I thought we’d be a bit short on quality submissions this week, then the reminder went up and we were slammed with dozens of emails. Obviously I couldn’t include all of them, but thanks to those of you who sent in questions. Especially those that didn’t suck. Let’s get started…

Dear KSK,

I’ve emailed the ‘bag before, as the “Is the finger in the butt during a bj ok?” guy.

Of course, nice to hear from you again.

That issue is in the past, and a new one has come to the forefront. What is the policy on consistently banging a chick that has a kid? I’m all of 24, and don’t have the slightest bit of interest in becoming a father/father figure for a very long time. However, this girl is very hot and I can actually put up with her for more than 30 minutes at a time. But whenever I’m around, I’m forced to hang out with a 3-year-old that I don’t want any part of. Should I just quit being a heartless pussy and suck it up?

If she’s bringing you around her kid then she’s probably more serious about the relationship than you are. Talk to her about the situation and find out where she stands. It’s entirely possible that she has zero interest in you as a father-figure for her child, in which case you’re free to keep seeing her without the pressure of playing that role. However, if you aren’t comfortable being around the kid at all, regardless of your role, then you should probably move on for everyone’s benefit. Surely you can find another potential mate whose presence you can tolerate.

And I’m torn between starting LaToe or Mendenhall. LT has the tougher matchup, while Mendenhall is now sharing with WillieToe Parker (see what I did there?)

-Andrew

This is easy enough. LaDainian has been crap all year and he goes up against Denver’s defense this week. Start Mendenhall against the Browns and don’t waste another minute mulling it over. Parker will get some carries, but not enough to warrant benching Mendenhall.

Finest Gentlemen on the Internet,

I have probably somehow the biggest pile of wide receiver crap in fantasy history (Berrian, Driver, Wallace, Moore) and I have to start 3 of these stiffs per week. I am ok at RB w/Forte, Bradshaw and the Gore/Coffee Combo (start 2). I have had a trade proposed to me where I would receive Bowe and Moreno for the San Fran duo. Would you pull the trigger?

Do it. Bowe immediately becomes your second best wide receiver, and he has plenty of room to improve this season.

Also, I have in a wedding this weekend any recommendations to score a little tail?

Single girls at a wedding want to get laid as badly as you do, so be prepared. Have a few drinks, but don’t get drunk. Make the rounds at the reception and be sociable with everyone. Then identify the best target and move in with some champagne. If she’s at all receptive to your advances then you’re going to have to do a little dancing. If you have skills, then good for you, dick. Otherwise grab another drink and try to maintain your confidence, even if feel like an asshole.

For further information on bagging a coveted bridesmaid check in with our friends at Holy Taco.

Thanks

High Council of Dickheadery,

Fantasy first: I’ve got a WR and a flex spot open this week, with the following possibilities: D Mason, S Rice, M Manningham, S Morris, C Taylor. Mason’s donut last week helped me to a 4-point loss, my first of the fucking season, so I feel like I’ve gotta bench him. I’m leaning towards Rice and Morris, but am not nearly overwhelmed by either option. What do I do?

Oh that’s a fucking crapshoot. Don’t bench Mason just because he’s coming off of a bad week, that’s how you wind up getting burned twice in a row. Morris is going to get consistent touches (19 last week) without Fred Taylor around, so I’d stick with him at the flex.

Now sex. I’m a senior at a good. small college with infamously unattractive girls. I’ve done fairly well myself, but in a place where girls look like they’re Steelers fans and where every guy is not only smart but is most likely an athlete, it can get rough even for a former football player like myself.

That’s an oddly douchey revelation.

Now I’ve got two girls this semester who I like and think are potential slampigs.

Oh, now I get it. You are a douche.

Girl A is younger, more attractive (short girl, was a dancer, grade A teetahs, funny), but is definitely a relationship type and girl B is a much MUCH less attractive senior who would be good for a fling but that’s about it. Oh ye Gurus of the Gay Mafia, to which of the two should I direct my time and effort? Time is of the essence.

Butterpants

Oh how I hate questions like this. Is it such a bad thing that Girl A is a “relationship” type? I understand that you may not be actively looking for a relationship, but if the options at your college are so limited then perhaps spending time and having sex with somebody you like isn’t the worst thing in the world. If you really are trying to avoid a relationship then why not just go after both? You’re in college, I’m pretty sure that’s allowed.

KSK,

Fantasy: 5 mediocre receivers (Eddie Royal vs SD, Torry Holt vsSTL, J.Maclin vs. Oak, Nate Washington vs NE, Anotnio Bryant vs Car) I can start 3, PPR league.

Philly spreads the ball around so much that you never can tell who is going to put up the numbers. Maclin exploded last week while DeSean Jackson didn’t do shit. Royal and Bryant are the two safest plays, after that it’s anybody’s guess. Holt will always be good for points, but he still hasn’t scored this season. Fuck it, play Maclin and hope Nnamdi Asomugha locks in on Jackson.

Sex: Do you believe that there is a difference between first degree and second degree cheating? I think that if you are going out of your way to meet up with another girl while you are married/have a girlfriend (premeditated or first degree cheating) it is inexcusable. However, a drunken hook-up or something of that nature, where you didn’t call the girl before hand and wouldn’t call her again (not premeditated, or second degree cheating) while wrong, shouldn’t destroy a relationship. Thoughts?

Whether or not there is a difference (of course there is, it’s similar to the difference between first-degree murder and voluntary manslaughter) it all depends on your significant other and your particular relationship. For a lot of girlfriends/wives (and boyfriends/husbands for that matter) cheating in either form is a deal-breaker, while other couples might be able to work things out over time.

KSKers,

Fantasy first: I’ve got Drew Brees and Joey Flacco on my fantasy team. Which one do I bench this week? vs. the Giants and vs. the Vikings if you don’t want to look offhand.

Brees.

Sex? Well if you say so…:

-TankGal

Oh lord, that’s hot. God damn, I wish I had some advice to offer but my brain seems to have stopped working.

You know what? Fuck your boss. That guy sounds like a dick.

KSK,

Fantasy: bye-week replacement at WR–Maclin @Oakland, Clayton @Min, Caldwell vs Hou

Maclin.

Sex: this girl i met two weeks ago made out with me at the bar after our first ‘date’, gave it up on our second (involving, to her infinite credit, coordinated thigh high socks AND matching black underwear).

Good combination. Lofty combination.

k whatever–she ALSO revealed that she is quote, “kinda really into Ren Faires”

Who the fuck is Ren Faires? Sounds French.

/Googles

Oh.

(going so far as to purchase an ‘Elizabethan Riding Gown’ that involved leather lace) and also reads “way too many romance novels”. should i flee in terror? her butt is quite comfortable and she has a delightful rack.

-RD

Nah, let’s wait and see how this one plays out. But I’m warning you, that rack better be every bit as delightful as you say.

KSK,

Screwed Twice in Texas

Don’t blame Del Rio, blame Walker for getting his dick wet after curfew.

KSK,

FF: I have Schaub, Ben, and Brady in a league where passing TDs are worth 4 and 25 yards is one point. Is it reasonable for me to offer Brady for Dallas Clark to replace John Carlson. Receiving TDs are worth 6 and 10 yards is one point. The other owner turned down a trade of Ben for Kevin Smith this past Saturday, though he does need a QB.

Don’t sell low on Brady, especially if it’s just to upgrade your tight end situation. As Ufford notes, Carlson’s numbers should improve with the Hass back in the saddle. If you are desperate for a new tight end maybe try packaging Schaub and Carlson.

Sex: I am 26 and finally moving out of my parents house. I am hoping to have sex in the apartment I move into. What should I do to accommodate potential lady friends in my new place/bedroom with it’s own bathroom?

- orange line

Good question. For this answer we’re going to bring in the female perspective…

“I had a guy roommate once who was ridiculously clean and tidy. Our apartment was impeccably decorated and his bed was always made. It was creepy. Women he brought home always reacted with raised eyebrows. Some thought he was gay. All of them were a little uncomfortable. Women expect a guy’s apartment to be in some sort of disarray. It makes you cute and a little pathetic, and it automatically makes us want to fix it.

That being said, there are a few things to keep in mind. First of all, make sure there are no razor clippings or manscaping leftovers in the bathroom. Aside from the visual proof that you often miss the seat, nothing is a bigger turn off. And while you’re at it, make sure there’s extra TP and a trash can in there. The place doesn’t have to be crazy clean, but keep the trash in the trash can. Oh, and clean sheets. A darker color will ensure that if you’re behind in the laundry it won’t be obvious (just watch the man juice stains). Keep a bottle of red wine around in case you bring home a classier girl (make sure you have at least two wine glasses), and always be able to offer water suitable for drinking. Oh, and keep the condoms handy, but not out. Women know that you’ve been with other women, they don’t need the visual reminder.”

Damn, the female perspective sure is wordy. Regardless, it’s damn good advice.

KSK,

Fantasy: half point per reception league, otherwise standard scoring. start 1 QB, 3 WR, 2 RB, 1 Flex. Should I sell high on Ronnie Brown and trade him and LeSean McCoy for Larry Fitzgerald? I already have Randy Moss, Megatron, Sims-Walker, and Lance Moore at wideout, and if I traded those 2 RBs it would leave me with only Pierre Thomas, Ray Rice, and Donald Brown at RB. I’m leaning towards doing the deal, especially with my big 3 wideouts’ bye weeks still coming up and Megatron looking like he won’t play this week. What do you think?

Don’t load up on elite wide receivers at the expense of your running backs. You do not want to leave yourself with Thomas, Rice, and Brown for the rest of the season. Keep that roster balanced.

Sex: My friend’s crazy girlfriend wants to set me up with one of her friends, who I presume is crazy as well. I figure there’s no harm in meeting her, but do you have any tried and true tips on dealing with crazy broads?

-MC

Go out on the date and maintain an open mind. If she does turn out to be as crazy as you expect then walk away and don’t look back.

KSK boys,

First, Fantasy in the form of trade help. I hold TO and Felix Jones. I have been offered a trade for TJ Houshmadaddy and Ricky Williams. Do I hold on to TO and hope he starts producing, or give him a cya? I really don’t want to let Felix the Cat go either, but worry about him getting-staying healthy. (I have him fingercuffed with Barber in this league cause suprise I thought it would be he who would be injury prone) I am undefeated in this league so far, so I am tempted to just keep things the way they are…

Stay where you are. Barber is an injury risk so you’ll want to have Felix available when he goes down. Ricky will have fewer opportunities to carry the bulk of the load than Jones.

Next, Sex. My guy and I live together, been together a bit and sex life is great. He travels out of town about twice a month for a weekend

Which weekend?

and during that time I am always good about sending him dirty texts or pictures while he is away and he loves it.

Oh, I thought you were going in a different direction there.

I just can’t get him to reciprocrate! He is a great guy, and is plenty un-shy and vocal when we are in the flesh, but won’t send me a pic of the meat to save his life. How the hell do I get him to play along? I think he is afraid to send me something I won’t like, but in the situation I don’t have him….I’d be happy with anything dirty he would send me. Help…

-C

Make it plainly evident how deeply you crave his cockmeat. If he’s still reticent it might be out of fear of what you’d do with the pictures if you two were to break up.

KSK,

FANTASY: I’ve got some interesting choices for Week 6 and I want your advice. Non-PPR, pick 2 RB’s (CJ @NE, Rice-a-roni @MIN, Portis vs. KC, Pierre vs. the G-Men), 2 WR (Roddy vs. Da Bears, Avery @Jac, Braylon vs. the Buffaloes, Bryant vs. CAR, Mason @MIN, Burleson vs. Zona) plus a runner up for the flex spot. At this point I figure Portis and Roddy are the two must plays, CJ and Pierre are probables, but I don’t like their matchups. I’m leaning towards Braylon, but Avery is tempting (coming off his best week against a team Burleson destroyed last week). Thoughts?

For the backs I say go with Johnson and Portis (he’s been hugely disappointing this year, but he’s had a ton of success against the Chiefs). As far as the wide receivers go, I’d play Roddy and Braylon.

SEX: I’m a workaholic and I haven’t tried to use my limited skills with the ladies recently, but I may be moving to a new city for work where I won’t know anybody and I’d like to hit the ground running, lest I become a total shut-in. I figure I should get out there and wet my feet (and something else) before I leave. Any advice on how to overcome the lack of time, energy and recent experience to succeed here before I succeed there?

If you’re too busy to socialize properly then you should try to meet women at places you frequent regularly, like the grocery store or a coffee shop. And try to not put too much pressure on yourself to meet somebody immediately.

*Insert stupid nickname here*

Howie

How redundant.

Welcome back for another week of the Fantasy Football and Sex Advice Mailbag. This week we’re dispensing advice on such topics as porn guilt (nonsense), riding the Hershey highways (again), and the appropriateness of telling the object of your affection exactly how closely she resembles a porn star…after the jump.

Hey KSK:

My wife and I have been married for 13 years. We have two young children now, and as you’d expect, our sex life is down to a minimum. I’m luck to get a quick ‘get-it-over-with’ doggy style session once or twice a month. Internet porn is filling the gap for now. I’m particularly fond of watching FFM threeways. (No chance I’ll ever participate in one however.) The problem is that I’ve started having a recurring nightmare in which my wife gets railed by two guys with cocks the size of tree stumps. I wake up in a cold sweat, all angry and pissed off, and when she asks what’s wrong I have to make up some other bullshit. Do you think it’s some sort of guilt complex that is causing this? Should I stop looking at internet porn? Could there be a reverse effect, as in watching MMF theeways online, and then maybe having a FFM dream starring me?

If you’re only having sex once a month then there is no reason to stop watching porn. There is nothing to feel guilty about, and if the dreams about your wife continue then it probably means she really is getting double-teamed John Henry and Paul Bunyan. Part of you already knows it, and this is your subconscious’s way of bringing it to the surface. I’ll bet you wish you’d never asked.

As for football, should the Falcons open the vault and go after Haynesworth, or should they look for D line help in the draft?

Confused guy in Canada

The Falcons do have quite a bit of room under the cap, but I’m not sure they’ll be too eager to throw around the kind of money it will take to get Haynesworth. They’ve already committed a lot of money to the d-line with John Abraham’s contract, and they’d be wise to build around him rather than bringing in a big free agent. Unfortunately the defensive tackle crop in this year’s draft is a bit slim.

Dear Sirs,

Interesting fantasy question for you. Keeper league, lose the pick where you drafted the player the year before. I’ve kept Adrian Peterson for 2 years and lost my 3rd round pick. But I signed Chris Johnson as a free agent last year, if I keep him I’d lose my 16th round pick. Snake draft, I think I have the 7th (postseason loser’s bracket determines the non playoff team draft order. I know, terrible idea. But they’re good friends so I stay in the league) pick. Keep AD and lose my 3rd rounder or Chris Johnson and lose my 16th?

Oh shit, that’s a tough spot. Peterson is as close to a sure thing as there is in fantasy right now, but it’s hard to overlook the value of getting one of the league’s most promising backs for next to nothing. Fuck, nobody told me this would be hard! Fuck it, keep Johnson and pray that PJ breaks or tears something important.

Brian

Only you can ever know if you’re settling. So ignore your douchebag friends and try asking yourself what kind of future you want. If you’re dream is to be fucking Eastern European call girls/sex slaves well into your fifties then you probably shouldn’t settle.

Dear Homosexual Cosa Nostra

So, I have a close friend who I think I may be picking up the “More than just friends” vibe from. She is probably one of my best female friends, if not the best one. She likes to drink like a fish, has a very conducive sense of humor to mine, and since this is one of my favorite sites you can kind of understand what that would be, and enjoys watching sports and other favorite television programs which I will not list here for fear of humiliations (on rhymes with cost). She is also gorgeous. The thing is recently I feel like I have been picking up a vibe that she wants more than just friendship. We have been hanging out for years but as of recently she has been inviting me to do more one on one stuff such as dinners, going to family functions and the like. This may or may not have been started when I invited her to Thanksgiving. She likes Asian guys, I am white, but the body type of the guys she dates is very similar to mine which is closest on a football field to a fullback. In the past, I have tried to date friends and when either rejected or things fall apart we agree to “stay friends” but things are always kind of awkward and avoidant. My question is, is there any possible way to investigate the sexual possibilities while still preserving the friendship or once I make my move has that ship completely sailed?

Yes, it’s called alcohol. The two of you need to get drunk (and/or stoned) and jump into that shallow pool head-first. And fuck, even if you do ruin the friendship it will probably be worth it.

John John The Bastard

HORSEBALLS!

KSK,

Sex: I don’t really have a question for this. I’m in a loving, stable relationship. So….got any good porn you wanna share?

You can’t just ask a guy to share his porn with you. Porn is a deeply personal thing, and frankly, I don’t know you well enough to tell you the kind of shit I’m in to.

Football: I’m a Panthers fan. What are the chances that next season won’t end with a drunken rage like this year?

-Will

Delhomme’s still in town and Peppers is on his way out. At least next year they won’t string you along with a playoff appearance. Feel free to fly into a drunken rage after the season ends during Week 17.

KSK:

I’ll set the over/under at 24 games. They should probably be replacing the thoroughly useless Robert Gallery through the draft, but in the first round they’ll be distracted by a shiny wide receiver. Jeremy Maclin is an obvious choice, but if Darrius Heyward-Bey lights up the combine he could be tempting for the Raiders to jump at.

Thanks,
ITS NOW OR NEVER

A reader sent us a sprawling email on this exact topic, but of course it’s way too graphic to even consider posting. At this point it all depends on how your girlfriend feels about the process. Believe it or not, some girls don’t consider anal to be an overly romantic sexual act. Put out a feeler, and don’t stop until she tells you. And remember, if she’s giggling while saying stop she doesn’t really mean it. If she’s crying then she’s probably serious.

Howdy Boys,

But 1st a football question, its two-parter With Anquan Boldin being unhappy in Arizona, what are the chances he get traded and if so, do you see the Eagles trying for him, maybe giving up a combination of Lito Sheppard and/or one of the two 1st round picks they have? If they land him, I think it makes them instant contenders in the NFC next year.

The proposed trade could be mutually beneficial, but I’m not sold on Anquan leaving town just yet. He can bitch and moan all he wants, but give him a couple of months without Todd Haley screaming at him and he might ease up on his stance. If Fitzy is serious about giving up some money to keep ‘Quan the Eagles will have to keep shopping for a receiver. In free agency there’s still Housh, and…well yeah, just Housh.

Now the part the people read for. So, I’ve been a dry spell for a while, approximately my whole 22 year long life…Yeah, I’m a V-Card holder still. And with Valentine’s day approaching, I’m thinking I could end my drought, except for the fact that I’ve been hanging out/going out with a girl for a few weeks now. She seems into me, but nothing has really happened between us yet. I’ve tried to make a move a few times, but she’s always shrugged me off. My questions is, do I go out and try to pick up a girl on Valentine’s day and possibly make an ass out of myself because I don’t know what I’m doing, or do I stick with the girl and see if something more develops and take the chance of missing out on the lonely Valentine’s day girls?

Thanks guys,

-Mike in Philly

Girls who are all alone on Valentine’s Day aren’t out looking to score some virgin cock, they’re pining over their lack of a soul mate. You don’t want to have anything to do with that shit.

Dear all knowing douchebag I mean mail bag,

First the sex my best friend is sleeping with my roommates ex girlfriend while I have no problem with this my roommate would be pissed if he knew what our mutual friend was doing. Is it wrong to allow this am I breaking guy code because I have no problem with any of my friends banging my ex’s and also no problem with my buddy banging my roommates ex?

This has nothing to do with you, so it’s best to just stay the fuck out of it.

For Football I am in a 10 team league that was for a small amount of money. For next season I want to up the entrance fee for the league. It is currently at $20 and I want to up it too $100 the commish is worried it will scare people away how do I convince him without calling him a pussy?

Thanks guys looking forward to your answers.

Ken

Remind the pussy that a $100 entry breaks down to $6.25 per week for a 16 week fantasy season. Then call him a pussy again.

Sirens of the Dick Joke,

I know you’re thinking: stop being a pussy and just talk to her. But remember – since I’m staff, I’m technically not allowed to date any of the students (don’t worry, I’m 25 so it’s not like I’d be pulling the creepy old man card).

Well does she work with you, is she a student, or is she both? Fuck it, it’s college, ask her out the next time you have somewhere worth taking her and just wait for her to start rubbing up against you.

Will

No and no.

Fellow Assholes -

I know it wasn’t actually her, because the porn star’s tits were too big, but I’m not gonna lie, it really did it for me. I guess the question is, if I ever brought this up to her (aside from the part that it turned me on), even jokingly, on a scale of “1″ to “Never ever fucking talking to me again”, what do you think her reaction would be? Is there even an outside chance that she’d want to see for herself?

If there’s one thing I know about women it’s that they love being told how much they resemble porn stars. Hell, tell her how much bigger the porn stars tits are and she’ll be begging you to take her to fucktown.

Signed,
Please don’t use my real name as it will probably ruin my life.

The Giants aren’t going to have the money to spend on a receiver like Quan or Housh. Eli’s about to get seriously paid, and they’ll need to re-up at least one of their running backs.

Thanks to everyone for their questions, even the really shitty ones.

Welcome to another enlightening edition of the KSK Football and Sex Advice Mailbag! After the jump we’ll delve into such topics as bi love triangles, a Rachel Maddow fetish, foodie blowjobs, and of course, the quest for anal.

Sir-

/consults lawyer
//keeps mouth shut

Staying on the flaming topic, do you see Brady Quinn in the starters role next season, or will he be riding his gay lovers cock on the bench again?

Much Thanks-
CP

Wow, sorry to hear that your girlfriend is a duplicitous whore. You should at least get revenge by fucking her cute little girlfriend on camera and sending her the tape. As for Brady, expect to see him under center next season, even if the play calls for a shotgun snap.

KSK,

HAHAHAHAHAHA. No, that’s just stupid. You should probably do it again. Hell, fuck both of ‘em.

-E

Are you seriously considering skipping the Super Bowl to go watch some play? Fuck that, you’re a football fan, so sack up and watch the fucking game. Drinking should help rid you of these hangups.

Gentlemen,

-Charlie

You’re never allowed to wish an STD upon a friend, unless said friend just fucked your whorish ex. What you should do is mock the shit out of him for bragging about getting pussy via Craigslist. A hunchbacked leper with halitosis could get laid that way.

If I’m an NFL GM I’m not drafting any running back in the first round.

Gayest of Gay Mafia,

How prescient a monkier to have, because I am writing in to say that I have a crazy, unyeilding, Mark David Champman-esque stalking festish. I want to f*ck Rachel Maddow so hard and am proud (pun inteded) of it. That’s right – dykish hair, sport jacket, super oversized uber-hipster black horn rimmed glasses (when not on camera), quiet farm life, would not do me if I could make her Secretary of State – Rachel Maddow. If you can show me a picture of any woman out there hotter and more f*ckable than Maddow, the gauntlet has been thrown (Ed. note: see below) (hint: any pics from that dude from last week who used to video his sister in lawy might help)

Here is the problem, my girlfriend, much like every other single woman on earth, hates that I find someone else bangable. Even a lesbian. In fact, probably much more so a lesbian – because all she can imagine is me doing a 3 way with two boyish chicks. She has gotten to the point where she wants sex all the time, takes me out to eat at 9pm every night and won’t even let me have the remote. She is utterly convinced that I am going to go to a witch doctor, buy some anti-gay fairy dust, fly to NYC and try to bang the HOTTEST CHICK EVERRRRR. My girl cannot get enough of my womble snout, but all I ever think about is Maddow. Is there something wrong with me?

Football question: Any chance NBC signs a unemployed Kilby to just piss on the co-anchors for the NBC Super Bowl. I mean, the guy has no talent other than being an asshat, why not boost ratings by having him taking a giant verbal dump all over the Matt Millen Experiment? Thoughts?

Corndogg

I’m not sure what would repulse Maddow more, your dick or your spelling. I don’t think I want to know what a womble snout is, and I can say unequivocally that there are many many things wrong with you.

Fortunately NBC has finally run out of chairs.

Dear homosexuals who live in my computer,

-J

I hate to break it to you, but what you’re describing is called a “girlfriend”. Break up with her if that’s what you want, just be forewarned that they are all going to annoy the shit out of you from time to time. If you think you can handle a relationship then go for the anal, otherwise just get out now and go back to jerkin’ it all by your lonesome.

You sound like the exact kind of fan the Lions deserve.

KSK,

Thanks boys

Blowjobs, blowjobs, blowjobs, and more blowjobs.

The Orwellian nerd in me loves the 1984 ad, but the rest of me is a complete sucker for anything featuring monkeys. Of course as a football blog we have to show support for Terry Tate’s foray into office linebacking.

KSK,

What in the name of fuck are you babbling about? Is this Buffalo Bill? Nobody wants to hear about your man-nipples. Unless of course you can milk them.

-Cory

Take Cassel and pray for Brady’s leg to fall off at the knee.

Dear Sirs,

Taking a shit while straddling Bill Bidwell’s face while blowing Kurt Warner.

-Peter

If the sex is good, and you are sufficiently in need, then three hours is an acceptable driving distance. This is all assuming that it will not interfere with your Super Bowl viewing.

KSK,

Thanks,
Betting the Under

Normally I leave the rules to Simmons, especially with Vegas involved, but here are two that you should probably heed.

1. Never bet on or against your team in the Super Bowl (betting the under is fine).
2. Never take your wife to a brothel.

In fact, never go to a Nevada brothel at all. Unless of course you enjoy paying four-figures to fuck an ugly prostitute. You’re in Vegas, there are plenty of crazy-hot whores you can pick up for a handful of chips.

To who it won’t concern,

No. What the fuck is wrong with you? It’s god damn Cameron Crowe movie, not Schindler’s List.

Waiting in suspense,
Matt

You sound like quite the Casanova, so I’m going to suggest Craigslist. Be sure not to mention the hunchback, leprosy, or halitosis until you’ve made the date, just to be careful.

KSK,

This question would probably be best suited for Drew (Ed. note: Well too fucking bad!. It involves the two things he seems to know best: Cock and Food (Ed. note: How did you know that the rest of us are cockless anorexics?!). My wife recently decided she will only suck my cock if it involves some food wrapped/drizzled around it. We’ve done the standards (honey, chocolate syrup, whipped cream) but where do we go from there? I fucking love head and I’m not about to stop this hot streak of married blowjobs.

Thanks.

That sir, is a fantastic question. But remember, all that matters is what foods she likes. That being said, here’s a list of foods and condiments you may have not considered that should fit the bill.

1. Prosciutto – It’s a well known fact that everything tastes better wrapped in savory Italian ham, even your porker.

2. Peanut butter – If it’s good enough for the dog, it’s good enough for the wife.

3. Spicy mustard – It never hurts to add a little spice to the bedroom and/or kitchen, just ask George Costanza.

God speed, good sir. And to answer your fantasy question, Michael Turner.

Welcome to another disturbingly arousing edition of the KSK Football and Sex Advice Mailbag! After the jump we’ll delve into such sensitive issues as how to explain away that tape you made of your sister-in-law undressing, teaching your adolescent son the proper way to clean up after himself, pregnant sex, and of course, the quest for anal.

KSK,

-R

You aren’t fooling anyone Strahan, we know it’s you! First of all, what kind of technology inclined pervert uses VHS? As Punter said, you need to store that shit on a password protected external device. Now to answer your questions.

1. You’re just curious!
2. No, but feel free to try.
3. Unless there was another house guest staying with you at the same time then you pretty much can’t deny anything. This is one of those times when you’re pretty much reduced to throwing yourself on the mercy of the court. And unless you have the coolest most understandingest wife on the planet, court is exactly where you’re headed.

And now allow me to ask some questions of you.

1. How long is this tape? Did you record her once, or over the course of several weeks?
2. Is there a surviving copy of said tape that we may analyze?
3. What kind of fucking idiot are you?

KSK,

Eyeing the Bandwagon,
-Z

Doctors don’t fully understand morning wood, so I doubt anyone can tell you why you are experiencing the phenomena just before nodding off. Perhaps your dick just really loves naps. If that’s the case, we have something in common.

Kurt Warner is a very good quarterback who has been fortunate enough to play with some outstanding receivers in his career. He may be a bit of a pussy, but don’t overlook his deep ball accuracy just because he gets to throw to All Pros.

KSK Sex Team,

Thank you,
Smaaron

Men should be allowed to use the services of professional escorts under these circumstances. How this was never made into a “Man Law” commercial is beyond me, but I suspect that women are to blame. Keep Anquan and tell the preggo that if she loves you she’ll let you take care of business on the side*.

*Note: Do not actually go through with this, assuming you prefer your testicles to remain inside your scrotum.

KSK,

I think I’m too old for this site

Send the boy our way, for we will teach him the ways of man.

Exactly how old is “too old” to be reading KSK?

KSK,

Mark

No, every other team in the NFL isn’t stupid for failing to build around a guy like Larry Fitzgerald. It’s not like other GM’s have the opportunity to sign the league’s best receiver only to say “eh fuck it, we can get by with Hank Basket.”

Yes, a man can be raped by a woman, but don’t expect them to talk about it very much. To answer your question regarding Mike She-rico, it depends. Some people are all caught up on making their first time special, which is a dumb fucking way to go through your adolescence. To give you the proper advice we really need to know a lot more about you. For instance, how old are you? How long have you been in pursuit of the poon? Do you have any other possibilities on the horizon, however remote they may be? Are you morally opposed to paying for it? If nothing else is playing out in your favor you might as well just make the leap. Hopefully you can at least upgrade to a Scott Sans Pelt.

Guys,

Adam K.

Easy, just tell her you’d be able to do a much better job if she’d go Brazilian. Trying to predict the next football team to “make the jump” is a futile pursuit. Every year teams rise from nothingness to the playoffs, so it can really happen to anybody. Except of course for the Lions. They’ll still be sucking when we’re all dead and buried.

Dear Fucktasters,

-K

Invitation or not, Ufford’s on his way.

As for Cutlerfucker, he’s three seasons into his rookie contract that goes for a total of six. With a hot young coach in Denver the future actually looks pretty bright, at least right up until you remember that said coach is a former Belichick coordinator. Don’t let that lack of obesity fool you, he could be every bit the fuckup as his predecessors. Hell, Josh McDaniels has already hired his 28 year-old brother as an offensive assistant. Who needs real coaching experience when you’ve spent three years as a quarterbacks coach at a couple of Ohio high schools? I’m sure Cutlerfucker can’t wait to benefit from that turd’s experience.

KSK,

Barry

How can you not root for the Cardinals in this situation? Their fans are delightfully apathetic and they’re all neatly tucked away deep in the southwest.

If the walls really are that thin then you at least owe it to your neighbors to make an effort to keep the volume down, but fuck, they’ll probably hear you no matter what. Give ‘em something to complain about and grunt like Maria Sharapova taking it up the ass.

KSK,

Thanks,
HoC

The only thing worse than fantasy football with nothing at stake is women who don’t let you fondle their breasts. Simply remind your wife that you put up with that stupid wedding idea of hers, so now you own those milky fuckers.

Dear KSK,

-El Duke

Your best bet for dealing with the bye week is to take a dry run through Vegas. It never hurts to be too prepared, and this way you won’t be overwhelmed by loud noises physically impossible tits during your bartender gathering. If you do jump in Rolf’s tank make sure the fish head belt is made entirely of smoked fish heads.

Your budget for strippers and whores depends on your overall budget for the trip. The rule of thumb says to only spend what you win at the tables, but I say take your overall gambling budget and triple it. Your best bet is to take one (or more) of those bartenders to Cheetah’s and show them what kind of tipper you are.

Of course you’ll probably lose all of your money playing blackjack against JONATHAN FAHKIN’ PAPELBON! and crying yourself to sleep with your dick in your hand. But hey, at least you’ll always be able to tell everyone how you scared Norv Turner away from your table!

/high fives Hench

KSK,

-waldo

How the fuck do you know what the weather in Tampa is going to be like?

A 9.99? Really? Go fuck yourself with a soldering iron.

KSK,

Vin

Ufford answers:As a Seahawks fan, I admit, I’m somewhat less than confident in the skills of Jim Mora. But let’s not panic yet. The Rams hired a superior coordinator, not necessarily a superior coach. Remember when Romeo Crennel was a defensive genius sure to lift the Browns the heights of the AFC Central?

The NFL is a fickle bitch. Most of the actual coaching in the NFL comes not during the three hours we watch on Sundays, but during the rest of the week, when the head coach manages a staff of coordinators and coaches. Mike Holmgren sucked at running a 2-minute drill, but that fat walrus could turn anyone reading this into a capable D-II quarterback. So let’s wait and see what Jim Mora, Mike Singletary, and Steve Spagnuolo can do over the course of an entire season before anyone’s ass gets crowned.

Okay, now back to me. Go rent a movie that isn’t a poorly disguised chick flick and maybe you can get your balls back.

KSK,

TF

1. Your mom.

2. See 1.

And now, for some anal emails.

KSK,

Thanks,
Waiting For Anal

That’s just preposterous in every way imaginable. Try to calmly explain to your wife that if she wants a god damn ring then she’s going to have to earn that shit the hard way.

Oh, and fuck The Edge. And Bono. The Buzzsaw need to spread the ball around quite a bit if they want to get Fitzy freed up in single coverage. This will mean giving the ball to Edge (no “The”), Anquan, Breaston, and anybody else on the field who can manage to get open before LaMarr Woodley rips Warner a fresh new asshole.

For the rest thinking of knocking at the backdoor, read this.

And finally, here’s a follow-up from a previous edition of the ‘bag…

KSK,

I keep 2 of the 4 for next year: LT, Cutler, Rowdy Roddy, Gore

Is there some sort of drawback to keeping the running backs? Will you lose picks later in the draft for keeping high draft picks? If not keep the backs and pray, otherwise stick with Cutlerfucker and Roddy.