Getty and Sarchione Auto Group
Josh Gordon: (Running over to a couple on the sidewalk outside the lot) Hi! Welcome to Sarchione Auto Group! What can I help you find today?
Husband: Oh, we’re not looking for a car.
Wife: We’re just heading to the Dari-DeeLite down the street. It’s pretty hot, I’d like to get an ice cream cone.
Josh Gordon: Walking? All the way to Dari-DeeLite? That’s like a mile away. You need a car. Can’t walk around with an ice cream cone. It’s going to melt in this weather and by the time you get home all you’re going to have is a soggy piece of styrofoam-tasting nothing and sticky shit all over your shoes. Walk to get an ice cream cone, you walk over here and look at a car.
Husband: I actually prefer waffle cones, they hold up okay…
Josh Gordon: WAFFLE CONE?! Well I know what you need. You need a car with force to it. Some crunch! A bone crusher! Man’s man’s car!
Wife: Well, we don’t have much money to spend, what with the economy and all. Jobs just aren’t what they used to be around here.
Josh Gordon: Ma’am, you don’t have to tell me that twice. Why, I’m in a union and I still lost my job. You think I’m going to let the man keep me down though? You think I’m going to let some pinhead in New York City –
Husband: I hate New York! Those goddamn Wall Street types are screwing us all!
Josh Gordon: That’s right, I’m not going to let some pinhead boss-man tell me I can’t work. I’ve got value. I’m here for the people of Ohio. I’m hear for you two who need a car so your damn ice cream cone doesn’t melt coming back from the Dari-DeeLite. We’re proud people, aren’t we sir?
Husband: I haven’t seen a raise in 12 years. Damn straight I’ve got my pride.
Josh Gordon: And your pride means you deserve a car, right?
Husband: I don’t know, I mean maybe, but the cost.
Josh Gordon: I don’t want to hear anything else about cost. See this car? It’s an powerful hunk of steel that reminds us we have our pride, sir! I can get you into this baby for under $12,000.
Wife: Isn’t gas expensive? I just don’t know if we can really afford the gas for a car this big.
Josh Gordon: I got a buddy of mine, Donte’, who is an expert in foreign affairs and national security. Anyway, Stallworth has himself a big job now writing for an online news magazine. I bet if I asked him, he’d say we’re going to blow the shit out of those ISIS dudes and get all the free oil we want. And hey, this is Ohio! We’re also going to push all the oil out of the ground we can and steal some of Pennsylvania’s oil too while we’re at it!
Husband: Well, a four-wheel drive car could help me get a job in one of those new oil fields… You know. Let’s do it. I’ll take her. We’ll both stick it those New Yorkers who keep trying to hold us down.
Josh Gordon: Excellent!
Wife: I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name.
Josh Gordon: I’m Josh Gordon, nice to meet you nice folks.
Husband: I knew you looked familiar! I’ve seen your picture on the wall of Tailgaters just across the street! Did you break the record for eating wings?
Josh Gordon: Something like that. Now if I can just get you to sign this paperwork, we’ll be all set and you’ll have yourself a fine new used automobile.
Wife: We should celebrate. Want to get a beer at Tailgaters, Mr. Gordon?
Josh Gordon: Oh, that sounds nice, I don’t know. You know how the man is tough about drug testing and crap like that. I’ve already lost one job this year, don’t want to lose two.
Husband: But it’s just one beer.
Josh Gordon: Okay. You twisted my arm, just one beer. I’ll meet you two lovely people over there and buy you some ice cream.
Wife: You don’t want a ride in our new used car?
Josh Gordon: Oh, nah. I got my own whip. See you over there!
Wife: Wow. I didn’t see that over there at all.
Husband: Wait, is that a Porsche? I don’t care what he said about losing his job. He’s buying us wings AND ice cream.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.