Courtesy of reader Tim Tebow’s Girlfriend’s Tits comes this sign, apparently posted outside the Chiefs locker room. And now you know why Todd Haley is the lamest coach in the history of everything ever. THAT’LL LEARN YOU GOOD, LARRY JOHNSON. THERE’S NO STOPPING THE CHIEFS NOW.
EPISODE 21. GAME SIX AND A HALF. PUNTE and Brandon run through the issues of the day before making NFL picks with special guest “Gordon” and playing the “lost” interview with Jelisa Castrodale of The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy, (she’s also on Tumblr, YouTube, Twitter and Facebook) co-hosted by Christmas Ape. It’s an above-average effort. 89 Minutes.
Hines Ward: I am no berieve peeper say that numbell one smaltest leceivel arso numbell one dilty prayer.
Clazy! This not having sense. Evelytime, I am making pray extla crean. No othel prayer in reague make pray as crean as I make pray. Give smirre upon compretion of selvice. You see and think to youlserf, “Wow nevel have a seen so crean a pray. I courd eat dinnel light off this pray.”
So why othel footbarr prayer make vote for me be numbell one diltbarr? Jearousy is most rikery the leason. They rook and see they-ul pray not as crean as Hines Wald pray. Say to themserves, “HE IS THINK HE IS SO CREAN! I AM SHOWING HINES WALD BY VOTE HIM DILTY MAN!”
Werr, I am vote 11.6 pelcent of the reague as the most jearous 11.6 percent of the NFR. HOW DOES THAT FEER? TWO CAN PRAY THE ANG-LEE VOTE GAME!
[Door marked "Push" is pulled for two minutes, then flies open]
Ben Roethlisberger: HI HINES
THE BEN IS HELLA STOKED FOR NEW CALL OF DUTY NEXT WEEK! THIS TIME THE WARFARE IS MODERN FOR THE SECOND TIME! I’M GONNA PEW THEN PWN THEN PEW THEN MAYBE UNLEASH KNIFE PWNAGE! BUT IN MODERN STYLE!
WAIT – THAT’S NOT A STOKED FACE! WHY HINES HAS A SAD?
Hines Ward: Rongrastname, rook at rist of dilty prayer foll this yeal. Who you am seeing at top?
Ben Roethlisberger: THAT’S YOU! YOU WIN!
Hines Ward: No, you am not undelstand. Is bad rist! Is not rist you want to be on! Is rist that say to wolrd – this man is dilty man. He shamefurr with dilt! No ret him mally youl daughtel.
Ben Roethlisberger: UH OH
Hines Ward: What?
Ben Roethlisberger: BEN SCREW POOCH
Hines Ward: What you do?
Ben Roethlisberger: I THINK THE BEN VOTED FOR YOU ON THE BAD LIST. SEE, THE MAN ASK THE BEN TO VOTE FOR DIRTY GUY. AND I ‘MEMBERS THIS ONE TIME I SAW YOU DIVE FOR THROW AND GET UP COVERED IN THE ICK. HINES IS A DIRTY GUY! I VOTE FOR HINES!
Hines Ward: I am hoping you not expecting brockers on colnel britz when we pray the Bloncos.
Ben Roethlisberger: DOES THIS MEAN YOU’RE MAD?
Yesterday’s LOLNFL featured one particularly delightful picture of Andy Reid on the receiving end of a celebratory bump from second-year wide receiver DeSean Jackson. A reader (who goes by Pfah) immediately recognized the image’s potential as Photoshop fodder and got to work on the beauty you see above. With that in mind, we’ve decided to issue a challenge to the readership in the form of a Photoshop contest. We’ll be accepting submissions between now and Friday, so get to work altering the original image (posted after the jump) if you’re so inclined. Needless to say, Pfah’s O-Face image is the leader in the clubhouse.
I know, I know… I’m as surprised as any of you, but yet here we are. What a crazy old world. Ginn became the first player in league history to score two 100+ yard touchdowns of any type in a game. And hoo boy, is he fast. Watch…
We get a lot of requests every week to do FJM-style breakdowns of Bill Simmons’ columns. We largely avoid this because A) Peter King is more fun to poke fun at, B) It takes about seven seconds before Simmons trolls pop into the post and tell you what a HATURRRRRR you are, C) We have Tommy from Quinzee around to serve as proxy for all our Simmons mocking.
So usually we resist. But Holy God, did you SEE this column? Sweet buttermilk titties, it’s terrible. It’s awful. It’s the smuggest smug that’s ever smugged. And it deserves your unbridled scorn in full. Let’s begin…
Jon Gruden exemplified MAXIMUM DENSITY during his performance in the booth tonight. THIS GUY – he’s an outstanding proliferator of FOOTBALL PLATITUDES. First, he started in by saying that Drew Brees is “The Surgeon.” Much like Peyton Manning, another OUTSTANDING FOOTBALL PLAYER, is “The Sheriff.”
Don’t worry, fans. There was more. Mike Bell was “The Hammer.” Every tight end on the field was a “joker.” To drive the point home, Gruden donned a Batman Joker mask from the movie The Dark Knight. He leads Gotham City in malevolence. THIS GUY – HE GETS VISUAL AIDS! HE’S GOT PROP DISCIPLINE!
Did you see Roddy White cup the tits of a Saints defensive back on his touchdown grab? THAT IS OUTSTANDING REACHAROUND ABILITY, ESPECIALLY IN THE WAKE OF THE NFL’S CAMPAIGN DEALING WITH BREAST CANCER AWARENESS! You just can’t coach that. This guy – he really gets all up in there, inspecting for cancerous lumps. I’M GONNA CALL HIM “THE INSPECTOR.” If I were a cancerous growth, I’d want to stay away from this guy. He’s gonna sniff me out with extreme promptitude.
Did you see this guy sky for an interception? Brent Grimes is “The Levitator.” In all my years in the league, I’ve never seen one guy get up in the air like that guy just did. It’s like he attached a jet pack to his backside and took off. I tell you, I’m stimulated by what just happened on that play. Let me straddle my stool a little wider. You got the camera on that, camera guy? Good. I think you got a real future in camera work. I’m gonna call you “The Focuser.”
Curse these likable Saints!
You know how I know that New Orleans won’t win the Super Bowl this year? Because it would be way too acceptable to the average viewer. Of all the teams that could possibly contend for a title this year, the Saints are the only one (OTHER THAN MAH STILLERS, A-COURSE!) that I would be perfectly content with them getting a championship.
And the likable team never wins titles. NEVER! Sure, on occasion the MORE likable team will win a Super Bowl (viz. SB XLII) but never an entirely likable one.
Look at ‘em, likable little bastards. Breesus leads the league in likability and skipping passes on water. Even with Jeremy Shockey on the roster, I have a hard time hating them (no small feat). Even knowing a Saints title would force more Archie Manning on my television, I can’t say I would be all that troubled by the overall prospect of it happening. I’ve never had a bad experience with a Saints fan. I mean, I’m sure they’re all raging Cajun dickholes when they get in LSU mode, but for whatever reason, when they don the Saints gear they become halfway tolerable, which is the highest compliment I can pay a fan of a franchise other than my own. Most importantly, of course, the Saints have never won dick, so it’s not like their fans could get all that cocky afterward.
And that’s why the Saints are doomed. DOOMED, I SAY!
