I have a new goal in life: get it on in this horizontal shower (thanks to Drew for sharing the link). All the hot water action of shower sex without the gymnastics or single-nozzle issues. Sign me up.
As for this week’s mailbag, some of the subjects are: Peyton Manning, transitioning to a keeper league, meeting girls in your teens, casual sex in your 20s, the amygdala, and an email so eminently douchey that I suspect it was written by Tom Brady: Troll Genius. Read on for more.
It’s only took a decade or so, but repeated disappointment finally tempered the mania and inflated expectations of many D.C. fans whenever Daniel Snyder gasses up the jet and goes hunting for faded big-name free agents. Still, you can always count on some to fall into the Offseason Champs trap. When it does happen, it is glorious. It’s my favorite thing about Washington aside from the stark class and race divide. WaPo’s Sally Jenkins, usually a sound writer, has done just that with Ol’ Battleship Manning. She might be trolling, and that’s fine. She might be serious, and that would be even better.
Do it. Get him. Whatever must be done, however much the Redskins have to pay or promise to bring Peyton Manning to Washington, they should offer it.
If you can mortgage your future to bring a likely nerve damaged soon-to-be 36-year-old quarterback to a rebuilding franchise, you do it. Pop the bubbly, DMV!
This is one instance in which Dan Snyder needs to be the Dan Snyder we used to know, the check-writer with a signature on the bottom flashier than a fountain.
Woah woah woah. What’s this “used to” stuff? Because it’s been three whole years since the last catastrophic free agent signing?
This isn’t some impulsive grab at a big-name jersey. Manning has absolutely nothing in common with the fat and happy Redskins free agent disasters of the past.
He’s the gaunt and forlorn disaster of the future! Whereas others were content to take big money and fail, Peyton will be super pissed about it and that means something, ITHINKMAYBE.
We are talking about a player who, even if his 36-year-old arm is weakened, will instantly elevate the team, franchise and by extension the entire city with his competitive character.
His arm is weak but his competitive character will make transform D.C. into a cloud city with Billy Dee Williams as mayor. Congress will instantly grant D.C. voting rights, because who doesn’t want to hear from Competition Cloud City?
Manning is well worth the biggest gamble in franchise history. According to doctors, he is healed from neck surgery, and there is every indication he can regain his arm strength.
And that’s why Peyton’s had multiple surgeries, because all the other ones went perfectly and he wanted to be extra perfect. He’s that competitive!
The Redskins indeed need to “draft one of their own” at some point. But the stern reality is that their draft choice may not pan out, and it could take more than one draftee before they find their future.
“Draft picks are tooooo risky! Old busted quarterbacks like Donovan McNabb and Peyton Manning are a stone-cold lock!”
As Redskins Coach Mike Shanahan has said repeatedly in the past year about his failed hunt for a field leader, which led from the sluggish McNabb to the mulish Rex Grossman
I’ll interpret that as a commentary on his size.
“These guys don’t drop off trees.”
If they did, Snyder might not have destroyed all those trees blocking his view of the Potomac
/Dave McKenna burns
The greats are rare, and within that category Manning is even rarer, a once-in-a-generation opportunity. He’s the record holder for league MVP awards with four, the single most accomplished, highest-quality free agent ever to hit the open market.
Since the Seahawks signed Jerry Rice.
This is no Dana Stubblefield, or Deion Sanders, or Jeff George. This is a player so exacting and intelligent and impactful that it’s hard to measure the uplift he gives a franchise.
Coming soon: the District of Upliftville!
A couple of years ago I asked Jimmy Johnson what he saw as the biggest problem holding the Redskins back.
“Lack of ExtenZe.”
Why, I asked, were they locked in such a decade-long stasis, why was it that no matter how many coaching changes, and no matter how many times they remade the roster, they still fought to be an 8-8 team. He answered without hesitation, “Quarterback play.”
Sally must have beat a retreat before Jimmy could add “line play, receiver play, lack of pass rush, secondary play, special teams play, coaching, front office mismanagement and possible gypsy curse.”
I’ve heard all the arguments against making Manning a Redskin — they can’t protect him, they don’t have enough big targets for him — and they are nonsense. Manning’s line was plenty iffy in Indianapolis the last couple of years, and just look what he did behind it.
F*ck up his neck?
The pitch to Manning should be: come lay down a cornerstone and be part of returning the Redskins to greatness. There is no better or more appreciative city in which to be champion, none.
They’ll name a burger after you at BGR!
There’s one more thing the Redskins can offer. They have an owner who has shown a willingness to open his wallet when needed, who is not afraid of spending money to buy excitement. It’s finally time to use that to their advantage.
Oh, good idea. Why didn’t anyone ever think to make their biggest liability a strength?
Son, do you know why I pulled you over?
I observed you going through a post-Super Bowl loss period experiencing little to no sign of outward remorse or crushing sadness. One might even go as far as to say you displayed borderline joyous behavior.
These are serious charges, son. As serious as losing a Super Bowl. When I see you prancing about all willy-nilly like it don’t mean nothing, you force my hand. I’m taking you in.
But first, we gonna have us a little chat. Now, they let you play this game so I know at one point somebody sat you down and told you what’s what. In the off-chance you forgot, allow me to refresh:
The game is life. This game is more than life. Life has plenty of rules so you know the game has even more. The game has so many, I don’t even know most of ‘em. But I do know first and foremost it’s serious business and everything hinges on wins and losses. I’ve ruined men’s health and livelihoods and not given it second thought. But failing at the game? That what haunts me. I lost Super Bowls and turned to alcohol and hard drugs to keep my mind from thinking on it. Turns out those substances don’t mix well with HGH. It resulted in a few assault charges that I’m trying to keep on the low, but the experience as a whole made me a stronger man because I learned to confront my grief head-on, like a defenseless receiver.
I knocked the piss out of my grief. And I let every one know I did it. I didn’t just do it because it’s the law; it’s the right thing to do. People were grateful because they felt right to view the game as a serious business because I did too. They see you not torn up about it, what are they supposed to think? That it doesn’t really matter? Can’t be having that.
We’re gonna take a little ride down the station. I’m gonna let you clear your head in the grief tank and by tomorrow you’ll be carrying on like your loved ones were cut down before their time. Sorry about them, by the way. HGH… [Shrugs]
FACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!
Has they-ahhh evah been a more-ah tortchahhhhed fanbase than the LEGENDARY FANS OF BAWBBY V NATION?!
(dips)
I had a bad feeling about this game! WE AWLL DID! When you ahhh a Bawston fan, you can spawt trouble comin’ round the cornah! Like when a pack of Rawxbury dahhhkies comes sweeping into town because it’s payday and they need to buy Keno tickets! WE CAN SMELL THEM COMING A MILE AWAY, BECAUSE DAHKIES SMELL LIKE CHICKEN AND PISS.
(visits Hoosiers gym because he loves white people)
THAT is why we didn’t travel to Indy for-ah this Supah Bowl! We KNEW that something wasn’t quite right, and that’s why we were-ah smahhht enough to stay away! No fanbase has evahhhh dreaded a game like this one, nawt since we had to beat back that cunty Tebow! I have lettahs to prove it! NAME ME ONE OTHAH FANBASE THAT CAN SENSE A LEVEL XXVIII(B) CAWKPUNCH GAME LIKE THAT! I am a hahhhdened veteran at this! I am bettah at taking lawsses than any othah sparts fan, even if that intentional grounding call was faggot shit! I AM BETTAH AT MANY THINGS THAN YOU, INCLDING TRIVIA, EDDIE MURPHY’S MOVIES, AND LOSING GAMES.
(also better than you at writing angry 1,000-word missives to editors in the dead of night)
Do you know what it’s like to experience missing out on a Fahhhhhth Supah Bowl becawse of some bullshit David Tyree catch, and then to experience the same thing five year-ahs latah? YOU DO NAWT. Don’t bawthah trying to tell me you do. STAWP. JUST STAWP. Fahhh Dunkin’ Donuts Nation to go out like this – to a hated bunch of fags from New Yark! – is the cruelest blow of all! THE FIRST THREE SUPAH BOWLS MEAN NOTHING NOW!
(stalks around on street corner wearing oversized Bruins jersey)
And Brady? Brady is NAWT ONE OF US. You see, we BAWSTON people stick close to our own! We ahhh born here, and then we go to school in Greenwich, and then we move to LA, and then maybe we die here-ahhhhh! WE’RE JUST THAT LOYAL. No othah town is like this! So when Brady is hangin’ out in Santa Bahhhhbahhhhara and fackin’ some undawcumented non-Mass resident, we get suspicious! WE KNOW SHIT IS FACKED! Tawm Brady is gawnna have to win us ovah again! Don’t tell me that wasn’t a shitty pass to Welkah! WELKAH CATCHES THAT BALL 150 TIMES OUT OF 100! I blame Glamour-ah Boy Brady fahhh fahhhgetting his roots! And I blame Bernahhhhd Pawllahhd! WE AHHH THE ONLY CITY THAT HAS HAD OW-AH PLAYERS HURT BY ANOTHAH PLAYAH!
(pisses on nearby lamp post)
I fackin’ hate awll of you right now! It’s a good thing I’m so good at accepting hahhhtbreak! I’m gawnna go fack an Indian chick and slap the dawt off of her head! WE NOW ONLY HAVE ONE MAJAH SPARTS TITLE AND THAT IS A CURSE! Even if we had won, we know that it wouldn’t have been prawpah revenge for Super Bowl Farty Two! NO ONE DENIES THIS! BAWSTON WAS IN A LOSE-LOSE SITUATION! You can’t pawssibly get that! I FEEL THE GHOSTS AND THEY SMELL LIKE OLD PUSSY!
Our excitement over the fallout from the Super Bowl has plateaued, with the only items of note today being Brandon Jacobs telling Gisele to shut up, Kurt Warner stoking tedious “Is Eli a Hall of Famer yet?” discussions and Greg Jones’ mom appearing less than thrilled about her son’s on-field proposal to this white woman. While we wait a few days before the Bucs decide to already fire Greg Schiano, we’re left to make more fun of our own, preferably at the expense of our favorite anti-football poetry enthusiast, Peter King. Watching Super Bowl postgame interviews, I noticed PK shoehorning himself in the camera shot like an everyday me-first GLORY BOY. At first, I wasn’t sure why I found the image funny, but then we realized that his bewildered expression lent itself well to Photoshops, and that was all the inspiration we needed. Laughable face, PK has it.
‘Shops after the jump. As always, you’re encouraged to add your own in the comments, whether you be an Elite 15er or not.
[NFL Ministry of Culture]
Sentry: Authorized visitor in Sector 23819. Open cell!
Guard: Opening cell!
[Cell door opens, pained groans emanate from within]
Roger Goodell: Are we awake?
M.I.A.: Uggghhhh… where am I?
Goodell: I’ll ask the questions.
M.I.A.: This is bullsh*t. You can’t hold me. I have rights. People will find out about this. They’ll -
Goodell: Subdue the prisoner.
[Guard chokes her with NFL-branded nightstick]
Goodell: I can do as I please. Tell me, Ms. – ahem – Arulpragasam, is it? How was a performer of your artistic integrity or relevance able to gain entry to the most important and tightly controlled entertainment spectacle in the world?
M.I.A.: Madonna invited me.
Goodell: Liar.
M.I.A.: She did. Ask her.
Goodell: LISTEN, I WILL BULLDOZE SRI LANKA RIGHT NOW. YOUR HOMELAND WILL BE A PERMANENT PRO BOWL SITE IF YOU DON’T GIVE ME THE ANSWERS I WANT.
M.I.A.: Fine. Me said me was Jessie J.
Goodell: And they believed you?
M.I.A.: ‘Course. No one actually knows what Jessie J. looks like.
Goodell: Hmm. Clever girl. I’ll give you that much. Such a waste of potential.
M.I.A.: What are you going to do with me?
Goodell: All in due time. First, I must know: what did you hope to achieve through your vulgar display of terrorist agitprop?
M.I.A.: Me was, like, making a message about the neo-imperialist dogma that permeates the kult-cha.
Goodell: Neo-imperialist dogma. I see.
M.I.A.: It’s somefing you could never understand.
Goodell: I suppose that’s true. Immaterial, but true. For, you see, it is not my job to understand. Rather, it is I who must make you understand.
M.I.A.: Understand what?
Goodell: THE FCC DOESN’T LIKE BAD WORDS, NAUGHTY GESTURES AND EXPOSED NIPPLES! IT’S THE ONE THING THAT CAN STOP TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION AND SYNERGISTIC BRANDING OPPORTUNITIES
M.I.A.: I don’t care.
Goodell: Oh, but you will. SEND HER IN!
Selena Gomez: Sup grrrl. U look maaaaddd kewt!
M.I.A: OH NO
Selena Gomez: I’m in luvs and it’s like a luv song.
Goodell: Once you have succumbed to her mental programming, you will become pliant to our every suggestion. You will apologize for ever sullying the Super Bowl Halftime Show. You will hawk Pepsi on every inch of your body. You and J.Lo will sell Fiats until the day your children die. You’ll put out an critically acclaimed album about the 18-game season. YOU WILL CONVINCE BRITISH PEOPLE TO CANCEL THE OLYMPICS AND PROCEED WITH ORGANIZING A LONDON SUPER BOWL.
Selena Gomez: And I keep hitting re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat
M.I.A.: MUST RESIST
Selena Gomez: Re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat DISSSSSNEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYY
- The new sensation sweeping Troll Nation: Bradying, which involves people adopting Tom Brady’s sullen pose of defeat from the Super Bowl. Busted Coverage already has some submissions from readers. I prefer @matt_T‘s approach (above) of just Photoshopping him into existing memes and funny situations, but that’s me.
- Of course, there can be no Bradying without its more pious and less fun cultural ancestor, Tebowing. A Colorado family made a gigantic Tebowing snowman, which, if there were a just God, would spring to life and crush them for worshiping false idols.
-A woman interviewed at the Giants victory parade said the Giants player she was most looking forward to seeing was “SANCHEZZZZZZ!” It’s funny because Mark Sanchez doesn’t play for the Giants and whatever team Mark Sanchez plays for isn’t gonna have a Super Bowl parade on account of having Mark Sanchez. Also, as an adult, she’s probably too old for Sanchez anyway.
- Steve Weatherford was also playing a drum during the parade, because as we all know from when he brought 100 Shake Weights to Jets training camp during “Hard Knocks” a few years back, Steve Weatherford is one zany punter bro. Perhaps the zaniest. Coming for you, Chris Kluwe!
- Ricky Williams has announced that he’s going to retire to free up time for Ewok Village.
This means Michael Vick and Santonio Holmes will have to fetch a scale to figure out how they’re going to parcel out future “NFL players using marijuana” punchlines. Sam Hurd gets a cut, of course.
- An online pawn company looking for cheap publicity delivered 900 pounds of Butterfingers to Boston’s Copley Square in honor of Wes Welker being all droppy and stuff. More dickish to taunt Welker or not just give them to Vince Wilfork?
- Even though Maria Menounos doesn’t have anything to do with sports, we always have to hear about how she’s a Boston fan. Apparently she made a lost a bet on the Super Bowl and had to wear a Giants bikini, which is whatever, but I enjoy how hard this guy is laughing at her in this photo, so it makes the Klearinghouse.
If you love lumbering Ivan Drago dance party and insane amounts of audio distortion, I’ve got just the video for you. If only we knew Gronk liked to dance with shirtless guys so much, we’d have recommended he hang out with Vince Young more.
Disney World? Eli been had Disney World. This time, he’s going for the gusto.
In other “Eli is the little slugger made good” developments:
Oh ho ho! Disarming bit of self-deprecation or calculated remark to draw a prized new endorsement for Eli?
“Slowly maturing. Experiencing weird changes. Uncomfortable in his own skin. Eli Manning is. That’s why he uses the Lil’ Bastard’s First Shaving Kit.”
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