Finally, a fackin’ day that recognizes me and my fackin’ Irish kin! I’ve had enough of these parades fah Arabs, and faggots, and chicks with lumps in their tits! THIS IS FINALLY OWUH TIME TO SHINE! Pogue Mahone, you fackin’ pussylickahs! Someone turn up that fackin’ House of Pain recuhd! I’m so fackin’ excited. I’m so fackin’ PROUD of who we ahhhhh!!!

(shows off shamrock tattoo on bicep)

I’m gonna go uht and get so fackin’ drunk, I won’t care whose vagina my finger ends up in! GET THE FACKIN’ SAWDUST READY FOR OW-UH APAHTMUNT FLOO-UH, SULLY!

I won’t lie to you faggots. It’s been a hahhhhd wintah up heah. I’m not sure we’re ovah the Pats’ loss here. But I know everyone out they-ah is pullin’ for us to get back on track and come back strawng as a fackin’ awx! I just know it in my hahhht! Tawmmy Brady and my boys let me down this go round. But I know they won’t do it again, or else I’ll fackin’ beat my Pakistani naybahhh with a gawddamn bicycle chain!

(plays Papa Roach record)

CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES! THIS IS MY LAST RE-SAWWWWWT!!!

Besides, I just know the Pats will win it all, and you know why?

BECAUSE JAWSH FACKIN’ BECKETT PITCHED WITH 70% AHHHM STRENGTH LAST WEEK YOU FACKIN’ FAGGOTS!

That’s right. It’s time for anuthah summah of Sawx dawminance. I know all of you can’t wait to see us lay some pipe to those Yankee faggots again. THIS ONE’S FOR THE UNDERDAWGS, HANK STEINBRENNAH! You’re just like your old man, assfuck. ONLY YOU DON’T HAVE TO TAKE OUT YAH DENTCHAHS TO SWAWLLOW A CAWK!

(pulls knit cap down just over eyes)

This is gonna be the greatest St. Patrick’s Day of all fackin’ time! My boy Paddy’s already set us up with wristbands for the day. ALL THE MILLER LITE YOU CAN DRINK FOR JUST $200! BEAT THAT, SHITBAWXES! I may even treat myself to a Guiness, and if the dahhhkie behind the countah doesn’t make a shamrawk in the foam, I’ll call the INS and have him deporrrrrted back to fackin’ DAHKIELAND!!!!!

I can’t wait to bust out my green Welkahhh jersey! I bought it for this very occasion. Then I’m gonna put on my Irish kilt and head out onto the street!

Now THIS is a street festival! No fackin’ $2 bowls of pad thai he-ah! Last time I ate that, my asshole turned black! STAWP POISONING OW-UH PEOPLE, YOU SLANTY STIR FRYERS! Yeah, it’s time for Patriot fans of Red Sawx Nation all over to celebrate they-ah gawddamn heritage! WE EARNED THIS RIGHT FOR ALL WE’VE BEEN THROUGH!

Ugh. Gawd. This might be the earliest I evah puked! THIS IS HOW CHAMPIONS PAHHHHTY, YAH FACKIN’ ANKLEGRABBAHS!