As you know, ball-stealing fat camper Peter King is still on vacation this week, which means another week of combing through the extensive King vault, sifting through all the empty Starbucks cups and Kit Kat wrappers, and harvesting only the most idiotic of his old material to make fun of for no good reason. Last week we brought you the sorrowful tale of Peter using his press access to trick a precocious youngster out of a precious, precious, spring training foul ball. This week, we go right up Peter’s ass for his infamously pointless tale of colon cleansing from March 2006. But first, a quick note about King’s LA “Tweetup” today…

SI_PeterKing Just a reminder: Peter King/Sam Farmer Tweetup, LA Coliseum peristyle, 4-5 pm today prior to NFL 101/201 at Coliseum. We’ll have fun.

This is a rare treat for you Angelenos, seeing as how you usually have to wait until the end of August for the LA Coliseum to be packed with privileged douches. And even then, USC is still playing nonconference patsies and has yet to bloom into full fall douchefoliage. Anyway, any of you KSK readers who toss on a LOFTY SHIRT from our lovely t-shirt store and get your picture taken with King gets a special prize, and our endless kudos. Now, onto the old column…

Factoid That May Interest Only Me

Jim Burt Jr., the son of the former Giants and 49ers nosetackle, is a minor league first baseman in the Mets’ system. In two seasons as a pro, Burt has hit eight home runs. Last week he batted in a simulated game against ace Pedro Martinez — and hit a long home run.

Well, that kid’s got a future! Watch out, Daniel Schlereth!

Aggravating/Enjoyable Travel Note of the Week I

Hold onto your butts, people. Literally. This one’s a real growler.

I was scheduled for a colonoscopy on Thursday in West Paterson, N.J.

When you think of things going up your ass, think West Paterson!

If you’ve had one, or if you’ve had any intestinal procedure, you know that the day before such an internal snaking you’ve got to be, well, cleaned out.

Let’s pause right here and consider the necessity of the story you are about to read. When people make fun of Peter King these days, this item is usually Exhibit A in their complaints. It has nothing to do with football. It’s of no interest to anyone other than its author. And, despite being a poop story (and I’m a sucker for good poop stories), it isn’t funny. It’s just… ugh.

/holds my nose

One problem for me: On Wednesday, I was covering the Vince Young workout in Austin.

And there’s a certain lovely symmetry to someone observing Vince Young’s career prospects while needed to empty out all the contents of their large intestine.

Keep in mind, also, that this is Peter King’s ass that’s getting the spring cleaning. Think of all the stuff that’s been lodged in there over the years: old voice mail tapes, batting gloves, balls of discarded Brett Favre ankle tape, coffee grounds. His ass is the Ninth Ward of anal cleanup jobs.

My cleanout was due to begin at 1 p.m. My flight was due to leave Austin three hours later, and I was scheduled to get home by 8. In other words, I was not going to have the home-bathroom advantage for a good portion of the internal preparation.

And every autoflush toilet in the Austin airport just signaled a Code Brown.

I know nothing about colonoscopy prep, so for the sake of this post, I looked it up on about.com. Here are some, uh, chunks.

Most people who have had a colonoscopy would agree that the preparation is the worst part, since during the procedure, patients are sedated or given “twilight sleep” so that they do not feel any pain or even remember the test. However, preparation is usually done at home, and it can be quite challenging.

“How do I get all of this shit out of my ass?”

Why? The goal of colonoscopy prep is to eliminate all fecal matter from the colon so that the physician conducting the colonoscopy will have a clear view. There are several ways to achieve this, and some [doctors and patients will have their own methods that work best for them. There are, however, three main types of preparation: Golytely (also called Colyte, or Nulytely), phospho-soda, and sodium phosphate tablets (Osmo-Prep and Visicol).

I love that there’s a treatment called Golytely. Now I know where Truman Capote got his inspiration for Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

Golytely

This preparation will require a prescription from the doctor. It consists of a gallon jug with a powder mix inside. The patient will fill the jug with water to make a drink out of the powder. The instructions are usually to drink one 8 oz glass of the mixture every 10 minutes until the entire gallon is finished or eliminations are clear. After the first few glasses, bowel evacuation (in the form of diarrhea) will begin. Before the gallon is finished, many people find that their evacuations are totally clear and all the waste material is gone from the colon.

“Phew! I’m shitting pure water now. Don’t flush that! Put it in the Brita filter!”

They describe the other methods of prep, and they’re all basically the same: take something until you shit Deer Park. Sounds fun. Let’s see what happens when Peter King does it!

Pretty tricky. I’ve had two prior colonoscopies — you should have these things fairly regularly after turning 40, and I’m 48 — and know that once you begin your prep work, it’s about a six-hour process.

Ten hours if you ate at Pam Whiteley’s the night before!

So I figure, OK, I’ll start on the plane home, then finish at home.

Wouldn’t it have been prudent, at this point, to simply postpone the procedure? “Well, I’m going to have water spouting out of my ass for six hours straight. Let’s spent five of those hours in transit! I hope they fully stocked my DC-10’s bathroom with oversized sanitary napkins!”

When I advised a friend, Rich Fitter, of my plan, he shook his head and invoked an old Cosmo Kramer line. “Wet … and wild,” he said.

/throws up into paper bag

There’s no way that guy’s name is really Rich Fitter. “Say, Mr. Fitter, what do you think about my prep work in advance of having something lodged in my rectum?” Rich Fitter, you are the Mitch Puin of asswork.

I took the first of the preparatory medication (and believe me, that’s putting it very nicely) just before the three-plus-hour flight took off from Austin. I was in fine shape until maybe 40 minutes from landing when the captain came over the intercom and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve been told by the tower in Newark that we’re going to have to slow things up a bit because of traffic into the New York area. They’re putting us into a holding pattern, and we’re going to head over to Pennsylvania to circle…”

What? Traffic in the New York area? Arrival times delayed at a New York area airport? UNHEARD OF. MY PRECIOUS ASS PLAN HAS BEEN FOILED BY SUCH A RARE OCCURRENCE!

If only you had taken your sodium phosphate in the Back Bay, Peter. You city folk have been keeping from Peter how great it is to have an epic case of the runs in a major city.

I heard nothing else. All I could think was: My worst nightmare is coming true. It would get worse 10 minutes later, as we were banking bumpily somewhere over southeastern Pennsylvania.

“Stop shaking my colon! I can hear my shit water sloshing around!”

The flight attendant came on and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, because of the bumpy ride, we’re going to be turning on the fasten-seatbelt sign for the remainder of the flight…” AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!

What is it with Peter King and obeying signs? Dude, half your ass is about to fall out. Get up and go to the bathroom. Make like Arnold in Commando. “I am ay-uhsick.”

Take deep breaths. Long, deep breaths.

Pretend it’s a date with Romo. You’re in heaven.

Bumping around for 45 minutes. An eternity. Hold on. Just hold on. You raised two kids not to be ax murderers, you can survive this.

Yeah but one of them is a Lakers fan, so don’t go patting yourself on the back.

I’m going to have to get up and brawl with this flight attendant in a minute because of the seat-belt sign…

IGNORE THE SIGN, YOU SHIT BALLOON.

Out of the holding pattern. And seven or eight minutes later, like the God of Aviation knew what was happening inside me at that moment, the captain came on and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re on our final approach into the Newark area.”

Day of my wedding. Births of my children. Red Sox win the World Series. Landing in Newark.

So this story doesn’t end with you shitting your pants? COLOR ME DISAPPOINTED. This is what annoys me about Peter King. A good poop story ends with you shitting your pants. If you somehow manage to make it to the shitter, you do not end the story humiliated and bathing in your own filth. That won’t do. It’s not a proper poop story.

Once off the plane, I was as dignified as was humanly possible. I brisk-walked to the men’s room, and the rest is history.

As is your credibility. You just had readers wade through the swampy contents of your ass just to tell them you ended up just super? Fuck you.

One benign-polyp postscript:

Benign?

/shakes fist at God

The anesthesiologist and the internist were both big Sopranos guys.

In Jersey? Get out.

And my last memory before drifting off into never-neverland was those two guys talking about how unrealistic some of the medical scenes in the second episode were. Seems the family would never be allowed to witness the gruesome sight of dressing a gunshot wound, and there was insufficient attention paid to cleanliness in what should have been a perfectly antiseptic room. And my doctor, John Farkas, pointed out that the size of Tony’s wound was consistent with an exit wound, not an entry wound. “He got shot in the front, right?” Farkas said (I think). “Unless the bullet somehow hit something and came back out where it came in, that wound was far, far too big.” See what you learn reading this column?

Yep. Nothing. “Oh, no! This fictional show contains elements that are fictional!”

Aggravating/Enjoyable Travel Note of the Week II

There’s a second one? Oh, Christ.

Continental flight to Orlando, Saturday morning, 8:18 a.m.

NO KIT KATS ANYWHERE TO BE FOUND.

Beverage cart rolls through coach. Woman across the aisle says: “Bloody Mary. Two Skyes.” She gives the flight attendant $10, pours both mini-bottles of vodka into her plastic cup, and barely splashes the nearly fully cup with Bloody Mary mix. In five minutes, the cup is empty, except for the ice. Who can do that? That woman’s got Betty Ford written all over her.

Either that, or she knew she was sitting near a human water balloon. More from the column…

2. In Vinatieri’s last 55 regular-season games, he is 0 for 5 on field goal attempts of 50 yards or more. We all think he’s got a great leg, but what he has is a clutch leg.

This leg defines clutch! No other leg in league history is able to focus quite like this leg can. When I think of clutch body parts, I rank Vinateiri’s leg up there with some of the best:

-Scarlett’s clutch rack
-David Eckstein’s clutch torso
-Derek Jeter’s clutch hand
-Obama’s clutch ears
-Jack Bowers’ clutch prostate

3. I think Brett Favre’s coming back.

Keep in mind, this is 2006. So Peter King has been doing this speculative Favre shit for over three years. That’s three full years of nothing.

I think Roger Goodell, the NFL’s business czar, has by far the most internal support to succeed Tagliabue… This should matter, too: Goodell is one of the most decent men I’ve met in 22 years covering this league.

“Listen, men. This Goodell guy seems like a smart fellow who knows our league and how it operates. BUT I DON’T GIVE FUCK ALL ABOUT THAT. What we really need to know is if Peter King and his bloated asschute think he’s a decent man. That’s what matters. Jennifer, have Goodell meet with King and the Normans THIS INSTANT.”

I think the one thing the competition committee is going to pass this week is giving the horse-collar-tackle rule some teeth. How many times did you see the horse-collar tackle made last year without a flag thrown? I saw four or five of them. Why put in the rule if you’re not going to enforce it? The committee will press officiating crews to make the call more of a point of emphasis this year.

And so they did. No more attempting to tackle people by grabbing onto them in a manner that looks kind of dangerous but really isn’t. Thanks, league!

I think it’s an excellent idea to cut the replay review time from 90 to 60 seconds, which will likely happen this week. If you can’t see the play clearly enough in one minute of replay-reviewing, there’s not indisputable visual evidence to overturn the call.

Or you haven’t been shown the correct and clearest angle yet.

J.J. Redick is one of the classiest kids in sports today.

Damn right. HE ONLY PISSES ON CHICKS THAT DESERVE IT. And when he gets busted for DUI’s, he hangs a LEGAL U-turn at the police barricades!

He’s what’s good about sports.

He’s a cocky asshole who got lots of press in college because he was white and shot jumpers for an overcovered team. WHAT’S NOT TO LIKE?

Those who have taunted him over the years at Duke in ways other than normal booing need to look in the mirror and think: It’s pretty small to be ripping a kid who does nothing but try to make the most of his ability.

It’s true. Save your bile for Peter King and the fluid leaking out of him.

I’m begging you, Continental: Stop showing Joey on the in-flight videos. That is one brutally unfunny show.

It’s no FrankTV!

Coffeenerdness: I was standing next to Giants exec Frankie Mara in the coffee line at the faux Starbucks in the lobby of the Hyatt Grand Cypress Hotel on Sunday. I say “faux” Starbucks because it’s one of those improvised mega-carts, without real baristas or Starbucks staples like whole milk.

THIS IS NOT THE AUTHENTIC PHONY ITALIAN EXPERIENCE I AM USED TO.

Anyway, I got ready to fork over $2.93 for a regular cup of coffee. So did Mara, who also had a regular cup of coffee in his hand. Neither of us was very happy about it. “I don’t go to Starbucks,” he said with some disdain in his voice, holding a $20 bill. “I hope this is enough to cover it.”

Amazing story.

(Sopranos spoiler alert) Steve Buscemi as the Angel of Death in The Sopranos. Never saw that coming, David Chase. I watched Episode 3 on Sunday night with Paul and Linda Zimmerman, and I must admit that when Tony was on the verge of buying the farm, I got up from my chair and yelled at the TV: “No! You can’t kill Tony! It’s not his time!” Happily, Mr. Chase listened.

He sure did! He heard you just as that scene was airing, then had it rescripted, reshot, and re-aired in real time! You can’t afford to disobey Peter King people. He will shit hot Volvic all over you and your loved ones if you defy him.

From the next day’s followup column…

There was some confusion, obviously, about my cryptic Brett Favre comment in Monday Morning Quarterback. All I meant to say, quite literally, is that I believe Favre will play football again, and I believe he’ll play for the Green Bay Packers. This is decidedly not set in stone.

Just a guess. No real reporting here. He may retire. He may unretire three times and become the most insufferable man on Earth. It’s anyone’s guess. For you see, Brett Favre is just like chemistry, or a rectum full of poop water at 30,000 feet…

Here at the NFL owners’ meetings, the Packers’ people I’ve talked to believe the same thing I do: that the longer Favre goes without announcing what he’s going to do, the better chance there is that he plays. And judging from my last lengthy conversation with him on this subject, late last season, I simply don’t believe that he’d play for anybody else.

Except for two more teams, including the Packers’ most hated rival. You know Favre like no other, Peter.

Now, Favre is famous for changing his mind. So I could be totally full of hot air.

Or shit soup!

But I just think this guy doesn’t have anything in his life right now that could fill the void that would be left if he retired.

You could write that sentence every offseason for the next 60 years and it would still be true, my friend. Here’s to land barons and empty asses.

I understand that the weather is the single most mundane subject on the planet, but allow me to briefly say THANK GOD.  It’s finally becoming actual summer on the East Coast.  I didn’t want to bitch about The Rainiest June Ever because I appreciated my balls not stewing in sweat, but dammit, summer’s supposed to start Memorial Day weekend.  You gypped us a full month of girls in sundresses, Weather Systems!  I’ll make the earth pay for this!

/empties entire can of hairspray into the air

Anyway, now that it’s finally warm and sunny, let’s celebrate with some bikinis.  No famous models in this gallery, though — I prefer the illusion that these women aren’t too good for me.  Except for the girl whose head is cut off.  I think I could probably land a headless girl.  Just gotta find the right graveyard.

(all images via Cleavage Lover)

It’s a good thing he’s not spouting off statements like this in the NFL Network studio. After all, Deion Sanders is a child of God now.

Eisen updated his feed, saying that the statement was the work of someone who hacked his account. Of course, he just now got around the deleting the entry. Therefore, I’m inclined to believe he caught some of the ruttish “G8 Fever” that’s been going around. S’ok, Rich, happens to all of us at one time or another.

My TV went out this week. When I called DirecTV to have them come fix it, they told me they did not have access to anyone’s account information, and that I should call back in a day or two. Excuse me? A day? Whole day? What, you people think going without TV for a day is somehow acceptable? TV IS ALL I HAVE, YOU BASTARDS.

There are three services I can’t go without on a daily basis: air conditioning, Internet, and TV. The rest is gravy: phone service, lights, water, etc. All worthless. But TV? GET THAT SHIT FIXED. DirecTV, you just made MY FUCKING LIST YOU BASTARDS. Where did you lose all your account information, anyway? How the fuck do you lose that? What Serbian computer wizard has my precious account data? I would so switch to cable if cable wasn’t five times worse. AND DON’T YOU FUCKING FORGET IT.

Anywayyyyy, this week’s mock draft! Yes, this week’s mock draft is TV show character you’d like to room with. ROOMING DOES NOT MEAN YOU GET AUTOMATIC SEX. Au contraire. It almost certainly precludes it. So choose wisely. You choose a hot chick, you probably end up eternally frustrated. That said, my pick? Eliot from Scrubs, seen above.

Scrubs is a fucking annoying show. But this chick likes to get drunk, and she’s unreasonably attractive. I’m certain any number of… romantic misunderstandings?… could ensue! And she’d be too drunk to see that I have Bong Dick!

Yours in the comments. Pick one character. Fictional characters only, so no taking Conan O’Brien or something like that. I will, however, accept animated characters, because why not. Once that character is taken, all characters from their show are off the board entirely. Please wait ten picks to pick again. Now, DRAFT AWAY.

/stares at frozen blue screen. Fucking DirecTV.

Welcome back to the sex bag, everybody.  After a week off and with fantasy drafts getting nearer, we were flooded with emails.  Some late admissions missed the cut, but we’ll try to get to them next week.  Right now we’ve got more pressing problems, like how to coordinate a fantasy draft with a bachelor party, where to find a woman who can make you bleed during sex, how to make friends with benefits happen in three easy steps, and what to do when your girlfriend tries to F you in full view of her family.

Also discussed: the top running backs in the coming fantasy draft, IDP, and priorities by position.  Man, you can feel football season getting nearer in these questions.   Let’s pass some time together and get the opening kick-off closer, after the jump.

Sex first of course: So I am kind of an odd fuck in bed. I love getting scratched…. a lot. Yes, I love women who scratch and claw my back until a little blood is drawn. The problem is that I have a hard time suggesting to women without them running in terror while the lucky ladies who love to do that to me are too crazy for my own good. Is there a subtle way for me to suggest to a sane woman to put those nails to get use? Is it better to ask before sex or in the heat of the moment?

Have you tried fucking cats?  That could work.

When it comes to drawing blood during sex, you may want to ease your partner into the situation.  Something as simple as “Yeah, scratch me!” in the throes of passion might be all she needs to hear.  Or there’s always the in-bed discussion of “What do you like?” that helps move any sexual relationship forward.  Hell, you can start the conversation by asking her what she likes and use that to bring up that you want her to shred your epidermis.  Look at you!  You’re so sensitive and considerate!

Fantasy football: What is more important to think about when drafting for depth in a standard scoring QB, 2 RB, 3 WR, TE, K, DEF league: the 3rd RB or 4th WR? I am thinking the 4th WR because you will need him a lot more often.
-Maine man with indoor plumbing

Nope.  You’re not getting production from a position; you’re getting production from players.  Take the best available at either position.  (Although obviously if you draft a weak 1-2 RB combo, then you’ll want to prioritize a 3rd RB, and vice versa with WRs.)

Dear Herpes Sherpas,
In preparation for my wedding this fall, I’m having a bachelor party next month in Montreal with a few dozen fellow degenerates.

Stop.  A few DOZEN?  “A few” is a good amount for a bachelor party; a dozen is probably a couple too many but manageable.  A few dozen… wow.  Good luck with the logistics.

Not only is Montreal home to the most international of coffees, it’s known for having some of the best strip clubs in the world.  My problem is that, in the past, my friends have mocked me ruthlessly for my choice in strippers. On a Vegas trip with these guys a couple years ago, I spent a few hours in the back room with a lovely lady who treated me right. I thought she was smokingly hot, but my friends insisted looked a lot like a cross between Ann Coulter (without the penis, with the Adam’s Apple) and Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. When my friends and my little friend disagree, who should I side with? Should I give a shit about what my friends think? Or should I ignore their mockery and just enjoy it as these Amazons rub their sweet man-hands all over me?

Waaaaaaait a second.  A-Rod, is that you?

Strippers are a matter of preference.  Listen to your penis.  And if your friends give you shit, tell them they should be thanking you for getting one of the ugly ones out of the way, leaving more hot ones for them.

As for football — everyone’s talking about the possible return of Brett Favre, but no one’s paying attention to the original Comeback Kid, Doug Flutie. Does that feisty little Hobbit have a shot with the Vikings too?
Sincerely,
Cheese

No, but if he could drop-kick Favre in the junk, we’d all appreciate it.

To the bishops of bukkake,
Football: My friends and I are doing a live fantasy football draft the same day as our buddy’s bachelor party who is also in the league, how can we make fantasy football draft awesome?

Sex: The day of my buddy’s bachelor party we are also doing a live in person fantasy football draft, what can we do for the bachelor party to follow up an already kickass day?

We got this pair of questions worded differently from two different people; I’m going with this one because his email was shorter.  But the other guy was all psyched to bring strippers and have tits on display at the fantasy draft.  Let me be explicit here: DON’T HAVE STRIPPERS AT YOUR FUCKING FANTASY DRAFT.  It’s a fantasy draft, for fuck’s sake.  Do you enjoy getting laughed at by women?  Do you like it when one of the guys in the league is distracted and takes forever to make a pick?

Also, while I enjoy the noble profession of stripping and the wares on display, I want to suggest an alternative to having a wild “last night of freedom” filled with boobs and lap dances and sluts in loud clubs.  I’ve now gone to a couple bachelor parties where the groom, rather than getting group lap dances and dangerously shitfaced, instead focused on spending time with his friends.  Jackasses will gleefully dismiss this as gay, but a guys’ night out that includes a big steak dinner, some whiskey, and a poker tournament in a big-ass hotel suite will lead to better memories and a more lasting appreciation of your friendship.  And it’s more respectful to the bride to boot.

Dear Dick-Joke Santa Clauses,
Sex: I started last year. We clearly were into each other but both busy with school and two jobs each. We talked constantly throughout the day via texting, but rarely got a chance to hang out. In other words, we got to know each other before we got to KNOW each other, in the biblical sense (See what I did there?).

Yes.  You’re very clever.

Anyway, so she turns out to be a closet freak and tells me about how her and her ex had occasional threesomes, she’s down for the backdoor and she has an army of toys she uses on herself nightly. Of course I assumed this would translate to crazy cool sex when that finally happened. WRONG. We’ve been doing the nasty for about 2 months now and I’ve never had more boring sex in my life. She’s easily the hottest girl I’ve ever been with, so I try not to complain. But shit, how do I unchain the beast?

Wow, you must be terrible in bed.

No, no, I kid.  Maybe.  For you, sir, I recommend something that’s been trumpeted in just about about every mailbag ever: open and honest communication.  Tell her you’re concerned about her being satisfied, ask her what she likes, bring up the subject of the sex toys and offer to help her use them, etc.

Football: Who is the third-best RB behind Purple Jesus and Michael “Missle Silos for Legs” Turner? Is DeAngelo Williams gunna keep it up from last year? Also, if A-Rodge has another year as good as last season, I demand he gets a better Kharacter. How do you improve on Goth Aaron Rodgers? I don’t know. That’s your job. Make it happen.
-Sincerely,
Proponent of Cheese Fellatio (Get it? Cheese Head! HA!)

DeAngelo Williams is a mystery to me.  He could very well have another outstanding year, but… I don’t know.  He’s burned fantasy owners before; he can burn them again.  Some people will say MJD or Steven Jackson, but I’m high on Matt Forte.  With 1200 yards and 60+ receptions last season, his only weakness was a relatively low TD total for his yardage (8 rushing, 4 receiving).  Some people say his touches will go down with Cutler airing it out; I say the run game will have a better chance to succeed, and he’ll get more opportunities near the goal line.

As for content at KSK, we accept polite suggestions.  We ignore demands.  Fuck you, fuck Aaron Rodgers, and fuck your parenthetical explanations.  And also, thank you for your email.

Conquistadores del putang,
Football first, for football is life. I am a first time Fantasy Football player playing in a 10 man league. I’m not one of those noobs who doesn’t understand how the whole things work, in fact, I think I have a pretty strong grasp on it. Problem is, I’m a die hard Bears fan, and everyone keeps taunting me with the whole “Refrain from picking Cutler first!” deal. I’m not retarded, I know he would be a decent mid round pick at best… Thing is though, I’m really set on making Forte my first round pick. I’m a firm believer that he should get the same amount of yards, if not even more on less carries due to the fact that he should face a lot fewer 8-man (and, as i saw last year, occasional 9 -man) fronts. On top of his running ability, he scores points as a WR too. Some say he was just used as a dump-off man for Orton when he couldn’t connect to someone else, and that will be gone, BUT, I think they will now actually run plays designed for him to catch the ball, thus, his receiving production not going down at all. So, should I stick with my instinct and face the taunts of “Bear fan can’t live without his precious Bears” and laugh as he gets more points than AP?

As discussed, there’s no shame in making Forte a first-round pick.  You’d have to have some seriously homeristic cojones to take him first overall, but he’ll be selected in the top five or six in any league worth its salt.

Now for the banging. I’ve been seeing this girl now for just over a year, and everything is great, and all. We started seeing each other in high school, and now happen to be going to the same university. I have nothing wrong with her, she is, as i stated earlier, amazing in every way. Recently though, a small problem has creeped up. Her slightly younger, but far more attractive sister (If you are one to rank women, solid 9, potential 10, I’m talking REALY FUCKING SEXY) who has always stayed out of our way and ignored us, has started flirting with me…a lot. As it is, I’m 18, with a great girl, but, am tormented with having to look at her sister, and wishing my girl had tits and an ass like that. What the fuck should I do? I can’t leave her for her sister, the sister is actually realy annoying, but, as previously stated, mind-blowingly hot, but, I can’t just sit around with this going on.

J-Beks

flubby: boo fucking hoo

PUNTE: Seriously. I’d drown my mother in a bathtub for this asshole’s problems.

Me: “Wah wah wah, the hot teenage ass I get is so saggy compared to her younger sister’s hot teenage ass.”  In retrospect, this was not the best question to ask a group of men who are largely in their thirties and married.

Sup harbingers of death and football and sexy friday,
I’ve had my eye on one of my closest lady friends for several months, and we’ve always said that we would of at least had a fling or something if she were in college and didn’t have to worry about her parents. See, now we’re going to college, but she’s going to somewhere fancy on the other side of the state and I’m going to a rather average university closer to home. Now, I know I could hit that if I wanted to, but I’ve always held out for something a little bit closer to a real relationship. Seeing as how that’s going to be impossible, should I pursue this sexy time in the coming month or keep in contact and wait for another opportunity to pursue her both romantically and sexually a few years down the line?

Oh, college students.  The naivete would be cute if it hadn’t been us at that age. It really doesn’t matter, son. If you’re meant to be together, you can have sex now and still cultivate a real “relationship” after college. Go sow some oats.

For handegg, which Iggles WR would you rather have in fantasy, Kevin Curtis or DeSean Jackson? Jackson could either improve on his impressive rookie season or slump, while Kevin Curtis could either be a hobbled, useless, white guy or a bonafide Wes Welker, given the increased attention Action Jackson will draw.

Oh, tough one.  I tend to be wary of the sophomore slump (even with Matt Forte), and Curtis can turn in some great numbers.  But I think your question is fundamentally flawed: in a draft, how often do you have to choose between two players on the same team at the same position?  If you’re an Eagles fan who just HAS to draft an Eagles player with this next pick, then you’re a fool.  Take the best available for your needs.  Odds are you’ll never have to choose between these two.

Dudes,
So I’ve been dating this girl for about 9 months and it’s going great. She’s funny, very well educated, has a great job and I’m pretty sure she’s the one. [She's] the youngest of four with three older brothers, I was going to be the first guy she brought home to Mom and Dad. One problem, the family resides in Florida and we’re farther north, so we all decide to take a vacation together. Upon getting to vacation, they graciously led us to where we would be sleeping: the sun room. One problem: sun rooms are made of glass and you can see every goddamn thing that happens.

RAWR!

But we’re both 27 and can make good, rational decisions. However, after dinner and drinks I’m attacked by my girlfriend in the bedroom that night. She’s on top and not giving up. Although [this is] normally awesome and encouraged there’s one problem: I can see her F*CKING PARENTS AND BROTHERS in the other room while we do it. All it would take is any member of her family to do more than glance in the sunroom or want some fresh air and they’d see me, the newbie, balls deep in their little sister/beloved daughter/symbol of everything good and innocent in this world.

Yes!  That makes it hotter!

She tries to calm me down by saying: “They really like you and they’d want us to have sex”.

Awesomest. Girl. Ever.

I’m sure they like me. And I’m sure they assume that we’ve had sex at some point. But this has to be the stupidest f*cking thing uttered by anyone, ever. Which leads me to my question: Fathers, if you allow your daughter and boyfriend to sleep in the same bed, are you subliminally insinuating that you expect them to have sex? I’m no father, but I’m pretty sure I’d have “Never see my daughter have sex” at the top of my priority list.

So then I finished and faked being asleep.

-Sad but True

Pssshhhh, so they didn’t even see you ballin’ her?   Then what’s the problem?  Sure, I understand that the situation was terrifying for you, and your girlfriend was being reckless with your potentially fragile standing with her family.  On the other hand, RECKLESSNESS IS SEXY.  Enjoy the fact that you’ve got a great girlfriend who wants sex with you no matter what.  Then take her to your parents’ place and make her give you a handjob at the dinner table.

Dear Assplay Aficionados,
Sex- I have been with my girlfriend for over two years, her and her son (age 6) both moved into my house about a year and a half ago.

I apologize for doing this, but: “SHE and her son…” Can’t have you teaching your potentially adopted son incorrect grammar.

We’re in our upper twenties, so we’re not elderly yet, but we don’t live a very Pacman-esque life either. Basically, I feel like I’m an old married dude with a Ketel One habit. She’s a great girl, no more of a pain in the ass than any other chick, and I get pooper whenever I want. I sorta miss the skirt chasing, partying, do-whatever-I-want life that I led before though. Ultimately, what I have right now is the goal, I just didn’t think that it would come this early. So tell me; is 27 to soon to be tied down, break it off, and start plowing through all the trim I can without getting McNair’d? Or do I quit whining about having a decent, albeit mundane relationship? Some of you guys are hitched, is it worth it?

Well, 27 is certainly NOT too young to be married.  My parents got hitched at 22 and 19 and are still in love with each other (weirdos).  And most married men will tell you that the love and stability you get in marriage is preferable to being out chasing tail and being frustrated by not finding someone who’s cool and not crazy.  However, the key is finding a person who makes you happy, someone you want to be with for the rest of your life.  Most people in relationships headed in that  direction don’t call it “decent” and “mundane.”

So do what you have to do, but don’t romanticize the notion of partying and skirt-chasing just because you’re in a relationship.  There’s really nothing wrong with being an old married dude with a Ketel One habit, as long as that’s what you find fulfilling.

Football- I’m starting a dynasty league this year. I have never played in IDP leagues or PPR, and this will be both. Standard scoring for offense. Defense will have a DL (line or linebacker), DB, and a IDP Flex spot. 2pt sacks, int’s, fumble recovery. 1 point for forced fumble, pass defended, every 3 tackles. 4 points for the IDP touchdown, no return yards. What round should I think about starting to draft IDPs? And with the PPR aspect, who would the top 3 picks be? People keep telling me MJD would be better than Purp Jeezy. I tell them to drink antifreeze.
Sincerely,
Get Off My Lawn

PUNTE: PJ will be No. 1, hands down. As far as IDPs, I like to grab one guy in the first five rounds and then round out my starting lineup when the offense is picked, but I think a DRC-type player would be worth a 3rd rd pick or even a 2nd.  I haven’t done the math on IDPs in a couple years, but DBs will be valuable in that format and they’re super-scarce to begin with.

Dear purveyors of poon,

SEX: I’m a 20 year-old engineering student at a university with a 3:1 male-to-female ratio, so I basically have no chance of getting laid more than two or three times during the school year, by sheer force of numbers. I also have no chance of getting laid during the summer, because I’m not that good looking, and I don’t know many available women.

Sounds awesome.

To solve this problem, I went to one of my female friends and offered a “friends with benefits” situation. She’s just a few months out of a 3 year relationship, and has made clear that she’d love to get laid with no strings attached. She turned me down; nicely if it makes a difference.

Wait, you approached her with the offer?  Why not just go straight to her father and see how many head of cattle is in her dowry?  What an awkward thing to propose.  What are you, some kind of engineering student who’s never around any wom– Oh.

For the record, the way to get into a FWB situation is a simple three-step process with very little variation: (1) Get drunk together.  (2) Hook up.  (3) “I’m really not looking for anything serious right now, and I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

My question is, am I justified in just dropping her friendship like a bad habit now I know she won’t fuck me? I have plenty of friends, so I’m in the market for something else. Of everyone I know, she’s the most needy and demanding. If I didn’t do anything about it, she would literally instant message with me every available moment, and when we do talk or hang out, I have to carry the conversation. It’s basically like we’re dating, except she’s interchangeable with a fire hydrant for all intents and purposes. Is it wrong to cut off this emotional leech if I’m not getting anything out of it, mainly vagina?

Friends who are needy, demanding emotional leeches aren’t worth your time — be they male or female.

FOOTBALL: I was born and grew up in Drew’s favorite state, New Hampshire (Prep schools, flannel shirts, and strip malls, oh joy). This makes me, by default, a Pats fan. I have followed them since I was conscious enough to know I love football (the Drew Bledsoe era was AMAZING), and I’m a veritable force of football knowledge and know-how, but my problem is that everyone lumps me in with the fans who think that TAHMMY BRADY IS THA LAWHD AND SAY-VIUH, AND TEDY BRUSCHI IS HIS AAAHK-ANGEL. What can I do to keep from being a joke and/or laughingstock anywhere I go?
Sincerely,
Dan

Anyone who cheers for the team closest to their childhood home needn’t apologize for liking that team.  Take pride in your Pats fandom, and be an ambassador of Pats fans wherever you go.  If you handle yourself with dignity and are anything resembling a decent, intelligent human being, people will be pleasantly surprised.  It’s good to break down stereotypes.

/puts on pants

Jim Mora, Jr.: Looks like we’re approaching the summit.

Roger Goodell: This has been a truly incredible experience. I really want to thank you for getting me to do this. I’m pushing myself to my physical limits in ways I’ve never called on myself to do at any point in my overwhelmingly privileged life. I thought meting out punishment to NFL players was something but this is a visceral thrill that cannot be matched. Unless you count indefinitely suspending players for vaguely unseemly off-field activities. That’s still tops in my book.

Jim Mora: Hey, it’s my pleasure.

Voice: Oh my god, it’s people!

Jim Mora, Jr.: Who goes there?

Voice: Wow, you’re the first guys I’ve seen in a while.

Jim Mora Jr.: Hey, that’s Dave Brown. Used to quarterback for Giants for a few years in the ’90s.

Roger Goodell: What in the world are you doing up here? And in full pads?

Dave Brown: Chris Calloway told me back in 1995 that if you lived at the top of a mountain, you never get old, or at least you would get old very, very slowly. Something about the elevation. So that’s what I’ve been doing for a while.

Jim Mora: So where is he then?

Dave Brown: He also told me black people don’t climb mountains. That’s why they die younger. His words.

Goodell: Hate to break it to you, but that’s not true in the slightest.

Dave Brown: Which part?

Goodell: Either. But especially the part about not getting older.

Mora: Yeah. It looks like you’ve aged horribly.

Dave Brown: C’mon man, that’s not cool. I’m as young and full of vitality as I ever was.

Goodell: Do you need some help getting down the mountain? We’ve got extra supplies. It looks like you’ve been a bit misinformed.

Dave Brown: Oh, I’m informed all right, Commissioner Goodell. I got info like you wouldn’t believe. Here’s one little nugget for you: I do know that your failure to help the ownership strike a deal with the player’s union will end in a lockout that could jeopardize the 2011 season, a singular disaster that will set into motion a series of cataclysmic events that results in the fall of man in 2012, just as the Mayans and Roland Emmerich have foretold. Also, I know you jerked it real quick one time in Jeffrey Lurie’s luxury box in Philly. And didn’t even wipe up.

Goodell: What? Wait. How do you know about that?

Dave Brown: [vanishes]

Goodell: Can we go home now?

Mora: Before you get mad, I just gotta say I wouldn’t have brought you up here if I knew Mount Rainier was haunted by the ghosts of crappy QBs who aren’t actually dead yet.

Goodell: I wish I could believe that.

Mora: And I won’t tell Paul Allen. Promise.

The Jacksonville Jaguars, in an effort to attract more season ticket holders, are offering a Jaguars Rewards program that will offer them discounts through supportive local businesses.

“The Jacksonville Jaguars are offering local businesses free advertising to help increase profits during these hard times. It’s fast, easy and free. All that’s required is a valuable offer for Jaguars Season Ticketholders, such as: Buy one entrée get a second one 1/2 off, or 25% off of your next dry cleaning bill.”

That’s right, a second entrée for half the price. That’ll give Fatty McNotickets something to think about. And remember, those are just two examples of the great deals waiting for you. Continue after the jump for more advantages of of the rewards program.

• 25% off of face paint and hair dye from the Make Believe costume shop of Jacksonville (teal only).

• One leisurely walking tour of Jacksonville (bring comfortable shoes, a sleeping bag, and enough food and water to last 10 days).

• Buy one season ticket and get a minority ownership stake in the franchise.

• 10% off at any of the Jacksonville area’s 18 Waffle House locations.

• One FREE tire balancing (offer not valid if your wheels won’t take a balance, road king package available for a moderate price).

• 15% off of your first visit to Silky Garrard’s Pleasure Emporium. Gratuity not included.

• FREE circumcision performed by Jacksonville’s own Tim Tebow (no brises)

• FREE dead hooker removal (limit one per card holder). Have a dead hooker on your hands? Let the city of Jacksonville handle the pickup and disposal with all the discretion you demand with this one time only offer. It sure beats trusting the job to your blabbermouth fifth-grade son like some Eatonville degenerate.

What kind of discounts would it take for you to sign up to be a Jacksonville Jaguars season ticket holder? Let us know in the comments.