"Oy, yer face is blockin me elba now innit"

"Oy, yer face is blockin me elba now innit"


My wife is out of town for the weekend. As I’ve mentioned in this space before, this is an opportunity for me to leave dishes in the sink, drink too much beer, and watch action movies on Netflix. But I don’t want just any action movies when my wife’s out of town; I watch almost strictly Jason Statham movies. And this is a huge opportunity, because right now both Safe and Homefront are on Netflix, and I have yet to see either. Just look at this Safe reviewit totally makes up for the last couple years of Grierson & Leitch. And Homefront features James Franco as Gator McBadguy. I’m gonna have the best weekend ever.

Anyway, let’s get to your questions, none of which are about Jason Statham :(

 

Dearest Captain,
Football – Two questions:
1. Who would you rather keep for the next three years: Antonio Brown or Jordy Nelson? It’s not a PPR league and they would cost the same to keep. Been leaning Brown but keep wavering.

Brown. He’s younger, faster, and has a higher ceiling. He has as many 1000-yard seasons as Nelson despite playing two fewer seasons, and he’s not competing with Randall Cobb for looks.

2. If you had the first pick in a rookie draft, and you could keep the player for the next 3-4 years, who would you take? It’s a 2-QB league, if that makes a difference.

Sigh. It does.

I’ve been going between Watkins, Manziel, Sankey, Hyde, and Evans (rank them in that order in my mind) on almost a daily basis and just can’t figure it out.

I said it in my quarterback preview video, but I think Teddy Bridgewater will be a better pro QB than Johnny Football. Going off the cuff, this is how I’d rank this year’s rookies in terms of expected production through 2017:

  1. Sammy Watkins
  2. Carlos Hyde
  3. Brandin Cooks
  4. Bishop Sankey
  5. Mike Evans
  6. Bridgewater
  7. Manziel
  8. Jeremy Hill
  9. Kelvin Benjamin
  10. Jordan Matthews/Eric Ebron

Watkins is the most heralded WR prospect since AJ Green and Julio Jones; he’ll be an instant fantasy stalwart. Hyde will take over the Niners’ workhorse position as soon as Frank Gore gets injured (SOON), and he’ll hold that position down for the next several years. Brandin Cooks is projected as a PPR stud who will take short passes and make defenders miss in space; Sankey is a pro-ready talent with an excellent line. Everyone else on the list will need some time to round out his skill set or climb the depth chart.

Sex – I got engaged back in May (yayyyy) and have started having the preliminary discussions in regards to the bachelor party. My fiancée is insisting that I invite her younger brother, but I have no desire to do that. He’s a junior in college and we’ve drank with him before, so I already know that it would end up with him getting way too hammered way too early and someone having to babysit him the rest of the night. She keeps claiming that he’ll probably decline the invite since he’s a broke student and that she just wants me to at least invite him cause “it’s the right thing to do,” but I don’t feel like taking the chance that he’ll accept. Should I just give in and do it or is this something worth standing firm on?
Thanks in advance for the help.
National Boh Killer

Your future wife has a say in who you invite to your wedding. She has 100% control over who she invites to her bachelorette party. But your bachelor party is YOUR bachelor party. Inviting her younger brother is surely a nice thing to do, but if you don’t want him there, it’s not the right thing to do. The right thing to do is for her to butt the hell out of the party that’s supposed to be a celebration of you and your closest male friends. 

That said, I’d recommend taking a longer view on this. You will likely have her younger bro foisted upon you as a groomsman at your wedding; if he’s the one groomsman not present at your bachelor party, you may be laying the groundwork for a lifetime of your brother-in-law resenting you. Sure, he’s a 20-year-old dipshit who can’t handle his liquor now, but what about in five years? What if he becomes a big-shot lawyer with a nice-ass vacation home? What if, a decade from now, you need a consigliere to get your wife’s parents to butt out of your family’s business? Wouldn’t it be better to have always included him and shown him kindness? Or at least have some incriminating drunken pictures?

You’re well within your right not to invite your future brother-in-law to your party, but I think you’re overstating the potential inconvenience to you — and ignoring the possible benefits.

**********

Hi again, Captain (Never Mr.) Caveman
I wrote to you last summer, and you were gracious enough to print my letter and respond to my ramblings. I thought I’d follow up, since they love those advice column follow up articles on Dear Prudence or whatever.

Sex: This is the interesting part. I mentioned my wife and I weren’t really getting around to much sex. Turned out she likes chicks, and about two months after my letter, she came out of the closet and we got divorced. So that sucked.

Take heart. That’s one of the few instances where “It’s not you, it’s me” is the truth.

I have tried to follow your standard advice. Lost 40 pounds and am trying to focus on work, although its boring and stupid. No real questions here, working the various dating sites and letting friends know I’m ready to get back out there… haven’t dated since 1999, things are different and weird.

And better and easier, too! I know that it can be scary to get into the texting game when you’re used to phone calls, but technology has never done more to get people laid than it does today.

Football: I find myself picking 10th in a 10-team league for the third consecutive year. Last year I bugged out about getting squeezed out of running back late in the draft, and wondered if I was forced to take one I didn’t like in an early round. You convinced me to go with the flow and not get pinned down on getting a certain position in a certain spot. I took Dez Bryant and Brandon Marshall with picks 10 and 11 (PPR league) and rode them to the playoffs. I lost in the finals when my waiver wire running backs (Jordan Toddman & Shane Vereen) finally turned back into pumpkins. But I’m happy with that.

This year my question is about quarterbacks. Other than Rodgers and Brees it all seems like a crap shoot. Peyton is old and is gonna fall off at some point, Cam’s got no receivers, Brady didn’t look great last year, Foles is going to come back to earth, I dont’ trust Matt Stafford, we don’t know what RGII really is…

I concur with you on all fronts.

What’s your take on getting two QBs late (Ryan and Romo? Cutler and Rivers?) and playing matchups? Is it possible to predict which guy will have the better game? Or am I going to pick the wrong guy every week and hate myself?
Thanks,
My Elaborate Plans Sometimes Work Out

I like the value of all four of the guys you mentioned parenthetically. Ryan was a top-five fantasy QB in 2012 before the Falcons imploded; Romo is consistently underrated; and Rivers posted 4500/32/11 last year and can’t even crack the top 100 in ADP. Of the four, only Cutler has never really delivered as a fantasy QB, but I think his weapons and Marc Trestman’s offense warrant your trust this year.

Here’s my full spiel on QBs, ICYMI:

**********

Dear Mr. Ufford,
I’ll start with fantasy, pick 3 keepers (no draft penalties, just a stupid dynasty league that’s been going on for almost a decade like this) out of these 4 players. Andre Johnson, Josh Gordon, Frank Gore, DeMarco Murray. AJ Green is also on my roster, and he’s a no brainer to keep. This is a 10 team league, no PPR. and I have never won the championship. I always seem to finish 3rd since I can never seem to land a dynasty QB.

Not Frank Gore.

Sex question: I’ve been dating a girl for about 4 months, during which she has found out she have some serious health issues. These issues are to the point where she might have to go to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota for 6 months (we live in VA). I really do have serious feelings for her and she does for me. Problem is she admittedly doesn’t always have the energy to be in a relationship. I understand this, and I know I’m not the type that needs a 50/50 type of relationship. But the last few weeks it’s been more like a 99/1 thing where I’m the only one putting in effort. This is really wearing on me and it’s like a fucking Nicholas Sparks novel. Not really what I want. We’ve agreed to maintain a relationship, but I’m wondering what is really in this for me? Do I ignore my needs and just be there for her when she wants it? Or do I say fuck it and walk away feeling like an asshole abandoning a sickly person?

On top of all this I’m a Bengals fan and they haven’t won a playoff game since I was 10 years old.

Signed,
I don’t know what the fuck to do, so I’m asking a stranger who has made a living in the past making dick jokes.

You wanna know what’s worse than breaking up with a sick person? Staying with a sick person just because she’s sick.

In the early stages of a relationship — you know, before you’ve signed a binding contract — it’s natural and sensible to conduct informal cost-benefit analyses of the rewards from your time and emotional output. Most of us already do this without thinking about it (“Her voice is annoying but the sex is great!” “He’s not all that handsome but he’s really rich!”), but in your case I think you can be a little more formal in your line of thought: “How much effort over how much time am I going to put in before the relationship returns to a state where it can be emotionally fulfilling again? Do I like her enough to suffer a difficult period that will be longer than our relationship to this point?” And so on.

You’re not her husband, and you’re not her parents. You’re a guy she’s dated for four months. And maybe you’re gonna stand by her side and get her through this and marry her. But I don’t think the average bystander would fault you for thinking this is too heavy for someone you just started dating. 

I guess what I’m saying is fuck Nicholas Sparks.

**********

Hey Cap’n,
Fantasy: I can keep two. Jamaal Charles in round 2, Le’Veon Bell in the 8th, Rashad Jennings in the 9th, Pierre Garcon in the 3rd, and KC Defense in the 14th. Bell and Charles no brainer right?

Yes, probably. (I do like Rashad Jennings in the 9th, but you should go with the sure things and not some internet dude’s hunch.)

Our league keeper rules are keep up to two players. Keepers go up one round per year kept. Waiver players are automatically 9th round picks. Keepers can only be kept for a maximum of two years.

This could potentially mean someone could trade a player at the end of their keeper life to another team who could keep them for another two seasons. Theoretically, a player could only ever be drafted once and just float around the league for their career. Is there anything wrong with that?

No, although I don’t think your interpretation’s wholly correct, as a first-round pick can’t be kept at all, a second-round pick can only be kept one year, etc. The n-1 function prevents owners from trading/keeping players in perpetuity.

Sex/Relationships: I’ve recently started hooking up with an ex (bad idea, I know). We dated for 9 months and broke up because I wasn’t interested in having children (she was at the time 32 and the clock is ticking). That was it though, everything else was basically golden in the relationship. Great sex, eager to do stuff, not quite as social as I’d like but it could have gotten better over time.

Oh yeah, couples always become more social as they spend more time in the relationship. That’s why this mailbag is constantly filled with people saying “Help, we’ve been dating so long and things are staying too fresh. I just want a nice rut to settle into.”

Recently, we’ve gotten back in contact and she’s having no luck finding the future father of her children. Apparently, most guys on eHarmony are psychos. She’s been sexually harassed and assaulted multiple times. Being a woman must be nightmarish at times.

If by “at times” you mean “most of the time,” yes.

Anyway, I really love her, she really loves me. She is much more fun to be around now than she was when she and I dates. She’s even more social which was always my one problem with her when we were dating.

Unfortunately, she’s going to be 34 soon and she still wants to be a mother by 36 (I’m 30 btw) at the latest. I still have no real interest in children but could see myself spending my life with her even though I really also don’t like marriage as an institution. I also told myself I would wait till late in life to marry (my Dad’s on his fifth marriage and seems to have finally gotten it right in his 60′s). Also, I really want to move to LA in a year and try restarting my life/career someplace new.

I guess my question is, at what point should I settle for this really great person that wants to spend the rest of her life with me? Am I supposed to be super gung-ho about marriage and children at 30? I see a lot of my peers starting to settle down and maybe I’m rebelling against that but I really always thought I wouldn’t marry or be a father. How the hell do I figure out what I’m supposed to be doing with my life?

Sorry if this is discombobulated. I’m having trouble thinking straight about all of this.

On a completely different note, any advice on starting a podcast/youtube channel? I feel like I need to start putting some of myself out into the ether. Maybe that will help the anomie I’ve got going on with my career and state of mind.
Have a great day
Needy in New Jersey

facepalm

The CW 

Let me see if I have this right. “I love this girl and she wants to have kids in the next two years, but I don’t have any interest in children or the institution of marriage and also I’m moving to LA next year to re-start my life. Should I settle down even though I clearly don’t want to? Maybe I should start a podcast.”

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, MAN.

In basic officer training in the Marine Corps, our instructors introduced us to the idea of the “70% solution.” Among the chaos of the battlefield and other real-world operations, there’s no perfect solution, no perfect plan. Mission success hinges on coming up with an effective (if imperfect) plan quickly and executing it faster than the enemy can react. Throughout the rest of the course, angry young captains would loom over us and yell, “INDECISION KILLS, LIEUTENANT!” if we hesitated in the field. All in all, it was a pretty terrible way to spend six months.

My point is, make some fucking decisions in your life. You sent me a couple hundreds words of a shrug, as if a woman wanting children while her body can still produce a low-risk pregnancy is something that maybe you’ll come around on, if you don’t move to Los Angeles and maybe start a podcast as a way to find yourself. 

I don’t think I need to reiterate for the thousandth time that I’m not a professional therapist, but any armchair psychologist who reads your email is going to think you’ve got some serious issues because of your father’s failed marriages (NOTE: a professional therapist is almost certainly the best route to coming to grips with this). Are you afraid your marriage will fail like his? Do you think waiting until your 60s will help you find the maturity to commit to someone? If that’s what you want to do, fine. But commit to it. Don’t string along this poor woman just because you don’t have the balls to say I don’t want kids. Show her some goddamn respect.

Finding a partner isn’t about “settling” because someone you think is great wants kids and you’re not sure what to do. It’s about meeting someone and being like, “Hell yes, I don’t ever want to lose this person.” It’s about sharing a vision for how you want to live your lives together — where and how you want to live, what you want to do and see, whether or not to have kids, everything that humans can accomplish until they expire and turn to dust. If you don’t share that vision, then you’re probably not right for each other.

p.s. Excellent use of the word “anomie.”