Last year: 9-7, third place in AFC West, lost in divisional round
Acquisitions: Jason Verrett, Donald Brown, Brandon Flowers, Kellen Clemens
Departures: Ronnie Brown, Charlie Whitehurst, Derek Cox, Le’Ron McClain
Vegas 2014 win total over/under: 8 wins
Five names for Philip Rivers’ next slate of offspring:
— Colton Burpo Rivers
— Bolo Rivers
— Hobby Lobby Rivers
— How Is This News Rivers
— Ruttiger Rivers
Fan forecast by Justin Halpern:
Upon first glance, you may think the Chargers live and die with Philip Rivers. But true Chargers fans know this season rests on the shoulders of a different man. A man many of you might not know. Folks, let me introduce you to outside linebacker, Melvin Ingram!
Wait, so will he be Melvin Ingram Ingram? I like it! But before you go doing that, can I ask a favor real quick? Can you GET SOME FUCKING PRESSURE ON THE QUARTERBACK? Because no one else is going to do it and it’s the key to our entire defense. So it is IMPERATIVE that you’re in tip-top condition.
Shoot, I don’t personally know one, but why don’t you ask for a recommendation from THE CHARGERS TRAINING STAFF? We really need to make sure you take this off-season seriously.
Exactly. Good to hear. I like that attitude.
No. No, no. No days off, remember? I really think it’s important that you—
Alright, fine, who can resist D&Bs? But here’s the thing, we didn’t upgrade our corners at all, unless you consider all four feet eleven inches of Brandon Flowers an upgrade. Unless Demaryius Thomas’s dick starts catching passes, I’m pretty sure Brandon’s going to have some trouble covering the big AFC West receivers for more than 1.3 seconds. So, look, Melvin, we have shitty Defensive ends and mediocre linebackers. You’re on your own. You’re going to have to problem solve. But you’re great at that, right?
Sigh. Ok, so maybe you’re not going to be the field general on defense. But we can at least count on you to handle your own shit, yes?
It’s amazing that there are a million different ways to use twitter effectively, and Melvin happened to find the one way it DOESN’T work. But, I’m sure he learned his lesson and learning lessons is an important part of being an NFL
Oh for fuck’s sake.
I want more like this!
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