YouTube user Nintenfox has posted this gripping odyssey of how his NFL mini-football helmet collection came to be. It’s a sordid labyrinth of a tale, so let’s break it down nice and slow:

0:02 Wise choice in presentation: a jumbled mass shoved in the middle of a table – truly an eye catching array. If nothing else, this kid has a future in retail merchandising design!

0:09 “Advid” fans of the NFL and football are advised to buy. That rules me out, I love the NFL, but I can’t freakin’ stand football.

0:19 A gumball machine at Kmart? Surely you jest, sir. Such pristine treasures should only be discovered nestled inside a Faberge egg.

0:31 At this point, I’m 95% certain this fellow’s allegiances lie with a team from either the AFC North or the NFC South.

0:44 Fifty bucks? Are you shitting me? That’s fifty dollars that could have gone into the college fun– Oh yeah. Never mind.

0:50 The rarities: Colts, Giants and Falcons.

1:06 “My Browns”!!! YahtZEEE!!!

1:15 Ollie is charging a dollar?!? What a fucking prick.

1:30 So there I was in the foyer at Kmart, fumbling for change when… ooh! Buffalo was hard to get to.

1:40 Did he just suggest that people who like collecting helmets should collect these helmets? My mind is blown.

2:00 “Thanks for watching my video. I’m going to put these back in the shoebox I keep under my bed.”