Laura here is in her first season with the Cincinnati Ben-Gals cheerleading team. At 41, she is also the oldest cheerleader in the league. Admirably, she has refused to let age stand in the way of her desperate, desperate need for attention. Sorry, that’s a really mean joke; actually I think it’s kind of cool to have a cheerleader who is old enough to have given a hanj to Ickey Woods at Riverfront Stadium. [ KyPost via Deuce of Davenport ]

Jeremy Shockey thinks there’s no way LeBron James could even make an NFL practice squad. So shut up before he punches you in your fag mouth.

The league admits officials mistakenly gave the Browns four timeouts in the second half Monday; thus giving Eric Mangini an extra two minutes to blink in silent terror on the sidelines. [ PFT ]

The NYT’s Freakonomics blog discusses the decade’s most overblown fears. Number one in the NFL? Mike Martz’s coaching prowess.

The Bills’ hometown newspaper reports that interim coach Perry Fewell has benched quarterback Trent Edwards in favor of Ryan Fitzpatrick. If you have Edwards on your fantasy team you should go ahead and make a roster adjustment… and then never play again for the rest of your life.

THIS FACKIN GREEK FAKE-HISPANIC BITCH IS RAWPONSIBLE FAH ALL OW-AH SAWFFERING! That’s right, everybody. Put down all the statistical analyses proving that Belichick did actually make the correct decision by trying to convert the 4th and 2. Turns out, the Patriots were fated to lose anyway, because Access Hollywood host and Boston native Maria Menounos Tweeted that the Pats were going to win before the game was actually over. DIDN’T LITTLE BILLY SIMMONS EVAH TEACH THIS FAKE MEXICUNT ABOWT THE POWAH OF THE JINX? WE SHOULD REVOKE HEH BAHSTON CITIZENSHIP! SHE’S NAWT IN THE BROTHAHOOD ANY MO-AH!

I cry for this couple’s future children. Hell, I weep for all of us. Thank goodness we’re all gonna be wiped clean from the Earth in 2012. Because, really, once you see a bald, schlubby white groom do the spastic Ray Lewis “dance” to greet friends and family with his Flacco jersey adorned bride at their wedding reception, you know there’s no reason for us to wasting God’s splendors.

Besides a shocking paucity of purple camo, I did notice that this is a crowd appreciative of mediocrity (guess they have to be), as you can spot two people in Mark Clayton jerseys and another in a Sam Koch. No Kyle Boller for the estranged in-law everyone hates?

Careful about watching past the two-minute mark. It gets a little tender. [stifles tear]

Poor young saps. They never had a chance. At least once they get divorced, you know they’ll just blame the refs.

[Thanks to reader Alex for the tip]

I hear yer lookin’ for a new football coach. Shoot fella, this is your lucky day. It just so happens that, after much careful reflection, I have decided to draw a curtain on my distinguished college coaching career and return to the scene of my greatest triumphs, the NFL!

Hey fella, you know what this league doesn’t enough of anymore? Zany coaches! When I was in the league, there was a place for a zany coach, now everyone is so durn serious all the time. But I got some good dad-gum news for you. You are gonna make me your new football coach and we are gonna turn this league on its dad-gum ear!

Looka me fella, I wear a cowboy hat. You know who just loves cowboys? Why kids, that’s who! Hire me as your next coach and your kid attendance will double in a season. Double or I eat this here Stetson. Kids love cowboys and I am the greatest cowboy the great state of Michigan has ever produced. We can even dress some of the coloreds up like Indians! It’ll be zany, I tell ya!

An’ I’m not just a cowboy! Imma tough guy, fella! I wear black! A tough guy who’s also a turd of a race car driver! And don’t forget zany, watch me dump this grape jelly in my trousers and do the Charleston! Ha-cha-cha! Boy howdy, that’s zany!

But of course, you’d have to be zany as a polecat to leave game tickets at will-call for Elvis Presley, but that’s what I do. Course, I gotta keep the act fresh. I’ll prolly leave tickets for Michael Jackson or mebbe John Kenneth Galbraith. Don’tcha think people will just eat that…

What’s that? You already hired a coach? Perry Fewell? Never heard of him? Well heck, fella, why dincha say so? Say, you reckon the Oilers need a coach?

Someone at my gym was telling me about a guy who went into the hospital with back pain; he told the doctors he was afraid he had spine flu. And that’s not a joke. That apparently really happened, according to the second-hand story that I’m now making a third-hand story.

Naturally, I spent the next ten minutes thinking about various influenza FAILs. Like, there’s a pine flu epidemic in the Northwest… I’m not sure if this is a hangover or wine flu… Sarah Jessica Parker has a nasty case of equine flu. Et cetera.

I bring this up because I was sick for the last three days. I had this weird stomach pain that wasn’t quite gas and wasn’t quite indigestion, and mixed with my light sleeping habits it wrecked my REM sleep. I ended up taking something like six naps over the span of two work days while consuming a helluva lot of healthy crap like miso soup and peppermint tea. And the kicker was this: no booze or caffeine for MORE THAN TWO DAYS.

That’s no way to live, people. Don’t trust Mormons, those people are powered by the dark arts.

Week 10 Meast and Least below:

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LeBron James loves football, attention. LeBron James still pines for the sport he left behind in high school, and he’s not too humble to tell people he could still be a “really good” receiver in the NFL. Of course James isn’t stopping there. The Cleveland Cavaliers superstar has decided to quit basketball in deference to his idol Michael Jordan. “[Jordan] can’t get the logo, and if he can’t, something has to be done. I feel like no NBA player should play basketball. I’m starting a petition, and I’ve got to get everyone in the NBA to sign it. Now, if I’m not going to play basketbal, then nobody else should be able to play basketball.” [AP]

NO DICK, WE’RE NOT HIRING. Dick Jauron was fired by the Buffalo Bills yesterday. And yet Charlie Weis is free to graze around South Bend without so much as a cattle prod. Too bad for Jauron; his teams always seemed so well-prepared. And they had such depth. And they routinely play in such pleasant conditions. the monolith.

Image courtesy of NY Post via Upstate Underdog

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Donovan McNabb: Damn, man. You couldn’t have waited one more week to get your form back? What got into you?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Wife got pregnant.

Donovan McNabb: How does that work?

LaDainian Tomlinson: sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex

Donovan McNabb: And then?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Egg fertilized.

Donovan McNabb: And then?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Cells divide.

Donovan McNabb: And then?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Pee on stick.

Donovan McNabb: And then?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Positive test.

Donovan McNabb: And then?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Surprise in my locker.

Donovan McNabb: And then?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Two touchdowns.

Donovan McNabb: Wow, that’s crazy. I gotta try that sometime.

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Wade: Gosh dangit. We had to go and ruin a perfectly good four-game winnin’ streak by strollin’ into Green Bay and layin’ a darn egg! Ugh.

Well, guess I better get to work. We got those pesky Redskins comin’ in this week, and I know darn well they’ll be loaded for bear. I better study some tape. Except… aw hell, no one around. No need to get cracking just YET. Lemme just play one game of solitaire. Helps sharpen the ol’ noggin.

(opens up solitaire game)

Oh, that’s a lousy draw.

(resets the game 50 times)

Ah, much better. Now, to just drag these three aces up to the top…

(door flies open)

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