One of the web’s greatest pleasures is wading into public Facebook and local news media postings for football teams that aren’t doing so hot. Inside these poorly moderated halls is where you find the true fans of America, willing to set spelling and anything approaching grammar aside for that one shining overreaction. Each week, we present these social media scholars in ‘____ Fans React Completely Reasonably’, because there is no better institution for intelligent, even-tempered discourse than the internet. The rules are simple: Find an annoyed fan base every week and dig out the bestworst publicly-accessible takes. Feel free to laugh, but know always that your team will be next, because all fans are secretly awful.
One thousand four hundred Facebook comments. That’s how many inane warblings I waded through last night to bring you this fresh batch of soul-crushingly vapid New York Giants #content. I do this for you, internet, because I love you all, and I want you to avoid the awful pitfalls that are so common when keyboards and flaming hot OPINIONS meet. Why the Giants? At first I thought about doing the Cowboys or Browns (Manziel takes!), but if a team loses to Jacksonville AND has that smug East Coast superiority complex, you KNOW that they’re going to be livid. And they were.
Bonus: Everything below is enriched if you read each one in the voice of Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Let’s begin:
BEST CANADIAN GIANTS FAN:
At the heart of an icy, hollowed-out mountain in Nova Scotia, in front of one hundred thousand soldiers of the undead, Dreadlord MacLeod sits on his fetid throne constructed from the corpses of vanquished internet enemies and their forever tortured souls. His eyes, both infinite pools of utter void, gaze through the ether, thousands of miles away, to a stadium in northern Florida. A trifling human game of little consequence plays out before him. His dark and ancient prophesies ring true: one of the humans in robes of white will attempt to deceive the opponent through positional tomfoolery. The Evil One chortles to himself: this misdirection will have no effect this day. He stands up, focuses his moribund will, and the shared voice of a billion screeching banshees fills the minds of all beings within the northern hemisphere:
I͉ ̼̩Ạ͎̻̟̩W̙̥̠AI͕̝̹T̞͓̘̞̰͝ ̼͡OT͎̼̼̯̪͖̕H̖̫͕̺̦͈͙E̢̗̻Ŕ̹Ș͖̰̯̫͔ ̮̘̬TO ͇̲̰̠̻̳̩C̬͟O̻͚̜̱̗M̗̱͓M̥̼̖̹̪͖̲E͍̩̰̖̦͎̮N̗̝͡T̙̞̖̙͉̜̲͢
Blackened tears pour down the wretched skulls of the fallen hordes around him. They begin to pool at the center of a demonic altar, and form the name that shall end the world: JIMBO.
This was in reply to some question 180 comments above it about how the Giants could fix the team next year. I don’t know man. I have no idea how buttermilk solves any of this. Maybe biscuits? Biscuits are delicious.
BEST GRODY-ASS TOILET:
This comment makes me think that our pal Sean here had two options on Sunday: Watch the Giants or clean one (1) toilet. It’s assumed that both of these things couldn’t be done at the same time, or consecutively, because each job takes up all available time. That means Sean needs four hours to clean his toilet. I’m trying to envision how vile a commode must be to require that amount of effort.
BEST COMMENT THAT FORCES YOU TO READ IT CAREFULLY AND PARSE THE DUMB:
Go ahead and try to read this quickly. You’ll be skimming along fine and then suddenly:
you deserve to lose yo bunch more of asshats
At that point, your mind rejects whatever it is that just entered it. Straight into the mental garbage. So you go back like an elementary student and read each word carefully, perhaps using your finger to mark each word as you sound it out aloud. You use the rules of English grammar to guide you. Okay, this sentence is ALMOST “you deserve to lose, you bunch of asshats”, but what’s the ‘more’ supposed to be? Wait, is it supposed to be “you deserve to lose a bunch more, you asshats?”. Maybe? Maybe there was a cut and paste accident? FUFUFUFUFUFUFUFUFUFUFUFUFUFU
BEST…oh seriously? SERIOUSLY. I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH THIS:
HE IS NEVER GOING TO PLAY AGAIN. HE IS BAD AT THE FOOTBALLS. STOP WITH THIS NONSENSE. LET IT DIE.
BEST CONTINUAL PARSING ERRORS:
These are just two examples of just how bad some of the grammar and sentence structure was on Giants Facebook. See, I get it. I’m not the world’s greatest writer, and maybe this is just a lot of angry people typing on phones, but holy GOD it hurts just to plow through these things. It’s not that hard to say simple words to convey an idea. Let the above be a lesson to you, internet. Please at least give an effort.
BEST DEGENERATE GAMBLER:
I’m honestly surprised it took until now for some guy to rant at the team because he lost a bet. That’s probably worse than bitching at them about your fantasy team. Not only that, but Andy the plucky Brit here lost $266 on an abysmal Giants/Jags game, which means he’s probably way, way too far in the hole at this point. Still, hearing “YOU SET OF USELESS TWATS” in a sea of the amazingly dumb proves the point that even awful internet comments are better when read in a British accent.
BEST CLINGING TO THE PAST:
There’s a bunch of these kind of fans in every fanbase. No matter how successful you are, there’s that one asshole who thinks the guy who coached 30 years ago could still do it better now. There’s probably some dickbutt New England fan that still thinks they should have kept Pete Carroll. The best part about his comment is that William doesn’t want the team to play football from 10 years ago, but 80’s football? SURE THING. I BET LT CAN STILL SUIT EM UP.
BEST “I PAY YOUR SALARIES IN AN ABSTRACT WAY SO YOU ARE MY EMPLOYEE”:
oh yes, forced suicide. that’s reasonable. you’re a swell pal, aaron.
So, what you’re saying is that players should be paid and/or fined dependent solely on good football play? Hey! Here’s an idea! What if we worked in BOUNTIES! Oh man, this is a great idea and I’m sure it’s gonna take off throughout the NFL.
BEST BIG DREAMER:
‘So here’s my idea: WE FIRE EVERYONE AND ALL THE GOOD PEOPLE COME TO NEW YORK.’
‘What about salary caps’
‘We don’t have to pay them. They’ll just WANT to play here, like Suh!’
TAKE OF THE WEEK:
I buried my head in my hands for a solid 30 seconds after reading this. I don’t really like the word ‘retarded’, and that’s an entirely separate (but important) issue. That’s not even what annoys me the most. What you see here is people in sixth grade, frozen in time forever. This is a lunchroom in junior high. This is a collection of four human beings just saying the same word at each other over and over without any creativity.
SERIOUSLY? ‘RETARTED’? YOU CAN’T EVEN BE STUPID PROPERLY.
I tweeted this screencap last night because I needed the therapy that sharing provides.
@IAmSpilly that is legit maybe the dumbest exchange I’ve ever read
— Luke Zimmermann (@lukezim) December 2, 2014
I want more like this!
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