Welcome to a Super special edition of Always Be Covering. It’s that time. It’s the Super Bowl…
She looks tasty.
Fuck.
I really wish this day had never come.
There’s no doubt that it’s a day to be celebrated, but it also reminds us of what we’ll be missing.
No, I’m not talking about the Super Bowl. I’m obviously talking about the debut of Prescription Vending Machines in the state of California.
And you thought ATM muggings were a problem…
Holy crap, this is brilliant. Now I’m not saying that I partake in the whole marijuana thing, but as a Libertarian I am quite pleased. Sure these marijuana dispensers require a prepaid card linked to a doctor’s prescription along with a fingerprint identification, but migraines seem pretty common these days. But why are they so far away?
Anyways, let’s get on to the bet of the year…
The Big Game Teaser
Both lines teased 6 points. Odds: 10/11
I don’t really feel like going back into the archives to see how many teasers I’ve lost this year, but I trust one of you fuckwads will take up the task yourselves. Yeah, teasers are crappy bets and I still don’t fucking care.
Am I some sort of expert gambler? No.
Have I won any money this season? Probably not.
Do I sound like David Lookner? Absolutely!
Alright, fuck it all. Here’s the bet…
New England -5.5 vs. New York Total Score Over 48.5
Yep, it’s that easy. Enjoy the game everybody. Oh, and don’t bother with work on Monday. That’s for the womenfolk.
So help me God, the first person who comments to tell me I got the line wrong will have the corpse of their most recently deceased relative violated in a most unseemly manor.
Welcome to a special Super Bowl Bye Week edition of Always Be Covering. Since we can’t bet on any games this week, we might as well take an early look at the all-important Super Bowl props.
Did you know that it’s illegal in New Jersey to serve a burger at any temperature south of medium? GAY! Give me rare or give me death, I always say.
Coin toss: Tails -105 vs. Heads
Fifty percent of the time, it works every time. This is quite possibly the best bet of the week.
Coin toss winner: New York -105 vs. New England -105
In the five Super Bowls won by New England and New York the eventual winner was the team that lost the coin toss. It’s science, people!
Team with longest kick return: New York -155 vs. New England +125
Is Domenik Hixon fast? Yes. Could his parents spell retard? Only if you spot them the “retar-” Does any of this matter? Just the first part.
Team to score first: New York +160 vs. New England -200
Sure, why the fuck not. I’m going to go ahead and call it as a 32 yard field goal by Lawrence Tynes.
The bonus to the above bets is that you could potentially lock all of them up within the game’s first possession, leaving you with a large sum of money to bet on the remainder of the game. Plus it’s a way to bet on the Giants without actually betting on the Giants!
Big Payday of the Week
Super Bowl MVP: Asante Samuel 15:1
Brady is the obvious favorite, but his payout doesn’t really make it worth the investment. Moss and WelKAH! may tempt some at 4:1 and 5:1 respectively, but imagine what they’d have to do to wrest the award away from the Dreamboat. That’s why I’m going to the defensive side. Well, that and Elisha of course. Sure, the mealy-mouthed little brother has been pretty fucking impressive in recent weeks, but I think we all know that he’s going to crack under the pressure like a wayward Mormon in Vegas.
Special Non-Football Pick of the Week
Australian Open Women’s Final: Ana Ivanovic vs. Maria Sharapova…
The Winner: Your Throbbing Erection!
Have a restful weekend, apparently there’s something big on the horizon. Now I’m going to go erase the image of our readership’s collective phallus with heavy doses of grain alcohol.
P.S. I think I just spoiled next week’s pick.
P.P.S. Buy a fucking t-shirt, Punter worked hard on ass kicking logo!
Welcome to another Championship edition of Always Be Covering. After last year’s spectacularly perfect wrongness the key word this week is redemption. I was 7-1 picking games in the playoffs up until this point a year ago when I took the points in both games. Of course my memories of the weekend are a bit blunted, but I bet it was like getting punched in the balls from the inside.
Well no more of that shit. This time I’m guaranteeing a Sunday sweep, or my name isn’t [REDACTED]. Seriously, you can totally hold me to it. If I lose feel free to call me at 202-555-FAKE for a full refund on your wager.
On to the picks!
Teasing the Snow Cock Into An Ironclad Winner Risking 50 to win 45.
Posing for pictures in Peter King’s yard is an annual tradition in Montclair.
Green Bay -1.5 vs. New York Green Bay and New York OVER 34.5
The only thing that gets Brett’s cock harder than playing ball in single degree weather is a cocktail of Cialis and Vicodin followed up with a Mississippi Bear Claw. In contrast, the weather will be just cold enough to cause Elisha’s testicles to retreat back into his abdomen.
There Will Be Douche Risking 50 to win 45.
You can’t let those fans out-douche me, I’m motherfucking the Marmalard!
New England -14 vs. San Diego
Marmalard and the biggest fairweather Massholes in New England in the same building? If you’re watching in HD you should be able to see a miasma of toxic douchery hovering over Gillette Stadium. It will start small with an early Chargers touchdown (no thanks to Pip) but we all know how it will end. The Pats are going to win going away, so you may as well make some money while you’re drinking yourself into a coma. With any luck you’ll wake up after the bye week. If they win without covering you might as well forget about the other side of darkness.
May your Sunday be profitable and crapulous. Go forth and wager, my children.
Dear cum drenched whore, it’s time to trim the hedges.
Welcome to a very special episode of Always Be Covering. It’s divisional playoffs weekend, which means we’re running out of time to make all the easy money we can before we blow it all on Super Bowl prop bets (DON’T FUCK THIS UP, TAILS!). In the past I’ve found that this weekend provides some of the easiest gambling opportunities of the year. So if you like money and things that are easy feel free to play along at home. Soon you too will have pockets overflowing with Shalits. On to the picks!
Caturday’s Are For Coverers, Teases
I told you this was a very special episode and I meant it. This week I’m not even going to attempt to provide rational explanations for my inherently irrational wagers. Instead, it’s an ABC/LOLNFL Mashup!
Alright, so here’s the deal. I might have fucked up pretty badly on this one. I meant to buy this teaser with a pair of hooks (an extra .5 point on the spread so as to avoid a push, and thus, a loss) but I didn’t because I’m a dumbass of epic proportions. Regardless, I’m risking 55 to win 50, and it probably won’t even matter.
Reminder: This is a teaser, so the next person to tell me I got the line wrong will be dipped head-first into a vat of Mike Holmgren’s excrement.
Getting Over On Vegas Risking 55 to win 50 for each Over/Under bet.
Jacksonville and New England OVER 49.5
San Diego and Indianapolis OVER 46.5
That’s it for this week’s picks. I wish you the best of luck and hope everyone enjoys the games. I’ll be spared from inevitable Pats win thanks to a poorly scheduled (yet unmissable) basketball game.
Welcome to the WILDCARD edition of Always Be Covering! I got lucky last week when I was unable to get my bet down on New England. The result? 3-0 in the remaining straight up bets and a surprising win on a 3-team teaser. Damn, Week 17 rules. Oh well, we’re on to the playoffs now and this is where shit gets tight like underage vagina.
The Maj is young, Jewish, and fabulous.
As if you couldn’t tell after two years of the MOST guaranteed football picks on the planet, I am a fucking (non-Germanic) wunderkind. And I’m not just about identifying winners in practically HALF of the games I pick, it also extends into the world of fantasy. You may remember a certain Big Daddy briefly mentioning his abject failure in the finals of the Yahoo!!! Blogxperts league, but what’s really important was that it was I that kicked his big old hairy ass. It wasn’t just a victory for me, but for all of the other beautiful youngsters out there. So feel free to join me in a quick celebration…
YEAH! LET’S FUCKIN’ ROCK! WHO WANTS TO SEE SOME FUCKIN’ PICKS?! DO YOU? I CAN’T HEAR YOU! WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Oh shit, I think I’m a bit too jacked up for this, hang on…
ahhhhhhh, back in business.
On to the Wildcard picks! Each wager is for an even fifty (just like the one pictured above, only less numb).
Washington +3.5 at Seattle
My Redskins aren’t the team of destiny that all of the shitbreath analysts are making them out to be, but they sure as hell can hang with the ass-spelunking Seahawks. Joe Gibbs and Mike Holmgren will each be given an extra five timeouts to ensure that they don’t fuck things up too royally.
Jacksonville -3 at Pittsburgh
There’s an ancient Chinese proverb that reads, “Always bet heavy on the hot team entering the playoffs.” Then there’s the ancient Korean proverb that reads, “Hines Ward is super terrific number one football!” At first I was torn, then I remembered that Koreans don’t know dick about the NFL.
New York Giants +3 at Tampa Bay
You want a real rush? Bet on Elisha in the playoffs.If you’ve ever had an aneurysm you know what I’m talking about. FEEL THE EXCITEMENT PULSING IN YOUR CEREBELLUM!
San Diego -10 vs. Tennessee
Hey, I remembered to pick a home team! They tend to do fairly well in the post season if I’m not mistaken. Jeff Fisher and Jon Gruden should get a special ribbon for trying really really hard every year.
There you have it people, the locks of the week. Here’s what I’ll be doing with my winnings…
Enjoy the magical weekend everyone. I’ll be taking you through it all over at Deadspin.
ed. note: I have no clue what’s going to happen this weekend, so just pretend that I made this picks on Xanax. Yes…pretend.
This is the Maj reporting LIVE from a cubicle with limited internet connectivity! Fortunately the email system operates on a different server, so I can still get my picks to you, the gullible masses.
Whore
Welcome to the final regular season edition of Always Be Covering. It’s week 17 and that means it’s time for the true coverers to earn their coffee. Lots of playoff teams are going to be resting their starters (bitches) so some of the games are going to be total crap shoots, but if I let that stop me then I never would have become such an amazing craps player. So join me for a few rolls of the dice, just don’t crap out on us. On to the picks!
New England -13.5 at New York Giants
ed. note: The Maj is out of town this weekend and thus he was unable to place this bet in time, which is cool because it saved him 50 bucks.
All that stands between the Patriots and regular season perfection is Eli “Double Yellow” Manning.
Jesus.Buttfucking.Christ.
This is going to happen people, there’s really no way around it. Finally I’ll be able to use that fallout shelter I built before Y2K. Sadly it’s little more than a hole in the ground filled with Little Debbie Oatmeal Crème Pies and hardcore Estonian pornography (don’t let the cherubic smile fool you, Debbie is down with the filthy stuff).
Tennessee -4.5 at Indianapolis
Jim Sorgi’s heart only beats between three and five times per minute. Once the playoffs are over he’s going to be an understudy in the summer stock rendition of Nosferatu.
Chicago +1 vs. New Orleans
Who knows when I’ll every be able to bet on Kyle Orton again? Perhaps not until he retires to found the Professional Flip Cup Association with Chris Cooley and Ben Roethlisberger
San Diego -8.5 at Oakland
JaMarcus is making his first career start and the Chargers still have something left to play for. LaDanian should be sitting by halftime which should leave plenty of time for Michael Turner to break the single game rushing record.
Alright everybody, enjoy the last weekend of regular season football for a really long fucking time. Savor it people, you won’t get to see the Panthers and Falcons for another nine months. By the time that comes around you could have a kid! So remember, watch a lot of football and keep a wire hanger on hand…just in case.
You’re telling me I’m allowed to bet as much as I want against this guy?
Welcome to the Week 16 edition of Always Be Covering. This is a special week, not because of any “real” games, but because fantasy leagues all over the world will be crowing their champions. I’ve been fortunate (GENIUS!) enough to reach the finals in two of my three leagues, so this week I’ll have the pleasure of beating the shit out of Drew and winning some actual money. Seeing as how I’m paying $200 for the money league I thought it would be appropriate to spread an equal amount over a handful of the tastiest NFL offerings.
It’s been a bit of a long week what with the launch of 35 Seconds, assisting on a move, and the occasional bit of actual work (time permitting) so I didn’t waste time with any of that silly research. On to the picks!
Each wager is for $50.
Green Bay -9 vs. Chicago
The Packers have only dropped two games against the spread and Kyle Orton throws footballs the way primates fling feces…assuming said primates are drunk and/or retarded. Speaking of which, how come you don’t see more mentally challenged monkeys? I bet they’d be fun to have around, for a while at least.
Buffalo +3 vs. New York Giants
Speaking of retarded primates, how ’bout that Eli Manning!
Indianapolis -7 vs. Houston
I have absolutely nothing to say about this game, so here’s a video that came up on a YouTube search for “retarded monkey.”
It’s like the Manning family in some sort of alternate reality!
Washington +6.5 vs. Minnesota
Y’know, Tarvaris Jackson with 6.5 points is like a mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it! No Rocky McIntosh for the Redskins, but that just means more H.B. Blades, and you can never have too much H.B. Blades. You’ve gotta love the Blades family, they’re like the Spinks’ of football.
Enjoy Week 16 everyone, now I’m going to go to bed so I can start dreaming about Levance Fields and Dejuan Blair.
No crazy stripper wife of mine is gonna wear a t-shirt. I’ll hold the money while you go change into that classy new outfit I bought your ass.
Ah yes, that’s my good little whore.
What a fucking week! Further proof that you don’t actually need to know what week it is to successfully wager on events of a sporting nature. All it takes is a little know-how, a weed habit, and enough pent up sexuality to fill the up all of the reservoirs from Adamsville to the battlefield. Let’s take a look at my unprecedented windfall.
This started off on Saturday night with a non-football bet (always a good way to go). $50 on Floyd Mayweather to win by knockout at 3.7/1 netted me $185 heading into Sunday’s game. You’d have to be either English or retarded to bet on Hatton, or in extreme cases, both.
leave it to those wacky UK dwellers to tilt the odds by dropping 20 million euros/pounds/quid/eel pies on Fat Ricky.
A tidy record of 5-2 in the single bets at $20 a piece (plus an an extra $30 on the Texans) made me feel smart. Like, Asian smart.
To top all of it off I nailed my 3-team parlay like it was Jodie Foster on a pinball machine. That $31 investment resulted in a payoff of $195 .
EIGHT UNITS MOUNTAIN FRONT!
Of course this is a new week and my month without masturbation has come finally come to an end. I think there might be something left in the tank, but obviously the money shot has already come and gone. Oh well, let’s see what else we can squeeze out of the season…on to the picks! ————————————————— The Lucky Number Singles Risking 45 to win 41 on each game
Cincinnati -9 vs. San Francisco
Want to know how shitty the NFL has become? The Bengals are giving nine fucking points. Can you throw a ten-yard spiral without looking like an effeminate limp-wristed pussy then come on down to the 49ers open tryout! Ah hell, the ferries can come too.
Green Bay -9 vs. San Francisco St. Louis
This time next week the Rams are going to be experimenting with Bernie Lomax under center. He’s had fewer drugs in his system than this week’s opponent and a tad more brain activity than Gus Frerotte.
Yeah, I love the number nine, and I’ve been drinking. —————————————————
The Road Dog Parlay ft. Atlanta “We’re Pissed and Ecstatic!” Falcons Risking 25 to win 135
Buffalo +6 vs. Cleveland Jacksonville +2.5 vs. Pittsburgh Atlanta +14 vs. Tampa Bay
It’ll never happen. Seriously, we’re just as likely to see Brett Favre’s retirement and Jesus Christ’s comeback. ————————————————— The I Have No Faith In That Other Parlay Parlay Risking 60 to win 160
Indianapolis -11 vs. Oakland Buffalo +6 vs. Cleveland
But I really do like Buffalo for some reason. ————————————————— The Other Bet Bet Risking 50 to win 45.45
Seattle -8 vs. Carolina
Actual Analysis Alert: The Panthers are 1-5 ATS at home. Yeah, and Vinny Testaverde like old and shit!
“He doesn’t have a particular injury or anything,” [Panthers Coach John] Fox said. “Just the wearing of the game.”
Your quarterback is questionable with a case of aging. Doctors fear that it could be terminal. I’d stick around, but I want to get some sleep before my early morning lingerie money fight.
Who am I kidding? They don’t start until I get there.
“I’m staying at a hotel and it doesn’t have a 13th floor ’cause of superstition. But c’mon, people on the fourteenth floor, you know what floor you’re really on. If you jump out of the fourteenth floor window hoping to kill yourself, you will die earlier.”
Welcome to the Week 13 edition of Always Be Covering. I’m feelin’ lucky!
I didn’t really know which games to pick out this weekend but I knew i wanted to make a big push. After carefully evaluating this week’s offerings (drunkenly staring at the lines for ten minutes) I decided to throw down on everything except for the Patriots game. Those fuckers are not to be trusted under any circumstance.
The Singles
Sure, a 14 team parlay would have been pretty fucking in tents, but I had to break things up a little bit because I’m a big ole pussy. All singles bets are for $20
New Orleans -4.5 vs. Atlanta
Chris Redman is starting for the Falcons this week, unless Arthur Blank can find a more promising option hanging out in front of his local Home Depot at 5 am on game day.
Arizona +7 vs. Seattle
The other night my uncle fell asleep on the Metro and woke up at the end of the line. Then he got on the next train going back in the other direction and he passed out again. He didn’t want me to tell anybody for fear of the entire family calling him a fucking retard at the next gathering, so keep it on the downlow. In other news, I have no opinion to offer on this game.
Houston +3 vs. Tampa Bay
I have no idea why I bet on Houston so much but what the fuck, it’s Chanoookah-ha and everything’s coming up gimmel for Sage Rosenfels.
St. Louis +7 vs. Cincinnati
Everything is backwards!!!
That was the only scene in the entire movie that didn’t make me want to repeatedly stab Tom Green in the throat with a corkscrew.
The Lou > The Nati
New York Giants +3 vs. Philadelphia
Whatever
Buffalo -7 vs. Miami
Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but Miami is no good at everything.
Jacksonville -11 vs. Carolina
Sports Illustrated thinks Carolina is poised for a Super Bowl run. How have they not hired Mike Florio yet?
Tease Me So Good
All games have been teased 6 points from their original line. If you post a comment saying I got one of these lines wrong I’m going to shove a jug of Carlo Rossi up your fucking rectum, handle and all. The wager is 30 to win 90.
Dallas -5.5 vs. Detroit
The only question is whether or not the Cowboys can actually make Kitna shit himself on the field.
Green Bay -5 vs. Oakland
Ten years from now Peter King will tell us all about Brett’s post-game hot dog (no foot-longs, they make him uncomfortable). Then he’ll retroactively award Favre the Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his role in Something About Mary.
Minnesota -3 vs. San Francisco
Purple Jesus thrives during the holiday season. San Francisco would rather be decorating.
Indianapolis -4 vs. Baltimore
God damn, them Ravens looked downright tough last week. Coach Billick has had plenty of time to get that out of their systems.
Ass Kicking Parlay of the Week
This is the bet that could set up my account for the playoffs, at which point I will lose in stunning fashion. Risking 31 to win 195.
San Diego -1.5 vs. Tennessee
LaDanian > Vince > Pip
Cleveland -3.5 vs. New York Jets
Mangini rather enjoys a mouth full of Horse Balls.
Denver -7 vs. Kansas City
Fuck, I’m gonna lose.
Happy Hanukkah everybody!
It’s been brought to my attention that this is actually Week 14. Apparently I confused myself by not writing ABC last week and now this week’s makes no sense. To that I have one thing to say…
Welcome to a special Thanksgiving edition of Always Be Covering! Simply put, Thanksgiving is the greatest thing to ever happen. Sure, giving thanks is totally gay and nobody in their right mind would want to sit around a stuffy table occupied by all the people you hate most in the world (family). That’s why the wise Indian spirit handed football to the white man, who then lateralled it back slathered in smallpox. Now we’re left with the modern incarnation of Thanksgiving, a buffet style meal in front of the television. It’s light on the thanks and heavy on the action.
For the second straight year the NFL is treating us with a full day of games starting with a post-Turkey Bowl 12:30 kickoff and culminating long after the tryptophan and Franzia has knocked you out cold like that first girl you ever fucked (maybe if she wasn’t so protective of her “toy collection” you wouldn’t have had to drug her). Of course the three games are partly awful with an 80% chance of total awfulness, regardless, point spreads (and point totals) are the universal equalizer. If you think it’s boring to watch Indy leading Atlanta 35-6 in the fourth quarter than you probably don’t have your mortgage payment on the over. Don’t make this mistake people I urge you to wager with reckless abandon, it’s what Pocahantes would have wanted (that and British cock in her mouth).
Before we get on to the picks, here’s the commercial that inspired the headline.
Hey, I actually won my bets last week! I’m on fire like Wayman Tisdale in NBA Jam (speaking of which, if you want to reminisce over the halcyon days of the NBA in the early 90’s you should check out the original NBA Jam rosters). So we’ve got three games to pick for tomorrow and I’m sticking with last week’s format. For the purposes of the post I’ve placed $25 on each of the games; I’ll wear assless chaps in Dupont Circle before I lay another teaser.*
*not true
Detroit +3.5 vs. Green Bay
Betting on Detroit on Thanksgiving: 10% of the time it works every time. But hey, if I root for the Packers all day I’ll be puking long before I have the opportunity to cram my patented dinner of mashed potatoes, stuffing, sweet potatoes, turkey, salmon, pumpkin pie, and scotch into my gullet. The over/under on the number of minutes I spend in the shitter is significantly higher than the over/under on total running plays.
Full disclosure: Calvin Johnson and Roy Williams make me question my very manhood.
Dallas -14.5 vs. New York Jets
Every fucking year I have to watch those Dallas bitches play during my meal, so I might as well get something out of it. By this point I’ll be so blitzed on zinfandel I won’t even be surprised when Wade and Mangina reach through the television and begin eating off of my plate.
Indianapolis -12.5 vs. Atlanta
I don’t care if Marvin plays. I don’t even care if Peyton plays. There is no way Indianapolis doesn’t win by two touchdowns. I’d almost go so far as to say I’d forgo masturbation for am month if they failed to do so…but that would be silly.
Have a happy Thanksgiving and be sure to give your family a bit “Fuck you” from the Gay Mafia.
p.s. I’d be remiss if I didn’t let you readers know that after a week and a half without masturbation I’m still going strong (sex helps…a lot). Still, any time I see a hot piece of ass my hand practically begs me to let it go down Mexico way. So aside from the visual and auditory hallucinations I’m fit as a fucking fiddle.
