It was revealed prior to the draft that Megatron would be on the cover of this year’s Madden game. Well, now the mock-up of the cover has arrived for people who need to see packaging three months in advance of purchase. And…yep, that sure is Calvin Johnson. From what I’ve seen, the reception is skewed toward the underwhelmed. Chris Chase says they should have left the ball in the shot, because otherwise we have no idea what Megatron is doing in that pose. He could be doing anything, like focusing his telekinetic powers to lift a car. Yup, solid point, there. You tell ‘em, Chase.

- Terrell Suggs suffered only a partial tear of his Achilles tendon, creating the possibility that Ball So Hard University could resume scheduled classes sometime after fall midterms.

- Rex Ryan was spotted wearing a Devils jersey during the team’s series-deciding win against the Flyers last night. Busted Coverage is quick to point out that Rex was pictured wearing a Flyers jersey at a game two years ago. And that would totally matter if Rex Ryan gave a sh*t about hockey, which I’m confident in assuming he doesn’t.

- Michael Vick used the chess skills he picked up in prison to demolish a bunch of kids at the game, including sixth-grader named True Knowledge Islam.

- Cris Carter said the Vikings had bounties back when he played for them. But they were to protect teammates from opponents. In retrospect, probably should have let the other guys take out Gary Anderson.

- LaVar Arrington, always to be counted on to elevate the discourse, said that parents keeping kids from playing football is the result of “sissification”.

- Cowboys-Redskins rivalry toilet, obviously from the Dallas fan perspective. At least when it gets clogged during their Thanksgiving game, it’ll serve as a totem of hate.

“Hi, my name is Rob. I’m into Zubaz, partying rocking, crushing it, jizz blasting and taking the virginity of evangelical quarterbacks.”

Ideally, that will be a line we get at some point on “The Choice”, a new celebrity dating show that Fox has lined up to fill time during the desolate summer months. Along with half the cast of “Jersey Shore” (always presages good things), the show has already gotten Ndamukong Suh and Rob Gronkowski to commit to participate. This must mean that “Dancing With The Stars” has lost its exclusive license for NFL players appearing in reality shows.

UPDATE: Looks like Warren Sapp has agreed to take part as well. Between this and his new judge show, Sapp is primed to be the new king of trash TV.

In the show, which debuts June 7, everyday contestants are given a chance to win a date with their famous counterparts. The contestants are paired down over three rounds until each celebrity – four appear each episode – blindly chooses a date for the evening.

Well, this could be a little bit of NFL-relevant mindless fun during the otherwise barren wasteland of the post-draft off-season. I like the potential for Gronk to bro our minds when having to seduce a contestant on-screen. Let’s hope that whoever lands Suh is a sub, because they might as well enjoy their experience getting stomped on.

Reacting to recent comments made by retired NFL quarterback Kurt Warner, the creator of the universe on Tuesday said that, were He interested, He would allow His only begotten son to play football.

Warner, reflecting on recent events such as the Saints bounty scandal and the suicide of Junior Seau, said last week that he would prefer that his sons not pursue a career playing football. God responded in a communique delivered to actor Bronson Pinchot that He does not share Warner’s stance.

“You know, Kurt and I have spoken on numerous occasions and discussed a great many subjects together. I respect the man’s opinion, insofar that he’s fallible and I am not, but we just don’t see eye-to-omnipresent-eye on this one.”

God said that His son has never brought up the idea of playing football because, according to God, “He’s kind of a pussy”. But if Jesus did ask to play, He would be allowed.

“Jesus doesn’t really have the bulk for it, but if He really wanted, He could hit the gym and put on some muscle. Would do Him some good, if you ask me. Always hanging out in my kingdom, being all pensive about mankind. He could use some fresh air. Though he might have to address his footwork as well. All those years in sandals did a number on his stride. If he wanted to play, I’d let him, sure. I mean, I let the kid die. Why not football?”

God added that He is perplexed by the sudden worry by many former players and fans about the essential rightness of letting children play football.

“There are so many things I have created that can kill and destroy you puny mortals that it seems arbitrary to single out football as something to be especially concerned about. Even things that seem benign and wonderful can kill you. Like the sun! And sugar! Did you mortals finally figure out that sugar causes cancer? Yup, it sure does. There are causes you haven’t even discovered yet. I can be such a bastard sometimes.”

God closed with a reiteration that He is not to blame for Tim Tebow, before leaving Pinchot to finish with his bender.

Happened a little bit ago, but new to me: Eagles offensive lineman Danny Watkins bought his own fire engine, fulfilling the dreams of boys ages 4-7 the world over. Watkins then filmed himself joyriding the truck with the siren running. Even though Watkins has been a occasional firefighter since he was 16, I’m not sure how it’s legal to do that, though I suspect it probably isn’t. At the very least, the siren part. Anyway, if he’s got some free time, there are probably some passed out Phillies fans in D.C. who could use some assistance.

- Giants players pelted Eli Manning with bananas at the team practice facility on Monday to rag on Elisha for his antics on SNL. Sure, but when Spanish soccer fans do it, it’s suddenly wrong.

- THASSS RACIS of the day: Redskins safety DeJon Gomes said that he has been mistaken for RGIII around D.C. on five occasions since the draft. Why can’t people look beyond skin color and dreads and instead look to the content of our silly socks?

- Aaron Rodgers and Ryan Braun are teaming up to open their own restaurant. Expect championship belt and botched piss test themes to be prevalent.

- OH NOES, you guys. Cris Carter said a naughty word on an otherwise unwatchable ESPN show. Heavens! Imprecations on the airwaves! Knowing ESPN, they’ll hold this for the first C’MON MAN segment of the season in September.

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I’ll apologize at the outset for the lack of a death blow in this giraffe fight. I guess Discovery prefers not to be things like “exploitative” or “fun”. Either way, I enjoy the supreme awkwardness of this battle. It’s like the animal kingdom equivalent of a kicker fight in full pads, and they could only actually kick each other. Holy sh*t, I would pay so much money to see that. As much as, [checks pockets], four singles and a bar receipt.

There’s also the informative detail that the giraffes need not worry about the safety of their necks during the scrum because they have 12-inch-thick vertebrae. Any day now I expect to hear news of Peyton Manning getting giraffe implants.

Fresh off an appearance at the Kentucky Derby where he was upstaged by teammate Wes Welker in the arena of pretentious menswear, Tom Brady paid a visit to the Met Gala in New York on Monday pulling out all the stops. So far, Twitter wags have likened the new faux-hawk to “David Beckham + Ed Grimley” and “Cameron Diaz in ‘There’s Something About Mary’“. That said, I’ve yet to see a Boston fan bemoaning the latest effete Brady look as proof that Dreamboat has lost it and Gisele has Yoko’d the Patriots.

Could it be that Brady’s troll powers are on the wane? Is that even possible? Frankly, I blame the choice in haircut. The faux-hawk is a bit of a mid-Aughts look, so people have gotten used to it, to a degree. Hell, even other NFL players have sported it from time to time. If Brady really really wants to bring his top troll game, I suggest going the Skrillex route.

So, perhaps not the best outing, but I feel confident that Brady will rebound.

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Mike Shanahan drove his golf cart into the one that ‘Skins linebacker/odd choice for Geico pitchman Brian Orakpo was riding during a tournament today at Trump National, which is touted as being in D.C., but actually resides in the former Patton Oswalt stomping grounds of STERLING, VIRGINIA (BURKA BURKA BURRRRRRRRR). Unsilent has the right idea by suggesting that Orakpo show up at OTAs with a neck brace.

- Bernard Pollard doesn’t believe that football will exist in 20 or 30 years, possibly because he’s going to dive headfirst into its knees.

- The Titans have been targeting players with a wrestling background. Should be noted that unfortunately that’s real wrestling and not WRASSLIN’ [Cena sucks]

- Dreamboat, Wes Welker and Bill Belichick went to the Kentucky Derby over the weekend. Massholes are shocked and dismayed to discover that Brady was actually OUTQUEEAHED BY WELKAH! NAWT YOU TOO, LITTLE BUDDY! In other news, Belichick cut loose and let his MILF wear one of the big hats.

- There’s a report that the suspended but still interim Saints coach Joe Vitt instructed Anthony Hargrove to lie about the existence of the bounty program. Once again, this Saints season is going to be so fun.

- The Bills gave Fred Jackson a contract extension. Because when you can lock down a 31-year-old running back coming off a broken leg, you do it.

Plucked by a Reddit user from the festering recesses of 4chan is this mosaic of Philip Rivers that is oddly, crudely fascinating in all the ways that can be applied to Marmalard himself. That they used our favorite Rivers pose is a nice bonus.

I’d like to believe that Marmalard would want this in a museum, if only those weren’t institutions that catered to godless fornicators, polluted as they are with intellectual curiosity and STDs. That and Laserface would want the curators to yell at visitors while they look at the image, possibly even pulling a few aside at random to let them know they aren’t good enough to be in its presence. If at all possible, it should be suspended in air, not attached to a wall.

When we last left doughy, tasteless hockey doofus, Peter King, he was bellyaching that the employees at an airport Starbucks weren’t in a huge rush to give him his triple venti whole milk lardaccino. He’s the Upton Sinclair of upscale coffee chains. PK also railed against the notion that the Browns got fleeced by the Vikings when they gave up all those picks they didn’t have to.

So what about this week? How many D-Days are about to take place in Minnesota? Hint: minimum five D-Days. Why don’t more people feel good for Ben Roethlisberger? Could it be the rapiness? Also, were you aware, contrary to popular belief, there is only one way to travel on the East Coast? It’s true! READ ON.

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