Not only did the Lions NOT learn from Jon Kitna’s 10-win guarantee two seasons ago, their front office is still hilariously cutting corners. Yahoo’s Michael Silver pulls two Millenesque examples of Detroit being Detroit in his most recent column. The man making the Kitna-like promise? Second-year tailback Kevin Smith, who wrote on his blog:
“We will definitely make the playoffs this season. Believe it or not we weren’t far off last year. Almost every game we could have won, we were one play or one player short. Except for Tennessee on Thanksgiving, they just came out and beat us to sleep. They manhandled us, but nobody else did.”
That’s a totally fair and accurate assess– **COUGH**Week 2 vs. Green Bay: L, 48-25 / Week 3 at San Fancisco: L, 31-13 / Week 5 vs. Chicago: L, 34-7 / Week 10 vs. Jacksonville: 38-14 / Week 12 vs. Tampa Bay: 38-20 / Week 16 vs. New Orleans: L, 42-7**COUGH** Sorry, I just can’t seem to shake this swine flu.
Oh but wait: there’s more. The other slice of trivia pie (it’s orange for sports & leisure!) from Silver is this story from Terry Foster of the Detroit News:
Lions season-ticket holder Todd Taylor , who commutes from Chicago to attend Lions home games, and his buddy Jim Allen from Royal Oak were stoked when Taylor won a replica Kevin Smith jersey during the Lions’ draft party at Ford Field.
But something was strange about the No. 34 jersey. The Smith name on the back looked bulky. So they cut it off and were shocked to see the name Jones underneath.
It appears the Lions repurposed some old Kevin Jones jerseys, turning them into Smith jerseys and gave them away to season-ticket holders.
Oh man, I hope Matt Stafford doesn’t wear #8 next season. Just think of all those priceless Kitna jerseys that might get ruined!
Sunday’s Simpsons episode was another eminently unfunny installment in the years long death rattle the show has been publicly undergoing, one that will endure for at least another two years. But it did have one good football related visual gag, when Channel 4 ran a doctored picture of Flanders in a hatchet story about him booting the Simpsons out of their home after he bought in on the cheap in an auction.
Don’t take the ribbing too hard Lions fans. Remember when the show ripped on the Broncos in the Hank Scorpio episode and the team proceeded to win the next two Super Bowls? Well, that won’t happen to you, but it’s a nice thought, huh?
[A procession of kazoo players enter from a hallway, followed by a regal figure]
Fail Lion: My brothers! Today we mourn a great loss from our Royal Court of Fail. News comes from the field that Sir Buzzsaw has entered into the Nation of the Super Bowl dwellers.
Saint Jester: Impossible!
The Brown Knight: It cannot be so! [Throws empty beer bottle]
Fail Lion: Do not let your emotions sway your thoughts. Today is truly a sad one, but we will muddle on, as we always do.
Saint Jester: But what of his post?
Fail Lion: That is the very matter upon which we must ruminate this day. Sir Buzzsaw served this court admirably for generations as a specialist in matters of irrelevancy and fan apathy.
Jaguar serf: Well I don’t care much for my team. In fact, I only wear this cranial adornment because I found it in the parking lot.
The Brown Knight: Yes! The Jaguar! His people care little of the fortunes of their flag.
Fail Lion: But can the Jaguar be trusted? Remember, now, it was his squadron that came close twice in its formative years to fleeing our ranks.
Texan knave: TEXANS! NUMBER ONE!
Saint Jester: Yes, but who among us has not had a brush with near-success? It was just two years ago that I nearly trod onto those Super Bowl grounds.
Texan knave: WE BEAT THE COWBOYS ONCE! TEXANS! NUMBER ONE!
Fail Lion: Yours is a fair point, jester. Let it be so. Approach, serf.
Are you ready to ignore the shifting fortunes of your team? Only to adopt them should be make the promised land?
Jaguar serf: Sure. I guess. Me and Matt Jones are gonna score good drugs no matter what.
Fail Lion: Then I shall decree it. I dub thee, Sir Jaguar. Noble paladin of fan apathy.
As much as I want us to bear witness to history-making ineptitude, I have several friends who are Lions fans, and they’re all in complete denial that this is going to happen. “No, they’re winning Sunday,” they’ve issued in terse statements before quickly changing the subject. It’s sad enough to elicit pity from my cold, unfeeling heart. Obviously, should the loss happen, Detroit has to embrace it wholesale and hang a perfect 0-16 regular season banner a la the Patriots and their 16-0 chokery celebration. Or riot and burn what remains of the city down. Either way.
The fate of the other half of the NFC North, the half that will produce a Wild Card game loser, will be settled as the Vikes host a Giants team playing for nothing (and with nothing as Mittens gets some PT) and the Bears, who lost Mike Brown for the season much later than expected, head to a Houston to face a team looking to shore up its record with enough garbage wins to dupe prognosticators enough to dub them a sleeper team for next year.
Hey, loogit this license plate I saw the other day.
It’s like it’s Beyonce’s car! I bet it was!
The Bills have a chance to fuck the Broncos and Patriots’ playoff hopes in consecutive weeks, which is about as much as you can hope for when your team is destined to be at home next week. C’mon Bills, don’t deprive us of the chance to pull for Miami and (guh) Baltimore to win to keep a 11-5 New England team out of the playoffs.
Rested starters to screw fantasy leagues dumb enough to hold championships in Week 17: Tennessee visits Indy and Carolina ventures to the The Big East. The Steelers, a team hated by KSK commenters and Lil Wayne alike, attempt to extend their winning streak to 11 games over the once-rival Browns. Standing in their way is Pittsburgh native Bruce Gradkowski, proof positive that those Western Pennsylvania QB products don’t always turn out to be Montana/Marino/Unitas.
Al Davis minus sentience or Jon Gruden sans a caring Monte Kiffin? WHO YA GOT?
Most of you will be pissed when you realize this post has nothing to do with the Pittsburgh Steelers. There’s a bigger towel to trample right now, and it sits on a patch of dirt in the shitheap of incompetence listed on your maps as Detroit, Michigan. We’re on the cusp of history; The Detroit Lions are 0-15, a scenario that can break exactly one of two ways. Option A: Detroit upsets the Packers in Week 17, in Green Bay, where they haven’t won in 17 years. Or, Option B: The Lions continue their mastery of scoring fewer points than the other team and ride that shit-stained chariot of ineptitude into immortality.
Either way, we hold this truth to be self-evident: one week from today, Rod Marinelli’s ass is gone. Marinelli is the most visible remnant of the Old Millen Regime, and it wouldn’t be unfair to say that he couldn’t coach 50 ccs of semen into Brady Quinn’s mouth. But let’s not hang this all on Rod. He’s had help from this amazing cadre of fuckups:
JOE BARRY: DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR
How great a coach is Joe? Who cares? Barry married Rod’s daughter, which means the Lions’ defensive coordinator is also the head coach’s son-in-law! And is that his daddy Mike that’s an assistant for the offensive line? It’s like a family reunion in there. But now who brings the buffalo wings to film study?
Perhaps the worst indictment of Joe Barry is that he doesn’t even run his own defensive meetings; Marinelli does. Okay, fine, but who holds Joe’s dick when he takes a piss?
KIPPY BROWN: PASSING GAME COORDINATOR
Passing game? That passing game that ranks in the bottom five in every conceivable category? Luckily, your office is probably smaller than Marinelli’s, which should make it even faster to clean out! But chin up, Kippy. You’ll have plenty of time to prepare for an offseason of fruitless, token head coaching interviews!
STAN KWAN: SPECIAL TEAMS
Colch speciar teems fol Deetloit Rions? No smirre!
So this team didn’t shit the bed 15 times by accident. And Rob Parker, a Detriot-area columnist who might describe his entire career as oh and fifteen, had as much nerve to ask Marinelli as much in the postgame press conference when Parker asked, “Do you wish your daughter had married a better defensive coordinator?”
And Parker’s an authority on incompetence. In fact, Parker was once called been called The Worst Columnist In America! By The Big Lead! That’s like Keanu Reeves calling Heath Ledger lifeless! But Florio joined the FOX panel in pooh-poohing the move, saying that “Parker’s question had no redeeming value or purpose.”
Oh, I beg to differ.
I beg to differ because I am so goddamned sick of every shitty coach in America sitting behind a microphone after his team gets its ass whipped and tell everyone how they’re gonna work hard and fix everything next week. YOU ARE OH AND MOTHERFUCKING FIFTEEN! YOU HAVE FAILED MORE THAN ANY FOOTBALL TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF THE SPORT. YOU DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING CLUE WHAT YOU’RE DOING! STAN KWAN HAS ALREADY COMMITTED SEPPUKU, FOR FUCK’S SAKE. AT LEAST HE HAS A SENSE OF SHAME!
Get pissed. Punch a baby. Drag your wife around the block by her hair. Do SOMETHING that would indicate any degree of displeasure with your record. Because you couldn’t suck a bigger dick if that dick got horrible gas mileage and had a terrible resale value. And you ought know, shitbag! You work in Detroit!
I can’t wait until you get fired and you make that shiteating grimace at the press conference to say, “What, me? Are you serious? I thought we were doing okay.” No, you are not doing okay, and you’re down to six days to master not doing okay, because your ass will go the way of the Edsel. Dickbag.
Rob Parker can see this. Why can’t you? Because you suck. Now start acting like it.
Lions center Dominic Raiola don’t take kindly to you heckling his 0-13 team. Asked yesterday if he regrets flipping off Detroit fans during the loss Sunday against the Vikings, he responded, “I don’t take one thing back. I’ll say the same thing to a fan that I see in the street. I wish I could give my address out to some fans. I’ll do that. But, you know, I can’t. Nobody plays with fists. Everybody wants to play with metal. So I can’t. I’m so frustrated. I’m tired of being a doormat for people to just talk to us how they want to talk to us. I’m just not going to put up with it anymore.”
Hey, forget your address, Dominic. The Palace of Auburn Hills is always a great place to beat up fans.
This game is only a quarter old and it already has to be one of the ugliest performances by a pro team I’ve ever seen. The Lions defense is selling out on every play, allowing Chris Johnson to go untouched on two touchdown runs. The Detroit offense had a delay of game penalty coming out of a timeout and they just booted a 10 yard punt. This is a team that thought they could benefit from the spotlight.
This game is so lopsided, we might even see Vince Young at some point.
