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The NFL announced the updated fine schedule today for on-field violations with a few surprising variants going into the 2014 season. As always, the list is a base amount for first time offenders, second violations are doubled, and third timers get sent to Principle Lord Rog’s office in Manhattan for a stern talking to in the Ray Rice Memorial Lecturing Chair.

  • Wearing pleated khakis: $8
  • Hiring subcontractors to install a basketball hoop on the uprights and then dunking the football into it: $50,000
  • Player plays either below or above their rating level in Madden, necessitating a roster update: $1,000 per point adjustment
  • On field patty cake: $19,000
  • Javelining: $27,000
  • Making your helmet unto a bong: $22,000
  • Hitting on defenseless player: $34, or the market rate of two apple martinis
  • Seeingside block: $12,000
  • Mini pony tackle: $7,000
  • Cool Whip: Two statin prescriptions
  • Roughing the catcher: $7,000
  • Excessive profanity: Two days community service with Andrew Dice Clay in the Valley
  • Unsportsmanlike conduct: Two days community service as the Ferguson chief of police
  • Striking/Kicking/Kneeing: $6,000 or the current value of an MMA contract
  • Face Mask: No spa days for a month
  • Premature Hit: $8,000
  • Taunting: The love and adoration of fans everywhere, priceless
  • Unnecessarily entering fight area (active involvement): $1,000 for each time your coach has told you to stick up for your team
  • Unnecessarily entering fight area (no active involvement): $4,000 for each time your coach has told you to stick up for your team you wussy.
  • Football into stands: Must run to Dick’s at halftime to buy a ball.
  • Getting your own reality show even though you’re just a rookie: C’MON MAN $50,000
  • Pantomiming any kind of marijuana smoking during a TD celebration: $500,000 fine and a trip to Scared Straight camp
  • Players with less than five years experience looking Ed Hoculi directly in the eye: $2,500

While it is not known why the NFLPA would agree to such drastic disciplinary fines for certain track and field events, spokesman George Atallah was quoted as saying, “We had to make certain concessions to allow for banana pudding toppings as many rookies on a budget don’t have the cheese for real whipped cream.”