I’ve thought about it for nearly two weeks now, and I still can’t bring myself to root for either team. My wife is a Giants fan, which doesn’t really help me decide. As much as I want to avoid dealing with some weepy Super Bowl loser, I’m not convinced the alternative is any better. Either way, she’s probably going to cry.

A win for the Giants means they’ll have one more than the Redskins. A loss and Boston fans will be happy. There is no good choice here, no matter how I think about it. The only thing that makes me lean in one direction over the other is the idea of Eli having more rings than Peyton. But that’s hardly enough to make me happy about the outcome. This is why gambling is so important. All I have to do is commit to one team, and put enough money on the line to make a win satisfying.

On to the Super Bowl picks…

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Our old comrade Punte posted a fun slideshow over at his new home. David Frei, a former NFL PR man and current god of the Westminster Dog Show, compared several of this weekend’s championship game participants to breeds that will be on display the week after the Super Bowl. Some, like Victor Cruz as a Whippet (lithe and athletic) and Wes Welker as a Brittany spaniel (white-bread), were dead on, while some miss the mark entirely. The most questionable comparison was easily Eli Manning as a Border Collie. Come on, Mr. Frei. You just compared this guy to one of the smartest and most reliable breeds to ever exist. That’s bullsh*t. We could get better analysis than that from Buck Laughlin.

If Elisha is anything he’s a Cocker spaniel. I once knew a Cocker who would piss all over the floor every time somebody walked in the front door. That’s the quarterback I know. He looks pretty good from a distance, he’s not likely to bite your hand off, and he’s the product of questionable breeding practices. Just look at that dopey bastard. You can hardly even tell Flubby manipulated the image.

Speaking of dogs, the Unnecessary Purchase of the Week is this £250,000 canine condo fit for a Super Bowl champion. It’s probably nicer than your apartment, and it even has a retina scanner to keep your poor dog on the outside looking in. Ugh.

Last week: 3-1
Playoffs: 5-3

On to the picks…

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I had a TA in college who was obsessed with Rambo: First Blood Part II the way Bill Simmons obsesses over every other Sylvester Stallone movie. I had to write a paper about this piece of crap, which, if memory serves, was awful. Needless to say, the movie (and my paper) would have been ten times better if it was two hours of Eli Manning making his stink face at confused Vietnamese people.

Your Unnecessary Purchase of the Week is the stuffed panda chair designed by Fernando and Humberto Campana. I know a lot of morons look at works of modern art and piss all over them by saying their five year old could do the same thing. I truly feel that way about this chair. If you’re going to charge $85,000, I demand a chair made out of an actual giant panda. So cuddly. So endangered.

Playoffs: 2-2
Regular season: No longer relevant.

Now that the Bengals and Lions are back home, the real playoffs are ready to begin. On to the picks!

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This set of nesting knives from a company called Deglon come via the excellent Tumblr, Reasons to Go Broke. It’s over $800 for a set of four, which is a crazy amount of money to pay for any knives that aren’t world-class pieces of cutlery. I love my knives, and even the nicest one I received as a wedding present didn’t approach $200. But how do the most fickle Amazon reviewers feel about their purchase? Let’s check in with the item’s lone one-star review.

You would think that for over $800.00 they could give you the whole knife and not cut the middle out of the dang thing.

You make an excellent point, Mr. Amazon Reviewer.

Regular Season: 117-122-6

On to the playoff picks!

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Ugh, the last week of regular season football. Fantasy seasons are over, most of the games don’t matter, and even the games that are supposed to matter don’t really matter. I mean, do any neutral fans really really give a damn who wins the NFC East? Of course not. But as pointless as this week may seem, I would probably give my left nut to watch a meaningless Redskins/Eagles game this summer.

One thing I wouldn’t give a piece of my body for is this leather six-pack holder (via Uncrate, of course). You have to be a special kind of douchebag to spend $65 bucks on this kind of thing.

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You probably can’t read the tag on that bear’s paw, but it says £1900. That’s about $3000 in non-Harry Potter money for an over-sized version of the famed Harrods bear, making it the perfect Unnecessary Purchase for Christmas time (even though it’s owned by those World Cup thieving Qataris).

My wife dragged me through Harrods during an extended layover in London earlier this year, and let me say, that place is the worst. Every department is more depressing than the last. But if you want to feel really shitty about the world, head right for the children’s departments. Whether its $1100 for a three year-old’s dress or $5600 for a toy pedal car, it’s enough to make you want to occupy something. So if you’re ever in London, stay the hell away from this place. Except for the food court. Because holy sh*t, the food court, you guys!

Last week: 8-7-1
Overall: 103-108-4

One step closer to .500!

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Are you tired of burning oak like some kind of god damn hobo? Then you might want to take part in the hot new trend by ordering some designer birch firewood from Minnesota. The good stuff retails for more than $1 per pound (plus shipping), which is about what Sam Hurd pays for his weed. The best part? “I don’t have to worry about ugly wood.” Thank god. That frees up so much valuable time to worry about your NFL picks.

Last week: 9-6
Overall: 95-101-3
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Every year Neiman Marcus releases their Christmas Book to remind you that you’re hopelessly poor. One of this year’s fanciful fantasy gifts is a $45,000 ping pong table made out of rubber. According to the description, when not in use the table doubles as art. Good thing, because $45,000 seems like a lot to pay for a super bouncy ping pong table.

Last week: 7-9
Overall: 86-95-3

I’m terrible. I don’t deserve a ping pong table or art, let alone both.

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Have you been dreaming of fighting robots since you saw the preview for Real Steel? Well tough sh*t, because this is the closest you’re going to get. This pair of $17,000 Bionic Bopper Cars from Hammacher Schlemmer (German for “Unnecessary Purchase”) can be yours if you are over 8 years old and under 300 pounds. Once again, it sucks to be a poor obese kid.

These aren’t robots so much as they are gas powered bumper cars with arms. Still, they’re probably good for a single afternoon of drunken fun.

Last week: 6-8
Overall: 79-86-3
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Good news, assholes. Beats By Dre has unveiled the Executive edition of their crappy headphones. They’ll probably be just like the ones you’ve seen around the necks of people who aren’t actively listening to music, only now they’ll match your favorite pair of cuff links. Now I don’t want to go off on a This Week In F–k You here, but f–k you people. Especially you, Ryan Reynolds. You’re not a big enough movie star to get away with that look, even if the text ads recognize your name.

While the Executives don’t have a set price yet, I’m quite sure that whatever it is will far exceed their actual value. I beg of you, please do not buy these. And if you do, don’t wear them like a god damn necklace. Let’s pick some football games.

Last week: 6-6-1
Overall: 73-78-3

Green Bay -7 at Detroit

The Lions playing a superior team on Thanksgiving with Kevin Smith as their featured back? We’ve all seen this movie before. It’s the primary cause of mid-afternoon dining on the east coast.

Miami at Dallas -7

Miami’s recent winning streak serves no purpose other than to raise our expectations for Thanksgiving. Are we really expected to pin our hopes for a competitive game on the continued success of Matt Moore and Reggie Bush? Dear God, just put this one on at 8:20 when the old people are sleeping off their meal, and the young people are out drinking with friends from high school.

San Francisco +4 at Baltimore

Harbaugh vs. Harbaugh. All in the game, yo.

Continue after the jump for the remainder of this week’s picks.

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