We all have things that we don’t like that everyone else in the world seems to go nuts about. The important thing is not to go around telling everyone that that thing you hate that everyone loves secretly blows and no one can handle how right and honest you are, because then you’re a Slate writer.
But sometimes it’s nice to acknowledge that no matter how universally loved something is, there’s someone who isn’t into it. So this week, we’re drafting things everyone seems to love that we hate. Embrace your little island of hate.
1. Old James – Cake
If you’re gonna force-feed me a pastry on my birthday, why can’t it be pizza?
2. Trevor Rish – The beach
My personal thalassophobia aside, the beach is a miserable place, especially busy ones in an urban setting. The sand is disgusting. Nobody cleans it, and what people do at the beach at night is unclean. The bright sun gives me headaches and I’m so white that I get awful sunburns, which are my are my least favourite feeling. I once got a sunburn from being in a pool for an hour in Los Angeles and I had marks on me for 18 months. When i got sunburns as a kid my brother would make me a blanket fort in the basement and and tell me “You live down here now. Here are some magazines and lego.” If you want to see bikinis just hang out in the Sexy Friday comment section all weekend. If you tell people you don’t like the beach, you’re a killjoy. They act like you hate puppies and the Beatles.
3. Christmas Ape – Cars
To be clear, I don’t hate them, I don’t want to #BanCars, I just see them solely as utilitarian things. Unfortunately, for a lot of dudes, it’s a central tenet of Guy Code™ that you worship cars. I do not. I can recognize that some are better or prettier than others and that it’s important to know how they work and how to fix them. I just do not give a shit. I’m not one of those people who upon getting a huge windfall of money would run out to buy an expensive car, though I might buy a car because the one I’m pushing currently sits at 172,000 miles and is therefore not long for this world. Otherwise, I’ll surely run it into the ground.
They’re expensive as fuck to maintain. I live outside a city with terrible traffic; it’s very seldom a joy to drive. You have to deal with other dipshit drivers. Sitting in gridlock is a deadening experience and it happens not infrequently. If I had my way, I’d almost never get in my car.
/expects all NYC commenters to smugly chime in about how they don’t have to own one
4. RobotsFightingDinosaurs – Bacon
Bacon is good. It is very good with breakfast, or with a sandwich, or atop a burger, or even in ice cream or in chocolate. But thanks to Epic Meal Time and the whole internet-tough-guy-I-only-eat-meat-WHO-CARES-IF-I-HAVEN’T-SHAT-IN-A-WEEK crowd, bacon is an internet god, alongside Sriracha, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, and George Takei. Fucking why? Why choose bacon instead of prosciutto, or hell, even pancetta (both of which have a more nuanced, wonderful salty-savory-smoky flavor, and both of which are now available at a similar price as bacon if you know where to go) It’s a very inexpensive cut of meat that is frustrating to cook. Yeah, it’s easy, but the pieces all stretch and curl and shit unless you have everything heated just so. Plus, you have to deal with the fact that whenever you cook bacon you’re starting an internet flame war over whether to cook it in the oven or in a pan. Have you ever cooked bacon shirtless? Don’t. Bacon has also skyrocketed in price thanks to trendy restaurateurs and home cooks that think they’re changing the world by making fucking bacon strawberry rhubarb pie or some shit. Which, you know, fine. Whatever. It’s not as if we’re not all fat enough already.
5. StuScottsBooyahs – Happy Gilmore
Everyone seems to fucking love this movie. I hate all movies with Adam Sandler in it, and this one is no exception. To me, it’s paint-by-numbers comedy. And even if the script were good and the gags funny, Adam Sandler’s schtick would ruin it for me. YOU’RE NOT FUNNY, PLEASE GO AWAY AND STOP BEING SO GODDAMN SUCCESSFUL.
6. Big Sandy – “Seinfeld”
Sorry, not funny. Okay, a few episodes were funny. But, really, I got more laughs out of this season of Bob’s Burgers than I did during Seinfeld’s entire run. If being an asshole is the touchstone of being funny, I’ll take Archer any day, thanks.
7. Johnny Sugar – Craft beers
Mind you, I don’t hate all of them. But most of the time, I never understand the hype. Plus, on the rare occasion I find one I like, I buy a 6 pack for 10 bucks, then everyone in the house wants one, and I get like three beers out of it. Seems like a better deal to just get cheap beer, or if I’m feeling fancy, some nice whiskey.
8. Sarah Sprague – Karaoke
LA is filled with open 24/7 Japanese and Korean karaoke places where you and your friends can rent your own room, dive bars that randomly have karaoke nights and Valley joints filled with twenty-something assistants who were the lead in their high school’s production of ‘Grease’. Supposedly it’s fun to go hangout with your friends and get drunk and listen to people screech into feedback-riddled mic, but in my mind it’s about as much fun as a lobotomy with a rusty spoon while watching a gaggle of drunken two year olds scream over who gets the last piece of candy from a pinata AND WHY CAN’T WE LEAVE YET YOUR SONG ISN’T UP YET BUT I’VE ALREADY HEARD YOUR VERSION OF “MOTHER” AND IT’S PRETTY SHITTY DON’T WORRY IT’S SO LOUD IN HERE YOU CAN’T HEAR ME CALL THIS HELL PUNISHMENT FOR SOMETHING I DID WRONG IN A PAST LIFE, LIKE I WAS SALIERI AND THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO SUFFER FOR SCREWING MOZART.
9. Sarah Sprague – Omelettes
Hey, would you like some undercooked eggs that will seem even more watery because we didn’t cook the vegetables before putting them in with the eggs? Have an omelette.
10. Johnny Sugar – “Girls”/Lena Dunham
Again, I don’t totally hate her, just don’t get the hype. I’ve watched a few episodes of Girls and it was…okay. I’ve seen Lena Dunham on a few talk shows and she was….okay. I’m not part of the people who become apoplectic at the mention of her name, but I don’t see why so many damn people fucking worship her either. I suppose this pick might be herecy for some. I’m willing to deal with the consequences of that.
11. Big Sandy – Forrest Gump
Universally beloved, adored, lavished with Oscars. I fucking hate this movie, most of all because it sure as hell didn’t help the perception of people from the South, where I crawled out years ago. If there’s only one good thing to come out of it, it’s the annual “Running of the Gumps,” and even that winds up reflecting badly on EVERYONE from Alabama, not just ROLL TAHD fans.
12. StuScottBooyahs – “Downton Abbey”
If someone can explain to me the difference between this show and any of the other 10,000 soap operas that have come before it other than the accents, I’m all ears.
13. RobotsFightingDinosaurs – “Doctor Who”
You guys know me. I’m a dork. I like video games, and Firefly is one of my favorite shows. So this may come as a shock.
Fuck Doctor Who. It was shitty in the 60s. It’s still shitty now. I’m convinced that the only reason there are so many fans here in the States is that they always cast some nerdy-attractive British dude with a panty dropping accent as the doctor, because it’s certainly not because of the storytelling, the acting, or any sort of brave screenwriting.
Oh, and Doctor Who fans are the worst, by the way. I’ve seen a bunch of episodes, and I didn’t like it. You know how soccer fans have a reputation for being really pushy whenever someone tells them they don’t like soccer? Never tell a Doctor Who fan you don’t like the show. They’ll Clockwork Orange you and force you to watch the dumbass weeping angel episode until you admit you like it.
If I see another “keep calm and don’t blink” shirt, I’ll fucking snap.
14. Christmas Ape – Watermelon
Fuck you, the texture is gross. Artificially flavored watermelon things all day, though.
15. Trevor Risk – The Beatles
It’s not that I hate every Beatles songs, (“Taxman” is okay I guess) it’s that four of my top five least favourite songs are Beatles songs, and the only reason it’s not all five is because “Paradise By The Dashboard Light” narrowly beats out “Eleanor Rigby” which comes in at number six. Bill Burr’s take on John Lennon and Paul McCartney redefining “pussy whipped” makes me love Chuck Berry even more, and should kind of be all you need to understand that the “greatest band of all time” can fuck off. Oh, what about that whole “experimental” drug phase? That’s worse than the boy band stuff they did prior to that. It’s like if One Direction took a bunch of bath salts and decided one was a walrus and one was made of eggs or whatever. This is worth a read, if only for the first one where it’s pointed out that John Lennon was a wife beater. There’s uproar about Chris Brown being a piece of shit and how he shouldn’t be allowed at the Grammies, but that stupid awards show sucks off Lennon and James Taylor almost every year in some form, both of whom are registered domestic violence monsters. I actually don’t mind Wings, even though the inlay for Band On The Run would fit in perfectly on humanitariansoftinder.com which just plays into Paul McCartney’s horseshit gentle persona he’s created for himself. I have a friend who was really into this guy, and then he sent her a demo recording of him singing “Blackbird” and she immediately stopped talking to him, which was the correct response. The Beatles can be summarized pretty well by my friend Evan from the band Defektors, “I like the Kinks. The Beatles… they just don’t rock.”
16. Old James – Button Fly Jeans
I’m not going over this again. My stance remains unchanged, I just didn’t realize this was a battle I’d have to fight alone.
I want more like this!
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