1. Train Chef
2. Automobile “Otto” Baker
3. Monorail T. Busboy
4. Taxicab Chauffeur
5. Jet Receptionist
6. Jeep Shinebox
7. Tank Bricklayer
8. Trolley Mason
9. Unicycle Priest
10. Scooter Cooper
11. Rascal St. Tax Attorney
12. Skateboard Sommelier
13. Dinghy Cobbler
14. Raft Crossingguard
15. “Hatchback” Alderman
16. Truck Fluffer
17. Rollerblade Broadway-Star
18. Ford Constable
19. Spaceshuttle Pizzaboy
20. Chevy Chase-Bankteller
21. Locomotive Coxswain
22. Segway von Blogger III
23. Submarine Tailor
24. Magic Carpet Ditchdigger
25. V-22 “Osprey” Firefighter

1. Bill Polian and I are good friends, honest.

2. I don’t want Fop, goddamn it! I’m a Dapper Dan man!

3. I’m proud to be from Baltimore. Seriously!

4. There never was a Mel Kiper Sr.

5. I maintain that Andre Ware and Mike Williams would have had hall of fame careers had they been drafted by someone other than the Lions.

6. I have a lifetime contract with ESPN.

7. I will never die.

8. I’m still not sold on Marshall Faulk, but let me tell you something about Akili Smith!

9. I’m a confirmed dick.

10. Jay Cutler thinks he can defy me with his “on-field performance”, but I will bring his ass down.

11. I don’t have many friends, which is why I try to befriend certain player agents whenever possible.

12. Stock Up: My neighbor’s kid. Show me another 10 year-old with that tight a spiral.

13. Stock Down: My kid. It’s like he doesn’t even want to play actual football. Instead he spends all of his time pretending to be a scout. Such a sad, pale kid. Great hair though.

14. Todd McShay is still mad because I put my dick in his mouth while he was sleeping. More like Todd McGay, right?

15. The Redskins have traded two future picks for the rights to the 16th random thing about me.

16. With the 16th random thing about Mel Kiper Jr. the Washington Redskins select Darrius Heyward- Bay from the University of Maryland. His jersey is now available at the team store for $249.99 plus shipping and handling.

17. My ball sweat smells exactly like cocktail onions.

18. If it weren’t for me Joe Lunardi would be sucking cock for gas money.

19. People don’t like me because I’m way too real for them.

20. Cutler demanded a trade? See, I told you he’s a fucking bum! Does Leinart demand trades? Fuck no, he just sits there on the bench like a franchise quarterback ought to.

21. If you’re ever watching the draft and wondering why I’m making “that face” it’s because I have to fart. Badly.

22. Berman never makes that face because he doesn’t bother holding them in. It bothers some people, but I find myself enjoying his mighty flatulence.

23. I am in the process of locking down a patent for my pube styling gel.

24. I have seven cats and they’re each named for a monumental draft bust.

25. I’ll see you at my Hall of Fame induction.

1. I’d rather eat a pancake than deliver one.

2. I hold the Alabama State Fair record for most deep-fried racks of ribs consumed (seven) in a an hour.

3. I weigh 332 pounds.

4. Fuck this, I’m going home.

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25. (Ed. note: Uhh…I don’t think he’s coming back.)

1. The only porn that does it for me is a good rape scene. And I’m not talking about that staged bullshit. The Belicock demands real tears.

2. I was the captain of the Wesleyan Lacrosse team, but you probably could have surmised as much.

3. I am an even bigger douchebag than you can begin to imagine. Number 2 on this list is just the tip of the iceberg.

4. I have developed four new methods to properly skin a cat. The hard part is keeping them alive.

5. Art Modell stole my idea to move the Browns.

6. I keep the clippings from every haircut I’ve ever had at a storage facility in New Jersey.

7. I’m pen-pals with Kim Jong-il. Good guy. Misunderstood.

8. Grumble.

9. I hired private investigators to follow every prospect we scout for the NFL Draft.

10. Plus I have a mole in every other team’s war room.

11. Scott Pioli is a figment of my imagination.

12. Never bought American Apparel hoodies. I want the soft touch only child labor can provide.

13. Bobby Knight is a fucking pussy.

14. I once fired an assistant coach for showing up to the practice facility wearing the very same sweatshirt I had briefly considered wearing.

15. I always piss clear.

16. And i always shit green.

17. I’m giving up two things for Lent this year. Carbs and forced sodomy.

18. I induced Tedy Bruschi’s stroke as a team-building exercise. He seemed cool with it.

19. My second toes were longer than my big toes so I ground them down to fall in line.

20. I have a cat named Bonkers whose life I value more than any human in my life.

21. Yes, I skinned Bonkers.

22. I fashioned a crude ushanka out of his pelt.

23. While you were reading this I was fucking your wife in your bed.

24. You need new sheets.

25. And a new bed.

1. I never feel more needed then when I fetch Mister Snyder’s slippers after his evening bath.

2. I was born with the same exact teeth I have today.

3. I offered Adam Dunn $25 million, but he signed with the Nationals instead.

4. I tried to molest every single kid on the set of Kindergarten Ninja, but their parents were always hovering around like buzzards circling my career.

5. I still use the name Sergeant Antonelli as an alias when meeting children for the first time. I’ve found it puts them at ease. Stupid children.

6. I cut my own hair.

7. The only book I’ve ever read is How to Succeed In Business Without Ever Trying.

8. I once successfully landed a big-name recruit at Notre Dame by kidnapping the player’s kid sister. Don’t worry though, I let her out of the closet in the coach’s office as soon as his eligibility ran out.

9. I drive a Dodge Stratus.

10. I wear both my National Champion ring and a Super Bowl Ring at all times. You don’t see them because they’re on my cock.

11. If things don’t work out with the Redskins I’ve been promised a job operating the Flying Carousel at new Six Flags Dubailand.

12. I stopped sleeping 20 years ago.

13. My pores excrete an as-of-yet unidentified viscous substance when I feel threatened.

14. I’m still holding out hope that one day my other testicle will descend. Stubborn little fucker.

15. I wish people would call me Il Duce without me having to ask them.

16. During the season I’ve been known to sleep at the foot of Mister Snyder’s bed like an obedient dog.

17. One time my laughter attracted the interest of a hyena during mating season.

18. I’m on the governments “no fly” list because i once bit a flight attendant in the neck. Thank god for private planes.

19. I suffer from halitosis.

20. I am 1/32nd vampire.

21. Are we almost done? We just fired the guy that used to handle all of my counting duties.

22. Lou Holtz gave me a job, but only after taking my virginity.

23. I used to wrestle in Mexico under the alias “El Burro Impotente”

24. I have never taken a bowel movement.

25. Spit roasting is easily the best way to cook fresh puppy. If you’re using canned puppy then you sicken me to my very core.

Image via The Bog

The Draft is slowly approaching. Slowly, slowly approaching. And what better way to get to know each of the potential picks than via the wildly popular “25 Random Things About Me” Facebook craze that’s sweeping the nation? Today, we learn 25 random things about Georgia QB Matthew Stafford, projected by many to be the top overall pick.

1. “I like cold beer AND HOT SLUTS! WOOOOOOOOO BABY FUCK YEAH!”

2. “I was born in 1852 and served in the Irish Senate before dying in 1950. Wait, that was another Matthew Stafford? I feel like I kinda remember all that.”

3. “One time I painted my roommate’s toenails black. He got really mad about it. Probably because he was allergic to nail polish. Oh, well. Fuck him. He’s dead now.”

4. “I fucking hate relish. It looks like you chewed up a pickle and barfed it onto my hot dog. Ewwww!”

5. “I’m not very good.”

6. “I was in a shower gangbang once. I didn’t like it, because at one point I got soap in my eyes. By the time I had gotten the soap out, I realized the girl had fled, and that I was banging Tony. TONE! THE FUCK, MAN?!”

7. “Best concert I ever saw in person? Shania. Definitely. Fuck, she’s hot.”

8. “Sometimes I floss with my own hair. And I eat the skin off my heel. It’s like Jack Link’s, only it doesn’t cost you five bucks a pack.”

9. “I’m a slob. I admit it. That’s why my apartment always smells like old milkshakes.”

10. “I have no desire to travel to Europe. One time I had this girlfriend who’s was all gung ho about going over there and I was like, do they have Cheesecake Factory over there? And she was like, no. And I was like, have fun cutie. I don’t wanna go anywhere that doesn’t have a Cheesecake Factory. That’s my money place.”

11. “I’m really getting tired of people offering me Eclipse gum. How about a beer, gang? Beer is better.”

12. “People always told me I had a strong arm. And I guess I always took it for granted. They day I realized I had a real cannon tucked away under here was the day in 7th grade when I stole Tim Ferry’s retainer and hucked it all the way across the river. Tim Ferry was mentally retarded, so when I took out his retainer, you could really see how fucked up his teeth were. They had this weird yellow paste on them and everything. Then he had to kinda slow kid limp all the way to go get it. Girls were laughing. I high fived Johnny after that. It was awesome.”

13. “I like the top part of the English muffin, but not the bottom.”

14. “Anyone else notice the UGA library is way too hot? Jesus.”

15. “Why should I be the number one pick? I think because I know how to lead. Like when I throw a party at the Pleasure Dome (that’s our apartment), tons of fucking people show up. I don’t think you can teach that kind of magnetism.”

16. “I gotta get better at Rock Band. For real.”

17. “Whenever I buy a pair of sweatpants, I always end up losing one side of the drawstring in one the holes in front. They should make some kind of special knot that keeps the drawstring from disappearing in there.”

18. “Favorite movie? Gotta be Meet The Spartans. Fucking kills me every time, man.”

19. “I always thought washing vegetables was stupid. My mom made me do it. Then one day I tried to make a salad for this girl. Only I didn’t wash the lettuce, and the salad turned out all gritty and nasty. Totally cost me a BJ.”

20. “I can bench press 345. I guarantee you Mark Sanchez can’t do that.”

21. “I can’t walk by a Corvette without stopping first and taking a good, long look.”

22. “I’ve heard people say I call my penis THE STAFF. I’m not gonna confirm or deny that. I’ll just leave that to your imagination.”

23. “My only tattoo is a tatt I have of a rooster on my leg. Because you gotta get up pretty early in the morning to outhustle me.”

24. “I fucking hate waking up early.”

25. “When I was twelve, I stole my dad’s pickup truck and drove it all the way to Tennessee before I totally freaked out about how far I’d gone. So I turned around started home. Only I ran out of gas somewhere in the middle of West Georgia. I managed to flag down this one guy in an old pickup truck. When he got out, I asked for a ride. And he said sure, but only if I ‘repaid the favor’. Then he tried to grab my cock. And that totally freaked me out, so I ended up pinning him down and smashing his face in with my dad’s old carphone. Then I siphoned off his gas and drove the hell off. He was old, so I’m pretty sure no one noticed. Still, that was really creepy. Glad I got away without having to suck the guy’s dick or something.”