 pounds. Once again, it sucks to be a poor obese kid.

These aren’t robots so much as they are gas powered bumper cars with arms. Still, they’re probably good for a single afternoon of drunken fun.

Last week: 6-8
Overall: 79-86-3

Philadelphia at Seattle +3

“If Andy Reid isn’t gone by the end of the weekend I’ll be shocked.” -old guy in my office

I’m with him. Let’s start firing god damn coaches already. Nothing livens up the last couple of weeks like a shitty team inexplicably playing harder under an interim coach who has zero chance of getting the job next year.

Tennessee +3 at Buffalo

It’s going to be just like the Music City Miracle only nobody will be watching. Also, no exciting ending.

Kansas City at Chicago -7

Oakland +3 at Miami

Tony Sparano’s one goal should be fucking the Dolphins out of a top-five draft pick. He’ll probably screw that up too.

Cincinnati +7 at Pittsburgh

New York Jets at Washington +3

I turned on the radio this week and the tiny people inside were wondering what would have been had the Redskins gone after Mark Sanchez instead of Brian Orakpo. I’d bet good money that they’d be 4-7.

Atlanta at Houston +1.5

Houston’s quarterback looks much different on television than he does on the books they sell at the grocery stores in predominantly black neighborhoods.

Carolina +3 at Tampa Bay

The last time the Bucs won a game Herman Cain was a viable presidential candidate. Oh god, please don’t start arguing about politics in the comments. Doing so will void any chance of a Sexy Friday post.

Denver at Minnesota -1

I’m confused. Why is everyone does everyone think that Donovan McNabb should do television?

Indianapolis at New England -21

It’s going to be pretty great when Andrew Luck’s agent tells the Colts that they shouldn’t bother drafting him. I know I’d rather sit out a year than play protege to Peyton Manning as he attempts to drag his career forward. Besides, why would the best quarterback prospect since Manning want to be the guy who follows Manning? Fuck that. Force them to trade Manning or the pick.

Baltimore -7 at Cleveland

The Ravens have been playing down to shittier teams all year. I think this is a perfectly reasonable request.

St. Louis at San Francisco -14

The 49ers will clinch a playoff berth, while the Rams will clinch their buttholes in anticipation of the ravaging.

Dallas -4.5 at Arizona

Kevin Kolb returns, no one notices.

Green Bay -7 at New York Giants

If the Giants beat the Packers will Bill Simmons spend the next five years calling it a lucky win?

Detroit at New Orleans -9

Why is Ndamukong Suh’s appeal being heard by Art Shell? Being a former offensive lineman, he should really recuse himself. Assuming the suspension isn’t magically lifted, plan on taking a drink every time they show Suh on the sideline looking like he wants to take a bite out of somebody’s head.

Jacksonville +3 at San Diego

Norv Turner: The NFL’s Buster Bluth.

Good news, assholes. Beats By Dre has unveiled the Executive edition of their crappy headphones. They’ll probably be just like the ones you’ve seen around the necks of people who aren’t actively listening to music, only now they’ll match your favorite pair of cuff links. Now I don’t want to go off on a This Week In F–k You here, but f–k you people. Especially you, Ryan Reynolds. You’re not a big enough movie star to get away with that look, even if the text ads recognize your name.

While the Executives don’t have a set price yet, I’m quite sure that whatever it is will far exceed their actual value. I beg of you, please do not buy these. And if you do, don’t wear them like a god damn necklace. Let’s pick some football games.

Last week: 6-6-1
Overall: 73-78-3

Green Bay -7 at Detroit

The Lions playing a superior team on Thanksgiving with Kevin Smith as their featured back? We’ve all seen this movie before. It’s the primary cause of mid-afternoon dining on the east coast.

Miami at Dallas -7

Miami’s recent winning streak serves no purpose other than to raise our expectations for Thanksgiving. Are we really expected to pin our hopes for a competitive game on the continued success of Matt Moore and Reggie Bush? Dear God, just put this one on at 8:20 when the old people are sleeping off their meal, and the young people are out drinking with friends from high school.

San Francisco +4 at Baltimore

Harbaugh vs. Harbaugh. All in the game, yo.

Continue after the jump for the remainder of this week’s picks.

Cleveland at Cincinnati -7

Minnesota +9.5 at Atlanta

Carolina -3.5 at Indianapolis

Tampa Bay +3 at Tennessee

Houston -3.5 at Jacksonville

Buffalo at New York Jets -8

Chicago at Oakland -4.5

Washington at Seattle -4

Denver +7 at San Diego

Pittsburgh -11 at Kansas City

New York Giants at New Orleans -7

Now let’s go eat some fucking cherpumple piecake.

Note: Lines are not up for NE/Phi or Ari/StL.