Last year: 7-9, third place in NFC North
Acquisitions: Golden Tate, Eric Ebron, James Ihedigbo, Jed Collins, Dan Orlovsky
Departures: Nate Burleson, Louis Delmas, Shaun Hill, Tony Scheffler
Vegas 2014 win total over/under: 8.5 wins
Jim Caldwell’s five facial expressions, ranging from saddest to happiest:
Fan forecast by Andy Issac:
I’ll be short and sweet here. My feelings as a Lions fan are best summarized with this GIF:
Yes, that describes the following situations:
1) How I felt when they shat the bed the second half of 2013
2) How I felt when they hired Jim Caldwell
3) How I felt when they drafted Eric Ebron
4) How I felt when Ndamukong Suh trolled management by not signing a contract
5) How I felt when Nick Fairley showed up to training camp fat as
“Hey Nick, what were you doing all summer?”
“Oh, I was in a fitness protection program.”
6) How I felt when the team let Chris Houston go, thus making a shitty
secondary even shittier.
But let’s not talk about the defense right now, let’s talk about the offense. Because make no mistake about it, this team has world’s of talent on the offensive end. Megatron finally has someone alongside him in Golden Tate with functional legs, a player who hopefully won’t break his arm after the team pizza party. And Reggie Bush and Joique Bell are a nice one-two combo, assuming Bush doesn’t suffer his inevitable pulled groin in Week 2. And Stafford can’t be as bad as he was last year – and if he is, well we’re fucked because this is his backup.
I’ve felt crappy as a Lions fan before. I was there on Christmas Eve when Paul Edinger’s field goal sailed through the upright, thus ending their chance at a playoff, thus ushering in the Matt Millen era. I was there as fans peppered the team with f-bombs as they left the field. I was there when toilet paper rained down on players. I was there when a 100 person brawl broke out in the upper deck at the Silverdome, with kids crying as old men threw wild drunken haymakers.
I was there for all that. I witnessed it firsthand.
But when that stupid motherfucker Dan Orlovsky frolicked in the back of the end zone like he was DMX llama, that was our nadir. That was the worst.
So if you want to know what the season will look like, pray that the following two things don’t happen:
1) A season ending injury from Matthew Stafford
2) A season ending injury from Calvin Johnson
Because either of those two things happen and this team is 2-14.
Anyway, I guess we can address the defense now because Martin Mayhew sure as hell didn’t in the offseason.
They’re in desperate need of a safety or corner who can step up and make plays. Like game-changing plays – interceptions, forced fumbles, stuff Dre Bly used to do. They were devoid of that last season and were constantly on the losing end of turnover battles.
They need constant pressure from the front four which might happen when Ziggy Ansah stops doing his Kalimba Edwards impression.
They need better play out out of Stephen Tulloch, who’s not as good as Lions fans think he is.
All that happens and yeah, this is a fringe playoff team. This is a team that might go 9-7, 10-6.
I’d like to think they could be a game or two better but…THEY HIRED JIM CALDWELL. OH GOD, NO.
Revised prediction 0-16
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.