I have a new goal in life: get it on in this horizontal shower (thanks to Drew for sharing the link). All the hot water action of shower sex without the gymnastics or single-nozzle issues. Sign me up.

As for this week’s mailbag, some of the subjects are: Peyton Manning, transitioning to a keeper league, meeting girls in your teens, casual sex in your 20s, the amygdala, and an email so eminently douchey that I suspect it was written by Tom Brady: Troll Genius. Read on for more.

Hey Caveman,
With fantasy football (and unfortunately now real football) on ice–can you opine for a bit on Peyton Manning’s future? I know you probably don’t like to talk about what every other puppet is yapping about, but as a Dolphins fan, I’m really praying we start next season with something resembling a professional quarterback. I have no idea the medical odds of Manning ever playing again, let alone us getting him, but I need something to cling to. Surely you know what that’s like.

Manning’s done in Indy. This isn’t some huge revelation, as the Colts owe Manning a $28 million option next month, which is about three to six months before anyone will know if the nerves in his throwing arm will regenerate to the point where he can throw again.

So what’s gonna happen? Welcome to the subject of every “Around the Horn” and “PTI” for the next six months. There are, what? Ten, maybe 12 reliably good quarterbacks in the NFL? At any given moment, two-thirds of NFL teams would benefit from one of the best quarterbacks in history. “IF” — I can already hear Mike Wilbon interjecting — “if he gets healthy, Tony.” So yeah. Get used to hearing uninformed speculation.

The Dolphins are a chic prediction right now, and Redskins fans are already clamoring for him, although if I were Manning I’d want to play for a team that had decent receivers. Drew’s certain that he’s headed to the Jets, and it would certainly be an interesting story line to have both Mannings playing in the Meadowlands. Hell, I’d be cool with ol’ Fetushead playing for Seattle, but it’ll never happen because my team is dogshit.

(I wrote all this last night, and today SB Nation has an article about this very subject. Enjoy.)

Secondly, just got out of a couple month thing, never got too serious so everyone’s OK. I’m patient, willing to wait until I meet someone I like, so I’m in no rush. That said, I’d still like some occasional company, where no one’s got expectations and it can either be friendly and flirty but no more, or a “let’s get drunk and see what happens” thing. In college, I had a few friends who fit the bill–everyone does, the person you booty call even though you haven’t seen them in months. But since leaving school, I find myself trying to be more “adult”, and one of the things that seems to mean to me is not booty calling someone you dated in the past. Thus, I have my exes, and my friends, but I don’t hook up with my exes because I think that’s childish to even try for some reason, and I don’t hook up with my friends because, well, we’re not interested in each other. Is that just part of growing up, or am I deluding myself and everyone in their late 20′s still does the same shit they did in college? Is there anyway to get the random hookup without having to hit on drunk girls at a shitty bar?
-Not Into Craigslist Either

To answer your question, I looked back on my late 20s, and I seem to remember having sex at reasonable intervals even though I wasn’t out at bars trying to pick girls up. In fact, going out to the bars with the specific intention of trying to pick up girls NEVER worked, regardless of my age. Part of that is because I don’t really like talking to strangers, but the bigger reason is that I was out TRYING to pick up girls. Women know when that’s why you’re out, and it turns them off. They can smell your desperation. I think back to the handful of occasions since college when I picked up a girl at a bar, and every time I was just having a fun night with friends and not trying to get laid. Catch-22, man.

ANYWAY, your late 20s: just meet people and date casually. I never called up an ex-girlfriend for sex because (a) they were usually living with their new boyfriend a few months after our breakup and (b) I should really have a second reason here. Nevertheless, I feel that by your late 20s, you should have an infrastructure in place to get laid if you want to. Maybe it’s an old high school crush you reconnected with over Facebook who’s in town for the weekend, maybe it’s a cute friend of a mutual friend you met at a party last week, maybe it’s someone you went out with two months ago but didn’t follow up with. These are the seeds of getting laid, and you water them not with a late-night booty call, but with a friendly text/email/phone call with sufficient lead time that tells them you’d like to spend some time with them over dinner. Then you split a bottle of wine and have her sit on your face. Who says romance is dead?

**********

Passionate Shoguns of the Hershey Highway,
I wrote in to the mailbag once before about an unattractive girl who wanted to fuck me, but whom I didn’t like. You gave me good advice (which I tried to take, but failed), so I thought I’d ask another.

I recall this one. While I was supportive of getting that first sexual encounter out of the way, I was lukewarm about you diving into bed with someone who repulsed you. If I recall correctly, the commenters disagreed and said you should just punch that V-card, bro.

So I told the girl no back then, and eventually ended up not speaking to her for about 3 months. One night three weeks ago, after a night of drinking and smoking with my buddies, she calls me out of the blue. She asks me to come over, so I do. One thing led to another, and I end up fucking her. Even though I didn’t finish, it still counts, right? Can I proudly proclaim I’m no longer a virgin? Someone once told me if you don’t finish, it doesn’t count.

That person probably has a subscription to Maxim.

Is that an accepted law, or just some bullshit? Would your opinion change if I told you I didn’t use a condom? I know these are probably some stupid questions, but I figured I’d ask anyway.

You are no longer a virgin. Penis into vagina = sex. Although you did miss out on the best part, probably because of the weed and booze and not being attracted to the person you were having sex with. Also, because I can never say this enough: USE A CONDOM, IDIOT.

Fast-forward to now. She says I was great apparently (and improbably. She must have had a run of incredibly shitty partners) and wants to make casual sex between us a regular thing. She wants it so much in fact, that she’s willing to let me name the terms of the agreement in full. While I’m not attracted to her, I could probably make use of more experience, and any pussy is better than a sock, right?

I used to think that was true until I had the worst sex of my life (back in my late 20s, of course). She just laid there like a corpse, or someone roofied by a lacrosse player. My hand is a much more considerate and caring lover.

It may be silly, but I kinda feel like I owe it to all men to see this through. I mean, how often does any girl agree to be your fuck buddy on your terms? Of course, it will involve me getting liquored up each time since I don’t find her attractive, but I could manage. The bad news is that I know for a fact she likes me and wanted (probably still wants) me to be her boyfriend, an idea that I’ve shot down repeatedly but she still seems hangs on to, and having sex with her regularly probably isn’t going to dissuade her. It may make her like me more, which in turn will make her (more) clingy and possessive. Do you think should I do it?

If you think I should, I would love to hear and conditions you (and/or the kommentariat) think I should put in place.

Thanks again,
Robert B, a new man

Over the last couple years of writing this mailbag, I’ve seen a recurring opinion in the comments section where someone says, “If you took the time to just read what you wrote, you’d know the right answer.” And I feel that’s the case here. The intelligent, considerate part of you recognizes that this girl likes you so much and has so little self-esteem that she’ll give you no-strings sex on the minuscule chance that it tricks you into being her boyfriend. You recognize that this is a horrible idea, but your balls are like, “AWWWW YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHH PUSSY!”

It’s incredibly difficult to make sensible decisions when you’re a young man. Your body is awash with hormones, and much of what you do is driven by what’s called your “lizard brain.” On Wikipedia — and, I presume, in credible medical journals — this part of your brain is called the amygdala. No need to click on that link and do any reading: all you need to know is that it’s a primitive nerve center that is hungry, scared, selfish, and horny. It really only cares about eating and fucking — not necessarily in that order.

And the lizard brain never goes away. My body isn’t as riddled with testosterone as it was when I hit puberty at age 23, but the horrible, primal urges are still there. I’m madly in love with and wholly devoted to my fiancee, but I still imagine doing filthy things with strangers because my lizard brain wants me to spread my seed around.

Long story short: getting laid is great, but getting laid from someone you like is a lot better. If this unattractive girl is so smitten with you, then there’s probably someone else — someone you’re actually attracted to — who’s also willing to get naked with you.

**********

Cap’n,
Fantasy: Any advice on convincing a league to go to a keeper system? My league has been going for about 5 years now, with a relatively stable group of members. Plenty of shit-talking, back room deals, and 40 response long email chains about how whether someone’s trade was illegal or just immoral – in short, exactly what a league should be. So why change a good thing? Keepers to me seem like a good added piece of strategy, plus something to keep up a bit of interaction in the off-season, since the members are spread across the country. Your thoughts?

Keeper leagues, like any crippling addiction, have to be introduced to users gradually. First of all, you have to introduce it a year out — you can’t just be like, “Okay, let’s do a keeper league and you get to keep two guys you drafted last year.” You have to be like, “Okay, in 2013 you get to keep one guy from Rounds 2 through 8, and one guy from Rounds 9 through 15.” I especially like that format for introducing a league to keepers for a couple reasons:

1. Because one keeper comes from the later rounds of the draft, people stay more engaged throughout the entirety of the draft than they otherwise would be.
2. By eliminating first-round draft picks (which don’t change too dramatically from year to year) from keeper contention, the first round of the draft still has the same amount of drama as non-keeper leagues.
3. Two keepers won’t completely shake things up. If people drag their feet, you can say, “Hey, let’s try it for a year, and if we don’t like it we’ll scrap it.” They’ll like it. Oh, they’ll like it real good.

Sex: I got out of a long-term thing back in August, and have been using the time since then taking your advice about bettering myself. I have lost some weight, met a bunch of new people, gotten my first real, adult job, and have all-around been just working on becoming a better person. One of those people I have met in the last few weeks is a woman who I am interested in. We have been getting to know each other at social events, spending a lot of time in groups of friends, but not getting a chance to hang out one on one yet. I was hoping to change that last night. We met up at one of our regular bars, (unfortunately) ran in to some friends of ours that happened to be there, and proceeded to be in yet another group for the remainder of the night.

When I was in the Marines, dickhead officers would always break out this alliterative tsk-tsk: “Piss-poor planning prevents proper performance.” Which is to say: maybe if you’d taken her to dinner or a movie instead of meeting at the same bar where you always hang out with your mutual friends, you wouldn’t have run into your mutual friends.

However, as part of that group setting, she and I talked for most of the night. I’d like to think I was charming, debonair, some other good adjective. Things seemed to be going well. At the end of the night I was planning on walking her back to her car and seeing if we could arrange more of a formal date. However, before we left the bar, she got a call from her step-mom. Her dad just died.

Drag.

Although she said they weren’t particularly close, that obviously ended the night. One of her friends came and picked her up at the bar and she left completely distraught. Obviously I am less concerned about whatever was between us than I am about her emotional well being at this point, but what is the point of anonymous internet advice if not to ask questions that may make us seem like assholes? What do I do in this situation to be there if she needs me, but not turn in to the friend that was there for her when her father died, who has no chance of being more than that?
Thanks,
Witty Nickname

I think you’re worrying about something that isn’t really a problem. You ever seen High Fidelity? It’s one of my favorite movies of all time, because it deftly shows the development of “young guy acting like a jackass” to “man who commits to a woman he loves.” It also has Jack Black before Jack Black acting like Jack Black was annoying. But I’m getting sidetracked. More immediately relevant to you is that Laura’s dad dies, and she decides to have sex with Rob because “I want to feel something else than this. It’s either that, or I go home and put my hand in the fire. Unless you want to stub cigarettes out on my arm.” And they go with sex, because Rob only has a few cigarettes left, and he’s saving them for later.

Of course, things don’t always work out like they do in the movies, so don’t expect to get laid in the car after the funeral. But this girl is either interested in you, or she isn’t. She’s not going to go from “I like that guy” to “I only like him as a friend because my dad died.” Women can be crazy, but I don’t think their feelings swing quite like that.

**********

Dear internet senseis,
Footbawl- Fuck normal fantasy football at this point. I won my first league thanks to the Randy Moss 23TD show and Kurt Warner reminding everyone he is good at football, but since then I have been competitive in most leagues, but I just has lost the passion.

Reminder: please read your emails before clicking “send.”

As a way to counter this, me and a couple of my friends

“a couple of my friends and I”

want to create a Fantasy League of Suck, so we can be rewarded for inept football. The question is I guess, does any of the normal websites have a way to edit their scoring so it’s a reverse scoring system almost? Or will we have to suck it up and actually make the program and then use some website to host it. Also is it safe to assume that Blaine Gabbert is the early #1 pick?

Why don’t you just keep everything the same, and the winner of the league is whoever has the worst record?

Sex… Ok lack there of: My teenage years have been one steaming pile of shit after the other, culminating in having to go to a residential program for a year to stop me from being crazy. Now, teenage girls clearly didn’t help me gain my sanity back, so I don’t have the best experience. But im all better now (with doctors notes and meds to boot!) and have actually gotten into a few decent colleges to go to in the fall so I realize I am the shit. However I graduated high school while in treatment and I never went to school where I live now, so I really don’t have many friends, and of those, less are wimmins.

Probably a good thing. That way you’re not known as “the guy who went crazy.”

Now I realize I am not going to find true love or some sappy shit like that before college, but I want to at least be able to have a conversation with a woman and not act like a level 7 dumbass in front of her. Any idea on how to meet wimins in a smallish town that are going to be close to my age (18) and not derps. I am open to any advice that you (and those asshat commenters you have, LOOKING AT YOU SMOC AND FEK) have on how to gain some sort of experience on how to meet and deal with females, so I don’t become that one guy who makes every conversation awkward.
Thanks,
Iodine, KSK Poll addict

I’ve tried to purge most of my memories of life before I went to college, but I DO remember meeting girls who didn’t go to my high school when I was a teenager. I had two methods for this: (1) I got a job, and (2) I went to concerts with an outgoing friend. Both of those things are worthwhile endeavors even if you DON’T meet girls, unless the concert you go to is Live’s Throwing Copper tour.

**********

Dear KSK,
Fantasy– My main league does a live snake draft every year, which has been great, but we try to tweak the league a little bit each year to add some flair. This year I’m considering switching to a live auction– have you ever done a live auction before?

No.

I’ve done several online ones, but I’m a little concerned that doing it live could be a disaster, since a) copious amounts of alcohol are always consumed on draft night and b) we won’t have yahoo’s trusty server keeping track of everything for us. Any experience with a live auction and/or any tips on how to keep everything organized and running smoothly?

Why not do a live draft online? Everybody brings a laptop or iPad to someplace with wi-fi (preferably someone’s home, because you are gonna look like DORKS in public), and then you combine the camaraderie of doing it live with the ease of being online?

Sex– Yup, it’s a Valentine’s Day question. I fucking hate Valentine’s Day. I’ve been dating a girl for about a month and a half and everything’s great so far, but I’m concerned about the Valentine’s Day protocol. We aren’t too serious yet– at this point we talk if not every day then close to it and see each other 2-3 times per week. I’m thinking just order a relatively basic flower arrangement and send it to her apartment. Not too grand a gesture, yet good and simple enough to let her know I like where we’re at. Sound good? Any other advice for this most ridiculous of holidays?
Much obliged,
MC

That sounds very nice. I suggest making her dinner, too. Doesn’t have to be anything too over the top fancy or romantic — the gesture alone should be enough to flatter her without setting the bar too high should you still be dating her next year.

**********

Dear Libido Liaisons,
Football: I’m in a pretty serious auction draft league with a $200 budget. I can keep 2 keepers. One no-brainer is to keep my $1 free agent pickup Cam Newton, the other is the question… The options are: Demarious Thomas for $1, DeMarco Murray for $1, Jordy Nelson for $1, Jamaal Charles for $56, or the one I’m leaning towards, Jimmy Graham for $1. Obviously Charles is coming off ACL surgery and has a high price-tag, so there’s 2 red-flags, DeMarco showed flashes of being great, but murdered his ankle, Jordy Nelson had a great year, but who the fuck knows with WR’s year to year, and Jimmy Graham was awesome — but he’s a TE. I guess I can eliminate Demarious Thomas, cuz ya know, he has Dickface throwing him the ball. What the fuck do I do?

Jimmy Graham. I shouldn’t need to spell this out, but when you have a guy who puts up receiver numbers at the tight end position, you have a distinct advantage over almost everyone else in the league. Over the last few years, only Antonio Gates, Dallas Clark, and Jason Witten put up reliably solid numbers from that position, and each had his shortcomings (Gates has his foot injury, Clark is worthless without Manning, Witten faded with a better WR corps). This year, it became apparent that Rob Gronkowski and Jimmy Graham were light years better than anyone else at their position, and fuck me for not snagging one of these guys in a keeper league.

Sex: I am 26, but I look (and act) young. My girlfriend is 20. We’ve been dating since July. We have an awesome relationship (retarded right?). She’s not completely stupid like most 20 year olds, and all her friends love me. She loves anal, watching porn with me, shower sex, random blowies, road head, blowing it in her face, oiled-up massage sex, sex in bathrooms at parties, I DP her with her vibrator, spanking, dirty talk, sex at sporting events, Christ, we even snuck into an alley on her birthday and we fucked — ROMANCE! — shrimp soup, shrimp sandwich, coconut shrimp, you get the idea…

I actually got the idea after the first three or four explicit descriptions of depraved sex acts. Everything else made it sound like your girlfriend loves anal because your penis is so tiny.

So yeah, sex life is phenomenal. She “lets” me go on weekends with “the guys” and doesn’t complain, (I’ll try and stop using quotes, I swear) watch football all day, get drunk, I’ve even taught her the intricacies of gambling on sports. She asked me to “put $20 down on a 3-bet tease where the Pats win” — Yes, I’m a Patriots fan, but not an asshole –

Oh, I’m sure.

Like, whose girlfriend embraces their gambling? Like I said, all this shit is great, but honestly, I’m out of shit to do. We go to dinner (I always pay), we have lots of sex, I get her off multiple times, cuz she fucking deserves it, but I honestly don’t know how to keep this girl entertained without my penis inside her.

/rubs temples

/heavy sigh

Well, the comments section should be lively after this. You are either a master douchebag or an expert troll.

She’s said recently that we “don’t do anything” (fuck, sorry). We’re lame and watch our Netflix TV shows and Hulu and all that shit, but I can’t take this girl to any bars or clubs or anything of the like, because she’s not 21 yet. What in the fuck does a 26 year old guy do with his 20 year old girlfriend? We live in Boston (fuck me, right?) and there’s gotta be shit for a 20 year old to do right? RIGHT?? I’m out of ideas, how do I entertain this girl with shit that I might possibly want to do too?

-Lucky Asshole

p.s. I’m not fucking rich.

Get her a donkey. Seems like she might be up for it.

Seriously, though, Boston gets a bad rap because its sports fans are such notorious assholes, but the city itself is fantastic. I was going to write up a list of all the cool things you can do in Boston — I was there in October and went for a great bike ride on the Charles — but then you had to go and send this follow-up email:

I might have to go to an aquarium on Saturday if you don’t help me out — please god, no aquarium…

And that’s when it became clear that you DON’T want ideas for things to do in Boston. You wanted to brag about all the filthy sex you have with your girlfriend, and then complain that you can’t take her to bars because she’s 20. So fuck you. Aquariums are awesome.

It’s only took a decade or so, but repeated disappointment finally tempered the mania and inflated expectations of many D.C. fans whenever Daniel Snyder gasses up the jet and goes hunting for faded big-name free agents. Still, you can always count on some to fall into the Offseason Champs trap. When it does happen, it is glorious. It’s my favorite thing about Washington aside from the stark class and race divide. WaPo’s Sally Jenkins, usually a sound writer, has done just that with Ol’ Battleship Manning. She might be trolling, and that’s fine. She might be serious, and that would be even better.

Do it. Get him. Whatever must be done, however much the Redskins have to pay or promise to bring Peyton Manning to Washington, they should offer it.

If you can mortgage your future to bring a likely nerve damaged soon-to-be 36-year-old quarterback to a rebuilding franchise, you do it. Pop the bubbly, DMV!

This is one instance in which Dan Snyder needs to be the Dan Snyder we used to know, the check-writer with a signature on the bottom flashier than a fountain.

Woah woah woah. What’s this “used to” stuff? Because it’s been three whole years since the last catastrophic free agent signing?

This isn’t some impulsive grab at a big-name jersey. Manning has absolutely nothing in common with the fat and happy Redskins free agent disasters of the past.

He’s the gaunt and forlorn disaster of the future! Whereas others were content to take big money and fail, Peyton will be super pissed about it and that means something, ITHINKMAYBE.

We are talking about a player who, even if his 36-year-old arm is weakened, will instantly elevate the team, franchise and by extension the entire city with his competitive character.

His arm is weak but his competitive character will make transform D.C. into a cloud city with Billy Dee Williams as mayor. Congress will instantly grant D.C. voting rights, because who doesn’t want to hear from Competition Cloud City?

Manning is well worth the biggest gamble in franchise history. According to doctors, he is healed from neck surgery, and there is every indication he can regain his arm strength.

And that’s why Peyton’s had multiple surgeries, because all the other ones went perfectly and he wanted to be extra perfect. He’s that competitive!

The Redskins indeed need to “draft one of their own” at some point. But the stern reality is that their draft choice may not pan out, and it could take more than one draftee before they find their future.

“Draft picks are tooooo risky! Old busted quarterbacks like Donovan McNabb and Peyton Manning are a stone-cold lock!”

As Redskins Coach Mike Shanahan has said repeatedly in the past year about his failed hunt for a field leader, which led from the sluggish McNabb to the mulish Rex Grossman

I’ll interpret that as a commentary on his size.

“These guys don’t drop off trees.”

If they did, Snyder might not have destroyed all those trees blocking his view of the Potomac

/Dave McKenna burns

The greats are rare, and within that category Manning is even rarer, a once-in-a-generation opportunity. He’s the record holder for league MVP awards with four, the single most accomplished, highest-quality free agent ever to hit the open market.

Since the Seahawks signed Jerry Rice.

This is no Dana Stubblefield, or Deion Sanders, or Jeff George. This is a player so exacting and intelligent and impactful that it’s hard to measure the uplift he gives a franchise.

Coming soon: the District of Upliftville!

A couple of years ago I asked Jimmy Johnson what he saw as the biggest problem holding the Redskins back.

“Lack of ExtenZe.”

Why, I asked, were they locked in such a decade-long stasis, why was it that no matter how many coaching changes, and no matter how many times they remade the roster, they still fought to be an 8-8 team. He answered without hesitation, “Quarterback play.”

Sally must have beat a retreat before Jimmy could add “line play, receiver play, lack of pass rush, secondary play, special teams play, coaching, front office mismanagement and possible gypsy curse.”

I’ve heard all the arguments against making Manning a Redskin — they can’t protect him, they don’t have enough big targets for him — and they are nonsense. Manning’s line was plenty iffy in Indianapolis the last couple of years, and just look what he did behind it.

F*ck up his neck?

The pitch to Manning should be: come lay down a cornerstone and be part of returning the Redskins to greatness. There is no better or more appreciative city in which to be champion, none.

They’ll name a burger after you at BGR!

There’s one more thing the Redskins can offer. They have an owner who has shown a willingness to open his wallet when needed, who is not afraid of spending money to buy excitement. It’s finally time to use that to their advantage.

Oh, good idea. Why didn’t anyone ever think to make their biggest liability a strength?

Son, do you know why I pulled you over?

I observed you going through a post-Super Bowl loss period experiencing little to no sign of outward remorse or crushing sadness. One might even go as far as to say you displayed borderline joyous behavior.

These are serious charges, son. As serious as losing a Super Bowl. When I see you prancing about all willy-nilly like it don’t mean nothing, you force my hand. I’m taking you in.

But first, we gonna have us a little chat. Now, they let you play this game so I know at one point somebody sat you down and told you what’s what. In the off-chance you forgot, allow me to refresh:

The game is life. This game is more than life. Life has plenty of rules so you know the game has even more. The game has so many, I don’t even know most of ‘em. But I do know first and foremost it’s serious business and everything hinges on wins and losses. I’ve ruined men’s health and livelihoods and not given it second thought. But failing at the game? That what haunts me. I lost Super Bowls and turned to alcohol and hard drugs to keep my mind from thinking on it. Turns out those substances don’t mix well with HGH. It resulted in a few assault charges that I’m trying to keep on the low, but the experience as a whole made me a stronger man because I learned to confront my grief head-on, like a defenseless receiver.

I knocked the piss out of my grief. And I let every one know I did it. I didn’t just do it because it’s the law; it’s the right thing to do. People were grateful because they felt right to view the game as a serious business because I did too. They see you not torn up about it, what are they supposed to think? That it doesn’t really matter? Can’t be having that.

We’re gonna take a little ride down the station. I’m gonna let you clear your head in the grief tank and by tomorrow you’ll be carrying on like your loved ones were cut down before their time. Sorry about them, by the way. HGH… [Shrugs]

FACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!

Has they-ahhh evah been a more-ah tortchahhhhed fanbase than the LEGENDARY FANS OF BAWBBY V NATION?!

(dips)

I had a bad feeling about this game! WE AWLL DID! When you ahhh a Bawston fan, you can spawt trouble comin’ round the cornah! Like when a pack of Rawxbury dahhhkies comes sweeping into town because it’s payday and they need to buy Keno tickets! WE CAN SMELL THEM COMING A MILE AWAY, BECAUSE DAHKIES SMELL LIKE CHICKEN AND PISS.

(visits Hoosiers gym because he loves white people)

THAT is why we didn’t travel to Indy for-ah this Supah Bowl! We KNEW that something wasn’t quite right, and that’s why we were-ah smahhht enough to stay away! No fanbase has evahhhh dreaded a game like this one, nawt since we had to beat back that cunty Tebow! I have lettahs to prove it! NAME ME ONE OTHAH FANBASE THAT CAN SENSE A LEVEL XXVIII(B) CAWKPUNCH GAME LIKE THAT! I am a hahhhdened veteran at this! I am bettah at taking lawsses than any othah sparts fan, even if that intentional grounding call was faggot shit! I AM BETTAH AT MANY THINGS THAN YOU, INCLDING TRIVIA, EDDIE MURPHY’S MOVIES, AND LOSING GAMES.

(also better than you at writing angry 1,000-word missives to editors in the dead of night)

Do you know what it’s like to experience missing out on a Fahhhhhth Supah Bowl becawse of some bullshit David Tyree catch, and then to experience the same thing five year-ahs latah? YOU DO NAWT. Don’t bawthah trying to tell me you do. STAWP. JUST STAWP. Fahhh Dunkin’ Donuts Nation to go out like this – to a hated bunch of fags from New Yark! – is the cruelest blow of all! THE FIRST THREE SUPAH BOWLS MEAN NOTHING NOW!

(stalks around on street corner wearing oversized Bruins jersey)

And Brady? Brady is NAWT ONE OF US. You see, we BAWSTON people stick close to our own! We ahhh born here, and then we go to school in Greenwich, and then we move to LA, and then maybe we die here-ahhhhh! WE’RE JUST THAT LOYAL. No othah town is like this! So when Brady is hangin’ out in Santa Bahhhhbahhhhara and fackin’ some undawcumented non-Mass resident, we get suspicious! WE KNOW SHIT IS FACKED! Tawm Brady is gawnna have to win us ovah again! Don’t tell me that wasn’t a shitty pass to Welkah! WELKAH CATCHES THAT BALL 150 TIMES OUT OF 100! I blame Glamour-ah Boy Brady fahhh fahhhgetting his roots! And I blame Bernahhhhd Pawllahhd! WE AHHH THE ONLY CITY THAT HAS HAD OW-AH PLAYERS HURT BY ANOTHAH PLAYAH!

(pisses on nearby lamp post)

I fackin’ hate awll of you right now! It’s a good thing I’m so good at accepting hahhhtbreak! I’m gawnna go fack an Indian chick and slap the dawt off of her head! WE NOW ONLY HAVE ONE MAJAH SPARTS TITLE AND THAT IS A CURSE! Even if we had won, we know that it wouldn’t have been prawpah revenge for Super Bowl Farty Two! NO ONE DENIES THIS! BAWSTON WAS IN A LOSE-LOSE SITUATION! You can’t pawssibly get that! I FEEL THE GHOSTS AND THEY SMELL LIKE OLD PUSSY!

Our excitement over the fallout from the Super Bowl has plateaued, with the only items of note today being Brandon Jacobs telling Gisele to shut up, Kurt Warner stoking tedious “Is Eli a Hall of Famer yet?” discussions and Greg Jones’ mom appearing less than thrilled about her son’s on-field proposal to this white woman. While we wait a few days before the Bucs decide to already fire Greg Schiano, we’re left to make more fun of our own, preferably at the expense of our favorite anti-football poetry enthusiast, Peter King. Watching Super Bowl postgame interviews, I noticed PK shoehorning himself in the camera shot like an everyday me-first GLORY BOY. At first, I wasn’t sure why I found the image funny, but then we realized that his bewildered expression lent itself well to Photoshops, and that was all the inspiration we needed. Laughable face, PK has it.

‘Shops after the jump. As always, you’re encouraged to add your own in the comments, whether you be an Elite 15er or not.

“Um, Brett, your dog took my seat again.”

“Those nuggets are coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE”

“One triple hazlelofty nugmet memeacchino, pronto, or Seattle will hear of this!”

[NFL Ministry of Culture]

Sentry: Authorized visitor in Sector 23819. Open cell!

Guard: Opening cell!

[Cell door opens, pained groans emanate from within]

Roger Goodell: Are we awake?

M.I.A.: Uggghhhh… where am I?

Goodell: I’ll ask the questions.

M.I.A.: This is bullsh*t. You can’t hold me. I have rights. People will find out about this. They’ll -

Goodell: Subdue the prisoner.

[Guard chokes her with NFL-branded nightstick]

Goodell: I can do as I please. Tell me, Ms. – ahem – Arulpragasam, is it? How was a performer of your artistic integrity or relevance able to gain entry to the most important and tightly controlled entertainment spectacle in the world?

M.I.A.: Madonna invited me.

Goodell: Liar.

M.I.A.: She did. Ask her.

Goodell: LISTEN, I WILL BULLDOZE SRI LANKA RIGHT NOW. YOUR HOMELAND WILL BE A PERMANENT PRO BOWL SITE IF YOU DON’T GIVE ME THE ANSWERS I WANT.

M.I.A.: Fine. Me said me was Jessie J.

Goodell: And they believed you?

M.I.A.: ‘Course. No one actually knows what Jessie J. looks like.

Goodell: Hmm. Clever girl. I’ll give you that much. Such a waste of potential.

M.I.A.: What are you going to do with me?

Goodell: All in due time. First, I must know: what did you hope to achieve through your vulgar display of terrorist agitprop?

M.I.A.: Me was, like, making a message about the neo-imperialist dogma that permeates the kult-cha.

Goodell: Neo-imperialist dogma. I see.

M.I.A.: It’s somefing you could never understand.

Goodell: I suppose that’s true. Immaterial, but true. For, you see, it is not my job to understand. Rather, it is I who must make you understand.

M.I.A.: Understand what?

Goodell: THE FCC DOESN’T LIKE BAD WORDS, NAUGHTY GESTURES AND EXPOSED NIPPLES! IT’S THE ONE THING THAT CAN STOP TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION AND SYNERGISTIC BRANDING OPPORTUNITIES

M.I.A.: I don’t care.

Goodell: Oh, but you will. SEND HER IN!

Selena Gomez: Sup grrrl. U look maaaaddd kewt!

M.I.A: OH NO

Selena Gomez: I’m in luvs and it’s like a luv song.

Goodell: Once you have succumbed to her mental programming, you will become pliant to our every suggestion. You will apologize for ever sullying the Super Bowl Halftime Show. You will hawk Pepsi on every inch of your body. You and J.Lo will sell Fiats until the day your children die. You’ll put out an critically acclaimed album about the 18-game season. YOU WILL CONVINCE BRITISH PEOPLE TO CANCEL THE OLYMPICS AND PROCEED WITH ORGANIZING A LONDON SUPER BOWL.

Selena Gomez: And I keep hitting re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat

M.I.A.: MUST RESIST

Selena Gomez: Re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat DISSSSSNEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYY

- The new sensation sweeping Troll Nation: Bradying, which involves people adopting Tom Brady’s sullen pose of defeat from the Super Bowl. Busted Coverage already has some submissions from readers. I prefer @matt_T‘s approach (above) of just Photoshopping him into existing memes and funny situations, but that’s me.

- Of course, there can be no Bradying without its more pious and less fun cultural ancestor, Tebowing. A Colorado family made a gigantic Tebowing snowman, which, if there were a just God, would spring to life and crush them for worshiping false idols.

-A woman interviewed at the Giants victory parade said the Giants player she was most looking forward to seeing was “SANCHEZZZZZZ!” It’s funny because Mark Sanchez doesn’t play for the Giants and whatever team Mark Sanchez plays for isn’t gonna have a Super Bowl parade on account of having Mark Sanchez. Also, as an adult, she’s probably too old for Sanchez anyway.

- Steve Weatherford was also playing a drum during the parade, because as we all know from when he brought 100 Shake Weights to Jets training camp during “Hard Knocks” a few years back, Steve Weatherford is one zany punter bro. Perhaps the zaniest. Coming for you, Chris Kluwe!

- Ricky Williams has announced that he’s going to retire to free up time for Ewok Village.

This means Michael Vick and Santonio Holmes will have to fetch a scale to figure out how they’re going to parcel out future “NFL players using marijuana” punchlines. Sam Hurd gets a cut, of course.

- An online pawn company looking for cheap publicity delivered 900 pounds of Butterfingers to Boston’s Copley Square in honor of Wes Welker being all droppy and stuff. More dickish to taunt Welker or not just give them to Vince Wilfork?

- Even though Maria Menounos doesn’t have anything to do with sports, we always have to hear about how she’s a Boston fan. Apparently she made a lost a bet on the Super Bowl and had to wear a Giants bikini, which is whatever, but I enjoy how hard this guy is laughing at her in this photo, so it makes the Klearinghouse.

Images via SI and Yahoo!

If you love lumbering Ivan Drago dance party and insane amounts of audio distortion, I’ve got just the video for you. If only we knew Gronk liked to dance with shirtless guys so much, we’d have recommended he hang out with Vince Young more.

[Holds nose while crediting Barstool]

Disney World? Eli been had Disney World. This time, he’s going for the gusto.

In other “Eli is the little slugger made good” developments:

Oh ho ho! Disarming bit of self-deprecation or calculated remark to draw a prized new endorsement for Eli?

“Slowly maturing. Experiencing weird changes. Uncomfortable in his own skin. Eli Manning is. That’s why he uses the Lil’ Bastard’s First Shaving Kit.”