C’mon, deep down you’ve always suspected it.

While Dolphins fans are near orgasmic at the thought of a forfeit victory, the rest of us are bored shitless by the delay in starting the game tonight. Here’s something to idle away the hours while waiting for these clowns to fix Heinz Field’s latest drainage fiasco: Philip Rivers telling home fans to shut up during an early rough patch in the Charges 32-14 over the Ravens. We hear those hardboiled, cynical San Diegans can be downright brutal on a shrinking violet like Philip.

Man. Up. Nancy.

Shawne Merriman got freaking killed by Maurice Jones-Drew. Merriman has nine inches and 70 pounds on Mojo, but it doesn’t keeping him from getting his ass dropped like a sack of dirt on this play. While Merriman was otherwise occupied, David Garrard threw a TD pass to TE Marcedes Lewis. Not a typo. “Marcedes.”

But the biggest hit taken in Jax yesterday was by Philip Rivers’ rep. That guy folds like a K-Mart pup tent. I think he could get psyched out playing skee-ball. Chargers fans might want to start organizing that road trip to Tijuana.

While I’m sitting here watching Sunday Night Football with every light in my house turned on, I thought I’d put up this old video of Coach Reid at home. He’s so good with his family!

This Jacksonville fan reminds us that there are alternatives to watching this ass-whipping. Certainly, Colonel Angus would be proud.

Crazy good pull by Chris at Mister Irrelevant.

To make further inroads into the burgeoning Spanish-language market (as well as to nominally celebrate Hispanic Heritage Month) you may have noticed that the NFL and NBC made a few minor tweaks to Sunday night’s Bears-Cowboys ass-kicking.

The graphics would occasionally refer to the Cowboys as the “Vaqueros” and the Bears as the “Osos” and Terrell Owens as “pendejo.” The halftime entertainment may or may not have featured 90′s retread Gloria Estefan and AAA-radio (yaaaaawn) favorite Ozomatli. I wouldn’t know because I was watching Family Guy’s Star Wars tribute by that point. In any event, none of these changes seemed particularly troublesome or even noteworthy for that matter.

But then there’s this guy…

“I DON’T KNOW IF WE OWN ANYTHING IN THIS COUNTRY ANYMORE!”

I’m not sure who the “we” that T.J. Douchemanzadeh here is referring to– but at the very least, “they” still own that redneck sleeveless t-shirt and no one will ever take that away.

Look, life can vexing at times. Your car breaks down at the most inopportune of times. Your boss is whipping your ass for no reason. Your favorite porn star suddenly OD’s. But the key to living to see next Sunday’s games is taking it all in stride. Hopefully this guy will realize that before he gives himself an apoplexy.

Actually, I do have one small complaint about NBC’s coverage: the WWF long ago conditioned me to believe that once the Spanish-language broadcast team is acknowledged on-screen, someone will soon be thrown through their table, sending TV monitors flying while babbling announcers scramble for their lives. Think about it. Wouldn’t the best way to finish off Rex Grossman’s career as a starter have been to let Brian Urlacher snap and deliver the flying elbow while Raul Allegre screams “DIOS MIO!!! EL JEFE MUY LOCO! DONDE ESTA MI TEQUILA???”

Who got Knocked The Fuck Out this week? Robert Meachem, that’s who. Rookies don’t realize they are supposed to play pre-season games on auto-pilot. Here, Saints receiver and former Tennessee Vol Robert Meacham gets his junk knocked loose Big East-style by Steeler rookie William “Big Play” Gay. Have I mentioned that it’s wonderful times ten to have the NFL back?

Caught most of the debut of “Hard Knocks” last night. The highlights for me: Gunther Cunningham calling one his players “numb-nuts” and Hall of Famer Charlie Joiner’s touching confession to a rookie that he once shit himself on the field. I didn’t realize until I checked my email this morning that the narrator of HK is Brian Fontana himself, Paul Rudd. (HT: Adam at Pacman Jonesin’).

Lastly, we present this bit of off-topic YouTube goodness. Play close attention to end. That MILF may have emasculated the poor bastard for the last time. How this ever made it onto television in the seventies is beyond me.

Probably the only thing better in life than watching two teams in pads try to beat the shit out of each other is watching two guys without pads try and do the same. I don’t know what it is about football that gets people’s pugilistic passions pumping. Maybe the alcohol? Yeah. Probably the alcohol.

The Undercard.

Dude in Chargers jersey (hey–throwbacks!) takes issue with the congregation’s assessment that the San Diego Zoo is no longer America’s Favorite Zoo. Tempers flare. Beer is not dropped.

The Main Event.

You can catch the preamble to this little skirmish in some other clips, but this is where it all comes to a head. It’s like COPS, but without the cops.

Do we still have time to get an NFL team in LA for 2007?