Hello everyone, my name is Darren Rovell. I am an expert on all things brands, as you almost certainly know unless you’ve been living under a rock the last 10 years and have missed my meteoric rise to fame and fortune. If that’s the case, I feel sorry for you. But I’m not surprised. You did seem like a stupid little shit who probably doesn’t even follow me on Twitter.

What I’d like to discuss today is the sad plight of today’s average American: a complete lack of a unique, identifiable brand. This occurred to me while vacationing in Mumbai, India, a few weeks ago. I was doing blow off a stripper’s ass in the back of a limo on my way to a cricket match when we drove through a particularly impoverished section of the city. I saw hundreds, perhaps thousands, of people living in utter poverty, in rundown shacks perched next to rivers filled with trash. I saw children, scrabbling around in the dirt, so thin you could count each rib. And I thought, how sad — those people will probably die after a short, miserable existence, and they will have done NOTHING to distinguish themselves from everyone else around them. Boring!

And then I thought about it a little more. As sad as that reality is, how different really is the situation for the average American? Every day, millions of people in this country drag themselves through hour after hour of mind-numbing labor in a stuffy cubicle under fluorescent lights, year after year after year. They work all day, then they go to the bar, get a drink, bitch about their jobs, go home, watch TV, and get up to repeat the process again. Basically, you’re just doing what everyone else does, and when you die, you’ll be dumped in a hole and forgotten. Unless you do something about it. That’s why you need to build a unique brand now. For smart, useful people like RGIII or Jerry Jones, that means going out there and accomplishing great things that will cause people to gravitate toward you and give you sponsorship deals. For you — an uninteresting and fundamentally replaceable cog in our society — the best way to do that is to fuck pigs.

Fucking a pig gets you instant notoriety. Sure, you could rob a bank or murder somebody, and you might get a few weeks of front-page coverage if your spree is outrageous enough, and then you’ll be thrown into prison and forgotten. Better, but not good enough. Fucking a pig gives you instant brand recognition that is highly unique and separates you from common criminals. To paraphrase an old saying, you can build a thousand bridges, but fuck one pig, and no one calls you a bridge-builder.

Walk up to a person and tell them you tried to rob a bank, and they’ll be initially impressed, but ultimately you’ll get lumped in with actually successful bank robbers like Jesse James, and your notoriety fades. Tell them that you once crept into a barn, found a disgusting, mud-caked pig covered in its own feces, and fucked it, and they will remember you forever. When you die and are buried, your tombstone will read, “Here lies Greg, pigfucker.”

Don’t think there’s no money in it, either. Pigfucking can be very lucrative if you play your cards right. Hire a photographer to “accidentally” stumble upon you in a compromising position with a sow, and then notify the media and the cops to have you dragged off in humiliating fashion. You’ll make the rounds on social media. People will point to your case as an example of the downfall of society. They will talk about what a disgusting human being you are. And you will be silent as your reputation is publicly flogged.

And then, you will suddenly emerge. You will go on reddit, without announcement, and post “I fucked a pig, AMA.” The AMA will explode. You’ll get phone calls from shock jocks and fringe media outlets. You’ll announce that you’ve written your memoirs, titled, “Pigfucker: How I Fucked a Pig, Hit Rock Bottom, Became Famous, and Made Peace with God — and How You Can Too!” Suddenly, Oprah selects you for her book club and invites you on her show. Your book hits No. 1 on the New York Times bestseller list. The world is now ready to forgive and embrace “Greg the Pigfucker.”

Oh sure, you could apply yourself, invent something new, work really hard, and become a successful individual and build your brand that way. But let’s face it, you’re not going to do that. And sure, plenty of people out there say you don’t have to be rich and successful to live a happy and content life, but that’s the kind of bullshit you hear from poor people. If you don’t have a brand, you’re boring. And there’s no sin greater than being boring.

Personally, I’d rather be a pigfucker.