GGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLDDDDDDDDD!

In all seriousness, the Cardinals are some serious pros at turning the ball over.

Something struck me ill as I betook the Bengali Tygers lost endeavors against the Norse Boatsmen of Parts Northward and Uninhabitable.

At first, I didn’t give utterance to my thoughts as I feared that they were only brought on by the mind-melting mystic qualities possesst by the enclosed structure of modern Norse manufacture. How do they secure the tepid airs when all is frigid outdoors? With such technology, it is no wonder we Tygers were found to be the lessers that day.

Soon, however, these lingering ruminations overtook all resistance when I was marshaled into the contest late for scrubsman’s scutwork duties. Menial work often frees the mind of the barriers of wayward thought.

I entrust these words to you, computing box, because I know that you will keep them in confidence. Such disclosure could find me at odds with those whom I am aligned on the field of footballing.

By my lights, Good Sir Palmer is to no longer be thought among the good.

Whereas, at the risk of dispensing vainglory, I have developed worldwide acclaim for the issuance of haymakers (one company has gone so far as to produce bundles of hay with my name brandisht upon it, so they may retail at giftly prices) Good Sir Palmer has long been in reliance of his brand of Pulverizers. It is a sound maneuver, one supposes, by not one that makes fright renderable in the opponent. Men of thought have long turned over in their head what makes men so weak in constitution – either that they are too mollycoddled by their mothers or not mollycoddled enough. Still, he is a man of stature in Cincinnatus, whereas I, a Man of Irish Descent, am cast among the dogs and the Roy Williamses.

For many an annum, Good Sir Palmers faults were run over with gloss. He had yet to fully convalesce from an affliction of the leg, they claimt. His squadronmates were not of satisfactory skill, they brayt. Perhaps such arguments were true at the time, but now the team is in all respekts as stout as a haymaker, and there is no pepper in the Pulverizers.

There would be those Cincinnatans who would run down our Pollack offensive strategist before Good Sir Palmer. Indeed, he is a fool and is frequently unawares of how we mock him in his presence. One time, we replaced his favorite chapeau with a live skunk and he did not notice until he attended his daughter’s marriage four weeks hence. However, truth be told, not all can be laid at the fetid feet of the stupid Pollack. The errancy of the Pulverizers is not part of the design (as I am privy to the designs as well).

As any True Man of Irish Descent, turbulence of thought can be eased with drink. But only for so long. I fear insurrection.

What blows my mind about some of these higher-profile journalists is that they seem to get totally pissed whenever anyone makes an argument about them. By their logic, writers can question the people in the sport they cover, speculate aloud about how they should bolster their image or spend their money…but no one can give them the same treatment? To that, I say “F THAT S.” And to Peter King, I say, “Take down your shorts and stretch over that table.” Yep, it’s that time of the week.

Fourteen things you need to know on the heels of Week 14:
1. The 16-0 talk is radioactive.

Radioactive? Like cell phone use radioactive? Or Holy Shit Time To Jump Into An Old-Timey Refrigerator radioactive? There’s a difference! Are we in danger? Should I call my mother?

It’s almost like going undefeated, and talking about going undefeated, is going to turn your season to dust.

I’m not calling my mother. I would have had to use my cellphone, anyway.

No one wants to touch it.

That’s what she said.

The Colts clinched homefield advantage throughout the AFC playoffs with their 28-16 win over the Broncos Sunday, and they’ll almost certainly begin the process of resting their veterans Thursday night at Jacksonville.

I never understood this. Every year the Colts clinch, they start resting players in Weeks 16 and 17. And every fucking year they do it they get bounced in the first round. The year that they won the Super Bowl, they were a 3-seed, and they had to finish their season like MEN, gawdammit! Who gives a shit how fresh your players are if they’re only playing one more game?

For now, let’s examine the path that each undefeated team has to perfection (And congratulations to the Colts for two terrific achievements: setting the NFL mark for consecutive regular-season wins at 22, and for most wins in a decade at 114.):

Let’s not. Because nothing rides my ass more than this “Most X In A Decade Stat.” If you happen to know the asshole that came up with this stat, do me a favor and PUNCH HIM IN THE BALLS. Of course, I’m assuming it’s a man. Because women suck at math, like many other things.

2. Bill Belichick has one of the biggest challenges of his coaching career on his hands, and how he handles it will go a long way in determining the 2009 fate of the Patriots.

Best friend’s wife? Or neighbor’s wife? Neither one is really that hot.

You have only one receiver, Wes Welker, who can get open against man coverage when Moss is a bum like this … Your tight ends are useless as receivers …

And you’re urinating more frequently than usual!

3. You’ve got to like Tom Brady trying to put the pressure for the Patriots’ performance down the stretch on his shoulders.

I love it when the highest-paid player on a team actually makes an effort!

5. I’d be shocked if Tom Coughlin didn’t rip up his defensive staff after the season, or at least replace defensive coordinator Bill Sheridan.

“Bill, this isn’t Chapstick! It’s Revlon fire engine red! And stop dousing me with rouge!” This is how Drew does it, right?

10. Demarcus Ware is fine, relatively speaking, after that scary collision.

He’s not permanently paralyzed! Yet!

11. Someone throw a life preserver to Wade Phillips.

It’s much more fun to watch ol’ Wade drown. Seriously, shouldn’t he have been fired like three years ago? It’s hard to feel sorry for that guy, especially one that had the great idea of making his starting quarterback his holder on field goals again.

12. Ndamukong Suh is the best defensive player to come out of college football this decade. As I said on “Football Night in America” last night, I spoke with the GMs of both one-win teams this weekend — Billy Devaney of the Rams, Mark Dominik of the Bucs — and there’s little doubt that Suh will be at the top of the draft boards of both teams.

As soon as they figure out how to spell his name. Johnny Cash would be proud. Until he realized that this boy named Suh has a bit of a tan on him.

13. I owe Jerry Jones a mea culpa.

Is two fingers in the ass? Or three? No, wait. I think “Mea” is italian for “thumb up the ass, while tickling the genitals with outstretched fingers.”

Remember back in August, when Tennessee punter A.J. Trapasso hit the low-hanging video board at Jerry Jones’ new stadium in Arlington? And I said afterward the punters in the NFL would use the thing for target practice, and it’d be a nightmare for the league?

You say all kinds of shit, Pete. It’s hard to keep track of all of it sometimes.

Since Trapasso nailed it (and then bragged it would happen often), visiting punters have had 48 punts and McBriar 38. That’s 86 punts. And nothing.
 
 
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Oh, sorry. That was an illustration of “nothing.”

14. Stadium blues in Minnesota. Want to know why the Minnesota Vikings have a tough fight on their hands to get a new stadium built?

An airborne North American strand of Nordic AIDS?

Politics.

Eh, I was close.

For the first time in more than 20 years in Minnesota, the governor, lieutenant governor, 134 state representatives and 67 state senators will all be up for election in the same year, 2010, without a presidential or U.S. Senate election next November. That means the focus of the entire state will be on the state, not divided between Washington and Minnesota. Those 203 politicians are in no mood to foot much of the bill for a new sporting venue.

Politicians hate spending money! Especially on frivolous things!

Quote of the Week I
“I would turn in all three Super Bowl rings and my Hall of Fame bust for one undefeated season.”
– Michael Irvin, on NFL Network’s Sunday morning pregame show.
My one question for you, Mike: Have you lost your mind?

Since 1965, 43 teams that have won Super Bowls. Only one has played a complete season without losing.

Defensive Player of the Week
Brian Orakpo, OLB, Washington.
Who’d have thought Orakpo would have rushed the pass more productively in the first 13 games of his rookie year than Demarcus Ware, Julius Peppers and LaMarr Woodley? By the measure of sacks, he has. His four-sack day at Oakland (sacks for losses of nine, nine, nine and 10 yards) gave him 11 for the year.

Nine, nine, nine? What are you, German? Do I care about yardage lost on every sack? I surely don’t.

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week
Aaaah, Manhattan at the holidays. Though crowded, it is beautiful here. And fragrant. On Sunday morning, as I puttered away at this column and made and received a few Ndamukong Suh-related phone calls at a midtown Starbucks, a disheveled man with some OCD tendencies (continually straightening his straggly hair, checking his watch every half-minute) sat down next to me. He took off his parka, then a lighter coat underneath it, and then pulled a deodorant stick from the pocket of the parka, uncapped it, and put it underneath his shirt, applying it to first his left underarm and then his right.

Well, hello neighbor.

If he had that airborne North American strand of Nordic AIDS, you’re totally fucked.

Ay guys. This is a picture of me, Randy Moss. It ain’t loaded all the way, but it probably will at some point. You get the idea. I’m catching a football, looking nonchalant. I do that sometimes.

I think this post is supposed to make fun of how people said I gave up on routes and stuff yesterday against the Panthers. Whatever, we won anyway. Y’all can make all the jokes y’all want.

In fact, here’s one:

What did the [person of random profession] say to the [religious figure]?

Answer: Shit, I don’t know. Y’all are the ones making the jokes.

I think that covers it. I got words and a couple photos in there. I probably could put in a dick joke or a thing about how me and JaMarcus Russell should chill because we’re both lazy. But I’m lazy and good. He’s lazy and worthless. Plus, focusing on how two black dudes are lazy is gonna lead to someone calling all y’alls racist. Even though you’re probably at least a little racist.

Anyway, I’m out. Peace.

Call it East Coast Bias, call it a predilection to avoid games that don’t matter, but it’s probably best for us to live blog a game with actual playoff implications rather than Monday night’s affair where THIS GUY gets to clinch the NFC West crown over THAT GUY. Instead, teams named from cities in New York and Pennsylvania with fanbases largely residing in the Dirty Jerz (F*ck off, Giants fans who try to claim the Jets are the trashy team with exclusively Jersey roots) do battle to take a division title that Dallas aggressively wants to forfeit.

Speaking of Jersey, while MTV might be backing off airing the now infamous Jersey Shore bar punch, we’ll gladly supply you with the footage.

[Note: The Mannings image on the live blog template is included because Peyton, Eli and Cooper are guest starring on The Simpsons this evening. I could have a bit part in an episode and I still wouldn't want to watch that garbage. What's amusing about that Simpsons book that came out recently is that they maybe found one person involved that doesn't admit that the show sucks now. But I still have to know what's with the green jersey on Cooper? Are they saying he was destined for the Jets?]

[Follow-up note: According to a commenter, "the green jersey on Cooper Manning was his high school colors at Isadore Newman in New Orleans." Thank you, New Orleans high school football mavens.]

There’s nothing better than watching ten games at once while waiting for your team to play later in the day, save perhaps for armagnac. Delicious life-saving armagnac, so often the first casualty of my liquor cabinet. The late afternoon games might not go down so smoothly, but they’ll do the job.

Dallas vs. San Diego

One team fares well during the Halcyon days while the other falters. Not to worry Dallas fans, Tony Romo’s capable hands are returning to holding duties.

Oakland vs. Washington

Hey look, the Redskins are actually favored to win a road game. Dan Snyder celebrated as if Six Flags had been upgraded all the way from “triple sell” to “risky.”

Tennessee vs. St. Louis

The Rams have been outscored by 175 points so far this season. Let’s go ahead and make it 200.

Chad Ochocinco wants to change his name to another clunky foreign translation of “Eight Five”. This time it’s Japanese, making it “Hachi Go” which sounds too much like Hibachi for Maj not to murder Chad in a defense of Gilbert Arenas’ honor. OchoHachiCincoGo also responded to the $30,000 fine for the poncho and sombrero he wore on the sidelines last week by saying he was going to blow the horn of Vikings mascot and Drew’s bear of choice, Ragnar, on Sunday. Also, he wants to punch Shawne Merriman in the mouth, but that will have to wait for next week.

Chad’s antics are temporarily overshadowing a pretty huge game. A few weeks ago, it seemed inevitable that the Vikings would have the second seed in the NFC sewn up. A loss here leaves them only a game up on Arizona, which owns the tiebreaker after dominating the Vikes last week. The Bengals, meanwhile, want to keep pace with San Diego in their hunt for the AFC second seed. The two teams play next week in what will likely decide whether it’s Marmalard or true Bengals hero J.T. O’Sullivan who gets the first round bye.

Also, it’s possible it could be a Super Bowl preview. Which makes us wonder what stunt Chad would pull if Cincy makes it to the Super Bowl in Miami? Remember that he’s from Dade County, so he would likely want to put on a show for the kith and kin. Since he’s turning Japanese, seppuku would be fitting if the Bengals come up short. Or, alternatively, he could get one of those comfort women Japanese guys like so much if they prevail.