But your honor, training camp is really important. It’s crucial that I be free to get in shape while bonding with my teammates and coaches. Punish me however you see fit, but if you have any compassion whatsoever please don’t take away these four days of conditioning and practice. I will leave you with my business card in case you need to reach me directly with regards to the trial schedule.

/gropes judge’s breast

Yesterday Dan Hellie reported that Albert Haynesworth has been accused of sexual assault after an incident at the W Hotel in Washington DC. Haynesworth immediately denied any wrongdoing through his agent, and now NBCWashington has revealed the specifics of the allegation.

According to a police report obtained by NBC Washington, the waitress stated that her hands were full carrying glasses as she was clearing the table at about 1:30 a.m. Sunday.

She said that “Subject 1″ tried to pay his bill by giving her his credit card, but he asked if it was OK to stick the card in her blouse near her breast area. She nodded her head yes and, according to the report, she said he then placed the card into her blouse gently, sliding the card further into her left side of the blouse and then started to caress her breast.

Apparently “Subject 1″ is also known as the fat guy in the 92 jersey who is laying down on the field for some reason. So where did Haynesworth go wrong in this encounter? Let’s go to the videotape.

Maybe the next time Albert is thinking about getting fresh with a waitress (allegedly) he’ll have the decency to be more attractive.

Fat Albert appeared on 106.7 The Fan’s Kevin And Rock Show to clear some things up, primarily that he was not hungover during Friday’s practice, and that he’s here to play football. The transcribed quotes come from SBN’s Mike Prada.

UPDATE BELOW

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Reader Brendan sent in this flickr image of some of the Burgundy-and-Gold faithful who witnessed Michael Vick have his way with the Redskins on a nationally televised rape stand. Thank you, Brendan. This sight is so much sexier without the basketball jersey.

My favorite stat from last night? The ‘Skins were 0-for-10 on third down with three interceptions. That’s delightful. Additional images of Redskin-related schadenfreude continue below:

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Albert Haynesworth prefers his skinny bitches on the rag. From City Paper’s Dave McKenna: “Junkies producers said Haynesworth’s go-to drink is Skinny Bitch on the Rag, described as a vodka and club soda with a splash of cranberry.” It should be noted that a proper “skinny bitch” is made with Diet Coke and vodka (whereas a skinny model bitch is made with Diet Coke, vodka, and cocaine). I’d alert the Junkies to the difference, but they’d probably just call me f*ggot before moving on to their next segment on how hard the Redskins suck. [Cheap Seats]

The Axis of Dipshittery strikes again.

So this morning I woke up to news that the Redskins have inked both Albert “Stubblefield 2.0″ Haynesworth and DeAngelo Hall to long-term contracts worth a combined $155 million, $64 million of which is guaran-damn-teed.

ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME, ASSHOLES? HAVE WE NOT BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD BEFORE? ARE YOU FUCKING SCHMUCKS TRYING TO FUCK US IN THE ASS FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS? COULDN’T YOU HAVE JUST BOUGHT ANOTHER FAILING THEME PARK? DOES IT EVEN BOTHER YOU THAT EVERY VETERAN IN THE LEAGUE LOOKS UPON YOUR FRANCHISE AS A PLACE TO COME GET PAID BEFORE TANKING FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS? WHY DON’T YOU FUCKERS GO TAKE A FEW DOZEN SPINS ON THE BATMAN RIDE AT SIX FLAGS OVER GEORGIA?

With all that being said, WE HAVE THE BEST D-TACKLE IN THE GAME AND WE’RE GOING TO THE FUCKIN’ SUPER BOWL, WOOOOOOOOO! WHO’S WITH ME?

“I’M WITH YA, MAJ! BOOK THE PLANE TICKETS, MA, WE’RE PLAYIN’ ON SUPER SUNDEEEEEEE!”

Kill me.

Update: My man Wale weighs in on the overnight signings via Twitter: “i love hall…i think hes great…i just feel like we need an effective reciver to go with moss..randel el isnt whats hot in the streets”

So very true.

As if there was ever a doubt. Try to contain your shock on this one, but Lance Zierlein of the Houston Chronicle is reporting that Dan Snyder is prepared to spend $100 million on defensive tackle extraordinaire Albert Haynesworth. In addition to the gargantuan money Snyder is using a lifetime of free haircuts to lure the Pro Bowler to town. It’s also being reported that Snyder is adamant about giving up a first and a third round draft pick in exchange for Haynesworth, despite the fact that he’s a free agent. [Mister Irrelevant]