Congrats, we’ve made it. There will not be another weekend without some kind of football until February! While that’s a great thing for the most part, let’s not forget that there are some things that we’re definitely not looking forward to. Things like the first “…and twins” commercial of the year, or getting our eyes peeled back Clockwork Orange-style during a prime-time game as Lovie Smith gets to make up for lost time with his challenge flag.
For this week’s mock draft, we’re selecting those moments during an NFL season that are not worth looking forward to.
1. StuScottBooyahs selects – Sept. 21, Week 3, Redskins at Eagles
By this point, the Skins will probably be 2-0 after beating the two worst teams in football (Texans and Jaguars), and Redskins Nation will be putting up tin-foil Vince Lombardi trophies on their mantle. And then Nick Foles will throw for 8 touchdowns and Washington fans will shuffle off to their jobs the next day.
2. Big Sandy selects – The End
Ok, I know, why look forward to the season if I’m already getting mopey about it being over? Why can’t I enjoy the ride? Am I the guy who starts getting sad about the inevitable end of vacation before it even starts? Can’t I even find a way to enjoy the fact the entire season hasn’t even unfolded yet and that I won’t face THE END for another six months and it hasn’t even quite been six months since the last season ended? Do I wish I could take a drill to my brain and clip a hole in the part that makes me think like this?
3. Sarah Sprague selects – The first time we hear the Fox “injury” piano music.
It’s weird we transition to commercial as not to see the blood and guts and maybe someone’s career being over.
Also because it means there is a good chance I’m hearing Joe Buck at the same time.
4. RobotsFightingDinosaurs selects – THE FIRST TIME THAT LYING BASTARD PAPA JOHN STARTS TALKING TO PEYTON MANNING ABOUT THE MILLIONS OF PIZZAS HE’S GIVING AWAY
WHERE IS MY FREE PIZZA, PAPA JOHN? WHERE THE FUCK IS IT? YOU ARE A LIAR AND A FRAUD
5.Christmas Ape selects – The increased taunting penalties
The competition committee made a big deal about cracking down on taunting and the league acted for a while in the off-season like it was going to ban the N-word from the field. Cracking on some of that stuff is a positive but you know they won’t enforce it evenly. Or there will be a few ridiculously iffy flags thrown just to send the message that they’re trying.
6. David Rappoccio selects – The Patriots walking into the playoffs yet again on another division win
In the past 13 years, starting with the first Super Bowl season in 2001, the Patriots have won the division 11 times. The Jets held them off in 2002, and the Dolphins stole it in 2008 when Brady went down. When are we going to get any real competition for the AFC East? The Patriots have won it so many times that it’s ceased to be interesting or fun and the battle is perpetually for second place. Just once I’d like to see one of the other teams in there put up a genuine fight and force the Patriots into at least a wildcard slot and make things more interesting. But the Bills have a terrible QB and they jettisoned a good WR and lost Kiko Alonso. The Jets are still starting Geno Smith. The Dolphins are a messed up organization. It’s pretty inevitable that the Pats are going to just waltz in yet again.
7. Old James selects – That first time I hear Jim Nantz and Phil Simms welcome me to a game
You ever see a little kid trying to learn how to walk? That’s the kinda struggle I imagine Simms has trying to articulate the goings-on in a football game. And Nantz is just there to fill up his sippy cup and doze off every ten minutes, making him the grandfather of this metaphor — which fits, since he’s an old timer who’s just too gosh darn classy to admit that he hates all women/minorities/himself.
8. Trevor Risk selects – The inevitable manufactured storyline of “HURR DURR WHAT’S RICHARD SHERMAN GONNA SAY NEXT?”
The cable sports media literally begs for honesty and candour out of pro athletes, and Sherman finally gave it to them after the NFC championship game and then immediately became a talking point for “class” and “dignity” and “thuggish ruggish behaviour”. Now it’s all anyone talks about. Worst part is, the whole thing is going to end up like that second episode of Black Mirror where the protagonist goes on Rupert Everett’s dystopian Pop Idol show and spills Colbert-levels of truthiness, only to get co-opted into being part of the streaming machine after being wooed by a promise of notoriety and fresh orange juice. Richard Sherman showed a moment of passion that we all rewound several times, and now either because he’s expected to, or to sell merchandise, he’s going to shamelessly and transparently beak off, to inevitably become Ochocinco 2. Too bad, because his line from his days in Stanford, “Stop bitching and fuckin adapt,” has become a mantra for some of us.
9. PFT Commenter selects – The first Bob Castas editoralising at halftime during MNF
Its going to be on some lame topic like school voucers or why he wife keeps cheating on him and I half to sit there staring at him during the entire thing because Im pretty sure he’ll cry if i change the channel. If your going to be a NFL commentator in my opinoin you should at least be larger then the ball.
10. Eric Sollenberger selects – Giants/Cowboys
The game is always good for some classic Romo/Eli interceptions and all around Schadenfreude which I believe is the German word for the face Coughlin makes when he stares into the abyss like he caught one of his O-Linemen in the sack with his daughter, but it’s really tough to watch a game where you hate both teams. Somehow the WRs on both of these teams always look like they’re god damn all-stars when they play each other and then will proceed to return to their previous levels immediately after the game.
11. Johnny Sugar selects – The first 90-yard touchdown to be called back for holding
“YEAH GO RUN RUN RUN *sees FLAG graphic pop up on screen* OH FUCK NEVER MIND GODDAMMIT!
12. Johnny Sugar selects – The first prime time game between two teams we both thought were going to be good, but now one of them is 1-3, and the other is 0-4
The network that carries the game will desperately try to keep it interesting int he ads (“Two teams desperately trying to keep their seasons alive!” And you’ll talk yourself into, thinking at least one of these teams is actually good and still makes the playoffs, but then the game is just as shitty as you thought it would be.
13. Eric Sollenberger selects – The first time that a WR immediately looks for a flag from 3 different refs for pass interference and he doesn’t get one. But then a flag flies in from off screen from the back judge who is 30 yards away and all the other refs have to act like it’s a legitimate penalty.
14. PFT Commenter selects – The first concusson that some one on my fantasy team suffers
You know what give’s ME a headache?losing by 4 points when Wes Welkers choosing to sit out instead’ve taking a couple alleve and getting me 116 yds, 11 catches and 0 TDs. Almost makes me want to take a week off account of Im SMH so hard.
15. Trevor Risk selects – Cris Collinsworth opening his mouth
He can’t go one quarter without mentioning his own career. I watch football with some Bengals fans because every Canadian has an arbitrary reason for liking the team they do (mostly it’s “Hey, i was 7. I saw tiger stripes. Whatever.”) and even they don’t care about his life as a wide receiver who was obsessed with young girls. On top of that, he’s painfully unfunny, and favours white wideouts.
/Darius Heyward-Bey drops football thrown at his feet: “He’s just got to concentrate. Probably isn’t fit for this league. Just retire already.”
/Wes Welker drops perfectly thrown football: “Peyton Manning needs to concentrate and throw a better pass. Probably needs to retire.”
When the Olympics were in my city, a few of us had a standing order to spit on him if we saw him around anywhere.
16. Old James selects – Watching guys get cut on “Hard Knocks.”
It’s brutal. Most of me feels bad for these guys whose life dreams were just punted away (see what I did there?) on camera, but a small part is always upset when they don’t pull an “I’m gonna come back here on a new team and kick your ass some day” speech out. Or actually kick the coach/GM’s ass right there on the spot.
17. David Rappoccio selects – Thursday Night Football
Ed: Oh my God this song is terrible
You remember it’s on halfway through the first quarter if you are lucky, then turn it on and watch two teams who haven’t had enough practice time or recovery time stumble all over your television, with terrible no name announcers getting facts wrong and this is only if you have NFL Network.
18. Christmas Ape selects – Pro Bowl roster release
The game itself is whatever, but those few days were mouthbreathers get into an uproar over who did and didn’t make the team, which is always stoked by the media all too happy to get content by offering up a list of snubs. WHO GIVES A SHIT?! EVERYONE BOWS OUT AND HALF THE STARTERS IN THE LEAGUE END UP MAKING IT ANYWAY!
19. RobotsFightingDinosaurs – The realization, upon kickoff of the first regular season game, that the emptiness I’ve felt all off-season has nothing to do with the lack of football in my life and may in fact be a symptom of the fact that I still live my life like I am a sophomore in college
But you know what could help fill that emptiness? A FREE PIZZA, PAPA JOHN, YOU LYING FUCK.
20. Sarah Sprague selects – Week 3 when I realize every single one of my fantasy teams are disasters
21. Big Sandy selects – November 23, Falcons vs Browns
I *was* going to say October 26 when we have the sadness bowl of Raiders vs Browns, but at least that has the compelling “Which team sucks the most” angle. But, no, on November 23, with the only compelling game on the early slate probably being Bucs and Lovie versus the Bears (which will be more about the hype, anyway), and given the fact my better half is a Browns die-hard and I’m a Saints fan, the Browns game will be on in our household meaning I’ll be forced to find a way to care about Hoyer and root for him to beat the hated Falcons. Being forced to care about the Browns just because you hate their opponents with the fire of 10,000 suns is no way to live. The only possible savior: Manziel is at the helm by then for the Browns and shit just gets wild. Otherwise, fill me full of tranqs.
22. StuScottBooyahs selects- Listening to all the broadcasters publicly blow Seahawks fans on national television every fucking week
“Wow, Seahawks fans are so special! They cheer for their team at games, oftentimes loudly! Take note, fans of other teams!”
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.