Int. Tenjune (the Meatpacking District)

(Beyonce’s Single Ladies blares over the speakers)

Abby: Oh I love this song! Come on Eli, let’s dance.

Elisha: I don’t like dancing, besides, I don’t want to leave Moishe all alone, he gets scared.

Brandon Jacobs: [pulls Eli aside] Hey man, cut out that Moishe shit. Get out there and dance with that fine ass bitch of yours before I step in and plow that.

Elisha: My what ass what?

Brandon: Your wife, Eli. Go dance with your wife.

Elisha: Fine, just let me ask the DJ man to put on some dance music.

Brandon: [looks confused, runs through load-bearing wall, stashes gun] Whatever.

Elisha: [approaches DJ booth] Excuse me, Mr. DJ man. MR. DJ MAN?!

DJ: [emerges from underneath tables] Yo, what up my MVP?

Elisha: What do you say we get an old fashioned line dance going on in here?

DJ: Sorry bro, I just finished off my stash, but if you need some coke the bouncer can hook it up.

Elisha: No I don’t need any Coke, I just scored a Shirley Temple from the waitress.

DJ: [looks confused] So what you want, man?

Elisha: Do you have any Kenny Chesney?

DJ: [doing his best Axel Foley impression] Get the fuck outta here.

Elisha: Yes, sir.

[Elisha walks back to his table]

Abby: What was that all about?

Elisha: Honestly, I have no friggin’ clue.

Abby: So will you dance with me?

Elisha: Sure. But let’s stay close to Moishe.

Abby: You know you can just sit down and I can dance for you.

Elisha: Really? That sounds good.

Abby: [begins gyrating her ass on Elisha's lap] How does that feel, baby?

Elisha: It feels sorta like when I wrestle with Cooper.

Abby: Huh. [begins grinding her ass into Elisha's crotch] And how does this feel?

Elisha: [turns red, begins sweating profusely] Uh…uncomfortable.

Abby: Really? Because it feels like you like it!

Elisha: What do you mean?

Abby: Well either you’re enjoying it or you’ve got a gun tucked into your waistband like Plaxico.

Elisha: NO I DON’T! That’s my periwinkle.

Abby: [whispering in Elisha's ear] Shhhhh. Just sit back and enjoy it.

[Abby turns around and begins dry-humping Eli]

Eli: [face contorts] GNUUUHHHHH!

Abby: Yeah, you like that, baby?

Eli: I MADE A MESS IN MY PANTS!

[a snicker arises from assorted teammates and other nearby patrons]

Abby: Shhh, it’s okay, sweetie.

Eli: No! [pushes Abby to the floor] MOOOOOOOOOOOM! I WANNA GO HOME NOW!

Thanks to Ben for the new nippley picture.

Today we already were assured that we get our Marmalard-Cutlerfucker showdown next week for the AFC West crown (also known as the team that gets to lose in the first round to the Colts). Now we get the second of our one-seed Ro Sham Beaux, with the Painthers traveling to the swamps of Jersey to face the now-shaky Giants. With Brandon Jacobs returning, Elisha’s search for his Plax may not be as frenzied. Though if Identity and Theft can gash the New York defense like Tashard Choice could, it’s not going to matter much.

However, if the Simpsons has taught me anything (and it hasn’t), the best moment to come is when the Steve Smiths have a reanimated altercation over who gets whose grave. I can’t wait.

“Excuse me, I’m Steve Smith.”

“Steve Smith, Carolina Panthers?”

“My mistake.”

Giggity.

[Int. the Manning household]

Elisha: Hey Mom?

[no answer]

Elisha: MOM?!

Elisha: MOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOM!

[from downstairs]

Olivia: Yes, sweety?

Elisha: WHERE THE HECK IS MY PLAX?!

Olivia: Your what?

Elisha: MY PLAXICO! I CAN’T FIND HIM, HE’S MISSING!

Olivia: Calm down, my precious little boy.

Elisha: NO MOM, I’M FRICKIN SERIOUS!

Olivia: Now Eli, you know I don’t tolerate that kind of language in this house.

Elisha: Sorry, Mom. But have you seen my Plax anywhere? I can’t find him and he may be in trouble.

Olivia: I haven’t seen him, sweetie, I’m sorry. Did you check in the toy chest.

Elisha: Yes mom, I checked the flippin’ toy chest.

Olivia: Well I’m sorry Eli, but I don’t know where you could have left him. Why don’t you just play with one of your other toys.

Elisha: THEY’RE ACTION FIGURES!

Olivia: I know, Eli, I know, but if you don’t hurry up and pick one we’ll be late for your playdate at the Phelps’s. Why don’t you just take your Amani, he’s sitting on your nightstand ready to go.

Elisha: Aww Mom, he’s all old and raggedy and junk.

Olivia: Well young man, I don’t know where he could have gone. You know whenever Peyton loses one of his action figures he always makes do with what he has.

Elisha: I don’t care about Pey-Pey, I NEED MY PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAX!

Olivia: Elisha Nelson Manning IV, you will use your indoor voice or I’ll take away your Hedgecock! Now if you don’t want to play with your Amani then you can just take that new Domenik doll I got for you. He’s just like Plaxico anyways.

Elisha: Oh come on, Mom, he can’t even catch with those hands!

Olivia: Well that’s all you’re going to get to play with today, because I told Debbie Phelps we’d be at her house by noon.

Elisha: Grrrrrrrr. [reluctantly grabs Amani and Domenik]

Olivia: If you’re a good boy we’ll stop at the orchard and get you some cider.

Elisha: FLIPPIN’ SWEET! I’m gonna drink so much cider, you don’t even know! [sips from sippy cup]