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When last we left Marriott martinet, Peter King, he explained how overnight his opinion of Cam Newton changed because Cam Newton granted PK access for the first time in three years, which PK regards as Cam growing up without ever stopping to act how he acted childish toward Cam over the same span. Whatever, it’s PK, it’s the same dude who asks a quarterback at training camp about the baseball trading deadline.

But what about this week? Well we did things a little differently this week. READ ON.

Every week without fail Peter King’s column is too long, by at least several thousand words. In fact, it gets more bloated and full of empty nugget calories every week. He added yet another pointless section just last week.

Sometimes that’s okay. Fine, it’s never okay. But some weeks it’s easier to make fun of because it’s just that dumb and contradictory. But other weeks, PK kind of just drones on and it does no one any favors for us to make fun of him referring to all the defensive holding penalties this preseason as FLAGVILLE. So we won’t be doing the full fisking we usually do, but because we like you, here’s the quick-and-lofty distilled version:

Johnny Manziel did pretty good in his first preseason outing and says all the Right Things to the media while wearing a button-down Oxford shirt and dress jeans! Franchise QB fancy! PK pretends like no one thought Manziel had a chance to win the starting job going into the season, which is absurd, and says he now has a shot but nothing is clear as of yet. PK seems like he’s gotten a lot more friendly with Johnny Football than he was in the past, probably because JFF grants him interviews now.

Michael Sam is also doing the Right Things, most of which entails not courting any more media attention than necessary. Rest assured, the media would flip the narrative and complain that Michael Sam holds out on them AND MIGHT BE HIDING SOMETHING if he didn’t give the media anything.

The preseason has many penalties. There won’t be so many in the regular season, we are assured. The head of officiating was hanging out with the Cowboys, but he is a man of virtue and probably didn’t fuck within Jerry Jones’ harem, we are also assured.

Stats from the new Football Outsiders book are recited, because this isn’t bloated enough, it needs borrowed content from other sources.

There’s a three-minute video of PK answering questions from Twitter. Yes, this actually exists. PK’s hammy face was judged so visually compelling by someone at TheMMQB that the mere sight of him answering pedestrian football inquires from Twitter requires video. That’s just dynamic web presence is what that is.

MMQB colleague Andy Benoit is just soooooo quirky. Hurry up and make him the boyfriend in the next Zooey Deschanel thing. Look at him drinking all that milk like a spazz!

The following line is featured:

“Raise your coffee game, Marriott Towne Place Suites.”

DAMN STRAIGHT, YOU’RE ON NOTICE, CHAIN HOTELIERS. DON’T LET PK CATCH YOU SLIPPIN’.

Finally, buried near the end of this week’s list of non-football thoughts he thinks he thinks, Peter King finally makes his way back to his relationship with Cam Newton.

A note on the discourse in this country, and on social media, in the wake of my Cam Newton column last week. I accept the fact that some people won’t agree with what I write, or find ulterior motives about why I wrote about an olive branch Newton offered to me. But can we disagree and be critical without telling me to go bleep myself 19 different ways?

Here’s the thing: we can’t. When the best the offending party can do is offer a pearl-clutching plea for civility when confronted with overwhelming evidence of how they suck, it behooves the dick job website to ignore the plea and instead move forward with the administration of 19 different ways PK can fuck himself. To wit:

1. No – Fuck yourself with an olive branch.

2. No – Fuck yourself with a printout of last week’s MMQB.

3. No – Fuck yourself with Brett Favre’s cellphone.

4. No – Fuck yourself after a coffee enema.

5. No – Fuck yourself after you brush your teeth in the morning.

6. No – Fuck yourself in a Starwood W Hotel.

7. No – Fuck yourself in a Starwood Sheraton Hotel.

8. No – Fuck yourself in a Starwood St. Regis Hotel

9. No – Fuck yourself with a copy of The Chicago Manual of Style, 16th Edition.

10. No – Fuck yourself with a copy of Mark Twain’s The Awful German Language.

11. No – Fuck yourself listening to Jerry Remy call a Red Sox game.

12. No – Fuck yourself while not properly re-Tweeting questions and answers.

13. No – Fuck yourself after your brush your teeth in the evening.

14. No – Fuck yourself next time you consider yourself the final arbiter on a player’s worthiness in the NFL.

15. No – Fuck yourself in the RV.

16. No – Fuck yourself on the NBC set with Tony Dungy shamefully watching.

17. No – Fuck yourself next time you change your mind on Johnny Manziel.

18. No – Fuck yourself with a vanity URL.

19. No – No really, just fuck yourself.