NO DICK, WE’RE NOT HIRING. Dick Jauron was fired by the Buffalo Bills yesterday. And yet Charlie Weis is free to graze around South Bend without so much as a cattle prod. Too bad for Jauron; his teams always seemed so well-prepared. And they had such depth. And they routinely play in such pleasant conditions. the monolith.

Image courtesy of NY Post via Upstate Underdog

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Donovan McNabb: Damn, man. You couldn’t have waited one more week to get your form back? What got into you?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Wife got pregnant.

Donovan McNabb: How does that work?

LaDainian Tomlinson: sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex

Donovan McNabb: And then?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Egg fertilized.

Donovan McNabb: And then?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Cells divide.

Donovan McNabb: And then?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Pee on stick.

Donovan McNabb: And then?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Positive test.

Donovan McNabb: And then?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Surprise in my locker.

Donovan McNabb: And then?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Two touchdowns.

Donovan McNabb: Wow, that’s crazy. I gotta try that sometime.

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Wade: Gosh dangit. We had to go and ruin a perfectly good four-game winnin’ streak by strollin’ into Green Bay and layin’ a darn egg! Ugh.

Well, guess I better get to work. We got those pesky Redskins comin’ in this week, and I know darn well they’ll be loaded for bear. I better study some tape. Except… aw hell, no one around. No need to get cracking just YET. Lemme just play one game of solitaire. Helps sharpen the ol’ noggin.

(opens up solitaire game)

Oh, that’s a lousy draw.

(resets the game 50 times)

Ah, much better. Now, to just drag these three aces up to the top…

(door flies open)

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Well then it would almost certainly look just like this, only with a few more homoerotic double entendres. [Funny or Die]

It makes you wonder how Flacco didn’t make this post.

The Browns are hanging with the Ravens through the first quarter, even if that isn’t likely to continue. Making Bawlmer burn their entire complement of first half timeouts in eight minutes will probably be the top Cleveland accomplishment of the evening, not that the Ravens will really need them. Mike Tirico did sneak in a Bert Flacco reference, however, which can’t begin to atone for Gruden dubbing (before even kickoff, mind you) Jarret Johnson “The Anvil,” Terrell Suggs “Clubber Lang” and Ray Lewis “The Master of Disaster” but then with this booth you take anything worthwhile you can get.

UPDATE: Upon further review, I suppose Tirico is saying “Birk-Flacco”. That’s what I get for thinking anyone in this booth could say something halfway interesting.

Or, alternatively: X MARKS THE RAPIST.

Yes, that’s Shawne Merriman with the logo for something called POWERADE ION4 shaved into the side of his head, because who wants Brent Celek to get away with being the biggest guerrilla marketing whore in the NFL? Puhlease. Who’s he ever forced himself on? I mean, besides my mom.

All you future sexual assailants out there better get with this Powerade stuff, especially now that they’re outlawing Joose (the bastards). It promises revitalized, angry sperm.

Everyone got so swept up in Patriots chokery, it’s like they forgot all about Steelers schadenfreude. Yesterday the Bengals essentially locked up the AFC North by completing a sweep of the Steelers thanks to getting one of those unglamorous tough slog victories that the Steelers are notorious for boring people with. Punte would have a celebratory rant but he’s more quiet about his homerism, which is why he’s a stand-up good egg kind of fellow, and not a raving jackass like myself. Suffice it to say, today I am a sad Steeler fag. And sideways-camera-holding fat guy who wears Oakleys on overcast days clearly did tell us Steeler fags that he would do something crazy this week if Cincy won, like burn a towel or submit a job application. I’d probably be upset if I didn’t do this myself three months ago.

Maybe we’ll be treated to a Saints-Bengals Super Bowl, so Who Deys and Who Dats can get together and finally get some long-awaited answers.

BOLD SUPER BOWL PREDICTION

Dats 30
Deys 23

Sorry, Deys.

/braces for annoying fellow Steelers fans who will claim that this guy just cursed Cincinnati or cursed himself or cursed roads and also cursed fire and placed a low calorie curse on Miller Lite for daring to desecrate a Terrible Towel.

NOW THAT IS A LEGALLY BINDING CONTRACT FOR LONG-TERM EMPLOYMENT! THAT IS OUTSTANDING BOILERPLATE LEGALESE! I’M GONNA CALL THIS GUY “THE NEGOTIATOR” Why, God, whyyyyyyyy? F*ckface cliche machine Jon Gruden has reportedly agreed to a long-term deal to remain in the Monday Night Football booth, thus ensuring that we will be subbing more future live blogs to the Sunday night game. He’s also going to contribute to college football coverage, but who cares? He can ruin that all he likes so long as he quits telling me about THIS GUY on Monday nights.

When we last left professional groin watcher Peter King, he was growing up before our very eyes, stomping all over poor Taylor Swift’s red dress with his size 14 circus feet, and finding himself entranced by Peyton Manning’s words. Oh, Peyton Manning’s words and stories. I could spend weeks in your semi-sirenesque thrall.

So what about this week? What does Peter have to say about Belichick’s 4th down call in the great city of Manning? Did Peter JUST discover the thrilling sounds of the Postal Service? Will we ever see Philip Rivers squint? Read on. BUT FIRST… a letter. This letter has nothing to do with Peter King. And it was submitted for tomorrow’s Deadspin mailbag. But I want to make fun of it NOW, because I’m a dick.

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