If you play fantasy football you know that there are levels of busts. If you take a flyer on a rookie running back that doesn’t pan out, it’s not the end of the world. You might not get a lot of return, but you didn’t have much invested in him to begin with. What we’re focusing on here is the most consistently frustrating players. The ones who flashed occasional brilliance when you them on your bench, the guys you would activate as you said a silent prayer only to see their backup put up 20 points, and the ones who never lived up to expectations.
1. Eric Sollenberger selects – Chris Johnson
He would have 4 games in a row against the Jags Texans and Bills where he would average -2 points and then break out like a 30 point outing against the Steelers. This would happen twice a year and it would inevitably be on the week you finally benched him.
2. Spilly selects – Michael Vick
Dogfight stuff aside, no one has completely infuriated me in years I had him and burned me in years I didn’t. I ALWAYS LOSE IN GAMES I PLAY AGAINST VICK. Always. Unless he’s injured.
3. Trevor Risk selects – Mike Tolbert
He’s vulturing touchdowns from whoever gets all the yards, so you sign him but if he doesn’t vulture, then he’s racking up zero yards.
4. David Rappoccio selects – Shaun Alexander
Back when I still actually played fantasy this guy was the big deal and as soon as he set the touchdown record he turned into a pumpkin who couldn’t stay healthy and it was obvious all his success came from his O-line.
5. PFT Commenter selects – Ben Roetlisberger
I draft him every year to early but keep forgetting that theres no points awarded for extending plays or making somthing happen out there.
6. Sarah Sprague selects – Frank Gore
Not the worst, but I always feel like I should be getting more out of Frank Gore than I do, and yet I take him nearly every year.
7. RobotsFightingDinosaurs selects – At the risk of stating the obvious, Ray fucking Rice
He was supposed to be a stud last year. He was supposed to stop sharing carries. He was supposed to lead a strong Ravens rushing attack behind a staunch O-line. It got so bad that he was actually getting harassed by a bunch of folks on twitter about it, to the point where he actually addressed the matter publicly. Now, this isn’t to say I blame him, (well, at least, not for his on-field play. I certainly do blame him for certain other things) because yeah, sometimes people have down years. But the fact is, I took him #2 overall last year. And as soon as I started benching him, he started putting up numbers. My cousin, a Ravens fan, warned me against drafting him, but I knew better. I was SMART.
So every time I complained about my team losing, my cousin jumped all over me being all “I TOLD YOU”. It was the fucking worst.
8. Big Sandy selects – Matt Ryan
Fuck Matt Ryan. As a Saints fan, I should know better to depend on Falcons. But, in 2009, after a great rookie season, he was the best option left at QB and WINNING was IMPORTANT. So I took him and then watched him kinda shit the bed before ditching him for Marmalard. Last season, I got stuck with Ryan again, this time as a back-up, but it still pained me greatly to have him on my bench, shitting his pants.
9. Old James selects – Tiki Barber
There’s probably a handfull of quirky custom fantasy leagues out there that value rushing yards more than rushing TDs. If you happen to be in one, you — and Tiki Barber — can go fuck right off.
10. StuScottBooyahs selects – Ryan Grant
Took him with my first pick in 2010. It was not a good year.
11. Christmas Ape selects – Darren McFadden
Known to put up good numbers. For the five weeks a year that he manages to stay healthy. This year is different because once-awesome fantasy back MJD is joining the Raiders backfield but there were so many years where RUN DMC seemed like a very tempting pick to have a bounce back season. Then he’d have a few good games and you convinced yourself that you’re a genius. Then he inevitably got hurt.
12. Christmas Ape selects – Lee Evans
It seems odd in retrospect that such a forgettable player could have been a fantasy nightmare BUT HE WAS! The fantasy hatred of Lee Evans is well established at this website. He had one good fantasy season then managed to be a crazy fantasy tease for the next, like, five years. The closest current comparison I can think of is James Jones, who somehow scored 14 touchdowns with the Packers two years ago, but then I don’t think anyone expected him to replicate that feat last year.
13. StuScottBooyahs selects – Laurence Maroney
In 2007, I started out 9-0 thanks to my foresight in believing that the Patriots would be a juggernaut with the arrival of Randy Moss. I took Brady, Moss, and Maroney early. Brady and Moss slayed the league and so did I, and then the team started losing steam and so did I. I finished 10-3 and got bounced in the first round, finishing third. And I blame that finish in part on that fucking fantasy anchor of a running back in Maroney, who never did amount to anything fantasywise despite so much promise.
14. Old James selects – Ryan Mathews
The first RB you draft should never be a rookie, especially one from Fresno.
15. Big Sandy selects – Daunte Culpepper
Shoulda seen it coming with no Randy Moss but damn…. DAMN YOU, CULPEPPER! (Secretly thanks Culpepper for convincing the Dolphins to sign him and not Brees and thus gaining Brees for the Saints in 2006…)
16. RobotsFightingDinosaurs selects – Reggie Bush
I’m going to draft him again this year. He’ll have 6 scores in 4 games, and then promptly tweak his ankle. He’ll be out for 2 games, and when he comes back, he’ll be sharing carries with Joique Bell, and won’t see the endzone until 2016. Just like every year.
17. Sarah Sprague selects – THANKS FOR EVERYTHING AFTER 2010 PEYTON HILLIS
Should have known not to take someone who endorsed Ron Paul for president.
18. PFT Commenter selects – Carson Palmer
Funny how when he was throwing to the all distracton team of ochocinco and houshmandzada he would score 40 pts per game but then you give him a solid target like a jordan shipley he demand’s a trade after one season. Carson the oposite of a team player heck Id rather take his brother then a walking tommy john like carson.
19. David Rappoccio selects – David Wilson
I wasn’t playing fantasy last season and I still felt the repercussions of this one. Hyped up as the next big deal to start the season, tons of people drafted him, not realizing we had a crappy O-line. Then of course he had the neck injury. I wear my Giants jerseys when I watch football at the bar, and on at least 10 occasions I had random people I’ve never met before come up to me and start blaming me, personally, for David Wilson’s bad performances. Just because I was a Giants fan. Fantasy brings out the worst in some people.
20. Trevor Risk selects – Blair Walsh
That guy was supposed to hit eight hundred indoor, over-fifty yarders for a team that loved to stall at the opponent’s forty yard line.
21. Spilly selects – Any 2000’s Mike Shanahan RB, including, but not limited to: Olandis Gary, Mike Anderson, Quentin Griffin, Tatum Bell, and Travis Henry
If you had any of these people and relied upon them for anything higher than a 3rd RB/Flex, you deserved to have your luggage stolen.
22. Eric Sollenberger selects – DeAngelo Williams/Jonathan Stewart
Mostly DeAngelo Williams, but these guys are a two-headed MRI machine. One is always hurt and when they’re not hurt they average 3 ypc while the other one runs for 2 tds and 154 yds and it’s never the person that you started.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.