But your honor, training camp is really important. It’s crucial that I be free to get in shape while bonding with my teammates and coaches. Punish me however you see fit, but if you have any compassion whatsoever please don’t take away these four days of conditioning and practice. I will leave you with my business card in case you need to reach me directly with regards to the trial schedule.

/gropes judge’s breast

Yesterday Dan Hellie reported that Albert Haynesworth has been accused of sexual assault after an incident at the W Hotel in Washington DC. Haynesworth immediately denied any wrongdoing through his agent, and now NBCWashington has revealed the specifics of the allegation.

According to a police report obtained by NBC Washington, the waitress stated that her hands were full carrying glasses as she was clearing the table at about 1:30 a.m. Sunday.

She said that “Subject 1″ tried to pay his bill by giving her his credit card, but he asked if it was OK to stick the card in her blouse near her breast area. She nodded her head yes and, according to the report, she said he then placed the card into her blouse gently, sliding the card further into her left side of the blouse and then started to caress her breast.

Apparently “Subject 1″ is also known as the fat guy in the 92 jersey who is laying down on the field for some reason. So where did Haynesworth go wrong in this encounter? Let’s go to the videotape.

Maybe the next time Albert is thinking about getting fresh with a waitress (allegedly) he’ll have the decency to be more attractive.

Fat Albert appeared on 106.7 The Fan’s Kevin And Rock Show to clear some things up, primarily that he was not hungover during Friday’s practice, and that he’s here to play football. The transcribed quotes come from SBN’s Mike Prada.

UPDATE BELOW

“It’s too much stuff going on right now, too much stuff that doesn’t have anything to do with football going on. It’s just ridiculous. Let’s just concentrate on playing football, because this is what we’re paid to do, and win games. “I hope it’s what everyone else wants, but it’s just all the other kid games that’s going on that’s making me sick. I’m sick about it.”

He’s so goddamn sick about it that he’s decided to not show up for work today.

“I’m not going into the office tomorrow. I’m still heated over this. I just got sick of it.”

Come on, guys. All he wants to do is concentrate on football, and he can’t do that if you keep pressuring him to show up on time and put forth a legitimate effort.

Haynesworth also commented on his teammates penchant for going to the media with their complaints, namely Philip Daniels.

“I think they’re cowards, and I think that if they have something to say, they should say it to my face, instead of being cowards and running to the media to try to blast me behind my back.”

He does have a bit of a point here. Redskins fans love to glorify the careers of our heroes, but how would Washington Post readers react if they saw quotes like these showing up in print back in the 80′s?

During one team meeting, the players heard a strange noise from inside the locker room, like the sound you hear when it just starts to pour rain. They glanced in the back and there was a groggy Riggins, lying on his back, his pants pulled down, peeing straight into the air all over himself. Gibbs and the poor coaching staff always looked the other way with Riggo, as long as he was coherent on Sundays, but this seemed a little much … and yet the coaching staff never did anything. “They always looked the other way with him,” said May. “It just wasn’t Gibbs’s nature to constantly battle with a player like that.”

Oh hell, they’d probably love it.

UPDATE: The Redskins suspended Haynesworth for the rest of the year. Mike Shanahan released the following statement.

“Despite the club’s numerous attempts to persuade Albert Haynesworth to abide by the terms of his contract, he has repeatedly refused to cooperate with our coaching staff in a variety of ways over an extended period of time. Among other things, he has consistently indicated to our defensive coaches that he refuses to play in our base defense or on first-down or second-down nickel situations. He has also refused to follow the instructions of our coaches both during weekly practices and during actual games as well.

“Yesterday, when Albert was at Redskin Park, he told our General Manager Bruce Allen that he [Haynesworth] would no longer speak with me. Although suspending any player is not a decision that a head coach enters into lightly, I believe the situation has reached the point where the club clearly has no alternative.”

That’ll teach him for granting an interview to the team’s rival radio station.

Reader Brendan sent in this flickr image of some of the Burgundy-and-Gold faithful who witnessed Michael Vick have his way with the Redskins on a nationally televised rape stand. Thank you, Brendan. This sight is so much sexier without the basketball jersey.

My favorite stat from last night? The ‘Skins were 0-for-10 on third down with three interceptions. That’s delightful. Additional images of Redskin-related schadenfreude continue below:

DeSean, LaRon. LaRon, DeSean.

(Stills via Agony of Defeat; GIF from Bleeding Green Nation)

The Axis of Dipshittery strikes again.

So this morning I woke up to news that the Redskins have inked both Albert “Stubblefield 2.0″ Haynesworth and DeAngelo Hall to long-term contracts worth a combined $155 million, $64 million of which is guaran-damn-teed.

ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME, ASSHOLES? HAVE WE NOT BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD BEFORE? ARE YOU FUCKING SCHMUCKS TRYING TO FUCK US IN THE ASS FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS? COULDN’T YOU HAVE JUST BOUGHT ANOTHER FAILING THEME PARK? DOES IT EVEN BOTHER YOU THAT EVERY VETERAN IN THE LEAGUE LOOKS UPON YOUR FRANCHISE AS A PLACE TO COME GET PAID BEFORE TANKING FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS? WHY DON’T YOU FUCKERS GO TAKE A FEW DOZEN SPINS ON THE BATMAN RIDE AT SIX FLAGS OVER GEORGIA?

With all that being said, WE HAVE THE BEST D-TACKLE IN THE GAME AND WE’RE GOING TO THE FUCKIN’ SUPER BOWL, WOOOOOOOOO! WHO’S WITH ME?

“I’M WITH YA, MAJ! BOOK THE PLANE TICKETS, MA, WE’RE PLAYIN’ ON SUPER SUNDEEEEEEE!”

Kill me.

Update: My man Wale weighs in on the overnight signings via Twitter: “i love hall…i think hes great…i just feel like we need an effective reciver to go with moss..randel el isnt whats hot in the streets”

So very true.