Bet y’all shocked to see me, ain’t ya? Omigod, if y’all could see the looks on y’all’s faces right now! You can’t tell whether or not you’re glad to see me or ready to fucking cut me in half with a machete!

TEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!!!!!

I’m tellin y’all, THIS will never be topped, muthaphuckka. Bet y’all really thought I was gone! With the bigass funeral! And the open casket! And my grandma fallin’ on the coffin! And coach Gibbs cryin’ and talking about, “He’s with Jesus now”! BAHAHAHAHAHA! Man, I wasn’t with Jesus! I was with my boy Fred, down in Aruba! Check this out!

Best five months in hiding I ever spent!

C’mon now, you really think a group of punkass kids are gonna shoot down Sean Taylor in his prime? FUCK THAT! That was jus’ my cousin Dave! The whole femoral artery thing was his idea! Said you’d fall for it like a little motherfucker. AND YOU DID! He’s always thinkin’ of crazy shit like this! One time, for April Fool’s Day, he keyed his landlord’s car! How fucking funny is that shit?!

And you really think the police would solve the murder of a famous black man that quickly? C’mon, now. That shit doesn’t happen in real life. Didn’t their incredible effort tip you off?

Besides, how else was I supposed to avoid practice?! We were in pads two days a week! That shit was murder!

Are you still mad? Oh, c’mon now! It’s me! Sean! Don’t be angry, bitch! You wouldn’t have made the playoffs without me dying! I watched that shit from the pool bar. It was great! And you got to talk about violence in the black community and shit. I’d say we all learned a valuable lesson, namely that Y’ALL SOME GULLIBLE-ASS RETARDS!

Still angry? Okay, man. Okay. I’m sorry. Here. Have a beer.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! YOU GOT SOAKED, ASSHOLE!

I feel so refreshed.

Next year, I’m getting disemboweled!