…Grimey! It was tough to pick one winner from all of those submissions, but Grimey’s won out in the end. Continue after the jump for some additional awards…

A special .gif award goes out to the estimable LSU Freek for this entry…

The volume award goes to none other than Pirate Sloth who came through with an incredible 24 submissions. Here are my favorites from the bunch. If you’d like to see more just click here for the full gallery.

There were a lot of other fantastic entries, and I’ll be posting them shortly in a separate gallery. Thanks to all of you who took the time to entertain the rest of us, and thanks again to Pfah for getting this whole thing going.

Time again for the KSK sexbag, the weekly feature that combines flex positions and sex positions, PPRs and STDs, running back handcuffs and the ones you use on the freaky coworker.

This installment runs kind of long, as I compiled most of it during the World Series game last night and I find facing the choice between work and watching baseball really ramps up the productivity, so hooray for surplus mailbag content. If it’s still too much for you, there’s always a game of Steakhouse or Gay Bar. If you sent a question that didn’t get used, you either sent it too late or it wasn’t interesting enough. My condolences. Feel free to try again next week.

Topics tackled within: Porny appearance as false determinant of freakiness, how much a third wheel has to try to maintain an open marriage, presex masturbatory guidelines, animosity between wives and female drinking buddies, and spicy psycho Peruvian girls.

To the buttsecks: I compare every woman that I date by which pornstar they remind me of. I imagine I’m not the only one who participates in this exercise. This can be a good thing. For example, if your half-Korean girlfriend lives three hours away, you can still comfort yourself with a nice left-handed proxy until the following weekend when you see her again.

Or you could jerk it to spank bank material that doesn’t look anything like your current girlfriend. It’s not like it’s cheating or anything. But have it your way.

Unfortunately Nikki Price doesn’t disappear from the Internet when your half-Korean girlfriend that lives three hours away decides to turn into a whore.

Anyways, I was recently hooked up with a nice young lass, and I’m not enamored with anything else besides the fact that I think she looks kinda like Allysin Chaynes.

We’re about two weeks in, and have yet to do the deed. I’m at a point in my life where I don’t want to put very much effort into anything that I don’t want hanging around for more than two weeks, so this would normally be the point where I would say, “have a nice life,” but I just can’t. It might be love…or, it might be that I subconsciously think there’s some pretty awesome anal sex around the corner, because: that Allysin Chaynes sure loves anal sex!! Should I stick around or cut bait? Am I counting my starfish (eggs) before they hatch?

I didn’t know starfish laid eggs. I learn something new from unimaginative and raunchy puns everyday!

Two weeks is a pretty hard line to draw, depending on how many times you’ve seen each other over that span. Also, you haven’t told me how hard you’ve tried to push the idea of sex. It could be that you haven’t been aggressive enough, but then you’re a dude who likens all the women in his sex life to porn stars, so I’m willing to wager that it’s at least been broached. Allow me to inform your subconscious that a physical resemble to Ms. Chaynes need not indicate that this woman shares her love for anal. I’d say give it a little more time, but if you’ve got some other porny looking girl lined up in the meantime, by all means. Wouldn’t want to violate that two-week cut-off.

To the football: I’m currently 2-6 in a 12 team league where the top teams are 6-2, but everybody else is between that and where I am. I’ve had some bad beats, so our first playoff tie-breaker, point total, is a place where I’m healthy. I have Knowshon Moreno as one of my top two RBs, and have been fielding offers for him that include draft picks due to the fact that he still has yet to play OAK and KC twice. At what point do I pull the string and start stockpiling picks for next year?? Do you think the D’s of KC and OAK are bad enough for me to make a playoff push?

-Bellwether Johnson

If it’s a keeper league, I’d recommend hanging on to him. Otherwise, it depends on the picks being offered up. At 2-6 you’re probably going to have to run the table if your league only has four playoff slots. Not an easy task. And Knowshon is going against a not particularly generous Steelers run D (top ranked in the NFL) this week, so it’s not hanging onto him for another week is going to do you a world of good.

sup guys.

SEX: More of a “girl” question than anything, really. What’s the protocol for hitting on girls in train stations? I live at home still (ugh.) and I take the train to college and every other day I see what I’m sure is the hottest girl ever. Short, little bit of a strange sense of style topped off with a Winona Ryder haircut (ya know, about the time she started to shoplift). In other words, drop-dead gorgeous. Problem is though, I only ever see her in the subway where it’s quiet and awkward as shit. Everyone seems to keep to themselves and just waits for the train to come, so I feel like I need some kind of angle… any suggestions on how to hit it up with train girl?

All right. Here’s what you gotta do: Wear the most tattered rags you possibly can and start panhandling in the train. Smear them with shit if you’re truly serious. Make sure you have a good sob story. Nay, a superb sob story. Oh, what am I saying, you’re just gonna fuck it up. HERE’S A SOB STORY. Were you in the war? Of course you were in the war. It left you emotionally scarred and broken. A hollow husk of The Man That Was. You can’t get a job and you need help, direction, a drink. Stop midway through a severe coughing jag to tell the hot Winona Ryder girl that she reminds you of the woman sobbing on 9/11 who first inspired you to enlist. The girl you got engaged to on a whim the night before you shipped off. But she’s gone now, right? A freak occurrence. You would know what happened, but, UGH, this PTSD! Just as she’s about to drop a fresh G-Wash quarter into your change hat…BAM! You ask for her number.

WORK THOSE ANGLES, HOMIE!

Just kidding, you tentative pussy. The quiet subway car can be daunting for making your approach, but short of stalking her, it’s the only chance you’re going to get with this girl. Just remember – these people know fuck all about you and care even less. So make your move already. Sit down next to her and tell her you’ve seen her a few times during the commute and ask if she would like to grab a drink. I can’t guarantee it’s going to work. It easily might blow up in your face. We’ve all been there. I’ve hit on a girl in the gym and had her laugh in my face. But I can tell you the chances for success are higher with straightforward behavior than some fabricated bullshit.

FOOTBALL: I’m kinda in deep shit with this one. After starting the year 3-0, I have since lost the last 5 weeks in a row all the while having my bench QB do better than my starter every single time. And on top of that, my current running backs are Brian Westbrook (constantly hurt), Steve Slaton (benched) and tiny darren (who let’s face it, will never see the light of day unless LaToeinjury dies). I’ve thought about trying to trade to help my running core and have come up with this potential trade: Ryan Grant & Eli Manning for Matt Schaub & Sproles. I already have Phillip Rivers and plan to ride out the rest of this shit storm of a season with him and the guy I wanna trade needs a legit QB. The only thing is that he’s leading our league and my gut says not to help him win any further… So two parts. 1.) is it a fair trade? and do you see it benefiting me down the road?

sincerely, Trains and Tailbacks

Why are trading the QB who’s putting up better numbers, again? Granted he’s losing one of his favorite targets in Owen “Snake Dick” Daniels, but fugly boy Schaub is killing Laserface in fantasy points. Though if you think you’re dumping him at his peak before he drops off without Snake Dick, by all means. It’s a fair trade, though I’d say he’s getting the better of you a little bit. But then, you are desperate for a running back. Ryan Grant isn’t good enough to make up for that weakness, but he will help. As for helping the top guy in the league – at the moments you’re hanging on by a thread in the league. Your concern should be staying in contention before anything else.

Gentlemen of the cloth/stat/wang,

It’s paid off; 2nd overall so far. I’ve also been accumulating their associated talents to score doubles, so answer this: Peyton, plus Addai, Collie and “the Waiter” vs. HOU, or Brees, Moore, and Bush vs. CAR. [Backups: Maclin (PHI - WR) vs. DAL, Hightower (ARI - RB) @ CHI,
Rice (BAL - RB @ CIN)]

The Panthers have the top ranked pass D in the NFL, while the Texans’ is 14th. Houston has also given up almost twice as many pass plays of more than 20 yards than Carolina. Since both New Orleans and Indy are at home, the Colts would appear to be the call.

Sex: I’m a boyfriend of a married woman in an open marriage. I’m actually friends with the husband. (Not “hey, can I bone your wife real quick?” friends, but friends nonetheless). Recently, they’ve been having problems, and though my actions have been officially and verbally condoned by the husband (meaning that I am operating within the confines of their open marriage agreement) and that I have been personally accommodating to their wants and needs (respect all involved, open, honest communication, etc.) I feel like my interaction with the wife might be interfering with reconciliation with her husband.

-Just Another Guy

You’re awfully unselfish for a KSK reader, aren’t you? However, I would caution against thinking you can fix problems that most likely have nothing to do with you. You’re not overstepping your bounds in the open marriage scenario. And while you say you give the wife a convenient distraction, why do you assume the problem is solely on her end? How are you providing an out for the wife any more than another woman is giving an easy out (or should I say a little easy in/out, huh? Huh?) to the husband? Sure, it’s better to confront relationship issues than tiptoe around them, I don’t know if it’s your place to force that confrontation on this couple.

Hi guys,

Dave

There are several women who have told me that they only ever read the site for the mailbag and that, even then, they skip over the football questions, making a beeline straight at the sex stuff, so I’m answering one of the half-dozen lazy fantasy-only questions I otherwise wouldn’t just to spite them. TAKE THEM, WOMENS! I’ll say Steve Smith in the first and Mason in the second. The Bengals completely shut out Mason in the teams’ first meeting in Baltimore. That’s not likely to happen again, but Cincy knows even though the Ravens passing game has opened up, he’s still a major focal point. As for Slaton, the Texans are reportedly splitting his carries with Ryan Moats and Chris Brown against Indy. I’d wager on Mason having a better second game against the Bengals than a member of a running back committee who just got benched last week.

Dear Abbys,

If this were a one year thing, I’d sit here and take it like a man in a Turkish bathhouse. But, for the past four years, I’ve been in the league’s Top 4 for total points, and I’ve only made the playoffs once in those four miserable fucking years. How do I convince these assholes who are afraid of change that a Rotisserie League is the way to go? And, if that isn’t an option, do I at least have open season to bitch and moan publicly and constantly about my bad luck? Because if I can’t have that, I’m going to have to figure out what the fantasy equivalent of going postal is. Maybe spreading H1N1 on my league dues?

Tough shit. Fantasy football is a cruel mistress. I had the top seed in one of my leagues last year, only to lose in the first round of the playoffs to a team that won two games because it was a league that allowed every team to make the playoffs. Still, my team lost when it counted. It happens. Fantasy fucks you over with regularity. That said, I feel for your plight and grant you license to bitch and moan about it once, while suggesting they transition to a Rotisserie league. Should they accept (unlikely), good on you. If not (more likely), you can either lump it or go elsewhere.

Sex:

Yours in Purple Jesus,
Enduring in New England

It’s not easy going from being girl-in-the-new-Reebok-ad trim to portly in the span of a year, even if she has gotten somewhat closer to where she was. It’s gonna take some time to adjust. You’re on the right track by working with her and reassuring her, but she will have to come to the realization that we don’t get to keep our college or high school bodies forever. Granted her drop off arrived sooner than expected, but it’s a fact of life for everyone. As for you: a lot of people wouldn’t bitch extensively about their “fleshy trebuchet” getting off thrice a week.

Dear Gents,
About six months ago I figured out that the female friend that I liked would never like me back, so I decide to extricate myself from the friendship. It is difficult to be around her, so I have tried to ignore her, but she is friends with my entire group of friends, including my sister. How do I, without telling her that I love her, get her to take the hint?

As far as Fantasy Football, I suck.
Kyle in Chicago

You can either lose all your current friends (save your sister, who you can just avoid) or get the fuck over it. Neither is easy, but then such is life.

Football: Do I have anything to worry about with my RB depth? Starting Chris Johnson and Marion Barber with Maroney/McFadden/Felix Jones/Beanie Wells as my plethora of backups. I was thinking of dealing Donald Driver/Steve Smith (Giants) as one is on the bench because I have Roddy White or dealing Dallas Clark for a more solid backup RB. I am 6-2 and in 1st place, so I should be fine to make the playoffs at least.

Barber never gets the full 20 touches per game, but he does provide the assurance of being a reliable goal line guy. I’d recommend standing pat, unless you can fleece someone with what you got. No owner worth his salt (unless really, really desperate or high) will give up a back better than Barber for Driver, Steve Smith or Dallas Clark.

Sex: So, I don’t remember if KSK has ever discussed and made a “rule of thumb” for the best pre-sex gameplan before a possible period of sex is gonna cum.

/consults KSK Sex Pregame Bylaws

Nope. Not in here. How remiss of us.

My personal preference when I used to get vagina was to hold out for a three-day minimum and tease my dick for each subsequent day, generating a huge load in my nuts. It worked out perfectly for my long-distance situation. I lasted too long on my regular masturbation gameplan and I loved shooting the biggest load I can make. This high reward though comes with a possible cost. A no sex rejection makes the three-plus days of hard work to not beat it the worst possible mindfuck you could call upon yourself. And if you have trouble lasting, it may not be the best approach to go in with a loaded gun. Not to mention the tease in itself is hard to pull off, once you get to a certain point during masturbation, you’re beyond the point of no return. I need some feedback on this hot topic.

It sounds like it’s a subjective thing. For me, waiting three days doesn’t produce a markedly better result than a two days or even a day and a half, but clearly you’ve done enough self-examination, as it were, to land on this three-day threshold. Obviously the blowing of a mammoth load holds a great appeal for you, whereas it might not as much with others, and you know well enough to weigh the attendant risks of a *GASP!* three-day period of self-denial.

Dear Pussytubers,

Sex: So, I’m a strapping young lad who made the unfortunate mistake of attending an all-engineering college. About 5% of the people who go here are attractive females. Even worse, these girls often have an inflated sense of self-importance because they are nearly constantly surrounded by the 20% of douchey guys and other assorted tools who go here.

Wow, it’s like you live in D.C.

As for me, I’m part of the cynical 1% and think that I am better than everyone else my age. So, I have essentially given up on the girls here.

At least you’re upfront about being a snide little shit.

However, hope still exists for me because I am in a great part of Brooklyn (within walking distance of Brooklyn Heights/Cobble Hill). Now, I can pass for 22 and prefer going to bars rather than clubs. So here’s my question: Should I try meeting slightly older women at bars and just say that I’m a grad student, or should I focus my attention on weeding through the pretentious and/or generally stupid people who seem to attend schools near Downtown Brooklyn or Lower Manhattan and try meeting girls I can tolerate?

Fantasy: I’m probably one of the few readers who isn’t in any sort of fantasy league. I just come for the dick jokes.

-Andrew

Oh fuck, really? You’re in Brooklyn? See, I might’ve worked up a modicum of sympathy if you were stuck in Ugmo College in the middle of Bumblefuck, Nowhere. But you’re in a city teeming with attractive women. If you want to go the “Bored to Death” route as try to pose as something you’re not, I’m sure there’s a perfectly nice dense cougar willing to pretend that she believes you. Otherwise, I guess you can deign to weed through the hordes of attractive but, like you, pretentious girls at nearby colleges. It’s a struggle, I know. Be strong.

I’ve already nicknamed you guys once, I’ll leave it at that.

Thanks Gruden. Do I get to be “The Homer”?

Fantasmic Football:

Also second FF question: Should I drop Brian Westbrook? He’s been dog feces for the year, and I’m a sucker for drafting him. I’m thinking of just picking up an up and coming guy like this Ryan Moats character or something. Westbrook’s been worthless for me except for week 1.

The Steelers last game in Denver was actually in 2007, and even though the Steelers lost, Ben had 290 yards passing and four TDs. Not that that terrible ’07 Broncos D has anything to do with the much improved current one, but at least we know THE BEN’s not Ryan Clark and affected by the altitude. Hasselbeck has been pretty hit or miss since returning from injury, with two good statistical games sandwiching a horrible one, but he should put up good numbers against the Lions. Denver still has the league’s statistically stingiest D, which is playing at home and coming off an embarrassing loss that is bound to motivate them. Start Hass.

/barf

Copulation:

Steeler fan in Peru

Well, it only takes that one percent of abnormal behavior for her to stab you in your sleep. And for one percent, that’s quite the litany of serious issues. If you can somehow get the homicidal ex-boyfriend killed (it’s South America, I imagine the laws are generally more lax on these things) I’d say it’s worth sticking it out a little. I’d probably cut and run but there are some guys who treasure the crazies.

Dear Pink Triangle Latin Kings,

Football- I don’t have a fantasy question. However, I think I speak for all Dolphins fans in asking for a “Gibril Fucking Wilson” tag. He makes Brian Russell look like Ed Reed. Okay, that’s not quite true. But he is terrible.

Yeah, but it’s always funnier when white guys are terrible at sports. GRITTY GALLOWS HUMOR!

On the other hand, he does bear a startling resemblance to DeAngelo Barksdale, for whatever that’s worth.

/things you can learn at Harvard next year

Sex – I’ll just cut to the chase. I’m concerned that my years of copious pornography consumption have impaired my ability to have sexual relations with an actual woman. I’ve been with two women over the course of my life, both within the last year and a half (I’ll be 28 later this month). Both times, I was unable to finish the job (that is, my quarterback pulled himself from the game before the end of the fourth quarter). It should be noted that there are some plausible alternate explanations, like the fact that I’m on Zoloft, performance anxiety due to inexperience, and the fact that I wasn’t necessarily all that attracted to the women I was with. But let’s go with the porn. Have I permanently damaged my ability to hook up? What can I do to counteract the effects?

xoxo,
B to the D

C’mon, don’t blame the porn, lest you force the guy who loves porny girls make mush of your face. Seriously though, if Dan Savage has taught me anything, it has more to do with how hard you’ve ravaged yourself while watching said porn. If you’ve gone to town on your trebuchet (all subsequent references to penii in this column will be such) with extreme prejudice over the years, it’s going to take some time to train it to respond to conventional sex. Also, it helps if you actually are with a girl you’re attracted to. Find one of those and if the problems persist, then start to worry.

Dear KSK,

I have been dating my girlfriend for three years, I have no doubt I’m going to marry this girl, and she recently moved in with me. About two months ago while packing away things in storage I found a mini video tape that sparked my curiosity. I played it only to find a sex tape of her with an ex-boyfriend from years ago. I can honestly say it didn’t disturb me THAT much. The two things that did irk me were that she seemed friskier and more dominant in the video and that she hasn’t gotten rid of the tape since then. She has definitely come across it numerous times while moving. My wonder is if she still replays the thing from time to time. I also would like to know how to pull that friskier side out. I have tried numerous ways to get her to open up sexually since then. In no way is our sex life bad, but it isn’t amazing. I feel like I’m to blame for some of our mundane sexual routine but nothing I’ve tried in the last few months has created the spark I am looking for. Do I tell her that I watched the tape and would like to find that sexually dormant personality? It’s risky and could go a number of directions. I also worry that somewhere deep down she could be unsatisfied, although I doubt she would ever admit to it.

If she’s lugging the thing around in plain sight, she definitely has a use for it. I know in general women are better at the taking pictures and trying to hold onto memories than guys, but sex tapes typically don’t fall into the fond mementoes scanned over on a rainy day years later category.

You’re right, there’s not much to be gained by telling your girlfriend that you watched her fuck another dude and that you noticed that she was far more into it than she is with you. Unless you think that epiphany will magically trigger the long-dormant sexpot she’s been hiding until the moment you broke down her performance Jaws-like with another guy.

Fantasy:
1. Cadillac or Jamaal Charles?
2. Is Eddie Royal going to have more production and is he worth holding on to?

Thanks,
Matt

1. Start Charles
B. The Steelers have allowed kickoff return TDs in each of their last two games, so hanging onto Royal for at least one more week might not be a bad idea.

Gents,

Fantasy: I need some help with my WRs and flex spot. This week my options are DeSean Jackson (DAL), Hines Ward (@DEN, also I have Big Ben starting), Sims-Walker (KC), Maroney (MIA), Bradshaw (SD), and Jamaal Charles (@JAC). I’m leaning towards Jackson, Ward, and Sims-Walker but would it make sense to sub in one of the RBs at the flex spot?

Bradshaw is very tempting against the Chargers shitty, shitty run D, especially because against Tennessee, Sims-Walker had his first subpar game of the year since his breakout in Week 2. But then he’s going against the Chiefs, so I’d say a bounce back is likely enough to keep him in there.

Sex: I have been with my girlfriend for a long time. In her previous relationship she was cheated on and as a result she has some pretty big trust issues. I’m a very trusting person so when she does things like constantly ask who I’m talking to on the phone and texting with it really bothers me. She has gotten a little better but pretty much every person I’ve talked to says that ultimately that is something that will live with her forever.

Seems like every person you talked to is a little melodramatic. Being cheated on is a traumatic experience, no doubt, but it’s hardly justification to indulge in extreme paranoia with all future partners in perpetuity.

She wants to get engaged and talks about it with me quite a lot (to the point where I tell her to stop pressuring me about it) and every time I think about it I get scared that I’m going to have to deal with this shit for the rest of my life. The only redeeming thing about it all is that I know it will go away to a certain extent if we were to get engaged but I know an engagement shouldn’t be a fix. She’s hot, we have great sex, and there are a lot of things I love about her, but trust is incredibly important to me. Will she ever get over it or am I living in a fantasy world thinking that this will never be an issue again?

You’re right to be concerned if your girlfriend of “a long time” is constantly on the lookout for you to be messing around behind her back. An engagement might be the thing that proves to her that you’re never going to stray, but most likely it won’t. And it really shouldn’t have to come to that. My guess is she has other issues with trust that run deeper than the fact that she was cheated on in a previous relationship. The next time you get pressure about an engagement, you need to your concerns about her distrust be known.

ok guys

Fantasy first: Thanks to co-running a team with a friend who apparently drafts like a drunken chimp, I’m dealing with a lot of third options and assorted dreck here. The only week in week out solid plays I have are QB (Brees) and TE (Celek). Do me a solid and sift through the rest of this stuff and give me your thoughts: We play one RB, 2WR and 2 RB/WR flex positions. RB’s: Addai (vs Houston), Westbrook (vs Dallas; early reports are that he’ll play), Ricky Williams (vs NE) and Tiny Darren at NYG. WR’s: Breaston & Boldin (@Chi), Hester (vs Ari), Welker (@Mia) and D Mason (@Cin). My initial thoughts are to play Addai, Welker, Breaston, R Williams and Mason, but wanted to get an outside opinion.

Can I just say Boldin’s been a gimpy little cunt all season? Indestructible, my ass.

/bitter

Anyway, I’d say your instincts are correct here. If Hester weren’t dealing with an ankle injury, I’d counsel starting him in place of Mason, but as it stands, stick with the favorite target of the QB who still lives at home with his parents.

Sex: I broke up with my ex girlfriend a couple of months ago. We’re still on relatively friendly terms and all, but we’re not dating anymore. So about a month ago I found a profile she’d created on a dating site and contacted her through a fake profile I set up. Because it’s really me, she’s so blow away by how much she and my fake guy have in common and how much he gets her. So anyway, here’s the thing: my ex has a bit of a sexually submissive streak, which we always found fun when we were dating. So she’s been exchanging some VERY dirty emails with my fake profile guy where he/I has been dominating her (telling her how to masturbate, when to get off, stuff like that). On top of which, I’ve been using the fake guy to get her to call me up and engage in some truly epic sex. First off, I know this is a hugely dick move. It’s not fair to her, she’d never talk to me again if she found out and it’s not something I can do forever. So my question is…actually, I didn’t have a question. I just wanted to confess to someone who’s probably heard worse.

Corey

Well, isn’t this just the fakest fakery that’s ever been faked? In the off chance that your tale actually is true, yes, you’re a colossal cockcubby who will get his in this life or the next.

Also, your name is Corey. Your hotline ripped off Lisa Simpson, you hump.

Dear men who know more than I,

I’ve been with my current girlfriend for a few months now. We really care about each other, she is a great girl and possibly marriage material. The problem is that she’s never touched a penis before, mine included. I’ve fingered her a few times, so it’s not like she’s against a physical relationship. We’ve talked about it a little, and she says she might warm up to the idea of going down there eventually, but it’s just starting to get frustrating for me. I keep trying to explain to her that furthering our physical relationship furthers our emotional relationship, but she’s still so reluctant.

I understand there’s a certain amount of shyness in the bedroom that comes with dating a girl that’s never been around male genitalia, but what do I do? Do I continue to play with her vag and hope that she one day returns the favor, or do I withhold it from her? Would maybe going down on her be a good option on speeding up her decision?

I doubt she’s fiendishly baiting you to submit to oral first before she reciprocate, so punishing her isn’t the way to get her to jump on your dick. You didn’t mention how old you/her are, but even though you mention possible marriage somewhere down the line, the subject of actual sex didn’t come up, only fingering. So I’m guessing you’re probably really young. There’s bound to be some unease early on with the first timer, especially if you’re older than I think you are. Consider forcing the issue a little. No, I don’t mean jam your cock down her throat, but say you two are watching TV, guide her hand down there. Or even after once you’re done with one of your fingering sessions. If she recoils, kindly remind her that one must get as good as they give, and it’s time to pony the fuck up.

I have Andre Johnson (@Ind) in one WR spot, just need to know who else to start. TJ Housh (@Det) Derrick Mason (@Cin) Donald Driver (@TB) Austin Collie (Hou).

Thanks,
-D

Start Driver.

Purveyors of Poontang Pontification,

Awesome alliteration, assface.

Fantasy first. I’m in a multi-sport league, MLB, NFL, NBA. I know you hate that shit, but screw it, telling people who to start is a bit boring. Pretty standard scoring (no PPR, 6/4 Rush/Pass TDs, 25/10 Pass/Rush yds/pt). My team is 3-5. 10 teams, probably need to win 4 out of last 5 to make playoffs, 3-2 may do. Overall standings are heavily skewed to playoff success. 2 keepers. Brady, Roethlisberger, Kevin Smith, Moreno, Pierre Thomas, Julius Jones, Fitzgerald, Holmes, Mason, Carlson (used to be Daniels). I’m planning on keeping Roethlisberger and Moreno b/c I got them at good value (forfeit draft picks from where you drafted your keepers). So should I blow this team up and trade away Brady & Fitty for some quality NBA talent and make a run at a basketball championship or do I have a chance of winning 4 of the last 5 and hope for lightning to strike in the playoffs?

Fuck the NBA. Go all in on the football team, dipshit.

Sex. There is a young lady about my age in my office who has caught my attention, I should say, I believe I’ve caught hers. We work for completely different companies but we share the same space, break room, copy room, bathrooms, elevators, etc. We talk and flirt a little, she goes out of her way to make playful comments to me, etc. She’s cute, but a little heavy (needs to lose about 20% of her bodyweight). It could be just excess college fat, but I’m not attracted enough to her to date/fuck sober right now. On the other hand, she’s decent enough that, knowing my drunk self, I would almost certainly have sloppy drunken sex with her. With the holiday season approaching (and the accompanying libational office holiday parties) that one-sided sexual tension is likely going to come to a head. She’s very cool and I like her as a person, but I’m just not that attracted to her. Should I refrain from partaking in inebriated coitus so I don’t hurt her feelings? I would feel bad if she thought it would lead to anything more. Also, I would be very interested in dating her if she lost some weight. She’s a prime post-college weight shedding candidate. But right now, I don’t really want to see her naked without alcohol blurring my vision. Or should I just stop over-thinking it and let my evolutionary instinct to spread my seed take over?

Probably Thinks a Little Too Much of Himself

Probably?

You think this girl is unattractive, but start a letter to a sex advice column by saying she caught your attention? Sounds like we have a clear-cut case of “GAH! I THINK MY FRIENDS AND COLLEAGUES WILL JUDGE ME HARSHLY FOR BEING INTO A CHUBBY GIRL!” Just take your drunken holiday party sex and shut the fuck up. Who says she wants a serious relationship with you? (though once she gets a better idea of your charms, I’m sure that’s bound to change) Maybe the girl just wants to fuck.

Proprietors of KSK,

So I started at my current job a little over year ago on the same day as this girl who works in the same department and position as me. We ended up as pretty good friends, since we were both fresh out of grad school and my co-workers are mostly old/terrible. However, this girl is pretty hot, so I figured I’d invite her and her long-term boyfriend out to grab a drink with me and my long-term girlfriend (now wife), so that I wouldn’t later get yelled at when my girl inevitably met my coworker. Well, although my wife was civil and pleasant to her during this and during subsequent happy hours with my other coworkers, my wife made it very clear that she HATES this girl on a quasi-Aniston vs. Jolie level and does not ever want to see her if at all possible, ostensibly because this coworker is somehow out to steal me away from her or something like that. Despite the fact that this is an absurd idea, I sort of get where my wife is coming form since a) this girl is in fact hot, b) she’s kinda touchy/unprofessional with people on a regular basis (i.e. kissed both me and my wife goodbye on the cheek after a happy hour), and c) my wife and I went to grad school together and work in the same field, but this girl and I work together all the time in a very niche area of this same field.

I wouldn’t mind except for the fact that this girl and her boyfriend are INSANELY fun to hang out with. They lived in New Orleans for a while before moving here to DC, so by “fun” I mean they’ve actually fashioned a concealable platypus to carry a half-gallon of homemade Hurricaines with them to drink during those interminable 4-minute walks between bars. Of course, I’m afraid to even suggest hanging out them now based on past results. Cue the Charlie Brown theme as I morosely flip through FB pix of their kickass halloween party that we were not at. My question is, do concede to my wife with regards to this, or do I try to somehow rehabilitate the relationship between coworker (who seems blissfully unaware of the blistering rays of hatred directed her way) and my wife, so that we can have Mardi Gras upwards of 5 times a month? On the one hand, this is probably the only thing that really bugs me about our relationship, and my wife has never in the almost 4 years we’ve been together pulled this with any other female friend I’ve had, so I could see just giving her this based on accumulated good will in other areas. But this coworker and her boyfriend live together, have been together for over three years and seem headed towards engagement pretty soon, plus she’s the skinny, Kate Moss-type hot whereas I’ve always been a Christina Hendricks-type guy (my wife knows this, and is herself an epitome thereof)…so the idea that this coworker is gonna “steal” me away is absurd. Can’t we all just hang out and get wrecked on Hurricaines?

You can try to rehab their relationship all you want, but your potentially psycho wife seems bound and determined to hate this girl forever. Believe me, that woman-on-woman hate, once established, doesn’t dissipate easily. Especially when your argument to patch things up boils down to “but she’s so fun to get drunk with!”

Fantasy. I need to know who to start this week as my 2nd WR next to Reggie Wayne, and I’m in a 16-team keeper league, so the pickings are slim. Choices are: Lance Moore v. Carolina, Johnny Knox v. ‘zona (Hester may have a bad ankle injury), Pierre Garcon v. Houston, or Sam Aiken v. Miami.

Keep up the good work.

God damn Lance Moore. Worst sleeper pick ever. I say go with Knox and Garcon.

[Top image credit]

The photoshopper who first inspired this contest is back with his second entry, and it’s pretty fantastic. Then again, I’m a sucker for anything that reminds me of the glorious Beaker In DC meme. There have been numerous other submissions, including 20 from one extremely dedicated and underemployed reader. Consider this a reminder to keep sending us your images until tomorrow morning. We will post the winner tomorrow, along with a gallery of our favorite entries.

Well, well, well. I should’ve known you Philadelphia faggots wouldn’t be able to get the FACKIN’ JAWB DONE against those GAWDDAMN FACKIN’ NEW YARK CAWKSACKAHS! Nevah send a boy to do a BAWSTON MAN’S JAWB!

(spits randomly)

You let us down, Pedro. You were-ah pitchin’ far the awn-ah of Sawx Nation! AND YOU FAILED US! This is the warst thing that has evah happened to US! You Philly jizzlawbbahs were-ah supposed to stawp the Evil Empiah so that we, the LEGENDARY FANS OF RED SAWX NATION, could be happy! That’s what America wawnted! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(sits on chair backwards, folds arms over top and flexes)

Then again, I figyahhhed this would happen. I knew Pedro would let us down before-ah I even knew it, if that makes sense! THAT’S JUST HOW CLAY-AHVOYANT I AM! You see, even a pitchah of Pedro’s calibah isn’t anyway-ah near-ah as effective without THE SUPPART OF THE LEGENDARY BAWSTON FANS BEHIND HIM! I was they-ah when he pitched far us! It was special. IF YOU WEREN’T THEY-AH, YOU COULDN’T POSSIBLY UNDAHSTAND! Pedro knew he couldn’t let us down! And we knew he’d come through far us! That’s why his fastball was at least 30 mph FASTAH at Fenway! CHECK THE RADAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(phone rings)

Hey, that’s my friend BawbbyO! HE’S FAGGOT NEW YARK FAN! AND HE HAS A NICE JAWB! ALL MY FRIENDS AHHHH WELL OFF AND VERY PRAWSPEROUS!

(answers phone)

HEYYYYYYYYYYY FAGGOT!

BawbbyO: Ah, another Yanks championship. Everything is as it should be. Lucky number 27, baby.

Tommy: FACK YOU! FACK YOU! YOU GAWT LUCKY AND YOU KNOW IT! You gawt to play a fackin’ National League team to win it all! The National League is inferiah becawse the Sawx ahhhh nawt in it! SHEE-AH LUCK, JUST LIKE TYREE’S CATCH, WHICH WAS ALSO LUCKY! YOU AHHH NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF CHEATAHS!

BawbbyO: No, you’re the cheaters.

Tommy: No, you ahhhhh!!!

BawbbyO: No, you are.

Tommy: No, you ahhhhh!!!

BawbbyO: No, you are.

Tommy: No, you ahhhhh!!! This bantah we have is HILARIOUS! People should listen to it, because we rib each othah in such manly fashion! YOU FAGGOT!

BawbbyO: Let’s not fight. Remember the time we went to Vegas?

Tommy: I DO! WE DRANK AND STAYED UP LATE! OTHAH PEOPLE IN THE CASINO WERE-AH AMAZED BY OW-AH ABILITY TO DO THIS!

BawbbyO: Let’s just enjoy the fact that the media sucks our extremely unlikable team’s dicks more than any other, and revel in the shared attention!

Tommy: Good idea! You should come to my man cave, BawbbyO! I have a fackin’ shitload of TVs, and I told my cunt garlfriend to nevah come in with ow-ah stupid baby, or else I’ll knee her in her fackin’ bawx.

BawbbyO: Then she’d have a Boston Red Box.

Tommy: BAHAHAHAHA! GAWDDAMN RIGHT! RED BAWX NATION! WOMEN AHHH FACKIN’ STUPID, AND NOWHERE NEAR AS COOL AS US!

Seriously though, BawbbyO, this one hurts! Everyone was pulling far the Phils to win far the glory of RED SAWX NATION! And they let us down! We may nevah be the same again! It is up to the Pats to give us redemption! If Belichick coaches the Sawx this yee-ah, they nevah lose! FACKIN’ TERRY FRANCONA KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT BASEBAWL! I WATCH BASEBAWL EVERY WEEKEND! LET’S SEE OTHAH FANS DO THAT!

(cranks Sublime album)

FACKIN’ SUBLIME!

I guess we Bawston fans will just have to take sawlace in the Pats and Celts winning it awl YET AGAIN. BUT I’D TRADE IT ALL IN HAHHHHHTBEAT TO WATCH THAT FAGGOT A-RAWD GO DOWN!

BawbbyO: Isn’t that kind of stupid?

Tommy: YOU’RE kind of stupid! Asshole! Buy all the titles you want! No one likes yar team! The Sawx will always be #1 in America’s hahhhhts! AND THE GIANTS AHHHH SECRETLY TERRIBLE AT PASS DEFENSE! ONLY I KNOW THIS. YANKEE GIANTS SACK! YANKEE GIANTS SACK!