Every so often, a sports team or figure arrives that is so successful, yet so loathsome, that my only consolation is to remind myself of the fleeting nature of athletic prowess. “Just wait,” I tell myself. “They will be out of the league sooner or later.” Example: I hated Bill Laimbeer so much when I was a kid, all I could do was tell myself that one day his skills would diminish and he would be cast out of the game and I would never have to think about him again. Later in the late 1990s, when the wheezy old Dallas Cowboys warhorse finally ran itself into the ground, my friends and I toasted their demise with many rounds of bourbon shots.

I mention this now because I am absolutely giddy over the events that are about to unfold. You see, the Patriots’ run at or near the top of the league is just about over. They are done. Finished. His-toe-ree.

It’s possible, but unlikely, they will be able to squeak past the Ravens this weekend. But after that, it is all over and the Patriots will be once again relegated to the scrap heap of mediocrity. I hope Magary has wrung every last drop of comedy from the Tommy from Quinzee teat, because this time next year that premise will be about as relevant as “Kevin from St. Pete” or “Lance from Sausalito”.

I realize that some of our New England readers will chalk this sentiment up to wishful thinking on my part, or perhaps mere hyperbole designed to live up to the title of the “Hater’s Guide” series– but rest assured that is not the case. Signs of the Patriots’ imminent collapse abound. For instance, the statute of limitations appears to have expired on whatever concealed felonies Bill Belichick was holding over Randy Moss’ head in order to keep him focused and obedient. This season’s erratic play has convinced me that Moss is done. Without Moss playing at his former level, defenses will be free to finally crush that little bugpuke Wes Welker (whose knee is oatmeal now). Welker is done too.

Belichick, the philandering misanthrope that engineered the massive fraud and cheating that allowed his team to win three Super Bowls, will be among the first to go. He’d rather chase married poon than stick around while his legacy erodes. Belichick is done. Their crumbling defense is taking its final gasps. It’s been teetering ever since the team panicked and grossly overpaid to get Adalius Thomas. The defense is also done. Tom Brady might not be finished quite yet, but his career is circling the bowl. He has to be getting sick of getting the shit kicked out of him every week. I predict he will either walk away or succumb to injuries in the very near future. For all intents and purposes Brady is done too.

The Patriots have been crammed down our throats for years while their cheating ways were largely ignored at first, and then quickly forgotten. I despise the Patriots with every fiber of my being and I hope horrible things happen to them now and well into the future. This vintage of the Patriots has been a pustule on the ass of our true national pastime for far too long, but now their death is nigh. I hate the Patriots. I hate their fans. And I hope they all burn in hell forever and ever.

And one more thing… IT WAS A FUCKING FUMBLE!!!

Dude, check this scene from “Entourage”!

So Turtle rolls up in the golf cart while the guys are playing golf with Tom Brady and Marky Mark, right?  And he brought water because E was hanging out with some octogenarian!  Dude, Turtle knows the word “octogenarian”!  He’s hella smart!  And he “forgot” water for Brady, because Turtle’s a Giants fan!  Ha ha, your bitch ass got OWNED, Brady!  18-1!  18-1!  Nice one, Turtle!  Fist bump!

Dude.  But then Tom Brady’s all nice and cool and says that they should hang out.  Because Tom Brady’s the MAN, yo!  And Turtle could be down, because whatever, dude’s married to Gisele, right?  I’d hit that.  I’d wear that Brazilian ass OUT.  She couldn’t get enough of this, bro.  Then Marky Mark’s all “Stop eye-fucking Tom Brady” to Turtle, because Marky Mark will CALL YOU ON YOUR SHIT.  You see The Departed, bro?  Fuckin EVERYONE got their fuckin head blown off.  Fuckin’ awesome.  That’s how I’d do shit if I was a cop.  Just BLAM!  Dead.

Then Drama changes the subject, because that’s what Drama does.  He’s wearin’ fuckin’ stupid clothes, because Drama don’t give a shit.  Drama fuckin’ OWNS.

A Pittsburgh-area printing company is releasing its newest Pittsburgh Steelers T-shirt today to area retailers. All Pro Embroidery and Screen Printing is releasing its “On The Road To Sixburgh” T-shirt to retailers as the Steelers attempt to be the first franchise to win six Super Bowls.

Steelers MVP linebacker and NFL Defensive Player Of The Year James Harrison is featured on the shirt.

Their next line of shirts? Hopefully something like, “Big Ben Has Full Recovery From Concussion.” Dickbags.

[WPXI]

LaToeInjury and his merry band of SoCal underachievers attempt to exact revenge on a Patriots team that has consistently bedeviled them over the past few years. This Nike ad posits that LDT’s and Troy Polamalu’s entire lives have been building up to Troy tackling Tomlinson in the open field after an 8-yard run. Where’s the containment, Aaron Smith?

Okay, so Pittsburgh and San Diego don’t play for another month and a half. For tonight’s purposes you’ll have to pretend that’s Rodney Harrison in Polamalu’s stead. I’m sure his back story consists of more HGH injections and late hits and fewer liftings of lava rocks.

[Shutdown Corner]

Some blessed footage from the cheerleader Rack-Cam after the jump.

And, as always, kudos to NBC on the obligatory cheerleader shots.

Yeah this is a tad creepy, but I checked out the faux Brady’s website to confirm it’s just a sketch. Turns out he’s a comedian named Theo Von. According to his bio, Von– who has attended more colleges than Sarah Palin and Willie Williams combined– is a veteran of NBC’s “Last Comic Standing” and MTV’s “Road Rules”. With a resume like that, this video would have to be considered his Citizen Kane.

There could be worse fates than bearing a slight resemblance to a dude for whom women (and Alex Rodriguez) want to drop their panties. For instance, I’ve been told at various points that I look like Ari Fleischer and Jared from Subway. Let that mental picture sink in, ladies. SEXAY!!!!

Thanks to KSK reader Richie H. for the tip.

We kid Patriot fans a lot around here, but we do it out of love. And by that I mean love for the traffic they bring our site—not that band of dickholes they cheer for. But in the interests of presenting an honest, unbiased look at Patriots fans, we offer this clip shot at the tailgate before and after last week’s star-crossed victory over the Chiefs. We’ve taken the liberty of providing a running commentary, so you won’t miss a thing…

00:05-00:41 Before our host takes us around the paahking laaaht, he mocks Brodie Croyle for not being Tom Brady. I can think of something that Croyle can do that Brady can’t… WALK, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

00:50 “Why do all the women look like they were bussed in from 1982?”- Drew

1:04 Gratuitous jail-bait crotch shot. You’re welcome.

1:10 Chiefs fan leaves Pats fan hanging. He better hope that chintzy plastic batting helmet can withstand a Sam Adams bottle thrown at close range.

1:15 Kid wastes beer, looks for place to puke.

1:19 You Mu’s sure can party!!!

1:22 The Cavalcade of Morons begins.

1:32 “We have to post that Pats video. The guy with the Yankees Suck shirt saying ‘One and oh’ to the camera is enough.” – Christmas Ape

1:44 Real Deal in the hizzy!!!

1:53 Mother of four rocking the Bruschi tshirt. Her drunken stagger/dance leads me to believe that Tedy is a distant-second on her list of favorite “brewskis”.

2:11 Please don’t scare us like that. Our east-coast readers are trying to enjoy their lunch.

2:20 Inexplicable rant against a former Patriot great. HOW DARE YOU TAKE CONSIDERABLY MORE MONEY TO PLAY SOMEWHERE ELSE ON THE BACKSIDE OF YOUR CAREER!!!

2:29 Tommy fom Quinzee’s pals offer divergent opinions on the quality of Matt Cassel.

2:49 ZOMG!!! A minority, who let him in?!?

3:00 She thinks “her friend” Tom Brady might be hurt. Similarly, I can’t wait until “my friend” Tiger Woods is healthy enough for us to play nine at the local par-3 course.

3:30 Our host wraps things up and includes a heart-felt shout out to Danny O’Shea in Guatemala, who is bravely serving our country in……. the Peace Corps? Are you shitting me? Screw that hippie.

You might remember when we posted Greatest Croaks’ tribute to the Cowboys’ Hail Mary win over the Vikes in the 1975 playoff (by the way Part IV of that epic saga is now online—you can tell it’s epic by my use of Roman numerals, just like a Rocky movie or a Led Zeppelin album). Anyhoo, he’s back with his tribute to the Patriots as they battle with the Jets—complete with spy-cams galore. I admire Charlie X’s no-nonsense approach and would totally do his sometime time girlfriend Erica. Is the Mangini resemblance uncanny or what? Too bad this video came out days before Chad Penningtoad was replaced by Brett Frogvre.

AND YOU GO AND GIVE IT TO THE FACKIN’ GIANTS! FACK YOU! SACK MY FACKIN’ CAWK, YAH FACKIN’ ANKLEGRABBAHS!

(opens tin of Kodiak, tucks entire tin into lower lip)

Everyone knows that Kevin fackin’ Yooookulus and my boys deserved that fackin’ steel buttplug of a trophy you hand out. YOOOOOOOK!!!! My fackin’ boys were-ah the dawninant farce is awl of sparts last yee-ah. HOW DAY-UH YOU DENY THEM THE AWAAAAD THEY EARNED!

(spits into Snapple bottle)

I will NEVAH get ovah this, you fackin’ ball lickahs! This one’s a real stomach punch! I had to cawl my dad seven times last night just to make shar he wasn’t killed by yar fackin’ snub. And seein’ as how he drinks six handles of Popov a day, that’s nevah a safe bet! I myself had two listen tah two Incubus reckaaads in a row just tah calm myself down.

But that didn’t wark. So I kicked my garlfriend in the tits.

(spits into Snapple bottle)

I should have seen this coming. I knew you fackahs in Bristol ah biased towards New Yark. You always have been. YOU CONNECTICUT FACKS AAAAAHN’T TRUE NEW ENGLANDAHS! Oh, you may have lovely small towns and neglected shithole cities filled with shiftless dahkies, just like Mass, BUT YOU AAAAAHN’T FACKIN’ HAAAAHDCOR-UH LIKE US AND YAH NEVAH WILL BE! FACK YOU!

(spits into Snapple bottle)

You wish you were-ah fackin’ REAL Sawx fans like me and my buddy Sal, who just became a Sawx fan three yea-ahs ago, but yar nawt! YAH JUST FACKIN’ AMATCHAHS! It’s clear you know nothing about fackin’ sparts, nor could you pawssibly appreciate them on thah level that we legendary Baaaston fans do. If you did, you nevah would have given that fackin’ awaaahd to those faggots on the Giants!

(fills Snapple bottle with spit. Places it on “Dip Trophy” shelf. Opens Fruitopia bottle. Pours out Fruitopia. Spits into Fruitopia bottle)

The fackin’ Giants ahhh the best team in the warld? THEY WEREN’T EVEN THE BEST TEAM IN THE NFL! Everyone knows that Tawmmy Brady and my boy Billy Belichick were-ah the fackin’ cream of the NFL crawp last season. They were-ah the best team! They just happened to lose Supah Bowl Farty Two! The Giants gawt fackin’ lucky! The Pats still went 16-0 in the regulah season. You know how many othah teams have done that? Fackin’ zero! That’s history. Yar fackin’ denying history. YAH PRAWBABLY ALSO WANT TO DENY THE HAWLOCAWST, YOU FACKS! HAWLOCAWST DENY-AH! HAWLOCAWST DENY-AH! HAWLOCAWST DENY-AH!

(spits into Fruitopia bottle)

To deny my beloved Red Sawx and my somewhat beloved Pats they-ah rightful place in history is a fackin’ great disgrace upawn the reputation of needless awaaahd shows. You’ve lawst yah credibility, yah fackin’ ASSTHUMBAHS! This is the warst thing that has evah fackin’ happened in the history of everything evah. Even warse than when Karn cancelled they-ah consart in WOOSTAH! I was gawnna drawp acid that night! And I did!

(fills Fruitopia bottle. Spits on floor)

But you underestimate the great resawlve of the legendary Beantown faithful. We’ll get ovah this. Togethah. We’re-ah ah fackin’ tight knit town. We stick togethah. Except for those fackin’ nips on my cawnah. I hope they get fackin’ sent back to the fackin’ rice paddies! Ching chong cho, yah fackin’ gooks. LESS GOOKS, MOR-AH YOOOOOOOOKS!!!!

We survive. We endur-ah. Know why? Becawse we have charactah. You wouldn’t fackin’ undahstand that. But we do. We’ve lived through some haaaahd times. And this is one of those times. To think I was enjoyin’ another fackin’ Celtics title just a couple weeks ago, only to be knawked down by you facks once again.

(spits on floor)

Well, we’ll show you. We’ll get ow-uh ESPY, and then we’ll rub in yah fackin’ face UNTIL YOU WANT TO DIE! SUCK ON THAT, JIZZDRINKAHS!!!!

How kickass was the George Michael Sports Machine back in the late 80′s/early 90s? The hokey phony sports computer equipment notwithstanding, his show was must-see on Sunday nights– Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann be damned. The clip below details the 1993 regular season finale between the playoff-bound Steelers and the Bill Belichick’s Cleveland Browns.

Belichick was fresh off his dumbass decision to cut starting QB and local folk-hero Bernie Kosar in favor of Todd Philcox. You all remember the great Todd Philcox, don’t you? They built a 50-foot statute in his honor in front of Severance Hall after he won his third league MVP award. Just kidding, he was a fucking bum.

Anyway, after Neil O’Donnell led the Steelers to a come from behind win, Belichick was in no mood for post-game pleasantries. He even goes as far as to leave Greg Lloyd hanging. What a class act.

Fast-forward fourteen years, Belichick has long since shed his image of a losing philanderer with the manners of pillaging Visigoth. Now he’s known far and wide as a choking philanderer with the manners of a pillaging Visigoth. Enjoy.

[ top image via SbB ]