In case you need to get caught up on the NFL goings-on from over the weekend, you’re in luck – nothing much happened. Yup, it’s still the middle of May. Barring inevitable run-ins with the law, it’s gonna be like this for a little while. Anyway, Factory of Sadness corner Joe Haden took a high school senior to her prom, sparing her from being the latest to take a cardboard cut-out of Tebow. DeSean Jackson got pulled over on the way to his own charity event, causing the receiver to kick out all the local media he had invited. As long as cruelty eventually gets paid forward to the media, it’s well worth it. And the ongoing Twitter war of accusatory softness between Osi Umenyiora and LeSean McCoy continued to great fanfare:

Oh dip! Osi said LeSean is a mom! Probably a low blow to make light of an extreme human oddity like that. In other news, Eagles players cobbled together money to get LeSean a trip to the local spa, while Andy Reid chipped in a coupon for “one free day of no cooking or participating in the two-minute offense even though we’re driving to tie in the 4th quarter”.

My plan for last week’s Sexy Friday was to take us on a wild ride through history, but that got pushed to the backburner, and for a very good reason. But now we’re back on track, and I’m ready to take you all in a ride in my Sexy Friday Time Machine. For the sake of continuity, let’s say it’s a Rob Ryan F*ck Van.

Today we travel back to 1979, thanks to the fine people at Retronaut, who uncovered a copy of a 33-year old Victoria’s Secret catalog. And I was checking out the Angels of yesteryear and wondering, “Just how shag is that carpet, and how do they match up to the Angels that we’ve been appreciating in the here and now?”

Strap yourselves in and prepare to cast judgment, friends, because where we’re going… we don’t need bras.

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When people want to decry the latent homoeroticism of football, one thing they usually poke fun at is the center-quarterback exchange, what with there being a guy hunched behind another guy, with his hand up his butt. What? That’s not gay. Next thing you’ll tell me it’s weird that my buddies and I our check each others’ prostate twice daily. That’s safety, jerks.

Anyway, Aaron Rodgers is sufficiently mature and comfortable with himself to discuss the subject, specifically his preference in center butt. And, what do you know? Jeff Saturday has the ideal center ass. You spoiled Peyton all those years, Jeff. It won’t be the NeckAIDs that does in Ol’ Battleship. It’ll be the substandard center ass.

“There’s two main components that a center needs to have, and it’s not quickness or agility or snapping or anything. It’s two things: One, he has to have a good height, and I’m talking about where his butt rests. It can’t be too low because I don’t wanna get deep in that stance and it can’t be too high so I feel like I’m standing up. It’s gotta be just right. He’s got that.”

“It’s a feel. My center in college was about my height and he’s real low in his stance. So it made me have to kinda duck down a little bit. It’s hard to get out of center. Scott Wells — my previous center — [and] Jeff Saturday: great height. Great butt height.”

Great butt height. Lofty butt height. Very tight butthole.

Another concern for Rodgers is ass sweat, which he said that Packers backup center Evan Dietrich-Smith has major issues with.

“When you get that ball snapped up and there’s a lot of sweat that just splashes all over you and on your hands and the ball — it’s not a good situation. So he actually has changed at halftime before. So those are the two things you look for: butt height and sweating. Jeff’s doing really well in both categories. … Low sweat ratio and solid butt height.”

Prototypical dry ass, Jeff Saturday has it. You could play a game in the Amazon and there wouldn’t be so much as a droplet on that thing. On occasion, it can be used a desk. None of your papers will be soiled, unless you want them to be.

The Vikings are getting their new $975 million stadium. With inevitable cost overruns, that billion dollar mark shouldn’t be too difficult to eclipse. Just a few late upgrades to luxury suites should take care of it. Of course, the city and state are getting fleeced on the deal, as all local and state governments tend to in these situations, so I was just about ready to feel bad for some Minnesotans until I saw this photo from a pro-stadium fan protest with a sign claiming that the Vikes were Favre’s last mistress, and so should be preserved for the sake of history. Worst justification of existence ever.

Meanwhile, Florio, sensing another trolling opportunity, decreed that the Rams are now the official Franchise In Danger of Relocation, with his Vikings being safely secured in Minny once more. The underlying idea works for me. L.A. should have a chance to lose both of its franchises twice. Al Davis would’ve been down for another 12-year Raiders displacement.

- Brandon Marshall says even Jerry Rice wouldn’t have been able to succeed with the Dolphins. If all 16 Brandon Marshall personalities couldn’t make a go of it, what makes us think just one Jerry Rice could?

- Factory of Sadness defensive tackle Phil Taylor has reportedly tore his left pectoral muscle, which could cost him the entire 2012 season. That’s unfortunate, but at least it gives him more time to troll racist dickheads on airplanes.

- The Redskins new alternate unis are a bit Boston College-y. Appropriate, as the ‘Skins might just be good enough this year to finish third in the ACC.

- After it was reported yesterday that the Jets were still in the running to be on “Hard Knocks” again, now word has come down that the Jets have been ruled out for the second or third time this off-season. Christ, this isn’t the lockout, HBO. Just figure it out, already.

- Don’t mind me, just gonna be sitting here screeching “IT’S A F*CKING ALL-STAR GAME!” for the rest of the day.

Earlier this week President Obama came out (insinuation!) in favor of gay marriage because he’s a secret gay socialist pirate who wants to force your teenage son to enter in to a three-way marriage with a Chinese Sharp-Pei and an old man who dresses like Truman Capote.

But what if you had the president’s ear and could get him to go on Good Morning America and throw his support behind the cause of your choice? Would you take the opportunity to end the embargo on Cuba, or go with something less political, like forbidding The Awl from publishing any more bullsh*t lists (f*ck your ground beef)?

I’ll start things of with an easy one. Legalize it.

While the ol’ ball and chain tools about town in her fleet of Mercedes, the Wolfman has something a little more his speed: a 1999 Ford Econoline Conversion Van. It’s every bit the sketchy dungeon of filth and smelly moistness we would expect out of Rob Ryan, so of course he speaks of it as lovingly as PK would of Allagash.

If you haven’t watched this video, I cannot stress enough that you must stop everything, quit your job, leave your family and spend the next four months viewing it on loop. Because the video hosted on the Cowboys official website (!!!) doesn’t include an embed option, I’ve included the version above from YouTube in which someone made the obvious connection to the classic Chris Farley “van down by the river” sketch and spliced the two together. Here’s the genuine article, in case you would like unbroken distilled Wolfman character. UPDATE: SportsGrid has an embeddable version, if you’re so interested. I’m too lazy to swap them out now. #Fridays

OW-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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