I’ve thought about it for nearly two weeks now, and I still can’t bring myself to root for either team. My wife is a Giants fan, which doesn’t really help me decide. As much as I want to avoid dealing with some weepy Super Bowl loser, I’m not convinced the alternative is any better. Either way, she’s probably going to cry.
A win for the Giants means they’ll have one more than the Redskins. A loss and Boston fans will be happy. There is no good choice here, no matter how I think about it. The only thing that makes me lean in one direction over the other is the idea of Eli having more rings than Peyton. But that’s hardly enough to make me happy about the outcome. This is why gambling is so important. All I have to do is commit to one team, and put enough money on the line to make a win satisfying.
It’s February! Almost time for the Super Bowl! YAY! Valentine’s Day is around the corner! BOOOO!
This year for Valentine’s Day, I’m putting in crazy-long hours at the Westminster Dog Show on the 13th and 14th, so I can’t possibly take my fiancee out to dinner in a packed restaurant of two-tops populated with overdressed people who don’t put enough energy into their relationships the other 364 days of the year. SHUCKS. Sorry, honey. I owe you one (1) romantic evening of takeout and “The Wire.”
The New York Post got their grubby hands on a private email from Gisele to friends and family asking for them to pray for her husband Tom Brady.
My sweet friends and family,
This sunday will be a really important day in my husband’s life. He and his team worked so hard to get to this point and now they need us more than ever to send them positive energy so they can fulfill their dream of winning this super bowl . . .
So I kindly ask all of you to join me on this positive chain and pray for him, so he can feel confident, healthy and strong. Envision him happy and fulfilled experiencing with his team a victory this sunday.
Thank you for your love and support. Love, G :)
It’s funny because she believes in stuff. Not to be outdone by Rupert Murdoch, we’ve unearthed a personal email sent from Olivia Manning to her closest friends.
Dearest loved ones,
As you know, my precious baby Eli will be playing in the Super Bowl this Sunday. And as you might expect, he’s very nervous. My poor little angel was up all night suffering from anxiety induced diarrhea. I only tell you this because we consider all of you to be part of our family, and I ask that you join me in praying for him extra hard before now and Sunday.
Thank you for your discretion with regards to this sensitive matter.
The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are more than happy to take part in. For the next two weeks, stars from all over the world will drop in to make their picks. Today, it’s Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich.
By the end the fourth quarter, the Patriots will have won this game by a score of 37-26. Tom Brady will have thrown four touchdown passes, and Aaron Hernandez will have caught three touchdown receptions. Brady will win the MVP by a decisive margin, just as I shall win by a decisive margin in the Nevada caucuses on February 4th.
Five weeks from now, I will have overcome last night’s loss in Florida, won a majority of states on Super Tuesday, and cemented my place as the GOP party nominee. I WILL be the nominee. In November, I will defeat Barack Obama by a margin of 60 electoral votes and take back control of this country from Socialists and freeloaders. By the end of my first term, we will have created 5 million new jobs, ten percent of them located on the moon. We will have established a permanent base on the moon, and will send out a team of privately funded super buggies to survey the entire surface of the moon and bring back 400 kilotons of moongold, securing this nation’s economic future for the next 700 years. Here is a simulation of that Moon Patrol.
By the end of my first 100 days, we will have learned to control the weather, summoning rain in dry seasons and sunshine in wet seasons. We will be able to grow hydroponic corn inside hotel saunas. We will have also completely weaned black people off of welfare for good, forcing them to either finally get a job or leave the country. My preference, frankly, would be the latter. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying that.
We will have assassinated Vladimir Putin and installed in his place a fully functional Yakov Smirnoff android, who will sign favorable deals with us to export Russian oil and underage Russian call girls. By the end of my first term, I will have divorced my current wife, married one of these call girls, given her a position in my Cabinet, fired her over creative differences, and replaced her with a 23-year-old GOP pollster with killer legs and a pretty mouth.
By the end of my second term, we will have invented cold fusion. Now, we’re gonna need a place to store all that free, clean energy. And I will have set up permanent energy stations in formally blighted urban areas vacated by minorities who were too lazy to afford proper health insurance and died as a result. We will have bulldozed many of these corpses out of the way to make room for clean, efficient new ultramalls that will offer people fine food and clothing at reasonable prices.
We will have annexed China. We will have taken over that nation completely and finally gotten them to stop spitting on the sidewalk. We will build an elaborate system of treehouse condos that will be the envy of every other nation. We will have cured death, and found a way to accommodate the resulting spike in population. We will have expanded the United States by 20,000 square miles by building an elaborate network of man-made islands shaped like a palm frond. We will have cured obesity thanks to a special new brand of prescription chewing gum. EVERY American will have an IQ over 150. People that wish to replace their defective limbs with robot parts will be able to. We will have developed a special DEATH RAY that can take out alien spacecraft from 22 lightyears away, more than enough time to fend off the coming Xerophians. We will have fully irrigated the Moab desert and learned to clone pineapples. And we will have finally made auto-fellatio a skill all men possess.
The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are more than happy to take part in. For the next two weeks, stars from all over the world will drop in to make their picks. Today, it’s Drive star, Ryan Gosling.
When we last left fate xeroxer Peter King, he was personally clearing his airplane seat of refuse, which is something that should only happen if you’re living in INDIA. I also put him under legit fire for declaring a carrot he ate to be his first memorable moment of championship weekend. In Peter’s defense, it WAS a big carrot. Thicker than Tebow downstairs. He also rode the cable cars, lamented the lack of Rams home games featuring Tom Brady, and expounding on the wonders of cooking and toxicity.
So what about this week? Did Peter find some other complete idiot who doesn’t like football who Peter thinks has lots of out-of-the-box ideas about the sport? I’m told that Paul Krugman would like to do away with the sport entirely in favor of a series of town hall meetings to discuss the economic effects of raising the capital gains tax. PRETTY HARD HITTING STUFF. And did Peter get to drink more Blue Bottle coffee? READ ON. There’s something about this Fun With Peter King that’s hard to put a finger on, but also very tough to beat.
I’ve watched tennis and NBA basketball today: if these aren’t dire straits, then I don’t know what is. In that light, the Pro Bowl is a welcome, albeit neutered, version of NFL football. We malign the Pro Bowl, and rightly so, but it’s better than in years past: at least it’s a pointless distraction the week before the Super Bowl, rather than after.
Of course, there will be no Giants or Patriots in tonight’s game, which may benefit the NFC slightly more: Ben Roethlisberger will start at QB for the AFC, and the depth chart quickly gets thin after that. The NFC, of course, won’t miss Eli Manning, as Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, and Cam Newton will share snaps behind center. That’s about as much analysis as I can force myself to muster. Meh.
So anyway, if you’re a die-hard glutton for even a tufurkey version of an NFL game, this is the thread for you. Use our new commenting system to let everyone know how much you hate Chris Berman’s Hawaiian shirt.
There are some alterations afoot with the KSK commenting system and live blogs. As is this is a fairly cut-and-dry housecleaning post devoid of dick jokes and full of scary change, we’ll leave all the sordid details after the jump.
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